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2010-06-07T16:56:00.001+01:00

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My Life’s Soundtrack – More

2009-08-24T05:36:00.000+01:00

It is rather unusual for me to label a song as MLS when I’m not really impressed with it and this song almost suffered a sad fate when I first heard it. It took some time (and continuous replay) to grow on me but I’m glad it did. The upbeat tempo midway into the song plus the video helped as well!
More was the second single off Darey’s unDAREYted album and the South African-shot video features a club-dance floor sequence/mystery lady/time-travel concept interpreted with the transition of dance steps, hair-do, costumes, vehicle and photographic equipment all the way from retro to present. This - in my opinion - is a splendid example of how music videos’ storyboards should be done. Enjoy!

Track: More (Track 5 from the album unDAREYted)

Artiste: Darey Art Alade

Transcribed by: Naughty Eyes

[Verse 1]

Jump in the car and drive out of my home

I ain’t gonna spend my Friday night alone

I step into the club and near the microphone

There’s a pretty young lady dancing on her own

So I say lady the way you move it, I know you know you got it

Lady the way you move it, you make me wanna have it

Lady the way you move your sexy body

There’s just one thing I wanna know

[Chorus]

Can you shake your body more, more girl

I need some more, more girl

Can you touch my body more, more girl

I still want more, more girl

[Verse 2]

4:25 and still we’re on the floor

All of your girlfriends left the club at four

I am pretty sure that by now your feet are sore

But I really can’t help it girl, I still want more

So I say lady the way you shake it, you make me wanna take it

Lady the way you shake it, it’s like you’re gonna break it

Lady the way you shake your sexy body

There’s just one thing I need to know

[Repeat Chorus]

[Bridge]

Uh baby, tell me if you’re ready to go down girl with me

‘Cos I’m ready to go with you

Baby shake your body more and more and more

Tell me if you’re ready to go down girl with me

‘Cos I’m ready to go with you

Baby shake your body more and more and more

[Repeat Chorus]

[Adlibs]

Yeah, yeah, yeah (more girl)

Can you touch my body (yeah, yeah)

Can you touch my body more girl

[Repeat Chorus]

Instrumentals till Fade...

My Life’s Soundtrack - No Stars

2009-08-18T05:00:00.000+01:00

The second track I’m posting off Darey’s unDAREYted album is actually a themed and cinematic sequel to the previous one, Not The Girl I posted earlier. As can be expected, the video styles are similar and the locations just like before but this time the lyrics in my opinion are deeper.
Great work from Darey. But I’ll let you be the judge…

Track: No Stars (Track 4 from the album unDAREYted)
Artiste: Darey Art Alade
Transcribed by: Naughty Eyes

[Verse 1]
No stars in the sky
Makes me wonder why
I’m still gazing...
I’ve done all I know to do
And there’s still no sign of you
Are you coming soon?
Now I’m staring out the window
But the waiting’s just begun
And all I see is shadows
Even though I see the sun

[Chorus]
You took away my sunshine
And I want it back
You took my star from the sky
And I want it back
You took away my sunshine
And I want it back
You can only give it to me
When you come back home… home… home

[Verse 2]
There’s a picture on my chair
Like you’re sitting there
Can I sit with you?
I can hear you when you call
Like you never left at all
Should I answer you?
I’m still staring out the window
Wishing you’d be passing by
But all I see is shadows
As the memories pass me by

[Chorus x 2]

You could only give it to me…

No stars in the sky
Makes me wonder why
I’m still gazing...

Lyrics © 2009 Darey Art Alade & Soul Muzik

My Life’s Soundtrack - Not The Girl

2009-08-14T03:51:00.007+01:00

Move over M.I.! Yeah, the Pyeri boy sure ruled MLS two months back but this time my soundtracks for the month will be taken from the latest album of yet another talented male R & B / Hip-hop / Fuji vocalist who goes by the name Dare Art Alade. One thing I love about him? There is only ONE DAREY, no imitation! Let’s ride as I kick-off this month with his Cobhams Asuquo-assisted Hip-Hop World Awards-nominated single…

Track: Not The Girl (Track 3 from the album unDAREYted)

Artiste: Dare "Da-rey" Art Alade

Transcribed by: Naughty Eyes

[Chorus]

You’re not the girl I used to know

You’re a shadow of yourself

I think I lost you long ago

Like a book that’s left the shelf

I hear the footsteps down the hall

And I know someday that will be you leaving me for good

[Verse 1]

I’ve been sitting here for two straight hours watching you asleep

Wishing I could talk to you

There is no denying we both have emotions running deep

Oh if I could talk to you

‘Cos I’m scared, ‘cos when I try to take your hand you are not there

Even though I see the signs you think I’m just scared

Give me one reason why I should hide my fears

When it’s killing me inside…

[Repeat Chorus]

[Verse 2]

We have been together for so long you seem a part of me

Just how did this all go wrong?

And you say you gave to me your best just to make it work

But just how did this all go wrong?

‘Cos I try, see my eyes are empty from all the tears I cried

Since this perfect love is hardly satisfied

Give me one reason why I should hide my tears

When it’s killing me inside…

[Repeat Chorus]

[Bridge]

Hmm… And if I ever come across a girl like you again

I don’t know if I will let my emotions show

I’ll just look the other way

I don’t care what you might say

‘Cos I’m not so sure how much of this

My poor heart can take

[Repeat Chorus x 3]

Fade…

FEATURES OF A TYPICAL NAIJA ALBUM

2009-08-08T16:32:00.001+01:00

I am a lover of Nigerian music. Unlike some people (who prefer buying pirated compilation CDs), I buy original albums. If I like an artist, I go out and buy his/her album. One advantage of this I have discovered over the years is that there are some really good songs you won't hear on radio on a normal day.

For the last three years (when Naija music started gaining acceptance), I have been buying Naija CDs so much so that when you come across my collection, you would think I sell CDs. The following are the albums in my collection, if you can beat my record, let me know! You may have some albums I don’t but I have all the albums that matter!
Body and Soul – Plantashun Boiz (Who does not have this then?)
Plan B – Plantashun Boiz
Face2Face – 2Face Idibia
Grace2Grace – 2Face Idibia
Enter the place - 2Face Idibia
The unstoppable - 2Face Idibia
Independent – Faze
Originality - Face
Me, music and I – Blackface Naija
We be Da Natives – Da Natives
No long thing – D’banj
Run down/Funk you up - D’banj
The Entertainer - D’banj
Curriculum Vitae - D’banj and Mo’hits All Stars
Mushin2Mo’hits – Wande Cole
The Certificate – 9ice
Gongo Aso – 9ice
From me to you – Dare Art-Alade
The most un.darey.ted – Darey
Naija 007 – Sound Sultan
SS4 – Sound Sultan
Yahoozee! - Olu Maintain
E Plaribus Unum (One amongst many) – Mode 9
Pentium IX: The mixtape - Mode 9
The Paradigm Shift - Mode 9
Thy album come – Ruggedman
Ruggedy baba – Ruggedman
The King is back – eLDee
BIG BOY – eLDee
The rapman begins – Terry Tha Rapman
Money Long: The mixtape: Sauce Kid
Shock Therapy: The Minority Report – Rooftop MCs
Kalangolo – Frank D’Nero
Mr Capable – Banky W
Still on the matter – Da Grin
True story – Timaya
Second turning by the right - Lord of Ajasa
Game over - P Square
Free me – Terry G
Pin code: 9.10.11 – Sunny Neji
The Definition: DJ Jimmy Jatt
King of the Zanga – Durella
King Kong – Shank
You know my P – Naeto C
Dat Ibo Boy – Ill Bliss
Talk about it – M.I.
Life and times of Killz – Ikechukwu
Asha – Asa
Saxophone mood – Yemi Sax
Buga: Never say die – Jesse King
Africano: The mother of groove – Lagbaja
Paradise and Sharp Sharp – Lagbaja

Over the years, i discovered some similarities in my CDs; some major features which all almost always have in common. They include:

1. NUMBER OF TRACKS: The number of tracks on a regular Naija music album is between 9 and 11. Though nowadays, we see some hip-hop artistes having 18-22 songs on their albums. We have been made to know that what's responsible for the small number of tracks on Naija albums is not lack of creativity but a business strategy, since they'll make the same meagre sum from a 11-tracker that they will from a 22-tracker.

2. UNNECESSARY SKITS: From the 11 tracks in these albums, we find 2-3 drab and absolutely unnecessary skits in most Naija albums. I dare say that there are some really good, creative and interesting skits in some as well.

3. INSTRUMENTALS: It is only on a Naija album that you will find instrumentals i.e. the beat of a song. They like to include the instrumentals of their most popular songs in their albums. I don't know what they think, that maybe we like the songs insomuch that we listen to only the instrumentals? I mean, not all of us are DJs, are we? Methinks it is just to increase the number of tracks on their albums.

4. TRADITIONAL MUSIC: You will always find a traditional music on a Naija album. When I say traditional music, I mean songs done in the indigenous language of the artiste. Apart from normal English and Yoruba language (Yes, Yoruba because it's the official music language in Naija) Naija artistes sing in, they also have at least a track done in their purely indigenous language. Patriotism, you say?

5. THANK YOUs AND OVA ISH (apologies to M.I.): You are likely to find a song dedicated to God or to people who contributed to the artiste's success or both on a Naija album. As is common to all Nigerians, they allude to being God-fearing people when in fact, their actions says otherwise.

6. POLITICAL SONG/SOCIAL COMMENTARY: Politics is a favorite past-time of most Nigerians, whether they know sh!t or not. The political situation in the country gives Naija artistes something to sing about. And like they say, people learn a lot from the music they listen to. Naija artistes see themselves as role models to a lot of young people so they've taken it upon themselves to pass social commentaries once in a while (lets not forget that they are also responsible for majority of the slangs on the streets).

7. ALBUM ARTS: The CD jackets of Naija albums are always made of paper. The last time any one came with plastic, I haven't started buying. It is common to see some of the following on a Naija music album art:
1. Typographical errors.
2. Track mismatch.
3. Artistes showed putting on jewelry that's not real.
4. Websites that don't exist, either of the artiste, record label or marketer.
5. Marketer's name, phone number and office address.
6. Manager/Promoter's name and phone number.
7. Written appreciations/dedications apart from the song on the album.
8. Lyrics to some tracks on the album.

In the spirit of Blogville

2009-07-23T16:48:00.003+01:00

I don’t know if you’ve heard of him, but his work has touched my heart in a way that I may be able to describe –
But not now, that one is story for another day.
Adebanji Adeola Alade can make things beautiful with his pencil and paint brush.
Really beautiful.
Here’s the thing, I want (us) to do something for him in the spirit of blogville.
It’s something most of us have probably not heard about.
Adebanji has been shortlisted for the Great Britons competition again.
Last time, he finished fourth. The judges really like his stuff but the competition is purely a vote-and-win scenario.
If he wins, he'll get a chance to fulfill his dreams of visiting America to paint and sketch scences of New York that he has always imagined in his head.
People haven’t been voting, not because they don’t like his work, or they don’t care but because they haven’t even heard of it!
So, the judges have given him another chance and it’s a big challenge
For Adebanji
For bloggers
and finally Nigerians.
Since when do we ever carry last?
Adebanji Adeola Alade needs your votes, and it’s really simple, log in to Great Britons and create an account to vote.
If you think it’s a long thing, not to worry, you can vote with your Facebook account, just click on the Facebook icon you see on the page.
Please do what you can to make people know, here in blogville, a quick post with the link will do (esp for those of you that have run out of ideas on what to talk about today.lol) and on Facebook with your status messages! And then on twitter!! And as many websites as possible. PLEASE GUYS!!!
He’s still 6th going by the last ratings, and in less than 5 days the results will be announced.
So what if he wins by a landslide sef? He’s Nigerian after all.
Let the campaign begin!!!

He needs over two thousand votes and I say ‘Yesss! We Can!!!!’

B & P 12: On HIV-AIDS awareness ads, D’banj and Tosyn Bucknor

2009-07-21T18:40:00.002+01:00

HIV-AIDS awareness ads on radio
I will be frank with you; I am not cool with the HIV-AIDS awareness ads on our radio stations (and TV stations). Why is it that most of these ads are done by people living with the disease? Most of this people, in fact all of them, are either illiterates or half-illiterates who have some form of difficulty expressing themselves in English. And why are all the ads toeing the line of just getting people living with the disease to do an impromptu speech? Why can’t they prepare a more organized speech or get someone to write it for them or better still, get a well-meaning Nigerian to do the speech? In my opinion, using only low-class, unlearned people for these ads is inadvertently brandishing the disease as a poor-man disease, when in reality it can be contacted by the rich as well, especially those fun-loving, pleasure-seeking, promiscuous well-to-dos.

Koko-anything
It all started with Kokolette, then it evolved into Babylette, Sisterlette, Mamalette and the like. He calls himself the Koko Master. D’banj must have realised the effect he is having on people with such connotations. Now he has created a brand out of it. The resulting products include Koko Water (even if it was a joke), Koko Mailer (another joke?) and Koko Mansion.

Talking of Koko Mansion, I have had several arguments with people who have been expressing a lot of negative things about the show. According to them, the show is going to feature all sort of unscrupulous things involving male and female. Talk about D’banj and the Mo’hits crew taking rounds to sleep with the girls. Can you believe that? Trust me, I gave them lot of reasons why the show will be very far from prurient and why he doesn‘t need a Koko Mansion before getting all the girls he wants. I also listened to a fellow artiste saying that D’banj is just trying to stay relevant instead of staying in retirement. Who thinks D’banj is in retirement? Why do we find it difficult to support creativity in this country? Now, for those of you that still does not know what Koko Mansion is all about, take this:

D'Banj aka the Koko Master is starting his own reality television show called the Koko Mansion, a programme geared towards exhibiting the true qualities of a marriageable African woman. Twelve young women (Kokolettes) live in the Koko mansion for eight weeks, where they will put to play the virtues of womanhood to please D'Banj. The show also features D'Banj's prerogative to give KokoMycine (immunity) to one of the girls but he can only use KokoMycine once in the duration of the show. The winner will among other benefits, be crowned Kokolette 1, and win a Chris Aires Diamond ring, brand new convertible car, feature in D'Banj's next music video, You Don Make Me Fall In Love alongside N5 million in cash. The winner will also have the privilege to be D'Banj's companion at public events both within and outside Nigeria.
Gbam! If have any problem with that, go and jump over the third mainland bridge!

Anyway, this topic is not about Koko Mansion and cynics, it is about the fact that D’banj can connote anything from “koko”. We can brace ourselves for Koko Records or what other explanation does he have for not featuring in the two latest songs from the Mo’hits All Stars?

Tosyn "SpeechGirl" Bucknor
What have I got to say about our lovely Tosyn? Well, we all know that she’s got this show on Top Radio 90.9 fm and I aint gotta lie to you; the show is off the hinges! Apparently, must people think the same, what with all the thumbs-up she gets from listeners. She has enough proposals from guys to last her fifty lifetimes. She happens to have a way of laying them off - she tells every aspirant to call her Dad on 080419419. Tosyn, on her radio show is very funny and sarcastic. She is undisputedly Top Radio’s top-gun, the reason why most people listen to the station. A listener was not chary enough to tell her - he called and said he likes her, not Top Radio. She has such captivating effects on people. One thing I like about the show is the way she divides it into segments; it’s like a magazine show. She is on her road to becoming the queen of the airwaves; you should trust my judgment. Tosyn is also a writer; you can view her blog and her show’s. Yeah, I know; I’m granting her free publicity. But frankly, she doesn’t need it. She’s just doing something great that is worth mentioning. Don’t think this blog is all about castigating the Nigerian media.

I rest my case for now. Peace ya’ll.

Headz Up! Updates...

2009-07-10T20:00:00.009+01:00

This isn’t yet another B & P as usual, just a few issues that have gone on since I last updated that I thought you guys should know about…

Failure To Launch

Contrary to what was earlier reported, female rapper Kel’s album launch has been postponed once more… Again! Though there are no reports yet as to what caused the delay (piracy issues were said to be responsible for an earlier postponement), Kel’s FB page states that the time lag was due to efforts to ensure "the album is fabulous from case to the last track.”

But I really, really wish she and the label Capital Hill Music would choose a date and really stick with it this time around. Pushing forward record release dates definitely doesn’t augur well for a debut album.

It’s no secret that I am a solid fan already but the rest of Nigeria’s entertainment audience can be quite fickle 90% of the time especially when they sense you are jerking their cord. In all honesty I’m praying that by the time The Investment does actually drop we wouldn’t have already invested our auditory capital elsewhere.

While BOUQUI Is Indeed ReDefined...

On a contrary note, BOUQUI’s album, Redefinition did launch as promised which was carried in this online report here. The story by Jayne Usen did make an interesting read especially where it concerned the anchorman, Kamal Salau (remember him from NTA’s Take A Step and recently, Zain’s Don’t Forget The Lyrics?)

Another story here though unrelated with BOUQUI’s album launch, tells of a fan who was beaten up while trying to “steal” Wande Coal’s stunnahz. I’ve got one piece of advice for Wande as stated by Mr. Bling-Bling himself, Terry G: use costume jewellery.

Boyz Are Not Smiling…

One track I’ve been bumping to recently is Joe - Spazm a.k.a. Terry tha Rapman’s new single, Sample (Remix) which features Original Stereoman and Pheroshawz.

Interestingly, Terry’s Sample (Remix) actually samples Stereoman’s track, Sample (confusing eh?) and the video for the song is out as well. It was shot in a gritty Hip-hop mini-documentary/ street style reminiscent of the Thoroughbreds' Street Hop video and traces the creative process that goes into making the track all the way from the studio straight into a bus until it hits the streets of Alaba.

Like I’ve been saying for a long while every music video ought to have a concept. Big ups to Terry and whoever directed the shoot...

Lyricists On The Roll

And no, I am not referring to the HHW award that goes by that name. Flipping through quite a few newspapers over the weekend, it is indeed worthy to note that several of them seem to be taking Naija music lyrics seriously enough to publish them.

On the online avenue however, it appears most site are yet to give Naija music lyrics the respect they truly deserve. They may be playing our music alright but they are ignoring the words. Typical case in point? A cursory search for MI’s Safe lyrics gave some false positives including sites that only link the video. But then of course you know where you got the video and lyrics at the same time from, right? That’s right, from MN…

On The Lookout

Events to look out for in the coming months? Well, Zain will team up with MTVBase Africa to give you yet another edition of the MTVBase Africa Music Awards better known as the MAMAs. Last year’s maiden edition held in Abuja did receive not a few knocks so here’s hoping they better get this one right this time.

MTN’s Project Fame West Africa is already screening on AIT and MITV while Zain again looks to take up after them with its own Music Talent show, Idols West Africa 2. Honestly, after seeing the quality of winners that emerged from previous editions of both shows, we definitely can’t wait to get on this one.

On a music level, Albums I’m looking forward to listening to this month include the latest releases from artistes like Etcetera, Djinee, BOUQUI and Bracket.

And On a Final Note…

Is LG AWOL? I’ve been stalking her blog for the past few weeks and I come out sad everyday. The rank of Blogville legends seems to be depleting way too fast which is sad really considering I “grew” up on most of these folks.

My sweet potato, I do see your comment on a few other blogs but wherever you are, I’m really missing your funny wit like MAD. Holler at me, OK?

Meanwhile, on a side note, you can read up a story here I wrote a while back specially for her. It also mentions certain bloggers. Who knows, you just might have been one of them…

Happy Weekend!

B & P 11: Ladies Everywhere! Bloggers, Eye Candy And Rappers

2009-07-05T09:36:00.011+01:00

Hmm… How come I almost let two whole months go by just like that without giving you a dose of the B & P, huh? Anyway, this month the focus is on some drop-dead fine women…

2x Years Ago…
…an angel was born! And a chubby one at that… That’s right. One of our own in the MN house, Woomie to be exact, added one more year to her fabulous life yesterday so now you know the 4th of July isn’t just special to only the U.S. of A.
Too bad I couldn’t be there but wherever you are, if you haven’t done so already, kindly hop over to her blog and holler at her, OK?
Happy Birthday dear, and here’s wishing you many more happier years still. From Esquire and me, thanks for being our friend!!!

Her Royal Awesomeness Delivers…
And no, I’m not talking of her e-baby… that’s old news. Now, anyone who’s been reading these pages would know how I’ve been whining about laying hands on the Illegal Music Mixtape. I’m even beefing BTC about it sef. Well beef no more…
My one-time prospective boo, Her Royal Awesomeness, the one and only, She of the Tightest Bum, stunning blogger with her smart Medico brain, Bumight has finally sent me a “roundabout” copy of the said mixtape and I’m already drooling anticipating the clash of killer beats and ice-fire lyrics bombarding my ear-drums. What makes this gift even far more special is because this will be the very first time a blogger is getting me a present of any sort. You guys rock jo!
Thank you! Thank you!! Thanks a million, Bumight! The interest and concern in giving me musical pleasure means a lot to me even though I’m still short of words. And yes, I will wear your ring…

There Is One Caveat Though…
Is it just me, or are Internet services in Nigeria going back to the early days of being plain old crap? All this downtime is surely driving me crazy. Honestly I can’t say if it’s the cafes I use or their lousy ISPs but I seriously doubt if broadband has in actual fact, come to Nigeria. No, I am not trying to run my country down but nowadays it gets so frustrating attempting to download stuff or watch videos on YouTube unlike a few months back. And anyone in the know can testify to the simple fact that Naija music videos tend to hit YouTube first before the local TV channels (it’s not difficult figuring out why. YouTube is “free” and reaches a wider audience).
As you might have rightly guessed, my gripe stems from the fact that I am currently unable to download that mixtape even till now. Last time I tried, Opera kindly informed me that it would take 9 hours, 53 minutes and 23 seconds (an exaggeration nonetheless) to download and truthfully, I have neither the patience nor finances to attempt that feat.
In the meantime while I figure it out, I think I’ll just follow Bumight’s example and write on my Twitter page: If you love me, send me a copy of the Illegal Music mixtape.
Maybe that will get BTC and a couple of other females rustling…

Kel’s Investment
Kel Ohia is Investing and big time too…
And no, I’m not talking of investing in a stunning evening gown especially as there’s nothing absolutely wrong with this one which she sported to Etcetera’s Black Tie Gig which held June 14th. If for nothing, one reason to love this extremely good-looking, full-figured rapper is the fact that she isn’t afraid to bring the sexy back into Hip-hop. If you check out her full package in the dress she wore towards the end of the Waa Wa Alright video, I’m sure you’ll agree with me. You can also scope her out in the video for Too Fine.
Her sexy self aside, Kel’s debut album The Investment which release had previously been shifted some months back, was set to hit the stores on 22-06-09. And guess what? I’m about to go out there and - in the usual Idumota slang - “grab a copy now!” When I do, you can be sure I’ll be letting you guys know what I like about the album. Or not…
Meanwhile, one more bootylicious Kel picture to add to my PC desktop, thank you!

Linda’s Dreams and Inspirations
Permit me to say this, one blogger I have secretly respected and openly admired for a very long time since I stumbled upon her page happens to be ex-model and entrepreneur, Linda Ikeji. Of course I am not so much taken by her good looks and curves (not bad… not bad at all) but the one thing I really dig about her is her enterprising, ambitious, never-say-die spirit and the fact that she always strives to remain open to all her fans regardless of anything. For all you know, she could be the girl next door. Or not. But what’s more important, she knows whatever it is she wants and goes after it.
So here’s me doing a little bit of unsolicited PR for her. Recently Linda launched her latest endeavour - her fashion line - online. Now normally, I am not one to fuss about threads and stitches but her fashion line which features a collection of Indian-themed apparel (called Indian Dreams) and her Inspirational Tee-shirts/tops (dubbed i-Tees) have given me enough eye-candy as it is that I just had to blog about them. The pictures below are actually my favourites out of both collections but by all means, do click on the links above to get so much more detailed info on the collections (plus some more eye-tease, if you catch my drift). And just like Linda says, kindly focus on the fine clothes and not the fine models! LOL...

"Once you choose hope, anything is possible"

This one I love the most. It says “Bite off more than you can chew, then chew it.” Inspirational, yet highly suggestive at the same time…He he he he!!!

The Indian Dream collection is made by Indian designer Padu Jiandani exclusively for Linda Ikeji.

BOUQUI Sings A Love Song
BOUQUI’s latest single, I Love You Forever has been gracing the airwaves for several weeks now and looks set to successfully take over the reins from her previous hit track Morile making 2009 indeed the year of the B.O.U.Q.U.I. And like its predecessor, you can be sure the video might be out any time now, if it isn’t already.
The new single is very, very nice but what will give several audiophiles pause on hearing this track is the fact that this gospo-centric rapper temporarily ditches her rapping style and actually sings in her new love ballad. Hmmm… BOUQUI is singing romantic music! Rather puzzling considering she accomplishes this metamorphosis beautifully too making one wonder why she has stuck with rapping since like forever.
Nevertheless, the single was mixed and mastered by her brother, Mix Master Jay and features Mike Aremu who skilfully commandeers the sax as usual. Lyrics-wise, I Love You Forever suggests BOUQUI’s pledge to fulfil the love, devotion and duties of a new-wedded wife, which if you ask me re-inforces the fact that the song is a very clear message to Mr. Right. Whether Prince Charming is actually on the line is sadly not information I am privy to.
With the past success of Sunny Neji’s Oruka, it’s a sure bet that I Love You Forever is bound to be the newest wedding song of the year. Seeing Wande Coal perform Bumper To Bumper to usher in a couple during a wedding recently on TV is SO NOT IT and it’s refreshing to have the ladies singing the wedding songs for a change. Her new album, BOUQUI Redefined or Redefinitions (take your pick!) is slated for launch today the 5th of July at the Eko Hotel & Suites.
On a final note, hey I love you BOUQUI forever too, but I think the famed BOUQUI hairstyle and Hip-hop gear is so 2007-ish. My personal advice? Kindly ditch the tomboy look, lose the hair and ask Kel for fashion tips. Nicely…

Like I always say my peeps, till we meet again…
PEACE!!!

Kel, i-Tees and Indian Dreams pixes courtesy LindaIkeji.blogspot.com

My Life’s Soundtrack - Teaser

2009-06-30T10:00:00.001+01:00

This here’s my last M.I. track for the month of June…
The lyrics of this track were once the subject of debate between two Facebook-ers on the MI group page. Interestingly, the debate stems mostly from each person’s interpretation of what feature-artiste Pype is really saying, giving his strong patois and the overlapping beats.
Too bad few Naija artistes bother releasing the lyrics of their tracks so we’ll just keep doing the transcribing for them.
This here is my own interpretation of that song…

Track: Teaser (Track 5 from the album Talk About It)
Artiste: M. I. (feat Pype)
Transcribed by: Naughty Eyes

[Hook] x 3
Me tell her say I’m the girl pleaser, big booty squeezer
Teaser looking for a diva fo’ shizz-a
What you need is a geezer cool like a freezer
Rule like a Ceasar

[Pype]
Bling! 7-star General ‘longside M. I.

Repeat Hook

And that’s me…

[MI]
Me tell her say: Hello Mamacita
You a-sexy chick-a
I’m a girl teaser
So baby let me please ya
Far from a church mouse but love a lotta cheese-a
Me loving your features
Can you move your feet-a
I’m a Loopy President, you can be my Evita
If a girl don’t wanna flow, me always delete her
And me never repeat her
Me look for something sweeter
Take me to the club and make it hot like a heater

[Pype]
From Pype to the Pipe, Pype, Pype!
From the juvenile, irreversatile
They did not promote girl, we the genuine
Love them to swallow them pride
And just to gleam and wine
7-star General, MI, fresh rhyme
Me a-flip it, lift it on it and the girl them love I
And we no nigh ‘pon them mime midnight to 5
Me love the girl them pretty head to toe
And what you a-goner? Me a-sing all night

Repeat Hook x 2

[MI]
So me tell her:
Have you ever been to Jamaica
Been to Malaysia
All I’ve got is paper so let me upgrade ya
Take you to the next level like an elevator
Your boyfriend is a hater
But he can be our waiter
I’m solar energy and he a-generator
I’m a-PC and he a-cheap calculator
Girl I got dough I bake bread like a baker
Now you’re on my radar so let me get your data

[Pype]
OK! Suddenly me pull me pepperoni ‘pon a pizza
And these girls them love me just like them redeemer
Give it to them and they call me the teacher
Me flip it, lift it on it and the girl no retire
From me roll, send me love their way
To the early morn me no run away
Fi give the girl them truly what them need
7-star General, MI once again

Repeat Hook x 2

And that’s me… (echo)

Pype [Spoken]
Rump on it
Crump on it
MI and Pype!

Repeat Hook x 2

MI and Pype!
Begin the wine
Me love the way me see some boys
Big up them chest like a-them King Kong
Say from now till the early morn
For you we a-fi ever sing song

Repeat Hook

7-star General, ‘longside MI
Me a-sing fi the girl them
Blew!
Ok, alright
Ok, alright…

Fade

Lyrics © M.I. & Chocolate City Music 2008

Flogging A (Hopefully) Dead Horse...

2009-06-24T19:26:00.003+01:00

It is indeed a fine time to be a critic…

Wow! After reading Reuben Abati’s article on nationality and the face of our emerging music landscape and Banky W’s rejoinder to the said article, I can only conclude that for once I am really proud of the jolt it has given the entire Naija (or is it Nigerian?) entertainment industry to carry out some much-needed soul-searching.

When many of us FaceBook-ers saw the notifications on our FB Wall, little did we know that an earthquake was in the making.

For those of you not in the know, Reuben Abati’s piece is in summary, a tongue-lashing of the younger generation of Nigerian entertainers (and we the audiences alike) written in the context of comparisons of past and present music, their respective proponents, the re-mixing of the national anthem and the current style of abbreviated nomenclature which in Mr. Abati’s view represents an alarming loss of national identity.

Banky W’s equally sarcastic yet respectful response on the other hand, which strives to make a case for the younger generation challenges several notions as proposed by Mr. Abati by drawing parallels with the music greats of old as well as highlighting the survivalist entrepreneurial attributes of the present generation and the shortcomings of the much-longed-for “Golden Age”.

As a slight deviation from the very serious issues being treated here, having written the last two paragraphs myself without duly consulting an encyclopedia, thesaurus or concordance, I have indeed proven that I happen to be far more enlightened then Mr. Abati would give my generation credit for and just as polished as Mr. Banky clearly show he is. In short, I am indeed proud of myself. Gbam!

In all honesty I had earlier written a highly intellectual rejoinder to all these rejoinders challenging all Mr. Abati’s assumptions, supporting his valid points and generally proving to him that I know who Lord Lugard and his consort, Flora Shaw were. On the other hand, I also disputed a few of Banky’s sweeping statements supporting a generation of musicians, most of whom - in my opinion - don’t know a musical notation flat from a flat tire.

However, after reading both articles plus the million and one responses that have accompanied both, to tell the truth I am tired of all the bullshitting (pardon my French). I now regret to announce that I have scrapped my intellectual masterpiece.

After reading Tosyn Bucknor’s own post on the issue, I am all very much tempted to pitch camp with her (a very small camp tent for that matter) and say “Warraheck???” What is all this noise about anyway?

As far as I am concerned, half of these reactions to both articles stem from musicians who were annoyed with their perceived misrepresentation (or the wrong spelling of their names or that of their corporate sponsors) in Mr. Abati’s piece. The other half are probably pissed-off that Mr. Abati neglected to mention them.

Rant as we might, we cannot deny some fundamental facts these issues have raised. Mr. Abati was right when he said, “Music is about sense, sound, shape and skills. But there is an on-going deficit in all other aspects except sound. So much sound is being produced in Nigeria, but there is very little sense, shape and skills.”

Banky W was also right when he said, “Far be it from us to claim that we are perfect and flawless in our art... we know that we are still growing and have lots of areas to improve, but the truth of the matter is we have worked very hard to create the industry we have now.”

And Tosyn Bucknor was very, very, very correct when she said “You know what’s worse than someone trying to get your attention? Giving it to them. Which is what I’ve seen a lot of my dear friends and acquaintances do lately.”

And then she said “I see Nigerian artistes who basically have to fend for themselves because structures that should have been put in place where eroded a long time ago! And I applaud the artistes who find this article annoying. Me, I just don’t get why they are paying it this much attention.”

But she hit the hammer squarest on the head when she said “Do they pay us attention when as their fans, we complain that everyone is using the same beat? Has anyone of them listened to us when we say we are tired of ‘Moet’, ‘Bentley’, ‘Maga’ and other words in their lyrics? When last did they show they care, that in spite of the fact that we cringe when we listen to some of the music they churn out, we still support them wholeheartedly?”

Let me guess: Banky’s article will be a favourite with his contemporary artistes who no doubt have linked it into online posterity, clipped out printed copies to pin up on their walls or distribute like fliers at a concert venues and written their own supporting rejoinders to the rejoinders of his rejoinder.

Reuben Abati’s write-up will continuously come under fire till maybe next week when people will tire of it and look for something else to talk (or sing about). Undoubtedly it will spurn a new generation of critics who have now found the courage to say what they’ve been afraid to say all this while about the Naija entertainment industry. Tosyn Bucknor’s (and probably mine as well, who knows) may not come under any fire whatsoever but will be forgotten just as soon.

Like I always say: having a voice is one thing. Saying the right things with that voice is another.

Before the state of my sanity is called into question, let me state here that Abati has never been one to shy away from the truth (or his perception of what truth is) or been known to call a spade a common gardening tool. It isn’t easy to earn my respect but he has earned it and rightly too. However I must agree with the mob on this one. Mr. Abati’s article though finely written indirectly ends up poking out the eye in the process of trying to remove the splinter.

And who knows, maybe poking out that eye has ironically made us see all the better.

While many of the younger generation are still busy celebrating this demonstration of our new-found voice, a few seemed so stunned by the discovery that they do have a voice, so much so that they end up abusing the privilege. I must admit that it was very disheartening seeing people attack Mr. Abati’s character rather that focus squarely on the issues contained in his message.

I am afraid that eventually I have ended up substituting one boringly intellectual post for another. In closing therefore, let me borrow a few lines from my previously scrapped post in which I wrote concerning the loss of national identity which is the bigger issue here and not music:

What is the loss of National Identity? Is it definable in the decaying moral, economic, political and musical fabrics of the present times? Was there indeed a national identity in the first place? Or is what we are seeing now the fall-out of judgements impaired by a cool evening breeze and a romantic moment between Lord Lugard and Flora Shaw?

In all honesty, the loss of national identity started way before Mr. Abati’s time and will go on past Mr. Banky’s generation into the next unless we start realising why we are Nigerians and not how we came to be Nigerians. For like it or not, we are Nigerians. This country is going down in all sectors, not just music and we collectively, old, young, dying and unborn have to pull it up by the bootstraps. I must confess that I do not really know how to do this but surely, throwing generational stones isn’t one of them.

I love Nigeria. I love the youth of Naija. I am proud of Nija, 9ja, Gidi or any other contrivances of nomenclature future generations may come to know this national entity by.

For like I have come to know, as the current re-branding exercise will undoubtedly show, it is not the name by which we call anything that makes it worthwhile.

It is the heart that counts…

My Life’s Soundtrack - Forever

2009-06-18T16:18:00.002+01:00

This song on M.I.’s album turned out to be my best track of 2008 much thanks to its extra-smooth blend of soulful R&B tones, rap, drum beats, thumping bass and haunting background violins.
I’m posting it here especially for all the females I’m currently in crush with.
Even if you turn me down, me still love y’all!

Track: Forever (Track 14 from the album Talk About It)
Artiste: M.I.
Transcribed by: Naughty Eyes

[Intro]
Baby (echo), Baby, Baby, Baby (x 4)

[R & B Verse 1]
‘Scuse me lady, I’ve been wanting to know
I’ve been watching you all night on the floor
I’ve been hoping and waiting for this chance
So I could ask you if you would like to dance

[Chorus]
I like the way you move
I like the way you shake
If I don’t answer you girl
Life in lying my heart go bend
I wanna hold you, tease you, rock you, squeeze you
So promise me that you will dance alone with me

[Rap 1]
So sister don’t move, please
You give weak knees
Hey, lil’ Mama, what’s your steeze is
Gotta say ma, you’re looking grand like jeans
Hello hi! I’m M.I.
I’m so fly, my low is high
Been staring all night, you’ve been on my brain
And I wanna be Abel like Cain
To dance all night with you
Let you know since I met you
I know I can’t forget you
See, I can make it rain and I wanna wet you
Let me show how forever can feel like a couple of secs
It’s a whole lot more than just sex
And it isn’t complex
Girl, I’m so Xtra-cool, let’s Xtra-connect

[R & B 2]
If you are ready, let me rock you slowly
Hold you and then we can dance the night away
I have been waiting for so long
To get lost inside a song
This feeling is so strong
C’mon let’s dance the night away

Repeat Chorus

[Rap 2]
Come close, stand here
Eyes closed, no fear
See, you’re the best thing I’ve seen
Destiny has destined, I seen
What’s your story, what’s your tale?
But if it’s love thing just send me a mail
Right now what I wanna do is inhale
Exhale, set sail
So let’s set sail to a foreign land
All these other guys so boring and
You can come too when I’m touring and
I can see your face in the morning and perchance
We can share a whole lifetime’s romance
It’s us right now, tonight what a dance
What a kiss, Miss, miss you
I know you miss me too

[Bridge] X 2
Take it slow, don’t you know (Waited my whole life for you)
Rock your body on the floor (Baby girl I adore you)
If you’re looking for the man to dance with you tonight
Let me do the best I can
We’ll dance from now until it’s light

Repeat Chorus

Forever (echo x 3)
Baby I want to show you
How much I love you

(Oh baby, I want to show you
How much I love you
Hey!)

Baby (echo), Baby, Baby, Baby

(Echo till Fade…)

Lyrics © M.I. & Chocolate City Music 2008

My Life’s Soundtrack - Safe

2009-06-10T19:03:00.007+01:00

**Long Lyrical Alert**

Hold up! Have you seen the lyrics to M.I.’s “Safe” ANYWHERE online or offline? No? I didn’t think so! So here’s what I’m going to do… How about I transcribe the lyrics just for you? Great, ain’t it?
YO! Here’s me TRULY and loudly blowing my horn. Not only that but you also get to check out the fresh hot video right here! Did I hear you say you love me?
Where did you get it all from first? I can’t hear you. Where? Only on Media Nemesis, baby!

Track: Safe (Track 7 from the album Talk About It )
Artiste: M.I. (feat. Djinee)
Transcribed by: Naughty Eyes

[Djinee - Spoken Intro]
All these kpomo men now… Them be kpomo men…
(Scoffs) Woah!

[M.I.]
Yo! It’s the way that they do me [echo] (Are we safe right here?)
The way that they do me
Crowds used to boo me but now ladies woo me
Truly I’m sorry, sue me
Me, I’m a Loopy, I’m money long like Moony
I’m Looney like Tuney, your girl wish she knew me
My arms strong like Loony, and C. City blew me up
Yup, you can only watch like a movie
Ruby I’m a- melt the game like a booby
People asking “Who he?”
They call me M.I.-er, just because I’m getting higher
I’m spitting fire, this written fire
There’s no bullshitting I’m sitting on top, Naija’s rap messiah
I kill them Mama, them Papa, bring drama, end proper in coma
This rapper show-stopper, he’s hotter
Top-shot, no other rap while I’m rendering, hear the words he’s uttering
‘Cos other rappers stuttering
I rhyme am well, I’m not them, I’m hot, chill! I’ve got skill
The most incredible out of Naija, I’m on fire
I’ve got street credibility and he definitely flow infinitely and so intermittently
Ha! Plus, I’m a party rider ‘cos I flow tighter so put up your lighter
MI be in the house and MC’s they shall bounce and go home to their spouse
‘Cos to stay might be detrimental (mental), better flow better instrumental (mental)
You gotta learn the fundamental (mental) and my flow is so essential, essential, essential
Listen! Silence (Shh!!) is the best answer, not violence
That’s why I bring war on the violins
This is Armageddon dog, hear the sirens
And no, I am not retiring
No, I’m never tiring, these lyrics that I’m firing
But don’t be dismayed, ‘cos Zenith Bank is hiring
For instance, there’s no resistance
The flow persistent and so consistent
Other rappers distant, they should have listened
Because I’m the engine room and the gear and the piston
There’s no rest see, at best you’re assisting
I’m what they’re missing, I’m why they listen
I’m the heart police dawg, I’m cardiac-arresting
The best thing and you’re just microphone-testing

[Hook - Djinee]
Are we safe right here?
You better run fi cover, na we dey right here
Hey! Where you dey when we dey chop kuli-kuli
Dey sell kpoli-kpoli, you dey form holy-holy

[Repeat Hook]

[M. I.]
Don’t try me oh
C. City wan’ eye me oh
And I’m rated highly oh
Heh! They call me M.I.
Listen y’all, yo! Mo gbono feli feli, I’m spitting like Machiavelli
I’m always inside your telly, your lyrics are smelly-smelly
I’m chilling in Pelly Pelly, I’m chilli inside your belly
Rappers are really silly, you rappers Milli Vanilli
But nuffin’ do me because I dey rhyme yo
Nothing’s gonna rule me because I dey shine yo, shine yo
I know I’m so fine yo, I’ll blind y’all with each rhyme yo
I move like a rhino, until we sitting on top, sitting spitting on top
Rappers spitting, they should stop
It’s real when I drop, your sh*t is gonna flop
You kickin’ so sloppy, getting spanked by your Papi
And you should know my P, they call me M.I., M.I., see
I’m rocking M.I. - M.I.C. and my flow is so deadly
Whiskolo whiska, the incredible Mister
The top on the list-a, he’s voted like Next-a
Loved by your sister, he maybe even kissed her
The brand new experience like Vista
Ebariba sanbori bobo
The ladies going loco when they hear his vocal
Rap’s in a choke-hold
Other rappers local, they rap with a vocorder
I’m the koko
Other rappers so-called, I’m medicine for the game like I’m Procold
You can’t deny, I give them what them wanting
And if you’re still sitting down, you’re on a long thing
And if there’s ever been a rap this fly
Yo, it hasn’t been done by another M.I.

[Djinee - Freestyle Pidgin Rap]
Hey! Hey! Why you dey run where you dey run, you think say you get liver
You come dey form like say you be that Arnold Schwarzenegger
Hey! You go talk the one you dey today
Today, today we go run you down you no know where you dey
Heh! We dey kill them, M.I. you dey treat them
Show them say this hip-hop music dey your system
Teach them, school them, if them f**k up, cane them
Oh! Them no know say, them no know say
You be Pyeri boy, I be B-side boy
We do run things eh! We dey run things oh!
Hey oh! Hey! Hey! Ihe ne me! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Pack your load go, pack your load go
M.I. don come here hey!

[M. I.]
Yo! Djinee in the house ladies and gentlemen

[Djinee]
We go run you down in your area
Think am oh!
Hey yo! We go run you down
Your Mama, your Papa
(Scoffs)
Na we dey right here oh

[M. I.]
Yo! And it’s a wrap y’all…

Lyrics © M.I. & Chocolate City Music 2008

PS: The Safe video was directed by Mex of Pixel Chaos. Interestingly, it also contains subtle references to a few other music videos. Quick examples: the background shown when MI says “Whiskolo Whiska” (the title of a Durella song) is a replica of the bar backdrop featured in the video for Shayo, another song by Durella. Also certain digital effects used here are exactly the same in style with the Gbenga Salu - directed Ten-Ten (embedded in the previous post).
Most music video connoisseurs will recognize Mex as the director of the smashin’ high-tech video Dangerous in which Dipp features M.I.

PPS: For those of you who have been good enough to stick to the end, here’s a news leak of a little something-something I’m tentatively working on.
It’s a feature called “TRAQ ANALYSIS” which is a blow-by-blow breakdown of these lyrics, their origins and references. Be on the look-out cos the TRAQ ANALYSIS of these smoking hot lyrics will explode anytime soon on the Spoken Word blog which is currently undergoing a resurrection.
Watch out!

PEACE!

Still Up This June…

2009-06-08T19:22:00.005+01:00

…over the next few weeks, I’ll be posting lyrics from M.I.’s HHWA 2009 award-winning Talk About It album (now available on iTunes) which I can’t still get enough of. Sadly I can’t lay hands on his Illegal Music Mixtape so I’m still stuck with the debut album.

I’m still waiting to hear from Bobby Taylor on how to get the sophomore album and I’m seriously hoping Dante can help me out on this one. For now all I can say is watch out for the lyrics to Safe (yes, you heard me right) and several other tracks.

Still speaking of Safe, its music video just dropped and though I’m yet to see it, Lord knows when it’s going to grace TV. The video had been in the works for a while now (the guys at NotJustOK brought the Making to my attention first) and Sturvs.com confirmed the video debut. These online music sources are definitely da BOMB! Thanks a million guys!!!

Plus Mo’ Hits And Ten Ten
On another note, my review of Wande Coal’s album is almost done and I’ll put that up once I’ve applied finishing touches. And for dessert, you can check out the Gbenga Salu-directed video to the Mo’ Hits All Stars single Ten-Ten off the M2M album plus I’ve even thrown in the lyrics close to the bottom of this post.

Their two bonus singles on M2M are a sure sign that the Mo’Hits crew are working on a new project and for their sakes I hope it’s better than their previous CV album.

PS: Finally, a question that has been bugging my mind: has anyone noticed the very low profiles that D’Banj and Kelly Hansome have been keeping recently from their respective record labels’ activities? What’s up with that, huh?

Have a swell week!

PEACE!

Track: Ten Ten (Bonus Track from the Album “Mushin2Mo’ Hits”)
Artistes: Mo’ Hits All Stars
Transcribed by: Naughty Eyes

[Intro - Wande Coal]
Every time I see … (echo) you girly
Every time I see you girly
Mo’ Hits! Don Jazzy again!
Every time I see you girly
Hey! Don Jazzy again!

[Wande Coal]
Every time I see you girl, you dey turn me on
If I no fit get you girl, I no go carry on
Pass me the paper, pass the crayon
Make I put your sexy body in-a there on
Girl, you’re one in a million
The only one fish in my aquarium
Baby girl, don’t you think that I’m very young
Age no be nothing but a number
Cos I’m-a keep, keep lovin’ you girl
Never, no skip, skip lovin’ you girl
Don’t wanna be like other guys wey dey take advantage just dey…

[Chorus]
Use you play (ten-ten)
Everyday (ten-ten)
Yesterday (ten-ten)
My love no be ten-ten
I no be small pickin oh
Trust me I no go use you play (ten-ten)
Everyday (ten-ten)
Yesterday (ten-ten)
My love no be ten-ten
I no be small pickin oh (x 2)

[Dr. Sid]
Every time I see you girl, see you girl
You give me everything that I like
If it’s wrong to be loving you girl, loving you girl
Then I don’t wanna be right, eh
Cos you’re my generator when they take light
I go dey shout: “Up NEPA!” if you say you’ll be my wife
Na you dey bring joy to my life
If you offer me a chance you know I no go think am twice
Cos the boys dey wish for your loving
If it’s me you’re giving your loving
I’ll never be that guy who tries to take advantage to dey…

Repeat Chorus

[K-Switch]
B-b-bend down!
See, what you want girl, albeit it be drop-top
And a penthouse just to keep you on top
Bangles ‘pon da wrist them look like handcuff
Me money pile up from here to Bangkok
(Ladies!) you a fi need the man that strong like Hancock
By your side, at your back and even on top
Girl you look nice and your style is so top
(And me can’t shout) but me money can talk
When we walk, by your side me chest me pump up
When you go down on me, me always jump up
Salvatore, Ferragamo, Gucci, Louis Vuitton
That’s why me a fi sing this song

Repeat Chorus

(D’Prince is here!)

[D’Prince]
What’s D’Prince got to do just to get with you
Don’t necessarily mean I wanna sleep with you
I’m in need of a Princess and I think it’s you
Hmm… hmm… hmm… hmm… hmm… hmm… hmm…
I don’t need to ask my friends what they think of you
I see my future wife when I look at you
See I love you from your head to your Jimmy Choo’s
I’ma kiss you even if you’ve got the flu
See I’ve got what it takes to make your life easy
You know what it is, the Prince of ephizzie
Never gonna see me flirting on TV, believe me
I’m not deceiving
I’m never gonna…
Never gonna…

Repeat Chorus X 2

Instruments till Fade…

Lyrics © Mo’ Hits All Stars & Mo’ Hits Records 2008

Hiatus Interruptus…

2009-05-25T18:39:00.005+01:00

... which if my Catechism Latin serves me well, should stand for “a break in the Break” - or basically, “stop sitting down on your ass and get back to work, you” - and not the other kind of interruptus some of y’all were thinking it was.

And to think I was actually going to call this post “Return of the Mac” until I realised I didn’t have one… A Mac that is…

Don’t know how many noticed but things have been MAD/MENTAL/CRAZY of late on my blogs so much so that I was forced to put everything on lock-down. I wasn’t even going to discuss it, I just wanted to leave quietly but a whole lot of drama has gone on behind the scenes. Suffice it to say, I’ve re-opened for business and I’m still hanging around. I was down but definitely not out.

Second long story short, the love of my life a.k.a. my PC crashed many weeks back meaning I’ve been unable to do updates or a whole lot of other meaningful stuff for a while. It drove me crazy but she’s in a partially fair state of health now. What really annoyed me was that despite the on-going recession and lack of salaried employment, I’ve had to shelve out a lot of money for her resuscitation. Honestly, you don’t want to know how much I spent, unless - that is - you intend to help me out with a refund or an external Hard Disk to recover my backup.

My friend Woomie has been telepathically beating me up to update so… I just had to do this: GOSH!!! I HAVE MISSED YOU GUYS!!!

Of course I’ve been managing to do blog paroles but it’s a whole different thing altogether having to type out each URL instead of consulting my Links/Bookmarks. And worse, I couldn’t save anything for offline reading which I really love doing, but what pissed me off was queuing up with all those Y.Y. boys Rayo once talked about and jostling to use lousy Ice Age café PCs packed chockfull of viruses and outdated plug-ins.

Anyways, I’m back… and hmm… where do I start? Let me just roam along on this one writing it up as I go.

LEFT 2 WRITE…
Speaking of writing, I’ve got loads to do. First, the concluding parts of my other blog posts are still waiting to be written and I just hope the sequels are any bit as good when I get to post them by next week. (By the way, someone left a comment saying I reminded her of Carlang. You guys just keep astounding me. That’s the greatest compliment I’ve received so far. Thanks Miz-Cynic!)

Then there’s a review of Wande Coal’s Mushin2Mo’ Hits album and Kefee’s A Piece of Me to tackle and I’m also trying my hand at a Book Review. After that I’ll have to script a multi-part serialization x-raying the Nigerian music industry partly in view of the current NBC ban on certain music videos plus a critical look at my favourite entertainment medium: the TV.

Star Quest went by during my absence but I think I can still cook up something on that. Then one of my best Dance reality shows, Malta Guinness Street Dance Africa has begun hitting the silver screen already. I’ve got to say this here: Naija peeps are definitely talented when it comes to all sorts of dancing.

Project Fame West Africa comes up in a short bit and I intend to stay glued to that but sadly I’ll be missing Koko Mansion since the reality show’s exclusive to HiTV and honestly, not even D’Banj justifies a cable subscription in these trying economic times. I just hope they maintain a good web presence so I can follow it up online or even better, license other TV stations to show the delayed-broadcast editions (hope Tony Subair, Don Jazzy and the Koko Master himself are listening).

Lastly on entertainment, the 2009 Hip Hop World Awards came up on Saturday, 16th May with the nominees trying to grab our attention beforehand via their blogs and FB status messages. One mild surprise was Omawumi carting away the Next Rated and Best Female Vocalist awards leaving behind acts like Djinee, Niki Laoye and Wajeh. For a full list of the Award winners and celeb pictures, you can check out Linda Ikeji’s blog while Tosyn Bucknor’s and Banky W’s gave some very interesting Behind-the-Scene gists. One thing that really stumped me was that the HHWA website didn’t have any of the above information on its webpages until way AFTER the bloggers had put up theirs!!! Very BIG banana peel…

HHWA photos courtesy LindaIkeji.blogspot.com and WeRunThings.net

Plus Some Random Blogville/FB Stuvvs
Ok, quite a lot has been going on in my absence but let me mention a few that pained me like shege. First on my list, what’s up with Doug’s blog? Got a notification that he’d updated but when I eventually checked it out, poof! The blog had disappeared into virtual smoke! Wetin dey? Is it what I’m thinking? If anyone gets in touch, please tell him to holler ASAP, will ya? And DB, can you please be a good boy and explain the whereabouts of your previously padlocked post?

Oh, then some good news: our Laide’s got a boyfriend! Bad news: It isn’t me. I swear, that post broke my heart to pieces then gathered the pieces and smashed them to even smaller pieces, I was so sad I didn’t eat for all of 3 hours. Nevertheless, I’m really glad for her, honest. Same goes for Vera. Just two things for me to do now: (1) re-focus my glasses and (2) go cast my net elsewhere…

Is it me or does it seem like a cliquish thing is going around Blogville? I haven’t really been able to savour the full flavour of The African Women blog (no thanks to dumb Lagos ISPs) but recently I stumbled upon another group of African bloggers doing their thing literally via movie reviews. Would have loved to join but I’ve got a lot on my plate already…

Now to the really happier bits, I enjoyed reading Rita’s interview with StandTall. I was actually planning to kick-start an Interview segment on my blog by having a chat with our Activist but the gentleman in me let Rita snag it. Yeah, right… More interviews are still in the pipeline nonetheless, so do watch out for that maybe next month.

Blogville aside, I attended the kick-off of the most blogged about literary event, The 9 Writers Book Tour at WA 7 and I must say I was mighty impressed (even better, the event started and ended on time too). You writers are such smart lot! To show how affected I was, I bought a book - definitely helped by the fact that the authoress was good-looking. Borrowing Seye’s lingo, I also un-met Rayo there since she and none of the bloggers I knew eventually showed up. Dante was present but somehow we didn’t meet either. You can read up his reportage of the book tour here.

I’m eagerly anticipating my next Arts meet but another event I’m also looking forward to will hold this time via Facebook. It’s called The Drive and though the destination details are sketchy, it’s basically a road adventure holding on May 29th. Now it’s been a long time since I had adventure, I’m sincerely praying I’ll be around for that one. As for the Sundays At The Bay event, Laide’s chronicle of the April edition, especially the boat capsizing bit has succeeded in “drowning” my enthusiasm. If you use FB, I’m sure you can search for details of both events on the site.

And speaking of Facebook, I’m seriously contemplating its importance to me right now. I seem to be spending too much time on it and moreover, nowadays every teenager, Y.Y. boy and their dog seem to be signing up and popping me with their Friend Requests. Imagine wanting to be my “friend” just because we share the same very common last name? On the flip side, I got into a lyrical battle with someone just because I said Sasha’s sexy and he disagreed. Anyway, I verbally assaulted the guy real bad and won but it’s not as if I’m proud of it seeing as he has to go and majorly diss my FB profile picture. But hey, I never said I was an Adonis, right?

So how’s this for rambling? I’ve got to stop now… Have a gazillion comments to drop plus my blog rounds to resume, certain strong blogging resolutions to be made, a couple of CVs and e-mails to send, stuff to reply to and then Facebook…

So to summarise, even though I didn’t really go anywhere, IT FEELS GOOD TO BE BACK!!!

Gosh!!! I’ve missed you guys! Did I say that before?

B & P 10: Aging Presenters, Music Blogs & Definitions

2009-04-15T18:42:00.007+01:00

Hollywood, Ko… True Love, Ni… (in mixed English)
This is Naughty Eyes reporting live from the Hollywood Hills in California… OK, let me cut out the crap. I am really in Lagos (I’m loving this entertainment capital of Naija sha. With a well-positioned TV antenna, a generator and a gossipy neighbourhood, who really needs cable TV?)
So why did I start off with the California bit? Well, I saw an edition of Kenny and Dayo’s Primetime Africa show on TV recently where the (aging) presenters decided to showcase the video of Kelly Hansome’s True Love. Contrary to certain opinions, me and Kelly Bros no get wahala. Na Keke and D-1 dey vex me this time.
According to the duo, the said video was shot quote, in the Hollywood Hills in California and features the beautiful Nollywood actress, Stephanie Okereke, unquote. Na so I just balance well-well hoping to see my ex-fantasy babe play love with KH on TV. Instead Keke and D-1 just fall my hand seriously.

Guys! C’mon!! Since when did shooting a video somewhere in Enugu or wherever and adding external video clips showing aerial views of Hollywood equals to shooting the music video in Hollywood? Even me wey never go Film school sef sabi the editing trick them use for the video. Stop playing with our intelligence abeg!
To even spoil matters more, the much-touted Stephanie Okereke’s appearance consists of inserted footage from one of her recent movies, not that she featured in the music video per se! Nothing actually concerns her and Kelly Hansome in that video.
Ironically I’m really feeling Kelly Hansome on that track but to further add sand-sand to the garri, some people are accusing Kelly Boy of borrowing heavily from two of Tuface Idibia’s tracks: True Love and If Love Is A Crime. And annoyingly, KH never seems to be able to do a song without resisting the mention of Control Numbers in the lyrics.
To the Primetime “twins”, I did say this before: If your artiste doesn’t have enough money to shoot in the United States or UK or them no gree grant una visa, kindly try the cheaper South Africa option (you can ask Bigiano). This “Cut and Paste” no be am oh so you guys abeg, kindly drop the pretences and just let us enjoy good music videos, OK?

MI + HIPHOP = MUSIC
No, this isn’t Complex Algebra 101. It’s just an addition to the small but growing roll-call of A-list celeb Naija bloggers.
That’s right! MI a.k.a. Jude Abaga launched his blog a while back and it really looks promising with the 411 on his interviews, magazine covers, future shows and album launches.
MI’s foray into blogging is yet another acknowledgement of the fact that entertainers nowadays need to connect with their fans one-on-one and not just be content with album launches, shows and Radio and magazine interviews.
Here’s hoping that he has the momentum to keep up with his blogging even after his miishiphop.com website is launched which he says will come fully on-stream anytime soon.
Speaking of his albums, expect as many lyrics to his Talk About It album as you want (better yet, request any of them and I’ll put it up for you) and a review of Illegal Music once I can lay my hands on it. You can click on the link above to scope the blog out or check out our new “Groupie Love Section” blogroll on the right.

NotJustOK
The definition of “NotJustOK” on their blog says it all and these guys sure are nothing close to the ordinary. Co-run by Mola G and Ovie O. a.k.a. *O.O*, this Typepad-hosted blog (as far as I can tell) showcases the newest joints from artistes mostly of Nigerian origin and it’s not just about the songs either because you even get to see album covers, artistes’ wallpapers and photos and watch the latest videos as soon as they drop!
How these guys get their stuff hot off the press and manage to update everyday really beats my imagination and on the strength of this alone they deserved to have won at the NBAs if it had a purely music blog category. Methinks they ought to run a cable channel of their own or something!
They also have a Facebook presence too so if you’re an FB fan, you can chill out with these guys there.
One trial will surely convince you and after that you’ll never settle for anything that’s JustOK…

Something To Add To Your Dictionary
It’s official! I’m bored… Here are the latest entries in the Blogville Dictionary of Online Ninglish (pirated copy)

1. ne-mes-me-rize:
Main Entry: nemesmerize
Function: transitive verb
Inflected Form: - ized; -iz-ing
Derived From: charizing [Origin: Temite (I think…)]
Date: 2008

Definition: 1. to subject to nemesmerism
2. nemesmerism - to give exclusive mention to a blog, blogger, media, event or extra fly website on the Media Nemesis blog

Application: If I grant exclusive mention to you in a post, then consider yourself nemesmerized!

2. LMYO (or any other such derivations):
Main Entry: LMYO
Function: verb
Inflected Form: ROTFLMYO; ROTFLMYOPIMP
Derived From: Woomie’s comments [Origin: Qube (I think…)]
Date: 2009

Definition: 1. L(aughing) M(y) Y(ansh) O(ff)
Application: (Commenting after reading this hilarious post) ROTFLMYOPIMPKTFWTFME

Ok parry people, it’s time to go. In the words of a certain Ure’s estranged husband, “I sign out now!” as I go looking for something more serious to blog about.

XOXO (whatever that means…)

PS: Special shout outs to Olowo (for giving me the 411 to the M.I. blog via her “Followers” section) and to SSD (for the NotJustOK connection through her “Nigeria vs. The African Continent” music series). It’s remarkable the ways we run into some very magnificent blogs through other bloggers, don’t you think?

PPS: (Ever expanding) list of bloggers who previously had no idea what “PS” means: Afrobabe and Buttercup… At least they were gracious enough to admit it! By the way, Afrobabe’s terrorist post cracked me up like mad especially her efforts at dodging MI5. Who would have thought that behind all that sexiness lay a natural comedienne!

PPPS: I going to give 5 million Pounds sterling (Biafran) to whosoever can tell me the meaning of ROTFLMYOPIMPKTFWTFME. And yes, LG, you may use a Lifeline…

My Life’s Soundtrack - Play Ball

2009-04-10T17:11:00.004+01:00

No, it’s not what you think. I am actually so not feeling the E.P.L. As a matter of fact, Lord knows I wouldn’t give a hoot if all the EPL teams were to morph into Agriculture clubs what with the way certain adult males (and females nowadays) run around shouting “Up Blues!” “Red Devils!” “You’ll never walk alone!” like demented kids championing their kindergarten sports houses. However in this unique wonderful track - which is my current ringtone, by the way - the talented musician Faze compares his feelings for a girl with the current fan craze for international football. With its distinctive Pidgin English lyrics, this song is the most perfect blend of Highlife horns, Reggae / Dancehall beats and Calypso-influenced steel drums I’ve ever heard. Faze is just too much! Too bad he didn’t mention Enyimba FC though…

Track: Play Ball (from the Album “Originality”)
Artiste: Faze
Transcribed by: Naughty Eyes

[Intro]
J. Sleek. (Hey!)
She dey play ball oh! (Hey!)
And she dey score goal oh!
For my heart-y oh!
And she dey give them kolo (echo)

Verse 1
(Gunners) Na you be my Arsenal for life oh
My true love no be joke, you be my wife oh
(Barca) Barcelona, you too tight oh
Etoo be Number 1, my left and right oh
(Man U.) If you be Man U., I go marry you
You be Red Devil, that’s why I gbadun you
(Chelsea) Chelsea, I too cherish you
(Up Blues, Up Blues!) You dey play no be small, I dey feel you
If you be Marseille oh, I say you dey play well
If she be Bayern Munich, I say you too unique
If she be PSG, Roma, Bonn and Lyon
You dey play well oh

[Chorus]
She dey play ball oh!
For my heart-y oh!
She dey score goal oh!
For my heart-y oh!
She dey give them kolo (echo)
She dey dribble them oh!

[Verse 2]
If you be Liver… (Liverpool), Pires you dey give me goose pimples
(You dey give me liver)
Juventus, you be Champion, lai-lai, you no go lose
(You dey make them shiver)
If you be Real Madrid, I say you too real
If she be AC Milan, you’re my Number 1 fan
If she be Inter Milan, baby I’m your main man
She dey play ball oh, you dey play ball oh
Newcastle, no ball without you
If she be Portsmouth oh, I say you get mouth
If she be Bolton oh, if she be Everton oh, and Tottenham oh
She dey tor-tory me oh (Ehn!)

Repeat Chorus

[Bridge]
Omo, na red card oh / omo, na yellow card oh / Referee, no do us ojoro /
I say na penalty oh / I say na offside oh / na Hand of God oh /
I say na free kick oh / E go knack goal oh / I say na corner kick oh /
I say na half time oh / I say na over the bar oh /
Na so! Oya, kick am! Play am! Score am!

Repeat Chorus

[Bridge 2]
Oya, kick the ball, nod the ball, chest the ball (Sangalo!)
Ok, kick the ball, nod the ball, trap the ball (Sangalo!)
Oya, kick the ball, nod the ball, chest the ball (Sangalo!)
Kick the ball, nod the ball, trap the ball (Sangalo!)

[Whistle to signal end of Game…]

Lyrics © 2008 Faze & Independent Entertainment

Mission Impossible For Mr. Incredible?

2009-03-24T18:26:00.007+01:00

Album Review

Artiste: M.I.
Album: Talk About It (64 mins 23 secs)
Producers: Audu Maikori (Executive Producer),
Jude “MI” Abaga, Jesse “Jesse Jagz” Abaga, Kraft
Label: Chocolate City Music
Released: December 2008
Reviewed: 20th December 2008

The Intro: December 16th, 2008. Location: Ile-Ife, Osun State. These weren’t exactly the friendliest of times to be walking around a town that had experienced multiple bank robberies barely 24 hours ago. To make matters worse, this writer had on an all-black attire and carried a knapsack. Several policemen looked at him suspiciously as he trudged the streets asking questions. The Mission? To get a copy of the recently released Talk About It CD.

Those happened to be the circumstances under which I went looking for M.I. a.k.a. Jude Abaga’s over-hyped and highly anticipated album. Unfortunately, it almost turned out to be a Mission Impossible most likely because Osun State had absolutely no part in the album anticipation whatsoever. After walking up and down Ife I could only find one stained copy of the album and you can trust my Ibo cronies! The guy, banking on my desperation and tiredness, sold it for me for N150 instead of the regular 100 bucks! (The CD is now readily available in almost every part of the country).

The cover design aside (which by the way, was unimpressive probably because I’d seen a very artsy pre-release version); in popped the CD as I awaited Naija’s self-proclaimed lyrical messiah to take me to the Afro/Hip-Hop promised land. One quick spin and I must say I was fairly disappointed at first.

Ok, hold up! Before you M.I. fans tear me apart, hear me out. For one, Talk About It is an 18-tracker album made up of 13 full tracks and 5 skits inclusive of Thank You’s. FIVE skits! Hmmm… That number of intervals in a CD can - if not well handled - turn into a distraction rather than an interesting diversion.

The first, An Outrageous Intro Starring The President can be roughly termed pre-election Arnold Schwarzenegger meets post-election Yar’ Adua. Some people might find the commando-President dialogue amusing but it does step a bit too close to overkill (no pun intended). A slight correction too…Did the album drop on the December 1 launch date or September 1 as the Intro says?

After that comes Anoti, MI’s lyrical proclamation featuring Gabriel on the Yoruba-influenced hook. It’s obvious that Anoti, which some say contains lyrics from Feel E - another MI track - has a hook meant to appeal to South-Western listeners whose followership can actually make or break an album (some other artistes like Timaya on the other hand didn’t include Yoruba on their sold-out debut albums). One good point: I like the “Anoti, Anoti” chant in the song even without knowing its meaning.

MI also commands ALL the respect I can give him here especially towards the end of each verse when he spits out his attributes Twista-style. His soft-spoken lyrical flow makes this Mister Incredible, Most Immaculate Mic Inspector, MC Interrogator, Music Innovator, Mankind Illustrator knock me out flat with his rapid fire yet ice-cold wordplay.

The L Boogie skit that comes next is unnecessary except that it probably ushers in the beat for Track 4, Short Black Guy. (And meanwhile, who really is L Boogie? A Nigerian male Lauryn Hill?) SBG which is rendered in a mellow, almost whisper-mode still delivers the cold style MI has successfully made his.

Pype, notorious on Sasha’s Strong Thing single teams up with the son of the Evangelist on Teaser, a song with a lively beat. Another favourite of mine, my only beef with Teaser stems from the fact that the instrumentals and Pype’s patois delivery sometimes overlap MI’s rap lines making them difficult for me at least to grasp. A very small price to pay for a great song though.

Talk About It which happens to be the title track of the CD is basically MI’s crusade against The System. Featuring Leony, repeated syllables at the end of the bars, a silly-sounding yet delightful hook and a very professional bangin’ instrumental, this song achieves its aim as a title track as Jude “talks about it”, critically drawing our attention to the current corrupt nature of things. As Jude himself says, we dey feel you, guy!

But the real attention-grabber is the diss track, Safe. Apart from the subtle and sometimes open lyrical bashing he gives certain MC’s by borrowing, incorporating and working their lines into his lyrics, even the hook of this song can be interpreted as a subtle diss. Just hide the album cover and ask anyone around listening to guess who featured on the hook and 9 times out of 10, you’ll get the answer “Tuface”. Wrong! Djinee’s impersonation of Tuface in the hook and adlibs seems as if to rub in the fact that Tuface’s freelance style doesn’t quite require talent.

The skit before track 9 (Blaze) tagged Random Guy Buying Blaze From Dodgy Guy is avoidable still and its novelty wears off quickly. Enough said. Blaze itself features MI, his brother Jesse Jagz (another very good lyricist), Ice Prince and the female rapper, Blaise. The rap lines are way tight as usual but putting Blaise’s line towards the end with the tempo slowed down weakens the strength of her delivery and makes her inclusion unfortunately, look like an afterthought. Throwing her smack dab in the middle of the lyrical battle would have enforced her standing as a rapper equal with her male contemporaries instead of the condescending effect achieved by her seemingly slowed-down lines.

On Area, MI features his 9th guest artiste, YQ. This song, despite its fine points, does sound “commercial” - a CD track filler. Fast Money, Fast Cars which comes next chronicles the life of a high-class street-walker and features a complex beat courtesy of Kraft (Mode 9’s sidekick?) and yet another Yoruba-influenced hook by Wizkid. MI’s message in the lyrics comes across very clearly even through the forest of name-dropping. As he says towards the end, “Ashawo na ashawo no matter what you drive / You can spend your life to get money / But you can’t spend money to buy life”. Of all the songs in this CD, this one hits home hardest.

A Short Discussion On The Situation of Things By Two Yoruba Women is exactly that. The title of this skit apart from being the longest says it all actually. This by far is the best skit and despite the fact that the entire conversation is carried out in Yoruba, one still gets the sense of what is being said. Moreover, it works very well as an Intro to Money, MI’s reflections on his growing-up experiences and his efforts to make that stash. The million dollar rhetorical question asked in the simple hook is a question everyone asks almost every day: Where money dey go?

My undisputed fav song in the entire album is Forever, a love track complete with smooth, silky blends of Hip-hop and R&B vocals with an engaging drum-centric instrumental. I could write a whole review of this song alone but I won’t. It’s my BEST, period!

After that comes the predictable religious tribute Jehovah though there’s nothing typical about this starting from the beautiful recitation of Psalm 23 in the beginning, MI’s flow and the Eben and Lindsey chorus. Jehovah apart from the sincerity and depth in the message still goes to show that religious isn’t necessarily synonymous with dull. MI would mos’ def succeed as a Gospel-rap artiste if he fully toed that line.

Depth and sincerity are also evident in Hustle, a clarion call of sorts to all hustlers to “run for us, run” and even though it means getting that H-1 visa, he still urges them to eventually return because “if you don’t come back, what good have you done?” The only thing wrong with this song is its position in the playlist as it seems a bit misplaced (to my musical ear) sitting just after Jehovah. I can’t really tell what it is but the continuity effect in the CD gets lost here somehow. Well, if you have a problem with that, just use your shuffle button.

Then the Thank You’s and Ova Ish… I don’t know about you but I always let this play to the end like as if it was a full track of its own. The instrumental to “Jehovah” and the way MI takes time out to thank everybody (well, almost) while still introducing two more of his future musical projects does it for me. Novel. The way I listen to it continuously, you’d think I was expecting him to thank me on the track!

And finally, Crowd Mentality. Most people use this track as a pointer to who MI is. When I heard MI was releasing a CD, I actually said, “Oh, isn’t he that guy who sang “Crowd Mentality”? What can I say about this track that hasn’t been said already? If you’re still unsure, you can even check out the dopest lyrics ever here. If Hip-hop was a national anthem, this track is definitely one of its stanzas. I would still buy the CD even if this was the only song on it.

As an aside, it’s quite interesting the descriptive way M.I. captions his skits but my media player/MP3 converter didn’t find the lengthy full-sentence filenames funny. Never since Mya’s If You Died I Wouldn’t Cry (‘Cos I Never Loved You Anyway) have I seen song titles this long. Had to re-name one of them, “A Short Discussion” before my converter would have anything to do with it...

After the hour-plus experience that is Talk About It, is this album really worth talking to people about? I’ve got just one thing to say: What kind of question is that anyway?

If you are into Hip-hop and still haven’t gotten it, then you must have been drinking some cheap stuvvs. So what if this review pointed out a few flaws? If I had to appraise all the fine points of this album, each song would be a whole new post of its own. After this CD, I’m totally convinced I’ll be buying his “Illegal Music” and “One” projects whenever they drop.

Remember that Media player/MP3 converter I talked about earlier? I used it to convert my own copy of this album for my PC, my phone and my media player meaning that no matter where I am, anytime of the day, MI’s tracks keep blasting in my ears. I’ve got lots of music but only one other CD has that distinction.

MI’s got it down cold! This album is dope! This Abaga’s album fully deserves a 9 out of 10. Now go talk about it.

This review is done… One!

Additional Resources:
www.myspace.com/pyeriboy
http://www.chocolatecitymusic.com
www.miishiphop.blogspot.com

Esquire's dish

2009-03-22T19:20:00.004+01:00

I’m in trouble! Ye! Mogbe o!

Public service announcement: Due to the large amount of questions thrown at esquire, he has suffered a cardiac arrest.

Well, I almost did (suffer a heart attack). Do you blame me? How am I supposed to answer all those questions? I have never been so questioned in my life! It’s like being on the hot seat, a really hot one this time around!

Well, after drinking like 20 cups, sorry, jugs of water, I managed to recuperate myself. As a sharp boy, I have decided to pull a smart one on ya’ll. The answer to all (yes, all) your questions are: ALL OF THE ABOVE!

There. I’m done. Or are you still reading? Which kain trouble be this na? NE, you’re a fool for this one! I’m never going to forgive you! Just when I thought of going on a hiatus, you decided you will fast-forward it by linking me with this ish.

Anyways, what’s a man to do than to be a man? I have decided to stand up to the challenge and answer your questions, though it may not be as witty as that of those two. (Yes, those two! They pulled a conspiracy stunt on me and left me to bear my cross all along) I’m not use to writing stylishly or in a way that will make ya’ll laugh and I know I’ve been doing a bad job already on this post but please bear with me.

Buttercup: (1) What prompted you guys to, uh, join forces? (2) Did you meet on blogville? (3) Are y'all in relationships at the moment?

Esquire: (1) Its joblessness! Or what do you think will make three young vibrant minds to come together and rant about the Nigeria media they so know nothing about? Its joblessness! That, or they are just trying to be relevant! Who cares about what they say? The Nigeria media will do what they like, however they like. Is it today that people start to talk? They are just singing “le fenu so” for us. Whew! I’m crazy right? Yeah, I know! It’s just the way I now feel about it all. Sorry if I bored you. (2) Yeah, we meet on blogville or rather he discovered me and just decided to stick with me for no reason that I can see! He’s the brother I wish I had on blogville. (3) No. Only Wo answered this question correctly, NE was just blabbering about his being single. I said no because only I and NE talk regularly and I’ve met him twice. Wo and I only talked on the phone once and that was the end, like it never happened. She’s ignoring me, I’m ignoring her. Simple.

LG: Happy blog-versary! The funny thing is mine’s also this month so that makes us ….?

Esquire: Ajo lepo niyen! (Translation: we are joined together then). Lol!

AlooFar: How would you like to save the world?

Esquire: I be Superman? I begi! On a more serious note, it’s not possible to save the world. That is like the only thing that is not possible in this world! Yes, to save it! Even God Himself cannot save us. We are His greatest mystery. He still can’t believe He created us. He is still experimenting with us; marveling at our twists and turns everyday; wondering what other foolish thing we can do. But he is the all-knowing God. He had predicted we could go out of hand, that’s why he planned a rescue mission for mankind – Annihilation!

Danny Bagucci: What one thing do you think if you changed about your world would make the most difference?

Esquire: JAMB question! Answer: My social status. I like myself, I like who I be. I like how/who God created me. I am a humble and nice person, self-gratifications apart. I would remain the same if I am a little richer than this.

Seye: (1) I see you have deleted a question. Was it a bad question? (2) If you had one wish…I WISH! What would it be? (3) What exactly keeps you going in the blog-o-cycle?

Esquire: (2) I wish I had super-powers, all sort of super-powers you could ever think of. It’ll be fun! (3) What got me started in the first place. I like writing. I like seeing my writings published. It gives me joy. Even if y’all don’t read or leave comments on my blog, I just like to publish my thoughts.

Solomon Sydelle: SERIOUS question… Shortbread or Okin Biscuit?

Esquire: I remember OKIN biscuit. Back in the days, when I was primary school, OKIN was the favorite. We were still eating OKIN during early high school days until Haansbro came with their kill-all-classics brand. So, OKIN is out of it, I’ll just settle with Shortbread.

Laide “Ex-schoolnerd”: Don’t know what to ask… here goes nothing. Are you happy?

Esquire: At the moment, yes. That’s because I am writing this.

SpicyTee: (1) How old are you? (2) What are you wearing now? (3) What makes you tick? (4) Why do you write so lengthy? (5) Where is the party?

PS: No story oh….

Esquire: (1) A lil above franchise (2) Shorts or as we call it here, boxers (3) Another JAMB question. You know what JAMB questions are? They are questions only JAMB can answer by themselves! Can you please define ‘tick’? (4) NE answered this suitably (5) www.medianemesis.blogspot.com

Ps: your questions are quirky.

Vera: (1) What is the inspiration for your name? (2) Describe a beautiful woman. What would she look like? What would she act like? What would she sound like? (3) What would you rather have: a big wedding & a short honeymoon OR a small wedding & lengthy honeymoon? (4) Who do you like better: Beyonce or Jennifer Hudson?

Esquire: (1) I adopted Esquire because I like its semantic form. However, esquire describes me - a gentleman. (2) My favorite question! A beautiful woman is one who has all the right features, in the right places, at the right proportion. Forget virtues, I’m down for looks... and features! If you are beautiful, you are beautiful. You can’t fake it. (3) It’s all-of-the-above for this question jare. I want both big wedding and lengthy honeymoon. We’ll be gone till November baby! (4) Beyonce… because I have a crush on her! Add Mary J. Blige and Ashanti and Alicia Keys to the list. But sentiments apart, like Wo said, Beyonce and Jenny aint mates, even Rihanna can’t be ranked next to B.

Rayo: Have you had or do you have serious blog crushes? Name them please…?

Esquire: Woomie O! It’s official! Do you blame me? You shouldn’t! I’m 19, she is 19. I’m single, she is ….? We are both the youngest doing this (or so I think). It’s only logical to be …? I didn’t say anything o, before you start getting ideas. But it’s just what it is – a non-serious blog crush (if there is anything like that).

Esquire: Questions please.

Since there's no more questions, I'm out!

Oya, Make We Answer…

2009-03-20T19:04:00.005+01:00

Or rather, make me and Woomie answer first. Albeit almost a week late!

My, my, my… We asked for it, didn’t we? Good thing you guys didn’t seize the opportunity to hammer us with some really probing questions oh… I was mighty scared thinking someone would ask those going-red-in-the-face type questions (note to self: next time don’t promise to answer anything)

Thanks to those of you who did ask (special shout out Buttercup! Little did I imagine we’d start receiving questions even before the Anniversary) and like they say opportunity does come but once so if you didn’t take the chance to ask for our photographs, well what can I say…

Obviously, in line with the current re-branding exercise, my two partners-in-crime seem to have re-branded their tickle buttons, making them difficult to find so anyways, I’ll put up our answers first then Esquire will come in later with his so do check back for updates.

I did promise we’d answer honestly so without much ado, let the Interrogation, sorry questioning begin!

Buttercup: (1) What prompted you guys to, uh, join forces? (2) Did you meet on blogville? (3) Are y'all in relationships at the moment?

NE: (1) Uh, to form Voltron? Ok, just kidding… Actually, I invited Woomie to join because in my opinion she has a great personality plus she’s also a great writer and she expressed her views concerning TV so well in a comment she wrote. Esquire on the other hand has the same qualities and is very good when it comes to music.
(2) Yes, we all met on Blogville though I’ve also met Woomie once and Esquire twice in real life and they’re so, so nice! I don’t regret I did one bit.
(3) I speak for myself on this one. Sadly, no I’m chronically single. I’m still searching frantically but no one dey give me face so I just dey maintain. If it goes for anything sha, I do have MASSIVE crushes on certain female bloggers though…

Woomie: (4) Am I in a relationship with Jon Xaiver? Nah. Come to think of it sef, Jon, why haven't you 'toasted' me??? lol. I have met him only once, but then there're phone conversations once in a while. We have what I call a 'healthy' friendship.

LG: Happy blog-versary! The funny thing is mine’s also this month so that makes us ….?

NE: Simple… That makes us (you and me) ONE! ***wink, wink***

AlooFar: How would you like to save the world?

Woomie: From what? eh!@? From what? Aloofar??? From runaway bloggers like you??? Please Please Please, I'm still not talking to you. Come back!!! Or at least explain why you're leaving.

NE: Actually, not very much thank you! Ok, I could spout lines about how through super-heroism or ecological protection or by loving the world one person at time I could achieve world salvation but honestly, that’s so not true. Moreover, the Son of God actually did a better job of it than I could ever try to…

Danny Bagucci: What one thing do you think if you changed about your world would make the most difference?

NE: Truly? My low self-esteem. If I had learnt to believe in myself a whole lot more when I was younger, I’m sure my world would have been a whole lot different by now.

Woomie: Danny, I thought real hard about this question. What would matter most is if the way people see me changed, first they see me as a person, then as a woman. If I changed into a man, it would make a major difference.
Note: I haven't considered this craziness...ever! Women R.O.C.K.!!!

Seye: (1) I see you have deleted a question. Was it a bad question? (2) If you had one wish…I WISH! What would it be? (3) What exactly keeps you going in the blog-o-cycle?

NE: (1) I NEVER delete comments except the spam ones. Guess someone sent in a question twice and probably deleted the comment themselves…
(2) Ha! Been answering this one since I read fairy tales as a kid. Simple… I’d wish for uncountable wishes! However free, fast, unlimited internet access does come close.
(3) I’m not sure what keeps me in the blog-o-cycle, actually. I think of throwing in the towel countless times especially when I write something serious and get no comments but occasionally, when I look at my Feedjit feed it’s reassuring to know someone out there is reading. That must be it.

Woomie: (2) I would wish for a million more wishes, one wish doesn't cover everything I want, for myself and the people I care about. But if that was impossible I'll just wish for God to take away all the evil in the world.
(3) Blogville is the one place where I've found real people, down to earth, generous-with-sincere-advice kinda people. People care in blogville, even if they don't, at least they pretend to and it's what matters. The anonymity intrigues me. There's you and Jon Xaiver and Buttercup and Afrobabe miles apart, yet we can talk and share ideas and laugh and cry together and just be ourselves. I can be anything I want to be here in blogville and no one sits in total judgment of me, when something good or bad happens, I want to rush and tell my people here, when I want to laugh I know where to go. It's the circle of friends that we have here, the sincerity and the surprise that it's even possible that keeps me going.
We've got some wonderful people here.

Solomon Sydelle: SERIOUS question… Shortbread or Okin Biscuit?

Woomie: Mehn! Solomonsydelle, you've got the wierdest question. Okin (four corner) anyday anytime. They stopped selling it around and I miss it a lot.

NE: SERIOUS answer… Shortbread. Believe me, I’ve eaten enough Okin to last a lifetime. But seriously, Madam Solo, you astound me! You KNOW Okin???

Laide “Ex-schoolnerd”: Don’t know what to ask… here goes nothing. Are you happy?

NE: No. Reason? I know I have the potential to be the Best in everything yet I hardly do anything to tap that potential. It kills me inside everyday. That’s just one reason.

Woomie: I cannot say I'm sad, that would be ungrateful of me. But I definitely could be happier. There are so many voids to fill, so many places to go, so many things to do, a million and one unspoken words. I could be happier, but I am grateful for life(in the true meaning of the word), for laughter, for my job, for one or two friends, for my family...I am happy about these things. I am happy.

SpicyTee: (1) How old are you? (2) What are you wearing now? (3) What makes you tick? (4) Why do you write so lengthy? (5) Where is the party?
PS: No story oh….

NE: (1) Football age: 29
(2) Shorts only. It’s 4:22 am right now yet the Lagos temperature is HOT!
(3) I dunno… I guess I could say God, love, meeting people, the belief that I’m unique, my innate potentials, etc, etc
(4) Expression. Or even better, Wealth of Expression. I don’t belong to the one-sentence-on-your-Facebook-wall Brigade and I believe some things are best expressed in a free-flowing lines. It’s just like a good book or movie you sit down with despite the length. I still have to learn how to summarise though… Would you like to teach me? **wink, wink**
(5) Blogville Hall (next door to Planet One) he he!!!
PS: 5 questions yet no story?

Woomie: (1) I’ll be twenty years young on the fourth of July.
(2) A pink shirt and a pencil skirt. I’m at work.
(4)Eeerm…this’s Xaiver’s question, not mine.
(5) The party is over luv!!!

Vera: (1) What is the inspiration for your name? (2) Describe a beautiful woman. What would she look like? What would she act like? What would she sound like? (3) What would you rather have: a big wedding & a short honeymoon OR a small wedding & lengthy honeymoon? (4) Who do you like better: Beyonce or Jennifer Hudson?

Woomie: (2) I think physical beauty is overrated. I don’t care about the hips, the hair or the skin. I care about the mind…I love a beautiful mind.
(3) A small wedding and a lenghty honeymoon mehn!!!...a lifelong honeymoon actually.
(4) I like Beyonce better...she is a D.I.V.A. and Jenny is too, but she and Beyonce ain't mates mehn!!!

NE: (1) LOOOOONG story. Anyway, here goes… The “4 Eyes” moniker stuck on me ever since I started wearing glasses and since I have multiple personalities, I assigned an “eye” to each one. Weird huh? Well, once while commenting on a photo of a Naija celebrity in which one of her nipples was very visible, I started with the words: “I spy with my Naughty Eye, something starting with ‘N’” and from there, the four N eyes were born.
The rest are nicknamed Natty, Nutty and Nemesis but I prefer just the Naughty one nowadays.
(2) A beautiful woman is just that: beautiful. Not merely physical, mark you (not that I would mind that) but I do actually love a beautiful brain and character more. So she doesn’t have to look beautiful, she should act decent (with a dash of the devil sprinkled in sometimes) and as for her speech, so long as she can keep me otherwise occupied, she can say whatever she likes…
(3) Well, how about a very small wedding and a life-long honeymoon? Ah! Woomie, I chose my answer first oh!!!
(4) Ain’t really got much “like” for celebs but after watching Dreamgirls I think I prefer Jennifer Hudson better (also I seem to be having something for big-bodied women nowadays). The celeb I like best though goes by the name of Vera.

Rayo: Have you had or do you have serious blog crushes? Name them please…?

NE: YES! Names? In no particular order: SpicyTee, LG, Woomie, Vera, Ex-schoolnerd, Bombchell, Fantasy Queen, Badderchic, Bumight, Lil’ Woman, Buttercup, Funmi Iyanda, Afrobabe, Princesa, et cetera, et cetera and you too, Rayo dear… Need I say more?

Woomie: When I was new in blogville...I had a crush on The Whisperer. I hope he never reads this...it was he who encouraged me to start blogging. But that's all it was sha.

PS: Well, well… This was fun and I’m already looking forward to our second blog-versary. Here’s hoping ALL you guys will still be around then so we can do this again.

Take care and have a GREAT weekend!

Peace!

It’s Question Time: On The Eight of March…

2009-03-08T18:07:00.004+01:00

…roughly 365 days ago, I put up my very first post on this blog! Yay!!!! Today is actually my very first blog-versary (or whatever they call it) so I’m raving MAD as in STARK BONKERS at the moment!!! For someone who never celebrates anniversaries, I don’t know why this one has been shacking me pass LG and ogogoro combined for the past 2 WEEKS!!!

No, it wasn’t my first foray into blogging (I had actually started a personal blog sometime earlier which I later scrapped - then started again, then scrapped) and my profile reads I joined Blogger in February 2008, meaning that for the first few weeks I thought and thought and thought of what my first salvo on this blog would be.

I did have the Sasha album review already laced out but I felt it would be bad form jumping the gun like that so what did my crazy ass do? I went ahead to do an imaginary interview with myself!

Looking back at those early posts, the zero comments (I almost cried when I got the very first one) and the philosophies and ideals I started off with, it sometimes shames me to see how differently I’ve evolved in just a year, I don’t know why…

Anyway, towards the end of that post, I wrote that anyone who had any serious questions to ask could mail me via any of my two e-mail addresses but that’s so old-school now. And so in line with a new way of marking anniversaries that will soon be the norm as practiced by Charizard and of late, Vera here’s what I’m going to do.

I’m giving any blogger who’s interested anyway, the chance to leave comments asking me any question (and I mean any, not even one that’s remotely serious) on anything you’ve ever wanted to ask me and I promise to answer them as honestly as I possibly can. Moreover, since my questioners might actually be few, there’s no actual limit at all to the number of questions you can ask.

Here’s also another really sweet part: You don’t have to ask only I, Naughty Eyes, the questions. Yes! You can ask the entire Editorial Team (that’s including Esquire and Woomie O!) any questions and they too will be sure to answer them (I’ll force them to if they don’t… I know all their tickle buttons!)

So here’s hoping you join us in making our day extra-special by asking any really funny, witty or I-just-want-to-know questions you can come up with and I tell you, we can’t wait to start typing the juicy answers!

I’ll let this run for a week then I hope to put up the answers in my next post coming up on the 16th. Meanwhile, I’ve got a poolside party to attend with all my female blog crushes so you can bribe me if you want to make the ever-expanding guest list. (OK, I’ll even invite some correct guys too…)

PS: By the way, still copying Vera’s tradition, I will be accepting flowers, cakes, love letters, perfumes and cards so do feel free to give them to me in person or via my e-mail addresses (both of them do work but Yahoo keeps transferring all my cakes to the Spam Bin). All other congratulatory messages should be aired on the TV or Radio!

Gotta bounce now…

Today’s a WONDERFUL day for us. We hope it is the same for you too…

Religious Stupidity And Other Such (Newspaper) Utterances

2009-03-03T06:16:00.003+01:00

In one of the opening scenes of The Rock, one of my all-time favourite movies, Nicholas Cage’s character, Dr. Stanley Goodspeed takes a day off work, sits down at home with a guitar and contemplates the justification of raising -- not to talk of having -- children in such an evil world.

You can’t blame him really for having such “un-African” thoughts. A short while ago, he just frantically defused a chemical weapon that almost claimed not just his life but those of his colleagues as well. The bomb in question came disguised as, of all things, a baby doll.

Recently, while going through The Guardian Newspapers of Tuesday, February 24th, I have thought these same thoughts. Is this the kind of Nigerian society I would like to raise my future kids to see?

Violence Escalates In Bauchi, CAN seeks emergency ruleAdmittedly, I had no previous idea that there was on-going sectarian violence in Bauchi State not to mention the fact that it went on for 2 days before making the papers. Equally annoying (to me at least) was also the fact that there was no official Federal Government pronouncement on the issue. It was as if what was going on in Bauchi wasn’t happening at all.

Once again, commonsense became a non-existent commodity as my dear brothers and sisters went on rampage killing, maiming and destroying the toil and sweat of their fellow common men all in the name of religion and a church’s parking space during a Friday Jumat service.

My fellow country-people, where are our senses? When will we learn that the only ones we hurt when we carry out murder and arson in the name of the Almighty are we ourselves? Time after time, the leaders of different religious sects come out publicly to tell us that none of their tenets endorse such incessant cycles of violence and yet none can explain to us how come they are incapable of restraining their followers from taking the laws into their own hands.

When you burn your pensioner neighbour’s house built at the expense of the sweat of his 35 years of meritorious service or you kill the akara seller’s 25-year old son all in the name of exacting revenge for your Creator whose Commandments explicitly forbid the very act, I can then only wonder as to the wisdom of these our counterfeit religiosities or the sanity of we its followers.

Equally frightening was CAN’s proposed bill to the National Assembly that Nigerians aged 21 and above be granted the legality of obtaining weapons for defense against violent attacks by miscreants. My people, in these days when my dear country is unsure of who defines a miscreant or what constitutes self-defense, does it make any sense to further give insanity a license?

It is shocking, says PDP
The shock in question in this instance arising from the fact that the political party lost its governorship seat in Ondo State to Dr. Olusegun Mimiko in an Appeal Court judgment. Normally, I am not one to trade issues on politics but a statement credited to PDP’s national publicity Secretary, Prof. Rufai Ahmed Alkali, does make for interesting reading. While commenting on the issue, Alkali has this to say, and I quote:

“While our faith in the judiciary remains unwavering, we are deeply concerned with the trend of judgments, some of which breed unnecessary tension and instability. It is our belief that the uncertainties that characterize some of these judgments do not augur well for the sustenance of our democracy.”

Correct me if I’m wrong but is Prof. Alkali implying that the judiciary ought to rule in favour of a governorship aspirant whose party was accused of corrupt electoral practices just so as to avoid breeding “unnecessary tension and instability” as Alkali puts it?

Between me and Prof. Alkali, one of us seems to be getting our Law Logic 101 mixed-up because I fail to see how an Appeal Court overturning a fraudulent decision to favour the people’s choice in Ondo and other states with disputed election results “doesn’t augur well for the sustenance of democracy”.

Is Alkali thus suggesting that by allowing governors who rig elections to hold on to illegal mandates, our fledgling nascent democracy (a term I dislike) is further nurtured and strengthened? One would have thought that the imposition of a corrupt governorship candidate is the very thing that “breeds unnecessary tension” and definitely does not “augur well for the sustenance of democracy”.

I think it’s high time PDP and all other political parties as well realize that it isn’t the number of governorship seats they win that matter but how well their elected governors represent the interests of the common man they all swore to serve and protect on their Swearing-In days. And how transparent the process that got them there was in the first place…

Akpabio seeks capital punishment for kidnappers
Akwa Ibom State Governor, Godswill Akpabio stated during the child dedication of his Special Assistant on Projects Monitoring that plans are underway by his state government to send a bill that makes kidnapping punishable by death for passage into law.

I have just one thing to say to this and it’s no different from what I said on the proposed self-defense bill: given our tendency for adjusting Dictionary definitions to suit our meanings, who then gets to define the meaning of the word kidnapping?

Not surprising in a nation whose Police is yet to give proper definitions to the terms: bail and rape. Or what should constitute your vehicle particulars…

Vision 2020 still a mirage, says governor
Yet another statement from a Governor, this time Anambra State’s Peter Obi who said this while delivering a lecture at NIPSS Kuru. Inasmuch as I agree with Obi’s utterances concerning the futility in the 2020 dream especially due to the lack of implementation of any of its policies, I find an excerpt from Gov. Obi’s lecture to be very revealing.

While comparing Ghana and Nigeria, Obi said that recently, there was a public outcry in Ghana over that country’s Speaker’s planned $16, 000 - funded, 3-weeks holiday which compelled the Speaker to return the money. Now here’s the interesting part:

Obi said, “If it were in Nigeria, nobody would raise any alarm. In fact, it was not even up to the amount of money Nigeria(n) public servants give to their girlfriends.”

Kindly notice that the emphasis on part of the above quote is mine. I’m not so sure about the “raising an alarm” bit of it but I have no doubt in my mind that Obi should be familiar with the implications of the “girlfriend allowance” part of his statement seeing that as one of Nigeria’s topmost public servants, he also belongs to the group he just so self-righteously fingered…

In Conclusion...
While many may not share my views on the above, I do feel apprehensive about these examples of rudder-lessness we continuously display for our children to copy through our utterances and actions -- or the lack thereof. Are these highlighted statements above the issues I would want my kids to keep in mind whenever they sing that part of the national anthem where it says: “The labours of our heroes past shall never be in vain”?

Constantly I ask myself the same question they shall ask of us then: what “labours”? What are we doing now to make this country one which they can boast of and say they are “Proudly Nigerian” then?

On a lighter note, it wasn’t all Doomsday material in the papers. There were the Art pages partly focusing on the Society of Nigeria Artists’ elections beginning on page 116, a piece on the dignity of the courts written by Babatunde Raji Fashola, SAN (no other) and two rather remarkable Letters to the Editor on page 20. Both concerned past military leaders but the more interesting one was Nkeiruka Abanna’s “Letter to Gen. Murtala Muhammed” which had this rather thought-provoking statement concerning the Nigerian Youth:

“The youth, whether learned or not have lost their psyche, evolving into criminals smarter than any security operatives, taking crime to the next level while mothers wonder if these criminals trying to out-do each other lived in their wombs for nine months”

One moot point the above statement did miss was that the mothers (surprisingly) still tie the lace and wear the gele these criminals buy, abi? Thought for another post…

Also of note was the Rotary Club of Lagos’ donation of free medical check-up to 500 people, the kick-off of Brazil’s Carnival by quote, dancers and drum bands marching behind topless, sequined beauties, unquote and the beginning of the Lenten period marked by Ash Wednesday.

And not forgetting my current area of specialization, the Vacancies…

B & P 9: Paparazzi vs. Glitterati, Onyeka Onwenu and Tantalize-hers

2009-02-18T09:38:00.008+01:00

Between Niyi, Linda, Dele & Omowunmi

When the paparazzi fight the glitterati, you can be sure that what gets thrown around won’t be confetti. Blogville is becoming an extremely fascinating neighbourhood just like our own backyards and sometimes it’s very interesting to look out of our kitchen windows to see which neighbours are fighting.

Where am I headed this time? Well, those of you who visit Niyi Tabiti’s blog (GREAT blog by the way) and Linda Ikeji’s (GREAT chick by the way) would have noticed the quick war of words that went on last week. They’ve both resolved the issue now and I know its stale gist but no-one ever tires of hearing the story of a big fight, abi?

For those of you who don’t know, trouble started when Niyi granted an interview to a young dude during The Future Awards event who claimed he and Omowunmi Akinnifesi (everybody sabi her now? Na she dey picture) were getting married soon. Omowunmi (the real Omo-sexy in my opinion) when asked by Mr. Paparazzi, didn’t say anything to support or refute the claim so chikena! He went ahead to publish his story. And that’s when the dam bust!

Enter Linda, who then jumps into the fight with a post in which (in Niyi’s opinion) she lampoons the entire Nigerian entertainment media. Niyi, quick to the trigger, returned the service with a full backhand in a reply post which chronicled one of his experiences as Linda’s publicist and how several celebrities have denied relationships that turned into… ahem… deeper relationships and marriages. (He also gave us an insight into where Linda’s flat is located and what she does there! LOL!!!)

Anyway, all the parties have now settled, we now know Dele Fasan was an engagement-impostor and Omowunmi is still single (YIPEEE!!!!).

Personally, I feel there is a teeny-weeny little bit more to this story oh! My smallest toe (my gossip alarm) is tingling seriously! Then, I also want to know where that Dele Fasan of a guy is hiding now. Some people might be targeting the guy for some serious brushing but personally I think we all need to buy him a round of beer. After all it’s not easy to become an instant celebrity in Nigeria just like that. We too plenty…

If I was him, no shaking me for do the same thing. From now on, I am going to start targeting celebrities to marry on the Red Carpet like no man business. Oya! Onyeka Onwenu, Eucharia Anunobi, Empress Njamah and (my personal, full-breasted favourite) Mercy Johnson, where una dey?

Speaking of Onyeka Onwenu…

I saw her anchoring Zain’s latest Talent Reality TV show, “Don’t Forget The Lyrics!” (yes, yet another one…Sigh…). For those of you who never watched Black & White television back in the days, Onyeka Onwenu (who’s also referred to as “The Elegant Stallion” - before anyone accuses me of having a dirty mind, I didn’t coin that!) is a songstress-extraordinaire whose hit love-song “You and I” was probably the reason some of you were born in the first place. Not too long ago she decided to hitch her train with Nollywood, appearing in flicks and now she’s a TV host.

The babe-woman was totally smashing in the skinny jeans and blouse she wore during the Ibadan screening of the talent show that set off her pear-shaped figure so well even my sister complimented her (ladies, beware my sister’s tongue). Surprising because Ms. O’s old enough to be something close to my mother’s younger sister’s age (but abeg, since when did it become a crime to admire better thing/person?) I wonder where that fashion article I read somewhere got the idea that skinny jeans is a no-no for senior babes because it made them look like O.B.Y. (Old But Young)?

On the flip side, Zain’s “Don’t Forget The Lyrics!” is a reality show that doesn’t necessarily judge the voice of the contestants (for a change) but how well they can remember the lyrics of popular tracks in the music category of their choice (see more details below).

Gongo Aso @ The Ibadan Screening

What was the most popular track chosen for contestants at the Ibadan screening? Yep! You guessed right… It was 9ice’s Gongo Aso. The performances were entertaining but I wondered why the choice of that very popular song for the contestants. Is there any Yoruba guy out there that honestly doesn’t know the lyrics to that song? Come to think of it, even Ibo guys know it as well (as for Aboki them, me I no know o!)

It was 9ice (pun intended) seeing the lyrics of the song scroll on the screen though especially one very tricky part I’ve been wounding lyrically for some time now. How could I have guessed that what he was actually singing was “Moet nlo, Hennessey nlo, Bacardi nlo, ohhhhh!!!?” Zain, thank you jare! While we’re at it, can I have the lyrics to “4Kasibe” too? Too hard? OK, what of Femi Kuti’s “Bang, Bang Bang”? Or Zulezoo’s “Kerewa”?

Ehen, back to the gist. My best performance? It was by one guy like that (I always forget guys’ names) who combined 9ice’s lyrics with Klint Da Drunk’s dance steps to produce a new style. Even Onyeka had to dub him “Klint Da 9ice”!

And ahem… ahem… Naija gals are very, very fine o! I mean, check out the fine Ibo babe with the dyed hair and killer glasses whose name is the title of an oldtime highlife track (Osondiowendi). The Asa-wannabe who said she performs at the Premier Hotel, Ibadan told everyone Asa was her role model and yet managed to fluff the second verse of “Jailer”. Or is the chick that did a duet with Onyeka? Abeg, if anybody knows Busola who is a student in Ibadan and who appeared on the Zain show, please tell her I’ll pay 50K sharp-sharp just to get her number. Her face, her voice, her smile, her white blouse with green patterns, her formings sef, all na die! That girl drove me NUTS, men!!!

Interestingly, a third girl, Tega said she studies Wildlife in Ibadan (GROWLLLLLL!!!) And by the way, can someone explain to me how come I can remember all the girl’s names?

And 14th February passes…

Finally! The dreaded day of love has gone by leaving a few earthquakes behind. (Hint: Afrobabe went from “It’s complicated” to being “Single”. Don’t ask me how or why but the news made me a bit happy sha!).

Interestingly, the day was celebrated in Osogbo, the Osun state capital, a little bit differently this year. The difference? Well a new outlet of the Tantalizers Fast Food franchise opened in Osogbo some time shortly before Lovers’ Day. Smart idea on the part of the restaurateurs - at least they launched just in time to catch the love-is-in-the-air market.

Apart from a few other smaller outlets, Tantalizers’ launch brings to two the number of places you can take your sugar-mummies and sugar-daddies to (did I neglect the kids? Sorry…). Mr. Biggs, which has been operating alone for quite a while now, was the first.

Now before those reading this think I have shares in both outlets or that this is a paid advert, no you’re wrong on both counts (I actually don’t like fast-food by the way, I think it’s way too over-priced).

I only mention it in passing because the word “Tantalizers” has now been added to the Osogbo people’s Lexicon of Forming. Heard one girl ask another one as she got on a bike where she was going to when that day of all days was Valentine’s Day.

The responder didn’t hesitate to tell her questioner (loud enough so we all could hear) that she was going to check out the latest fast-food joint.

She called it “Vulcanizers”!!!

Remain posted…

Peace!

Photo Credits: Omowunmi Akinnifesi/Niyi Tabiti (Niyi Tabiti’s blog)

Two Birthdays, A Wedding & A Soundtrack

2009-02-14T08:00:00.003+01:00

Love is truly in the air, at least for two very wonderful people. Somewhere in Rumu-Okoro, Port Harcourt, my main homeboy, W.O. is about now exchanging wedding vows with his heartthrob, R. as they finally become man and wife on the 14th February, 2009. Sorry guys! I really wish I could be there but since c’est ne pas possible so I’m dedicating My Life’s Soundtrack below to you two. Happy Married Life!
Also, Special, Special shout outs to two bloggers who turn plus one today! The first is a beautiful banker who writes her opinions about life, sex, relationships and how to dredd your hair. The second is a lanky guy who posted a coupla risqué pictures on his blog recently, who is a real Master of dry wit and monosyllabic comments and whose profile borrows from a Jonathan Swift character.
Best Birthday Wishes to two of Blogville’s finest: Spicytee of Spicy Café (Go shorty! It’s your Birthday!) and AlooFar of Aloof and Far. I did want to do a proper tribute for both of them but I hope you guys will bear with me. Kindly take the track below, focus on the first two lines of Verse 2, delete anything inappropriate and insert ““Birthday” wherever you see “Valentine’s Day”…

Track: Valentine’s Day (from the Album “Originality”)
Artiste: Faze
Transcribed by: Naughty Eyes

[Intro]
Faze, Spankie…

[Verse 1]
The time has come to show the one that you care for
That you’re going nowhere and no love can compare
To the one that you both share
Take her hand, tell her the way you feel
Take his hand, promise you’ll never leave
It’s your special lovely Val-ey day

[Chorus]
Val-ey Day!
It’s Valentine’s Day, oh yeah
Valentine’s Day!
It’s Valentine’s Day, oh yeah!
V - You’re venerable to me
A - My angel girl can’t you see
L - You’re lovely, you’re all I need
E - My Empress, girl you’re complete
N -You’re natural and beautiful
T - You’re tender girl, you’re so simple
I - You’re innocent
N - My Number 1
E - My everything…

[Verse 2]
Today is a day to remember, it feels like a holiday
It comes once in a year, take your time ‘cos it’s rare
Show the one that you care for that you’ll always be there
Take her hand, show her the way you feel
Take his hand, promise you’ll never leave
It’s your special lovely Val-ey day

Repeat Chorus

[Bridge]
So tender baby, you are my lover
Ladies, ladies!
All I need, you’re complete
Oh!
So tender baby, you are my lover
Take her hand, tell her the way you feel
Take his hand, promise you’ll never leave him
It’s your lovely day, your Val-ey day

Repeat Chorus

It’s your lovely day, a day to remember

Lyrics © 2008 Faze & Independent Entertainment

PS: This geek is still trying to figure out how to embed the song into the post. So NOT funny…

I Am Indeed Grateful…

2009-02-13T18:24:00.002+01:00

…to everyone who took out time to express concerns over my last post. The reactions via comments, e-mail, FB and good old SMS have been really touching. Now I am certain there is indeed love in Blogville (of the platonic, erotic, agape and fantasy kinds, of course).

There’s also a group I’m grateful to. They are called the nay-sayers. If for nothing, their views have spurred me on to keep searching for a much better job. It would indeed give me immeasurable joy just to look for an opportunity to tell them “I told you so”. (Special shout-out to my neighbour who came to tell me he wants to apply for the job I just quit. Thanks for the insensitivity).

They have also taught me a lesson: Sometimes bad news is best shared with only those who will most obviously eventually get to know of the drama or those who bother to ask. Honestly, I could have done without some opinions.

Yeah, I know, I know… I haven’t updated any of my “plenty” blogs in quite a while and as you can guess, this isn’t a proper post, just an on-the-spur-of-the-moment thing. I am still operating in zombie-mode at present but I’ll soon be back to becoming my normal annoying self, digging through your archives, putting up serious/scatter-brained posts and leaving witty comments on all your blogs and FB walls.

Now this: I didn’t intend to indulge in name-dropping at first but I’ve decided to show my gratitude to a few special bloggers this way:

Afrobabe, thanks for commenting on my “plenty” blogs. Reading your comments, now I am so glad I chose you for wife (What?!! You didn’t know?)

Bumight, remember that part of our vow where it says “For better, for worse”? I was actually considering taking over FBA’s job you know, but the sheer number of applicants scared me quite a bit because my CV might get lost in the multitude. But who knows, maybe if there’s an opening in the Park for an eye-glass-wearing tout, I too can tender my own “garage money”! LOL!

DB, (man are you always online?) you dropped your comments even before I finished editing the post! Thanks for the love and support, bro. And your e-mail…

SSD, you correct jo! Lawyer, babe, wife, activist, patriot, agony aunt, oyibo, Nigerian… I don’t even know what to call you sef. Doug wasn’t kidding when he called you A-W-E-S-O-M-E! Thanks oh! If not for your “ogogoro” suggestion, I don’t think I’d have had the “liver” to go ahead (LOL). Now I know why TE, TK, Bomboy and Mr. SSD love you so much (they personally told me) *wink, wink*

LG bey-bey! No vex! I been dey plan BIG for you this Valentine but devil don spoil plans for my pocket. Anyway, you fit come around make we manage soak garri and tapioca that day. We fit even go Chinedu house go watch Naija movie sef, after all him get Tiger generator. Thanks babe *chops LG’s knuckle*

~ Sirius ~ hmmm… Seriously, looks like you’ve been tracking Afrobabe all over my blogs o! Anyway, thanks sis! I know I haven’t been blog-visiting and commenting like I ought to but I will change soon, promise. (By the way, did I ever tell you I like the profile pix?)

And for all those wonderful, wonderful people I neglected to mention please, vex-eth not. I decided to save the best for last. Here it is:

THANKS!!!!!!!!

I hope to be back to regular scheduled programming by next week.

Peace!

The Quitter

2009-02-07T00:27:00.010+01:00

Hello peeps! Yes, I did promise not to post personal stuff here but I just had to do this seeing it’s my most favourite blog and all that.
I’m still suffering from self-induced shell shock after a sudden Life-defining decision I took recently and for now I can’t really see what lies ahead. Anyhow, someday in the near future when I eventually figure it out I’ll tell you here or on my Office blog why I did this…

My Address,
2nd February, 2009

The Managing Director,
S.L.A.V.E. Inc,
The Company Address,

Sir,

RESIGNATION OF APPOINTMENT

Due to several personal reasons, I regrettably wish to resign from my position in this company with effect from today. This letter serves to give you the required 2 weeks’ notice. [1]

It was an eventful experience working under you but these circumstances will necessitate my relocation, hence this decision.

Thank you.

JonXavier I. A.

So there! I’ve done it. It’s official.

And so with no savings, no prospective job offers and my future plans teetering on Jeopardy Mountain, I’ve finally done what I’ve been threatening to do for months and thrown in the towel. Interestingly, since then I’ve been getting mixed reactions since I called/SMS-ed my friends and siblings to give them the gist. Here’s a sample:

Woomie asked me if it was “faith or foolishness” (I still think it was half a dozen of one and 6 parts of the other).
Rayo was stunned (or so I think?).
My sis says it’s the most courageous thing I’ve ever done.
Esquire said… (what did he say actually? I think he just repeated my statement).
My ex-fling asked why I did such a stupid thing when I no other job offers.
My best friend (female), T Banky said nothing (and I thought she’d be the first to call me back and cry with me. Hmmm…)
Three other “best friends” of mine have said nothing too.
My elder bro said I shoulda consulted with him first (surprising because he’s been pestering me to sod the job since Day Half)
One other friend said it’s part of God’s bigger plans for me (Amen!)
Haven’t told my younger bro yet (as a result of my bruised ego, really)
My mum’s yet to check her e-mail as of when I wrote this… (methinks she’ll do a Thanksgiving when she does read it)
Haven’t told any of my Blogville wives too (for fear of receiving multiple e-divorces)
And I just told the rest of you…

Reactions, anyone?

In the midst of all these, Wo’s question still haunts me though.

Was this really faith? Or foolishness?

[1] Section 1 of the Employment Agreement dictates that “one month’s notice is required by either party for normal termination of employment after the probation period. Two weeks shall be required during probation.”

I finished Probation 3 months ago but my full employment had never been confirmed so technically, I was still under Probation. The Boss disagreed with my thinking though so we’re still trying to reach a compromise on that thorny issue. He says he’ll pay me to stay the whole month but I find it hard to believe until I see the paper or see it on paper!

The Reviewer's Back!!!

2009-02-01T20:43:00.006+01:00

Ok, so the Reviewer’s back, huh? Just last month I did the unthinkable. Watching a Naija movie? Tough… Watching a Yoruba movie? Never… Watching TWO Yoruba movies back to back? Unthinkable!!! But I did and here’s the scope on one of them…

Aiye Aramide
Or at least that’s what I think the spelling of the title is. Quick Tip: If you like yourself, kindly apply the Fast Forward button generously to get past the useless ads repeated on each of the 3 CDs (yes, THREE!). Anyway, this movie features the likes of Nollywood heavyweights Bimbo Akintola, Femi Branch and (surprisingly, to me at least) Keppy Ekpeyong in a film that’s mainly lack-luster for most of its parts. I couldn’t determine exactly when this movie was released but from its looks I’m willing to bet it was shot within the past 3 years or so.

The movie revolves around a young lady Aramide, as played by Bimbo Akintola, who in the opening scenes wanders around Lagos looking for a place to sleep at night. Stereotypically, she chooses a place notorious with “Area Boys” and luckily gets “rescued” just in the nick of time by the Agberos’ prima donna who then (predictably still) introduces her to a group of prostitutes led by a “Big Girl” in every sense of the word.

From there the film goes down the time-worn spiral of the “standard” prostitution-movie with a series of dance sequences which are long and mostly unnecessary in which we see the state of Aramide’s progress as her colleagues groom her to blend into her new role as a whore-in-the-making. To signal her “graduation”, she then struts her stuff on a street corner where Keppy’s suave banker-type character picks her up. However, foreplay turns into rough play as Mr. Suave’s true nature surfaces in his sexual metamorphosis.

Keppy’s rendition of a sadistic psycho ironically had me laughing at first then became irritating with his continuous make-believe sexual groans as he caresses himself with Bimbo’s wig while dragging her all around the place by the roots of her short hair. If anything, the Big Man / Big Woman love scene just went to show us that Keppy can lift Bimbo from the ground effortlessly which he does time and time again anyway as if to convince us.

After unconvincingly “dragging” her down the stairs (with her co-operation of course), Aramide falls into a sepia-coloured coma in which we see a flash-back into the circumstances that led to her fleeing the village after being raped by her younger brother’s friends. The use of flash-back employed here instead of putting some delightful twists in the plot actually ties up the whole plot into a hopeless bundle chronologically and does raise some nagging questions. It would have made no difference actually if the scriptwriter had just started the story from the village and then shown how the consequences of rape had led to her migration and her subsequent choice of a wayward life in the city. Chikena!

Also, if the flash-back is supposed to be from Aramide’s point of view, how come we can see what goes on in all the scenes even when Aramide isn’t present like when her brother’s friends boast to him of what they have done? In yet another plot hole, what was the relevance of all the kidnapping drama when the guys use a car to abduct her given that she usually walks past them on foot anyway?

Another very BIG question mark in this movie is the part where her brother realizes that his sister was the rape victim when he sees his cronies with her bra. Why a bra for goodness sake instead of any other much visible article of her clothing, all of which they took off anyway? We guys might like our womenfolk, but I doubt if any guy out there can claim to tell his sister’s bras apart from any other! Was her brother then more familiar with his sister’s bras than was comfortably necessary? Sick!

Aramide later wakes up from her coma after yet another lucky fall - figuratively this time - into the hands of Femi Branch’s character who rehabilitates her more in the line of the biblical Good Samaritan. After moving in with him, she once suffers a relapse and resurrects her abandoned cocaine habit resulting in Femi almost kicking her out though he eventually forgives her and they live happily ever after. Or so we might be forced to conclude because the movie has no resolution of the plot or conclusion whatsoever, the same gimmick usually employed by the Production crews and “marketers” so that we shall eagerly await “Aiye Aramide Part 2”.

Its disappointments aside, this movie still ought to be termed a landmark Nollywood movie. One, it has absolutely no bit of the so-called Nollywood brand of suspense whatsoever (unless you term the rape, sadism and Femi’s discovery of her drug habit as such). Two, the story-telling is totally weak, a fact which the Director must have been striving in vain to distract us from by putting his entire creative abilities into the dance scenes. If you happen to belong to the young male demographic those scenes may appeal to you but for me they were just a waste of time especially when the Big Girl performs her own dances. What was the use?

Finally, the movie wasn’t captioned in any language at all even if mistakenly in its local Yoruba or even Pidgin English. The omission was totally unpardonable especially nowadays when marketers encourage movie circulations to areas where the particular dialect used isn’t the lingua franca. Come to think of it, even the Methuselah of Nollywood, a flick called “Living In Bondage” had subtitles! With this sort of oversight alongside the very puny production values in this film, it won’t be surprising that maybe they had no money to print subtitles during Post-production.

If you decide to rent this movie, don’t be deceived by the big names dropped on the cover. It won’t be worth your while.

And like I always say: Life is too short…
Photo Credit: www.onlinenigeria.com/photos/albums/userpics/10013/bimbo~0.jpg

PS: The second Yoruba movie was Funke Akindele’s word-of-mouth-notoriously-funny comedy Jenifa (Party 1 & 2) [sic]. Famous blogger and TV Presenter Funmi Iyanda’s marvelous review of Jenifa in this post addresses some very relevant Nollywood issues and says all there is to say and more about the movie really…

Big ups, Funmi!

UPDATE: It seems FIY wasn't the only one to do a review of Jenifa. Ran into Laspapi's version here. Both are classic so I'd recommend you read them and choose which appeals to your cinematic eye.

Funke's pix courtesy of Funmi's blog

My Last Personal Post On MN?

2009-01-25T04:44:00.003+01:00

Professionalism Vs. Personalism

You know my P, don’t you?

Your “P” according to Naeto C. as I once saw him explain on the Glo show is your persona, your personality or your swagger. It is what makes you, you.

But this is not about Naeto C. This is about me.

Over the past couple of months I’ve had serious dents to my “P”. I don’t have the “right” job. I seem to be on the wrong train. I’m stuck in the mud. I have had several personal problems that I won’t trouble you with here for now.

My swagger it seems has slowly turned into a stagger.

When I started Media Nemesis, I had dreams, I had goals. I had in mind a blog, an open forum, something akin to 14th & Serenity, an arena where anybody and everybody who had something good, bad and downright ugly to say about Entertainment could log in, express their views and log out.

I envisaged a gathering of intellectuals, an assemblage of literary geniuses each one contributing his / her part towards making the great Nigerian entertainment dream a reality. A place where we would work together with our chisels, gradually, painstakingly chipping away at The System until finally mediocrity would be uprooted not just by its roots but all its seeds and leaves would be burnt and blown away like chaff before the winds of creativity.

It would be through Media Nemesis (and our constructive criticisms) by which would ride the vehicle towards achieving the “impossible”: The Oscar-winning Nigerian movie, the Grammy-winning Nigerian album.

This vision, sadly, has remained very cloudy. MN has taken an about-turn and evolved into another phenomenon of its own entirely.

For months I have battled with my Nemesis (and Media Nemesis), trying to determine what exactly my P is. I’ve debated and asked opinions if the current trend with which I have published posts is truly the way forward. It has become a big dilemma for me. Do I focus solely on entertainment or do I incorporate elements of my personal issues in MN? Is professionalism been overtaken by personalism?

I even thought of incorporating a poll on the blog in search for a public answer. That might still be necessary in the long run. But for now I think I’ve found a temporary answer and it took a sharp dig in the ribs from a friend for me to grasp what it was.

Only the observant might have noticed it but some mild drama has been going on behind the MN scenes that eventually saw me modifying the Blog Header several times and removing my Contributors from our blogroll. It’s entirely my fault really. Good manners dictate I ought to have notified them first. The thing with me is that I’m always mentally hyper-active, toying with ideas, introducing new stuff, removing old ones and all that.

And now I, JonXavier, like Obama have decided to go for Change (it’s becoming an over-flogged cliché, I know).

MN is going to revert to its initial idea of being a Media, Entertainment and other such gist platform.

I will contribute occasionally to Esquire’s Spoken Word blog, a task which I’m beginning to like actually.

My other blog, The Phoneparazzi will still remain exactly as it was.

My other other blog, Not The Office is just coming online.

And now after some very serious thinking, I have decided to create yet another new blog for my personal views, gossip, ranting, insanities and womanizing.

Five Blogs? That’s IMPOSSIBLE! I know…

You’ll just throw your readers into confusion and get fewer comments! I agree…

It’ll mean even more hard work and absolutely no play! I’m fully aware of that…

It’s MADNESS! Well, in case you never knew it before, I do believe I am insane so that’s no news actually. I just want to see how far I can carry this madness. Maybe in the end I’ll tire of it all and just merge all the blogs together. Or leave blogville entirely. There’s enough time so let’s wait and see.

If you’ve ever visited these pages and remotely enjoyed what you read, I now invite you to check out the remainder of it scattered all over blogville. I can only promise to make them just as good. Please feel free to click on the links on the right.

And oh, my Contributors, I truly, truly do want you back please? I’m sorry for being a tit, I really am.

There! I’m done. I’m sure that somewhere out there there’s someone who’s reading this, shaking his head and saying “This guy is not serious! I’m very sure a woman is behind all of this.”

You know what? You’re right as usual…

You know my P, don’t you?

The Real Koko (Part 2)

2009-01-19T20:09:00.007+01:00

Sorry, I couldn’t finish the last post on my real Itinerary. Let me just go straight ahead with Part Two…

Dec. 28th - Really boring day. The sequence is the same: watch movies early in the morn (PHCN gives us power only by 12 midnight till 6AM), sleep, wake, eat, phone calls/SMSes in the noon, eat, snooze, browse in the evenings, eat, sleep, watch movies early in the morning, etc, etc…
Called Esquire to fix a meeting but the guy wants to take me to the “eatery of my choice” like I’m one new chick he just landed! Hope this guy doesn’t think I suffer from malnutrition oh! Did I come to Lagos only to eat?

Dec. 29th - Still same boring routine (eat, sleep, you know, you know…). Big Bro (my eldest brother) travels to go see his wife and kid. Big Sis returned yesterday so there’s no difference in the house space really…

Noon - Esquire says he’s broke so no meeting till he robs a bank. I’m now fully convinced this guy thinks I’m Ramsey Nouah, Jim Iyke and Genevieve Nnaji combined for all the efforts he’s putting to get me to that “eatery”. I start relishing the disappointment on his face whenever we do get to meet and he sees small, dull me! Checked out the comments on my fake Itinerary post and was stunned with the responses. Read the post again and burst out laughing. It does look funny in retrospect (Rayo’s words not mine).

Night - Me and younger bro have a serious quarrel when he accuses me of spoiling all the gadgets in Big Bro’s house when I try to fix the generator. He said Big Bro told him so but honestly I doubt it. These children of nowadays sef! All this his fineness is getting to his head. It’s been a while since I quarreled with somebody. I think I need more practice.

Dec. 30th - Been calling XsN to check if she’s better now. Good news is that she is. Turns out it wasn’t appendicitis after all (I told you, didn’t I?). Called Wo to share the good news too (like as if she doesn’t know already). The Doctor’s diagnosis? XsN’s pregnant! I start whistling Shaggy’s “It Wasn’t Me” (OK, before some people kill me, the pregnancy bit is a BIG FAT lie oh! I’m just prophesying fertility for XsN in Jesus Name, Amen!)

Noon - Same boring routine (honestly, people, aren’t you bored by now? Me sef I’m bored typing this oh)

Night - Younger bro has another quarrel with Big Sis this time about her accounting for how she spends house money. I won’t lie; I enjoyed being a spectator in this one. Big Sis gives him a proper TKO dressing down! which isn’t an easy feat when you’re up against Baby bro. Some people say I’m sarcastic? Just wait till you meet Big Sis! The young man absconds again to spend time with his g/f. Wish I had the same scalding effect on him…

Dec. 31st - Early morn - Call up a former female acquaintance of mine on the phone and we start talking dirty sex talk. Amazing because nothing dey even happen between us! Since when did I start doing that kin’ nonsense? Na wa oh…I must be getting high on too much jellof rice. Is this how to end 2008? Burnt up all my precious airtime still. After all no be every time I dey get this kin’ “action”.

Morn - Finally! A chance to go out! Big Sis and I hit Yaba Market so I can change my wardrobe. After all it is the last day in 2008. Let go of all my reservations and just spent, spent, spent! Burnt a whole month’s salary in the flick of a finger but at least there’s the distant satisfaction that I’ll be looking good even if I go hungry in 2009!

Night - All the streets around erupt in night parties. This is Lagos indeed. Decided to spend my last moments of 2008 in the church so me, my sis and my niece chose to go for the Vigil Mass. Blocked streets mean we take a detour to get to the church making us get lost along the way. A few okada men offer to assist us this earning some easy Naira for themselves in the process. Church is jam-packed as usual but somehow I’m not really feeling the Praise and Worship sessions. Don’t get me wrong: I am grateful, no make that VERY, VERY, GRATEFUL to GOD for seeing 2008 to an end but I prefer to meet HIM in the gentle breeze not the raging storm.

I reflect on 2008:
- getting my first job though it’s a bad one
- tumbling 360+ degrees in my brother’s new car that crashed at full speed which he never got to show Mom or any of my siblings after all except me and yet surviving the accident with NO SINGLE BONE broken
- being on the road every week criss-crossing Nigeria all in the name of work, sales, repairs and contracts with all the risks of crazy drivers, bad cars, lousy hotels and armed robbers
- joining Blogville and becoming part of a family I had always admired from afar
- looking for love several times during the year and failing woefully but my spirit remains undampened unlike before
- all my close friends getting married and landing posh jobs yet I’m the one who seems like I’m stuck in the mud made even worse when they tell me they’re too busy to pick my calls - “you know I’m busy. Just got a job/husband/wifey now” and all that ish...

2008 was a great year though it was mostly a tough one. Working with hospitals this year made me realize how lucky I am to be alive, whole, hale and hearty. Even my cynical ass has to admit that much.

January 1st 2009 - Happy New Year! The relatively cool digital countdown clock on the wall of St. Cyprian’s that has been marking the remaining seconds till the New Year fails just as I want to snap a picture of when it changes to 2009. Ahn ahn! What is the meaning of this? After I’ve been jostling for a good angle of it with my camera phone despite the big heads blocking it? No New Year pix for The Phoneparazzi blog then. Sorry…

On Reaching Home - Eat (even though it’s almost 2 AM) and sleep. Can’t start 2009 hungry, can I? Not good at all. My belly agrees.

Later in the Morn - Esquire calls. Says we should meet up in Otta to enjoy the spoils of his great bank robbery (I suspect his mom and sisters must be a few dollars poorer by now). Told him to hang on because I have a ton of washing to do (have to remove that Okrika smell from some of the bend-down boutique clothes I bought yesterday. As Faze talk, “If na from Bend-down Boutique, all na My Money”)

Noon - Head out to Otta. Get there faster than expected and call Esquire from the Tollgate. He’s on the way.

45 Minutes Later - Esquire is still on his way. Did he stop to hijack another bank? My head don dey swell oh! He must think he’s meeting not just me but that I brought Empress Njamah along too!

5 Minutes After That - One tall guy like that saunters up to me. Think he wants to ask me for directions and just as I’m about to tell him I’m a stranger here as well when he takes off his stunnahz and I realize he’s truly Esquire. The bobo is fine in a rugged way, dresses fine and even his Yoruba sounds like Queen’s English. If I be girl, I for trip.

We head over to Gateway Hotel and the place is filled with mostly teenage girls and pubescent boys looking for a chance to spoil before school starts. I start feeling like a grandfather instantly. Decline hanging out in the club (see pix above) before one of these girls does an R. Kelly number on me. Esquire & I stick to the poolside where a DJ’s jamming and everyone’s dancing like as if they’ve caught epilepsy. Are those the latest dance steps now? One recurring track is DJ Azeez’s “4Kasibe” or whatever the name is. We swap gist about blog strategies shouting over the din of loud music. I’m not sure he even heard half of what I said!

Close To 4 PM - The MC makes an announcement that everyone should clear out from the pool. Turns out the guys have been playing dirty finger games with the girls. Children of nowadays!(How many times will I say that?)

The soul of the party begins to wither with the exit from the pool. Some boys decide to start 2009 on a bad note by attacking a member of a rival gang with sticks! Esquire and I calmly take cover and we later dodge out of the hotel while everyone’s looking confused (see pix below).

I leave disappointed. Sticks! And all the while I was expecting gunshots or something more serious… As we part ways, I look at Esquire and ask him just one question: Why are you still single?

6 PM - I’m back home. Esquire must be disappointed in me, I guess. In his words, he actually thought I was a “more fun loving guy”. Sorry! My blog personality just isn’t my real life personality.

Jan 4th - Departure date from Lasgidi. Rayo invites me to a “Crowne Troupe” performance and tells me to delay departure till tomorrow but as I tell her "she no fine reach!"

Jan 5th - Back to my thankless and boring job. I told you guys, didn’t I?

And that, my dear friends, is the end of Solomon Grundy.

The Real Koko

2009-01-15T19:59:00.005+01:00

Honestly Blogville, I am disappointed in you guys! Ahn ahn! Una fall my hand no be small! And to think I could catch you people mugu so easily without trying too hard sef? Seriously, how could some of you wonderful brilliant people read my Itinerary post and assume that ish was real? Some of you people really need to get a L.I.F.E.!
Anyways, my Lasgidi waka was partly fun, mostly boring and the fact was sadly very, very far from fiction. So with much ado, I present to you the Real Koko… Oh, and by the way, this post isn’t intended to be funny at all.

The REAL Itinerary of Naughty Eyes

Dec. 23rd - After months of back-breaking work on my part involving late hours typing and re-typing bids and attending extremely boring meetings Santa, in a case of classic stupidity, misplaces priorities and gives my Boss an early Xmas present. The Boss wins the tender and gets to pick up a cheque of roughly N40 mil (plus or minus Insurance)! Considering the fact that he still owes me part of my November salary I am finally convinced that Santa must be a total nitwit.
Emasculated, I take my grievances to Facebook.

Dec. 24th - My proposed departure date. Instead of the much expected End-of-year party and Xmas bonus, the Boss gives me the “good” news: we’ll be working till the 28th of December. A couple of meetings with the bankers and a trip to Ile-Ife later (which I actually enjoy because I chat-up a Radiographer chick) and I eventually tell Oga I MUST leave for Lasgidi tomorrow morning come Hell or high water.
That cheque must have improved his sense of humour somewhat because he laughs the suggestion away. Later on by closing time, he calls me and pays me for November and part of December. Maybe Santa isn’t so stupid after all. Just misled…

Dec. 25th - Christmas Day! Took an early morning bath and hit the road sneaking out like a thief. None of my neighbours is aware of my departure. The driver breaks the land speed record thereby cutting a roughly 4 - hour journey (give or take traffic) to half the time. He must have a very good sense of smell because I think the aroma of amala and gbegiri soup his wife is preparing for him at home is responsible for the haste.
Arrival at Berger bus stop. No blogger is present to receive me but I didn’t tell any I was coming either (would they have even come sef? When I no be Afrobabe or Solomon Sydelle?). Finally reach my elder bro’s house after experiencing the typical Lagos traffic.

Noon - The normal too much chop-chop and drink-drink begins with the resultant consequences of gastronomic over-indulgence (I sabi grammar now). Baby bro runs off to spend today and tomorrow with his girlfriend thus giving me more space to sleep on the bed. Deep in my heart I wish him luck. I only pray his babe’s father will be so accommodating if by mistake a tiny bundle of joy pops up.
Called and sent SMSes to Woomie, Rayo, Esquire and XsN to notify them of my arrival. The response is surprisingly lukewarm. Thinking of contacting Charizard & Buttercup but that I faintly recall that diss. Okay, to tell the truth, I actually feel a wee bit intimidated to try.

Oh! And I get absolutely no Xmas gifts either. This should be my very first Xmas without even a single Christmas card. Not that I mind much but I recall that even as a baby I usually got strawberry-flavoured breast milk on this special day. Who knows? Maybe next year I just might be getting that…

The rest of the day passes very uneventfully.

Dec. 26th - Woomie calls me up to say she’ll be in my area. I was very ecstatic about seeing her - if for nothing at least she’ll save me the transport. I take my bath six times. Luckily, nobody in my house has the commonsense to yab me.

I wait tire for Wo to send me directions but no show. Finally I call her up very late just to learn she has stood me up. After cursing her tire (in my mind) I stumble back home vexing with every stone on the road. Luckily, nobody in my house still has the commonsense to yab me on my quick return.
Big Sis (my elder sister) has to travel back for a work emergency meaning even more space in the house. Young bro returns and starts pissing me off right from the get-go. Ahn ahn! Is it a crime if I’m not fine, dress well or have a job in Lagos like him?
Distraught I send out more A. I. D. A. (Abeg, I Dey Around) SMSes. No responses either even from my other Eko non-blogging friends. Already looks like this holiday is going to be very wack o!

Dec. 27th - Rayo and I keep in touch through calls and text messages. That babe seems to be the only spotlight on my holiday horizon as she burns her airtime like fire to cheer me up. Her Papa must get money well-well. I start wondering why I didn’t make her Number One on my blog crush list.
Woomie later calls to invite me for Poetry Potter: 25 @ National Library, Yaba. Wonder if she’ll stand me up again. Quickly call up my pal who knows Lagos like the palm of his hand to get directions. Take my bath six times again, thereby making me go late. Follow the directions faithfully and end up in Lagos Mainland Library instead! Conclude my friend doesn’t have any sense at all and called up Woomie again. She says to stop after Sweet Sensation, Alagomeji. Got a crooked okada man to take me there and stopped at S.S. The bikeman leaves and I trek some kilometers all the way to the real Library sweating profusely in the heat and cursing Wo again (after Sweet Sensation ko, near Bitter Sensation ni!)

Finally locate the Poetry Potter venue (no signboard or banner of the event). Got in through the left entrance and got tangled in a mass of microphone and speaker cables instantly attracting the attention of several members of the audience. This first impression thing isn’t funny at all oh!
Retracing my steps, I run into a very friendly dude whom we’ll call Fineboy (not FBA oh!) My ears perk when he says he has an IT and Animation company. Looked around and finally spotted Woomie (thank you Facebook!). Actually I’m more interested in the cleavage of the chick sitting beside her.

Very, Very Soon After - My gaze leaves the notorious cleavage to travel upwards and I see the face belongs to… XsN!!!! I am rendered totally speechless and I pass out (in my mind at least! Lord, this cannot be true! XsN!?!). When I come to, I mumble something incoherent as I stretch across XsN’s pillows to shake Wo’s hand. My hand refuses to follow my willy, sorry my will.

In all this I am VERY ASTOUNDED and INTIMIDATED by the SIZE of both ladies! (Fertilizer is very much at work here definitely! Do these chicks plan to marry guys like Andre The Giant?) XsN opens those delightful lips of hers to speak and in a moment of clarity and divine intervention I instantly realize who my future wife will be. Woomie’s hot slap brings me back to stark reality (Okay, I just made up the slap bit now but I guess you can see how confused I was at this point…) XsN tells me she loved (her words not mine) my Itinerary post and my reciprocal love quadruples in one blink of her sensuous eyelashes.
The feelings must be mutual because XsN immediately develops a heartache which she tries to disguise as a pain in her side. Says she has to catch her breath outside and like the relentless panther (panter?) I am, I escort her. Fineboy follows us outside and attempts to move in on XsN so he asks me if she’s my sister. In my mind I’m like: Shuooooo? See Lagos boys oh! This guy wan burn my cable for my front?
I ask him if we look alike and the bolo says Yes! Chineke me! I quickly think of a thousand and one acidic retorts to chase him away but I finally settle on: “Oh yes, we are brother and sister mentally. It’s as a result of the great minds we both possess. In reality, we are lovers!” The big head scampers away without remembering I’d actually told him a few minutes ago that I was here to meet Wo (and XsN) for the first time. Last time I see him, he’s trailing one very small blogger like that called Tosyn Bucknor.

Poetry Potter: 25 - Like most literary meets, it was an avenue for up and coming musicians, writers, poets, etc (and some famous ones too) to come strut their stuff. It was my first Arts Meet ever so I felt it was rather cool though a tad boring in some parts. The musical acts were very good especially a guy with a guitar (can’t remember his name again. Of course, you know who’s to blame).

Also, I got to meet (well not exactly meet) certain bloggers like Tosyn Bucknor and Joy Isi Bewaji (of Isi’s Playground). Joy got to read out two stories from her recently published book, Eko Dialogues and I really loved the one called “Serving Time”. Picked up Woomie’s copy of the book to read (she refused to give it to me as an Xmas present) and asked Joy what the significance of pubic hair was in the story “Frustration-In-Law”. She said she didn’t know making me wonder if she really wrote the book! (OK, Joy I’m just kidding!)

Tosyn and the MC interview Chris Ihindero (the guy made a lot of sense especially in his criticism of abstract dance routines put up by certain artistes for foreign grants) and I try not to swoon when Segun Adefila (Campus Queen) sits not too far from me. I’m almost tempted to ask him for his autograph, then I realize he should be asking me for mine instead (yeah, right!)
XsN still not feeling well, leaves the place and Poetry Potter: 25 doesn’t hold much colour for me after that. Woomie too wants to leave shortly afterwards so we both exit the building. While I see her off on a bike, she does something to me then makes me swear not to tell Blogville what it is! (Hint: No light was visible between us)

Wo, as long as I keep getting that, no wahala. Your secret’s safe with me!

Shortly Afterwards - Called Esquire to brag and the guy says “You want to make me jealous abi?” I’m very fulfilled and pleased that he has finally gotten the message. I make my way home regretting I didn’t cop a feel from XsN but optimistic there’ll be more chances to come. As long as I am a true son of my womanizing father!

This thing don too long, abeg and it’s mostly boring after this anyway. I guess I’ll give you the Part 2 in the next post…

To God Be The Glory

Oh! Before I forget my Tagged post, the wrong answer is No. 1. I have actually been in only one REAL relationship, yes she was older than me, yes I have never dated anyone my age or younger and Esquire despite whatever you said I forgive you. I am still keeping my vow of abstinence but trust me, I would have thrown the thing away long ago if any girl's dream was to roll under the covers with a nerd. I be uber-dulling right?

If you got it correctly, clap for yourself! If not, just go back to the post and do your “Correction”.
Only Rayo was not permitted to guess because she saw the "ojoro" before I set the exam sef!

Two Truths, One Lie

2009-01-10T23:33:00.008+01:00

Tagged...

Yikes!

There’s something about “tagging” that is kinda hard to explain. I mean, I love it when other bloggers get tagged but I’ve been dreading the thing like plague. In the back of my mind I’ve been seriously cheering myself on thinking I’d successfully dodge it till I’ve spent at least one year in Blogville.

So Seye has to go and get my ass tagged huh? *sigh* Anyway, let me get down to business.

Like him, I’m not so sure of the rules either but copying from Toluwa’s blog, I think the meme ought to go like this:

a. Tell three things about yourself, two should be true and one a lie.

b. Commenters should guess which two are true and which one is a lie and tell why they think so.

c. Tag 6 people to do the same.

d. Post the answers in your next blog, but only after you have a good number of comments

Since I’ve revealed a whole lot about myself in my “About Me” post, it’s rather difficult to come up with what to lie to you guys about so employing the device called “dating-speak”, here goes:

2 TRUTHS, 1 LIE

1. I have been in only two real relationships
2. I am still sticking to my vow of abstainence.
3. I have never dated anyone my age or younger

Now, come on! That was easy-peasy, abi?

With that, I hereby tag the following, some of whom might have done it already anyway:

Woomie (got ya!)
Esquire (you too!
Danny Baguci (no vex abeg!)
Doug a.k.a. Hot Doug (yeah, yeah, I feel your anguish…)
Rayo (fine gals love tags abi?)
Teebay (No, I never forget you so I say make I disturb you small)

Screw Rule (d)! Expect the correct answer in my next post coming up in 2 days time anyway, comments or none.

Is this the shortest post I’ve ever done…? Thanks Seye!

PS: Despite my hectic schedule and lean purse, I’ve accepted to be a Contributor onEsquire’s other blog. Honestly, I think the dude thinks so highly of me that I wonder if he won’t rescind his invite when he eventually realizes I am totally clueless on what the blog is about!

You can click on this link to catch the buzz…

B & P 8: Dora Akunyili, Timaya and 5 Kobo... Plus Some Breaking News!!!

2009-01-06T20:31:00.004+01:00

Additional Reportage & Photo Credits: Bella Naija

Two Wor-Wor People

First of all, a disclaimer: I do not look like an Adonis. I don’t look like Prince Charming either. To summarize it all, I’m not fine.

But as ordinary as I look whenever I remember one certain friend of a friend of mine I used to have some years ago I always say “Baba God, you try for me sha!” Dude looked so unfine like as if the devil took one look at his clay mould, gave it right and left hooks followed by an uppercut and then sent it off for firing.

To make matters worse, dude decides to inflict his misfortune on future generations by making sure he dates a chick who is just as facially blessed as he is. Instead of calling him and his girlfriend a couple, we always called them two wor-wor people.

What reminded me of this dude? Well, the first thing I see as soon as I step into Lagos is an okada man sporting a Mohawk and a chick sporting a copy of The Encomium. In a corner of the front cover is a headline that screams: Timaya finally confirms relationship with Empress Njamah!

Having caught bits of the lovey-dovey gossip on Bella Naija’s site I wasn’t too amazed by the revelation but I’m just a tad curious how a Bayelsan truth-singer got to hook up with one of Nollywood’s blond bad-girl actresses. Was this love at first sight or rather, first fright? It’s more likely just a case of two wor-wor people.

Maybe if I was bored and very talented with photo-software I could have turned prophet and done a composite picture of what their kids might look like but anyway, I’m very proud of how far my fellow PHC homeboy has come in breaking into the Lagos circles even if this particular circle looks like someone hit her very hard on the head at least once.

And if this relationship is anything like that of that dude I mentioned earlier, I bet we’ll be seeing this wor-wor couple for some time to come…

The Unstoppable Copycat?
Controversy already seems to be trailing the release of Tuface (or is it 2face) Idibia’s new album “The Unstoppable”. Apparently the centre of the debate rests around the so-called duet “Flex” that features Chi-town R & B king, R. Kelly on the 19-tracker album. The bone of contention here is that the 2face version of “Flex” is virtually identical to another version of the very same song this time performed by the same old R. Kelly this time with Shaggy.

The deception employed here is fairly simple even to non-Hip-Hop heads. Someone just took the same Shaggy / R. Kelly song, edited the Shaggy parts out, got 2face to drop his own vocals on top and voila! A duet! Or do it?

Now the question is: Whodunit? Some people have even taken to comparing the release dates of both songs to determine who copied who like as if release dates mean a thing.

Was R. Kelly just too “busy” to sing an original duet with Tuface and alternatively suggested the swap or was Tuface the one who got permission to do a cover of the other version? Sampling is nothing new neither is it a crime (Bob Marley has been sampled numerous times) but this kind of deceit is a huge smack on the face of music fans who have been eagerly anticipating the over-hyped collabo. Whoever was the fool that convinced Tuface that a sample is the same thing as a duet?

Why Hypertek and Zomba had to resort to this underhand sleight is puzzling considering both artistes are very much alive and creative enough to record an original track. One wonders if they’re going to use the same cut-and-join for the video if it ever comes to that.

The fanatical Tuface Fans Brigade have already picked up their ammunition to defend their darling crooner and they’re so caught up playing “Flex” and lip-syncing “African Queen” while reciting his litany of awards to give a hoot. Maybe the rest of us can take solace in the fact that thanks to the wonders of digital music, we can in typical Tuface - stylee someday have duets with R. Kelly, Amy Winehouse or Alvin & The Chipmunks (who by the way has its own version too of Flex. That particular song has been sampled so many times).

As for me, I gave up on Tuface not long after the Face 2 Face album. Nowadays I just wait till someone I know is gullible enough to buy his albums then I just rip the thing to MP3 sharply. Space-saving and economical to boot!

Have Some Tea… No Make That Choco-Milk
Deception also reigns in the advertising world. Some would even say both are synonymous and WAMCO Plc, makers of Peak seem to confirm this with their current spate of ads for the new Peak Choco-Milk. Almost all the ads are roughly themed after a mother who calls her children to come and have some “tea”.

“Tea” however turns out to be choco-milk, a combo of powdered milk, cocoa and sugar. Surprise, surprise! Now, is someone trying to pull a fast one on us by re-writing the dictionary? I need assistance here but isn’t tea the stuff that’s made out of dried ground tea leaves usually stored in small paper bags? Since when did chocolate drinks qualify as tea then?

Yeah I know the whole ad thing is just a copywriter’s attempt at wordplay but imagine if other ads were to toe that line? Scene One: A mother walks on-screen, smiles at the viewers and says stuff like, “You know, my daughter and I have our own special code words when we communicate. For example, when she says…”

At this point the daughter comes on-screen and says “Mom, I need to buy a pack of sanitary pads.” At which point the mom beams and replies, “You’ve hooked that aristo guy haven’t you? That’s my girl!”

Or Scene Two: Boy walks into the family living room dragging his feet while everyone’s watching TV and sullenly tells his dad: “Pops, I have to buy another JAMB form”.

Pops takes off his glasses, throws down his newspaper and decks the son a left hook while yelling: “Stupid boy! You’ve caught the clap again?!?”

Tea ko, choco-milk ni? Tea na tea abeg!

Minister of Pharmaceutical Information?
Anyone who accuses Yardie of not being smart obviously doesn’t know his or her Naija Politics 101 very well. Remember, people made the same mistake with OBJ and the guy just casually increased workers’ salaries each time with subsequent increases in fuel prices and just look where both are right now.

Now back to Yardie. Mr. 7 Point Agenda gave us a nationwide shocker when he appointed Madam NAFDAC, Prof. Dora Akunyili as the new Minister of Information. Trust NUJ. According to the papers, NUJ was like “Shuo? We don’t want her as our Information Minister jare!”

Now I’m not Madam Akunyili but if it was me, I would have rejected the appointment sharpish. Why? Well, everyone knows that an Ambassador is an honest man sent abroad to lie for his country, abi? An Information Minister is much worse. He is like his wicked step-brother - a dishonest man / woman who stays behind to lie to his own country-people.

It’s just a pity that Yardie has decided to rubbish Akunyili’s NAFDAC-certified credibility by presenting her as his propaganda mouthpiece and hoping we’ll be naïve enough to lick up all the honey dripping from her lips without checking the expiry date or batch number. Will she be now forced to give us non-iodized / non-vitamin A-enriched Information with the hopes that we’ll stupidly turn a blind eye to his go-slow policies?

Well what’s your take on this? I put up a new poll on the right to get your views on the issue but for me, I just pray she doesn’t get trampled under the hooves of the propaganda horse she has now mounted. I wish her the best. She needs it.

Is MTN really worth it?
I love Naija, I no go lie… Especially now that we all are developing very fantastic sense of humour thanks in part from watching too much of Opa Williams’ “Night Of A Thousand Laughs”.

Caught a news piece on Livingspring FM some weeks back which stated that a certain human rights activist, Chief A. Shittu and a group called CDRP (I’m not too sure of the name) had sued MTN and the NCC to court for poor telecommunication services in Osogbo, the Osun State capital.

Now get this: the said Chief Shittu prayed the court to compel both parties to pay damages to the tune of 5 kobo! You heard me right! Not N5 million, not N 500, 000, not even N 5,000 but 5 kobo! Haba!

The amount, according to Shittu is worked out to be the worth of MTN Nigeria to the people of Osogbo. Also NCC and MTN had earlier gone to court on Nov. 10 to stop the proceedings by challenging the jurisdiction of the court to hear such a case. Na wa for all these people sef! Must they win every case?

I can only imagine the embarrassment on the faces of both sets of lawyers (who by the way must draw very fat salaries) donning their wigs and gowns to go and settle a 5 kobo case. Unfortunately I didn’t hear the eventual outcome of the judge’s decision but if I was MTN, I would have just sent one Law School student like that to gracefully lose the case then offer Chief Shittu a very crisp N5 note and tell him to keep the change. But this Shittu of a guy is smart sha. If he wins just imagine all the trouble MTN and NCC will have to go through just to locate a 5 kobo coin in this modern day Naija!

Wonders they say will never end…

PS: Due to my past long holiday spent in couch-potato mode and the present mad frenzy of post-holiday work, the MNR Awards post slipped past the scheduled deadline. More detailed explanations later but for now stay tuned ‘cos it’ll be coming to a PC near you any time soon, probably before the month is up.

Ciao and HAPPY NEW YEAR!

PPS: I saw Tuface serenading (abi na smooching) Cossy Orjiakor on TV last week during one of their Nollywood gigs or the other. I’m betting we can tell who his next baby mama will be. If na lie, make I naked baff…!

BREAKING NEWS: Just saw an online post that foremost novelist and literary icon Elechi Amadi who wrote "The Concubine" amongst other books was kidnapped on January 05, 2009 at his home (Aluu town) Port Harcourt. Click here to visit his site for more details. Recent reports however said he was released on the 6th of January, barely 24 hours after his abduction.

WE ALL SHOULD CONDEMN THIS ACT

My Life’s Soundtrack - Crowd Mentality

2009-01-03T19:02:00.005+01:00

Almost everyone’s feeling M.I. like craze right now but how many people actually knew the brother before he dropped his album? I remember listening to this track for the very first time and feeling “Men! This is the REAL ISH!” The beat, the smooth lyrical flow, the clarity of his rap lines and the deep message in the track, - the fine points of this song are just too numerous to enumerate.

It’s a New Year and what better time for each and every one of us to break free from our self-imposed societal shackles than now?

Before “Talk About It” there was “Crowd Mentality” and before that there was M.I.. Here’s presenting “Crowd Mentality…”

Crowd Mentality - M.I. feat Uche (from the Album “Talk About It”)
Transcribed by: Naughty Eyes

[Spoken Intro]
Now we’re gonna talk about something serious

Yo! M.I., Yo! Chocolate City, Yo! Rythchus Era

[Rap 1]
If you don’t have a mind of your own
Don’t be disappointed, this is fine, be a clone
Listen to me rhyme, I’m done trying to be mine all alone
And to make things connect like a spine to a bone
I’ve changed my mind I’d rather be the same as
All these fake ass entertainers
Make bad music just to rock in arenas
Use words like… (no bad language on radio)
‘Cos I tried hard to make the difference
Make the kind of music youse can use as reference
Everybody else say: let’s dance
Who am I to tell them otherwise?
That’s a job for Reverends
So I’m ready now to join the movement
Together press for negative improvement
Everybody or not
To forever end the search for life

[Hook]
So when I say jump (jump)
Everybody in the place dance (dance)
Everybody in the place move (move)
Everybody in the world just scream (scream! scream!!)
When I say jump (jump)
Everybody in the place dance (dance)
Everybody in the place move (move)
Everybody in the whole world stop (scream? Huh? Oh-uh?)

[Rap 2]
If you don’t have a mind for yourself
Don’t be disappointed, this is good for your health
It’s the road to riches and to diamonds and wealth
Redesigned it myself, to all Black people put your mind on your shelf
It’s Ok to be poor, be needy
Better yet still care for more, be greedy
Everybody get mis-educated
Be lazy, fat, stupid with your mind sedated
No matter how many songs I sing
About truth, honesty, it’ll never change a thing
I just wanna be rich and famous
The world is screaming out: Please entertain us!
Yo, the whole world is glass or plastic
It’s split like refraction, need action drastic
So forgive me I’m a tad sarcastic
These venomous lyrics on my lips like chopsticks

[Hook 2]
So when I say sit (sit)
Everybody in the place stand (stand)
Everybody in the place jump (jump)
Everybody in the place scream (scream! scream!!)
When I say sit (sit)
Everybody in the place stand (stand)
Everybody in the world just jump (jump)
Everybody in the world be yourself (be yourself, be yourself)

Yeah, break it down, break it down, break it down (x3)
Here we go!

[Rap 3]
So the moral of this song is
There are people walking around just like zombies
And it’s so strange, how people are afraid of change
Afraid of what would happen if we re-arrange
So most Black people are just doing what the crowd do
Doing what the system say, that we’re allowed to
So break free from the crowd mentality
And then we can start to build a new reality.

(Now you’ve got to know
Said you’ve got to know
And you’ve got to know
Who you are)

[Hook 3]
So come on, everybody in the place fly
Everybody in the place dream
Everybody in the place be yourself (be yourself, be yourself)
When I say shine (shine)
Everybody in the place fly (fly)
Everybody in the place dream (dream)
Everybody in the place be yourself (be yourself, be yourself)
When I say sing (sing)
Everybody in the place speak (speak)
Everybody in the place c’mon shout (shout)
Everybody in the place be yourself (be yourself, be yourself)
When I say sing (sing)
Everybody in the place speak (speak)
Everybody in the place shout (shout)
Everybody in the place be yourself (be yourself, be yourself)

Be yourself

Yo! Be Black / Beautiful / Strong / Correct / Nice / Good / Right / Tight / Alright / Creative / Native / Real / Have Skills, Stand Tall
And be all you can be

(Now you’ve got to know
Said you’ve got to know
And you’ve got to know
Who you are)

And that’s all I have to say about that

Lyrics © 2008 M.I. & Chocolate City Music

My Itinerary

2008-12-24T20:38:00.004+01:00

Those of you who know me by now are aware of how I've been going on and on about my proposed Xmas trip to Lagos, abi? Well finally, here's my itinerary as dutifully drawn up by Woomie O! and scheduled by Esquire:

THE ITINERARY OF NAUGHTY EYES

Dec 24th - Arrival: Oshodi, Lagos. ETA: 3pm via Easy Transport Service. To be received at Park by T. Banky, XsN, Rayo & Woomie. No male bloggers permitted to be present.

Evening - Visits to each of the above-mentioned females’ homes to assess the eligibility of their sisters and gauge the net worth of their respective Popsies just in case… To be chauffeured by Charizard in a black Toyota Corolla.

Night - Fatigued. Sleep over at Esquire's house after dinner. Will use XtraCool to make free night calls to each other from different rooms in the same house. Network will be bad as usual.

Dec 25th - Morn: Picked up by Inyamu for breakfast at Marcopolo then a quick trip to Venni Vicci for a spa treatment.

Noon - Visit to a Motherless Babies' Home for a Christmas Lunch accompanied by LG and FBA with a band of well-dressed but poorly-behaved park touts. LG will wear her white koi-koi shoe, play ten-ten with the kids and fight with them over sweets. All the kids' presents to be donated by Fashola and NURTW.

Evening - Presentation of Xmas gifts to me by Seye ( a new job in ICT, free browsing / web-hosting services for 5 years and a brand-new Acer Aspire laptop), XsN ( a Vic Secret bra as a keepsake / good luck charm and a promise of "better things to come"), Laspapi (a bike ride down the full length of 3rd Mainland Bridge with helmet & full Robocop protection gear), Standtall (a pair of kittens - which I'll apologetically decline - and an invitation to march at the 2009 World Women Rights Parade) and Afronuts (an Apple iPhone, digital camera and iPod).

Other gifts will include those from Woomie (Eko Dialogue and a month's supply of tickets to Terra Kulture - which I’ll convert to cash), Buttercup (an engagement ring plus a passport/visa to do a Masters in S.A.), Charizard (brand new wardrobe & a year’s supply of Bvlgari - no suits, ties or cufflinks, please), Badderchic (a cryptic invitation to “spend time”), FBA (3 bottles of paraga with roots, 4 fat joints & a half-smoked pack of B & H), Esquire (all the correct Naija CDs of 2008, a few wack ones & a 2GB microSD memory card) and last but not least LG (2 big bags of kuli kuli, a calabash of fura de nunu & an expired hamper). If I forgot you, kindly suggest and bring your own gifts.

Dec 26th - Morning movie @ Silverbird, evening movie @ Ozone. Chauffeured by Charizard and sponsored by Rayo. Chaperoned by Buttercup & Woomie, both wearing thongs.

Noon - Poetry recitals @ Terra Kulture sponsored by Aloofar (who will only speak in monosyllables) accompanied by Laspapi (who will beg for my autograph)

Evening - Dinner @ Rayo’s served by her 2 sisters who will fight to out-do each other. All three shall laugh at each and every one of my jokes and even some non-jokes. All 3 will burst into tears when it’s time for me to leave. Soundtrack for the evening - D’Banj’s “Suddenly”.

Dec 27th - Trip to Iya Basira’s with FBA. Peppersoup and beer of all shades & sizes to grace the table. FBA will instigate a fight while LG will add all the “aproko” and “pepper”. All 3 of us will seize a chance in the chaos to flee without paying. Panting seriously afterwards, FBA will offer me Sikirat to “relass” (relax)...

Dec 28th - Orange Awards pre-event with Afronuts. Will be chauffeured around Lasgidi’s red light districts in his red Nissan during evening time snapping pixes for our respective photo-blogs. Chaperoned by his wife & Standtall so we don’t “go too far”.

Dec 29th - Will use Badderchic’s “Invitation to spend time” Xmas present to spend a whole day and a whole night with her. What we’ll “discuss” will be none of your business…

Dec 30th - A day of complete and total rest. Sleep in preparation for Watchnight tomorrow. Person body no be firewood abeg!

Dec 31st - Watchnight Service @ any Bible-believing church nearby. Praise & Worship to be led by LG & special guest invitees, Rita and 30+. Seye on the instruments. After midnight will sneak into a Moslem Service with Esquire just in case the rapture occurs at either place first.

Jan 1st - New Year Dinner @ Standtalls’ for all Bloggers. Will watch her cats suspiciously for any hanky-panky.

Jan 2nd - Another rest day to nurse the resultant constipation. Video-conferencing with the She-Hulk, Vera Ezimora. ICT equipment to be supplied by Nysteria.

Jan 3rd - Writers Anonymous with XsN and Rayo seated on either side of me. Will pretend to be bored and “fall asleep” on XsN’s “pillows”. Rayo will giggle throughout an Erotic recital by Jaguda.

Jan 4th - Departure. Escorted to MMA by all the above-mentioned bloggers crying profusely. Will shed a tear or two too as I gratefully accept a 1st Class flight ticket from Laspapi. After they leave, will explain to the pretty counter girl that there’s no airport at Osogbo, my final destination. Will sell the ticket on the black market at a discount, take Easy Transport back and pocket the change.

Jan 5th - Back to my boring life and thankless job. Will demand for owed salary & a pay rise from the Boss who’ll promise the former and reject the latter.

Evening - Will go to the XtraSlowww café to send a collective Thank You note to all those wonderful Lagosian bloggers using the Acer Aspire.

Night - Begin drawing up another itinerary for Easter hols. Abuja bloggers, watch out! Na your turn!

PS: Oya, awon Bloggers, start looking for your names and plan accordingly.

Merry Xmas and a Happy New Year!

The END.
To God Be The Glory.

PPS: I’m about to introduce a new feature on my blog called “My Life’s Soundtracks” where I feature the lyrics of songs I’m feeling like MAD for at the moment. It’s actually meant to be a future feature on Esquire’s other blog which is still under construction so I’ll have to set the ball rolling here in the meantime.
Proposed Launch Date: January 1st, 2009.

I Wish, I Wish, I Wish…

2008-12-19T13:56:00.005+01:00

Written In A Moment Of Dignified Insanity

“…and they lived happily ever after”

Those six words encompass what I call “The Greatest Fraud of Fiction.” Those words have turned round to haunt many a heartbroken man or woman who as little boy or girl happened to have read them literally without realizing the author was very, very tipsy when he penned those lines.

The words that are most probably rank closest to them in Fiction Fraud ratings would actually be the words: “I grant you 3 wishes!”

Now, what would I wish for if I had just 3 wishes?

Well, simple. The first wish, of course, would be to have an unlimited number of wishes. Then maybe a duplex of my own (maintenance-free of course) complete with a cute wife with a killer figure that matches her intellect and a few Einstein kids running around their own Neverland-type ranch playing with their friends. Then an Apple iPhone or maybe the very best of the Nokia E-series, PlayStation 3 alongside a PSP and 365 games for each console (for me not the kids), several Apple iPods each one coloured to match my moods and my own super-ultra-high-tech Home Theatre system dutifully installed in my own home theatre. Also, the wish to give and also get the very best out of Life, love and lovemaking, 26th century laptops, fitting my entire music, photo and video collection on my phone’s 1 GB SD card, finally making it to Heaven when I die… the wish list would be endless.

So apart from becoming the CEO of Nemesis Corp and losing my virginity to either Funmi Iyanda or Stella Damasus-Aboderin (I still can’t decide which of them would be the wilder sex vixen), here’s a slightly random post about wishing I wrote during one of my moments of dignified insanity.

I Wish…

I wish I could ride a bike. No, not the 750 cc kind. I mean a bicycle. Surprised? I can’t drive either! It’s amazing that in this 21st century, there exists a full-grown adult who cannot ride. As a matter of fact, I wish I could ride anything: a boat, canoe, kayak, yacht, ATV, SUV, witch’s broom, anything. Growing up under the massive shelter of my parents who provided just too much of the sheltering for my own good denied me of this one pleasure. Like Richard Gere said in the movie Pretty Woman: “My very first car was a limousine”

Well, not exactly. We were way too poorer than that. Our first car was LA 9745 A. That was actually the license plate registration of my father’s Peugeot 504 saloon car. I don’t know how old the car was; I was born and saw that car. We kids always tried to think of a befitting nickname for it but nothing fit better than the name: LA 9745 A.

It might sound harsh to say this but my father loved that car more than all of us combined. Till it was sold off as scrap to those Mile 1 mgbuka men, the most we boys were allowed to do was wash it. Woe betide you if you did as much as turn the steering wheel (which would promptly lock unless you had the car keys to free it). Of course by the time I entered SS1, LA 9745 A had made way for the Suzuki “bread” bus my father had started riding then. Whenever I see those toy buses being used now for transport in Osun State, I smile. My father must have been the very first Nigerian to drive the bread bus.

SS1/2 was my time of rebellion. All my contemporaries were sprouting beards and test-driving (and crashing) their fathers’ vehicles and I wouldn’t be left out. Once when my father, The Senior traveled, I took the ignition to KD (the first two letters of the bread bus’ plates) and started her up just like I’d been warming her engine for some years now. Frowning hard to recall what The Senior did when he took out the vehicle, I engaged the gear. I didn’t crash.

After several tries the best I could do was to reverse KD in a straight line and then take her back to the former packed position. Very soon I tired of the exercise and jumped down from the vehicle, ignoring the neighbours’ looks as I went indoors. I knew they’d report me to The Senior when he returned. They didn’t disappoint me, those ass-kissers.

The Senior’s reaction was puzzling though. He walked round the car while I washed it the next morning inspecting every bumper and taillight and when he was satisfied that there wasn’t a scratch on KD, he turned around and went back to his shaving ritual. Immediately, I began scratching my head in exactly the same spot I’d been earlier expecting a scalp-splitting blow from his belt head.

His silence should have been my passport to painting the town red behind the wheels of KD but I then overheard him say to one of his friends who asked him why his kids weren’t driving yet: “My children have refused to learn with this my bus. They say their friends will laugh at them when they see them.”

It was partially the truth (especially the laughing part) but the lie in the statement stung me. We were practically dying to learn, if for nothing to at least crash that car. He just wouldn’t release the keys. In those days, part of my rebellious tactics involved proving my father’s lies to be true. We all refused to learn with the bus. Or any vehicle of his for that matter.

So many years later, I wish I could ride. Maybe a bicycle first, then a motorbike, then a car, then a plane? I don’t know.

I wish I were rich. We were poor. Broke ass poor. We did eat three times a day but sometimes it was equivalent to one meal split three ways. I don’t know why we were because it wasn’t like there wasn’t any money available. It just wasn’t readily at hand.

I know my parents weren’t rich but that didn’t mean we had to wear the same clothes year in year out while The Senior changed his wardrobe countless times, did it? Ironing those clothes was once my job for a very long time. As I felt those rich fabrics I wondered why mom didn’t stand up to challenge him when we had to go out as a family and only he had something appropriate to wear. And even after a while the family never went out together anyway. We just couldn’t. Even if we wanted to, our 3 year-old clothes got tired of us wearing them and decided to go on strike springing leaks in every seam. The Senior just had to have his though. After all a good-looking head of the house makes up for the other rag-wearing parts of the body, doesn’t he?

I wish I could leave the Ghosts of Fashions Past far behind but even when I have the money to buy clothes, I never do. My shoes get worn out yet I am paralyzed by the fear that my money will soon run out and I’ll be broke ass poor again. Or that I may end up like The Senior with his countless rows of shoes which I had to polish in the mornings before I dragged my cut sandals along the tarmac as I walked to school. I wish I could go out and spend, spend, spend, knowing that tomorrow when I wake up there’ll still be more to spend. Not just for me but for my future kids.

I wish I could be more human. It still puzzles my mom till now. “All of us went through the same family-in-trouble times,” she says to me, “why then does it seem to have affected you more?” I retort and tell her I inherited my over-sensitivity from her. Only both of us seem to feel wounds so deeply to our hearts than all the others. Every single minuscule hurt makes our heart bleed and we then seal up the gaping holes in our slow-healing hearts with stone. Mom turned to prayer a long time ago and it worked wonders for her. Me, I just turned into a hard-nosed cynic stuck full of principles and unbreakable rules. A stout disbeliever in the human nature. Just one big mistake and I delete your name from my phonebook forever. And I NEVER look back.

I wish I could laugh again. Once upon a time, my problem was that people didn’t take me too seriously because every sentence I made was constructed in such a way as to make people laugh. I had my different styles of laughter than could at least trigger a smile from a broken or grieving heart. If only those people could see me now. My inner motto used to be “Joy to the world”. Nowadays I wish my motto could be “Joy to my inner world”. The kind of humour I create nowadays is usually the sarcastic kind. What happened to those days laced with peals of laughter when I would roll on the floor in stitches? What happened to when I could so easily smile in a picture? What happened to the days of taking pictures?

I wish I could love again. Once was an incurable romantic. Now an incurable realist. I know there is no such thing as love but still I miss the unconditional nature of it all. The total lack of restraint when rolling on a newly-made bed sweaty from work and with your shoes still on clutching in your arms the one you love. Drinking in her perspiration, filling your nostrils with her unwashed hair and both of you kissing without brushing your teeth. The trust, the certainty, the belief that when she says we’ll see by 8 pm, she actually means 7:45 pm.

Knowing that you could take a bullet shot for someone you never knew from birth, someone tied to you not by an umbilical cord but by love and faith almost akin to the type that moves mountains. Risking that ride on a motorcycle driven by a mad okada man in the raging wind and rain just to see her, for the touch of her hands, the sound of her voice. And when you stand shivering in her doorway, the first words that come out of her mouth are: “You shouldn’t have! Look at the storm outside. What if you killed yourself?”

It sounds over-clichéd but you say it anyway: “Babe, you know I’d die for you…”

And feeling her heartbeat as she lies cuddled in your arms while the rains beat madly on the rooftops and the angry winds howl all around you. You sense God’s presence, you think you can hear His voice saying: And I looked down on both of you. And I saw it was good…

I wish I could get help. I can’t help it. I listen to other people’s problems and make them my own. Willingly I offer advice but no one seems to realize that I also need someone to talk to. My sister, like the Psychologist she is, does try to help once in a while. I jokingly tell her I would never take advice from anyone whose job description starts with “Psycho”!

Money, cars, fame and fortune, the legacy of a good name, super-intelligent kids who live on to become great parents to their own kids and take care of their wellbeing at every step, and most of all happiness; the kind of things The Senior never gave us.

I wish for all of these.

But most importantly, I wish to be human again. I wish for love.

Re-Introducing The Phoneparazzi

2008-12-16T05:48:00.000+01:00

Foreword: Shortly after creating a photo-blog called “The Phoneparazzi”, I happened to later lose interest and even contemplated deleting it. Imagine my surprise when upon going through my first post again, I discovered certain people had previously left comments on it for me! So here I find myself heralding its launch and re-posting what was originally meant to be the foreword to that blog…

Blog - Real Life - The Gist

Saturday 22nd March, 2008: I was the cyber-fresh author of this blog. I had a vision and I was beginning to see MN as a long-time legacy I’d be pursuing to re-educate the Nigerian media on what I feel is wrong with the system. There was plenty to be done and I had lots of time to spare.

Then around 5pm on that fateful Saturday evening, my state of urgency changed. Cruising down the Benin-Asaba expressway with my elder bro at the wheel, relishing the fact that we had conquered the madness that was long-distance travel and anticipating the welcome we’d receive upon arrival, we lost our attention for just a few seconds. 20 minutes was all that was left of the time between us and home.

By the time 20 minutes were over we were still tied up with our seat belts to a car that had veered off the road, flipped once turning 360 degrees through the air and traveled an immeasurable distance without control to land upright in a ditch.

The loud grinding noises, the blackness, the sudden upside down / downside up feeling, the shattering glass, “missiles” flying through the air, the feeling of being carried along in a vehicle knowing there was absolutely nothing we could do… these are remembrances I’ll take with me to the grave. But that was not to be the day.

To the utter amazement of everyone we calmly opened the car doors and walked out. We survived the ghastly car crash with just scratches and a few bruises but the car? I didn’t know a car could go to pieces so quickly. I used to slightly detest that VW Passat car at first when my brother bought it but somehow I know GOD - and that car - saved us. And yes, seat belts sure do work too.

Oddly enough, if the accident didn’t kill us, the sympathizers would just as well have finished the job. The average Nigerian sadly, knows nothing of Rescue 101. Only the shouts of people forcing me to sit down on the road as someone upended a bottle of water on my head was enough to give me the high blood pressure I didn’t have in the first place.

I am very much aware that in every disaster scene there exists the other kind of “sympathizer”, the one who with no conscience whatsoever, steals your scattered belongings. Instead of doing the normal thing, jumping up and down and shouting “PRAI - PRAI - PRAI - PRAISE DA LORD!!!” my attention was caught by the other group of people who were helping us gather our widely dispersed luggage. I can’t start imagining how I must have looked covered in dust and a bit of blood, scrambling about looking for the portable DVD player that made up the centerpiece of my bro’s customized out-of-this-world automobile entertainment system before a sympathizer would “recover” it for me.

When the inventory was eventually taken the only casualties of that accident were the car and my Samsung SGH-C230 phone. Now, I really loved that phone but maybe someone on that crash scene loved it more than me. I don’t know. Before using (and losing) that phone I had previously used a Sony Ericsson T100, a Sagem My-X7 that mysteriously died after just 2 days and a Nokia 1110.

None of the phones I’ve ever used in my life have been classy phones but my C230 was my world. Due to its SMS - copying capabilities, I had archived cherished text messages from my very first phone line, crazy-sexy-cool MMSes, some treasured ringtones and anything else that could fit into its limited memory space. Best of all, I loved it’s radio and I didn’t mind its lack of a camera one bit.

After the jubilation of survival, the loss of that phone hit me pretty hard. The Good Lord, however apart from saving my neck from the Casualty Ward decided He wasn’t done with me yet. Since that fateful day in March, I have been offered a Motorola C975, a Sagem My 501C, a Nokia 6020 and a Samsung SGH-E250 by friends and siblings. All free! I have given away my original N1110 and the Moto and Sagem have issues so now I’m sticking to my 6020 and SGH-E250. They’re still not classy phones but both of them do come equipped with cameras and connectivity. (Of course, I’m still wishing for my dream Nokia E- / N-series, SE Walkman, Apple iPhone or Blackberry and Christmas is around the corner so please, don’t say I didn’t ask!)

I’ve always loved photography but those two camera phones unleash the paparazzi in me. A camera phone is a wonderful thing; it can go where even a camera can’t go. And I can’t help but to blog about these places. But I won’t say much about it here when there’s a brand new place somewhere else to do so.

Here’s re-introducing my formerly-new, temporarily-rested blog: The Phoneparazzi, where I’m hoping to present to you my mostly unconventional views on Life as seen through the eyes of not just my camera phones but other cameras as well.

I hope you like it!

Hen-llo Part 2 & Some Random Ish

2008-12-14T04:16:00.004+01:00

***Long personal post alert*** (Heck! ALL my posts are long anyway…)

For some time I’ve been blogging about serious issues so I’ve decided to let my hair down and give you guys some Random Ish I’ve been wanting to gist about for a while now. If you happen not to like the gist, well, take solace in the fact that I’m officially insane anyways…

Good bye November
November, I admit was a very rough month. Within the course of those past 30 days I believed in myself, lost faith and re-believed in myself countless times. I can’t recall anymore if I should be called the Prodigal Son or Forgiving Father or both at once.
In November too I have sacked and re-employed myself numerous times to recall. Several copies of my continuously-rewritten and hurriedly-re-edited resignation letter (with the dates altered) say as much. I fear that by the time I hand in the REAL resignation letter, the boss might actually take a good look at it, let out one of those his deep-throated laughs and order me to Ile-Ife to monitor our equipment there. To add insult to injury he will then proceed to fold it into a paper plane and toss it out of the window where it will hit me on the head as I rush to do his bidding swearing once again that I’ll resign next month.
Boy, was I glad when November came to an inglorious exit! December is already shaping up to be a great month and some of the reasons I said so include some of the gist below.

BlogSpeak Part 2
Remember I swore before that I wouldn’t be calling up any bloggers after Chari’s dissing, abi? Well the threat seems to have worked: now they’re the ones calling me! First, Woomie’s been calling me most weekends beginning from the last in November, me and Esquire have been taking full advantage of Xtra Cool’s free calls and by the time December 1st rolled by, guess who called me up than the lovely Rayo herself! Saying I’m still flabberwhelmed and overgasted is like re-polishing that well worn cliché.
I especially like talking with Rayo cause her brilliance comes through in her gist (what else did you think I was going to say, dirty-minded people!) and just like Esquire the convo flows as unobstructed as the Osun-Gbodofon River. Best of all I only do manage to get tongue-tied once in a long while unlike when I talk with ... (fill in the gap).
Interestingly she was the one who actually scouted for my number and not vice versa which made me feel really, really special, I tell ya! Some people say Lagos gals are too forward and stuff but if such forwardness means I get calls from chicks like her, then who the hell am I to complain? Take my number jo!!!

As A Result Of Which…
…I’m seriously nursing plans to hit Lasgidi this Xmas! Visiting the Centre of Excellence is nothing new but this will be the first time I’ll be spending my hols in the city almost all my Ibo brothers are planning to flee from.
Of course I’ve already got my itinerary drawn up and I’m fully booked till next Christmas but I’m very willing to squeeze out space to meet any blogger who’s willing to take me to any one of the following places / events: Writers’ Anonymous, Terra Kulture, Silverbird Cinema / Ozone, any Iya Basira or similar-themed Shayo joint (where I must witness at least one broken-bottle fight after which we’ll then flee without paying), the Bra Beach (yeah, you read that right) or any Beach for that matter, any upbeat night club (where I’ll sit down all night because I can’t dance and I must get my very first taste of Moet, Hennessy or Chardonnay), a really deep and moving Religious experience (preferably Catholic), British Council’s WAPI, a strip club (I’ll “mistakenly” forget my glasses beforehand) and last but not least, your house (where your mum must be nice, your dad must be absent and only your beautiful single sisters must be introduced to me). And all outings must be all-expense paid by the host/hostess of course!
There! I’m done… Let me start packing my two shirts, two trousers and one shoe.

Airtime Plus
Just when some people were saying I lambaste the NTA too much, I happened to run into my kindred sister last week doing almost the same kind of job I do here but on a newspaper.
Saw Onoshe Nwabuike’s Airtime Plus byline in The Punch Newspapers in a piece tagged “From Mumbai To Jos” where she painted the laughable scenario of CNN trying to get film footage and news reportage of the Jos Mayhem from Nigeria’s local TV stations.
Loved the whole read but I’ll admit the opening statements instantly got my attention. Onoshe, while trying to describe NTA’s perceived “neutrality” on national issues at stake wrote, and I quote:

“NTA whose corporate logo should be the ostrich, would carry on as if nothing was the matter…”

Wow! And to think you people say I’m harsh, ehn? I’m still ROTF picturing how the new design of NTA’s corporate logo would look like with that ostrich positioned somewhere in the middle.

M. I. A. Bloggers?
Does anyone remember Venom… er sorry, my mistake… Serum? I tire jo. After the long chit-chat we just started I was very surprised that homegal seems to have gone AWOL! Been swinging by her blog every time I go online and the “gossip” on it is going so stale that shame don begin to the catch me because of my huge blog presence there. If anyone knows her, abeg tell her that Blogger.com has offered to refund all her browsing money so that they can sell her URL to another person quick quick. (And Esquire, since you were her biggest fan, kindly deliver the message).
Then there’s good old Jo Isreal who came up with her original idea of us rating Naija songs via her “Rate It with Jo” blog. Novel concept, slow response and now Jo seems to have packed her bags. Why do all these great ideas (like The Nollywood Critique) die so suddenly?
What is it sef? At least Carlang warned us in his 42nd post before going AWOL and the dude was so smart to cover his backside in case he never blogs again (he's back again!) unlike another new blogger called RUKKY. Girlfriend wrote what I’ll describe as the best first post I’ve read ever ( 45 other commentators currently agree with me) only for her to disappear soon after I started picking interest. I’ve even gone as far as to include her in my personal ashawo list (a.k.a. the blog crush). Ahn ahn RUKKY, na so our love wan start?
So Serum. Jo, and RUKKY, you pipu better return before Christmas or I’ll start leaving nasty remarks in your comments oh! AlooFar sef don teach me one better method to make people return from their “by force” leave.
Oya, First Warning…

I’ve got a Blog crush!
Ok, I lie. It’s blog crushessssssssss actually. What do guys blog? Simple: We know Blogville is that one wonderful place where you get to meet all these fine-fine ladies with razor-sharp intellect. Think we’re fools? Nah! So kindly permit me to indulge in my fantasies abeg. But seriously, how come so many Naija female bloggers are so fine? Is Ty Bello doing all your profile shots or are you gals stealing people’s pictures off Facebook? These damsels are really getting my temperature rising through absolutely no fault of theirs and I’m lusting big time! (I really need deliverance).
Anyway unlike so many people, I do crush and tell so I’m very much tempted to spill the beans on my detailed Ashawo list soon. But first of all, with my tongue fully sticking out, let me introduce you people to the babe who’s currently occupying the Number 5 spot…

Ladyguide, How Far?
Nobody - least of all, her - knows of this but I’m leaking the secret now. There’s one very special blogger called LG and I dey trip for the chick any time I visit her blog but my dilemma is this: For starters I’m beginning to wonder if this love (abi na lust) isn’t misplaced since I never see her face even by “mistake”. Second her profile picture is a white elephant which makes me wonder if this our “project” won’t turn out like the proverbial white elephant typical of Rural Road and Water Schemes dotted all over the place. Thirdly, and to make matters worse she calls me “egbon” meaning she’s supposed to be my younger sister, abi? LG, abeg why call me egbon instead of something more “chewing-gummy” like sweetheart, sugardrops, honeypie or cupcakes? The “incest” undertones to the whole thing don dey bother me oh…
Anyway, abura, I don “kola” you now abi? Expect the zobo later!

Something’s Cooking
My pipu, as darling LG (I’m still tripping) would say, something dey fire wey I don dey cook small-small and I’m about to open the cover and let you guys get a sniff. What am I talk about? I’m talking of my own style of Blog Awards for the movers and shakers of blogville this year which I have conservatively tagged “The MN Recommends Awards 2008."
There’s definitely not going to be an award ceremony of any sort and I’m not going to be giving out any plaques (where the money?) but I’ve been working very hard to compile a list of blogs / bloggers mainly of Naija origin who have made my 2008 very special and whose blogs I’d recommend anytime, any day. (Why of Naija origin? Because Naija bloggers are the BEST! The only foreign bloggers who are good have some inherited Naija blood from us inside them)
Of course it’s not a novel concept but I’m trying to make the MNR awards much different from lots of blog awards floating out there which you’ll agree are more or less like chain letters with each nominated “recipient” nominating in turn 5, 6 or 7 of his or her friends to spread on the award.
It’s been really hard work writing up the piece which I’m doing single-handedly by the way, and I’m still trying to design an appropriate logo for the “Awards” (Afronuts, Archiwiz, Black 007, Femi B, HELP!!!) but I’ll try to make it my very last post of 2008 so please stay tuned for the buffet. Of course I’m not taking it too seriously so in the meantime, feel free to drop comments about the craziest categories you can come up with and the bloggers who you think deserve to win in them though I cannot guarantee that they’ll make the final cut since time is very scarce nowadays.
And just in case I don’t make the schedule for the Awards post myself, I’ll just re-edit this post, delete this section and deny I ever said such a thing…

In the interim, despite the disarray of my ramblings I have actually enjoyed writing this unlike some of my heavy posts of late. Let’s do this some other time ok?

Peace!
XOXO (Lady Koko, what does this mean by the way?)

PS: If you succeeded in reading up to here in one sitting you truly deserve a kiss. Here it is: MWWAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! (Ladies only)

F**k Mr. Feedjit!

2008-12-07T21:47:00.004+01:00

Online - Diatribe

It is indeed rare for me to engage in this kind of diatribe but I just have to say it again:

F**k Mr. Feedjit!

For sometime now I’ve been secretly experimenting with a few minor makeovers to give this blog a new facelift but most of these free stuff just ain’t working. And it’s so exasperating ‘cause I’m paying N120 an hour at the Super-Slowwwww cyber café for the frustration when I can get aggravation free of charge just by stepping outside. Moreover it’ so, so annoying especially for someone like me who prides himself in being a PC nerd when technology starts to make a monkey out of you.

Well for those of you who think I’m speaking in tongues, Feedjit is an e-traffic / tracking tool for your blog or website that tells you and humanity in general the geographical (real world) locations of people who drop by to visit your virtual world. I cannot boast to know the full technicalities of the stuff but I think Feedjit uses your PC’s IP (that’s Internet Protocol) address to do this. Its intrusive, Big Brother / Conspiracy Theory dual function is another matter altogether.

If you’ve been doing your blog rounds religiously, then you are bound to have seen and been smoked out by Mr. Feedjit who then conceitedly proclaims for all to see: “Mushin, Lagos arrived from google.com on medianemesis.blogspot.com” or stuff like that, Mushin being your current location. He takes prominent stand on several blogs like Inyamu’s Eldorado, Funmi I’s and so many others out there.

Mr. Feedjit admittedly does bring his own really cool factor to any blog he makes an appearance in but before you Bloggers out there who employ his services start feeling XtraCool (no endorsements intended) just because Mr. Feedjit says “Gravesend, Kent” has discovered your blog (finally, your first overseas blog hit!), just hold your horses! Mr. Feedjit can also be a BIG liar!

As the picture on the left says, Mr. Feedjit seems to think I’m in Abuja FCT, the capital city of Nigeria whereas I’m actually milessssss away down here in the Southwest (click on the picture to see a bigger view). So just in case you see Bangladesh, Turks and Caicos, Hawaii, Barbados, Sudan or Afghanistan on your blog’s Feedjit feed, please kill your rejoicing. The visitor might just be in good old “Egbedore, Osogbo”, “Fola-Agoro, Lagos”, “Abakaliki, Ebonyi” or “Emuoha, Rivers”.

But why all this ranting? Well, I’ve spent a whole lot of my cyber time and loads of money just begging Mr. Feedjit to grace (or disgrace) my blog with his presence to no avail. I mean, admit it: who doesn’t want to see “Iceland, Iceland arrived from fiyanda.blogspot.com on medianemesis.blogspot.com” on their Feedjit feed? (That statement alone gives you double bragging rights - one, the fact that someone all the way from Iceland thinks your blog is so cool enough to visit and two, actually went to the trouble of clicking your link on Funmi I’s blog!)

But Mr. Feedjit has chosen to ignore me and anytime I go through the entire process of trying to put him on my blog I see the same thing: NOTHING!

Click, click: Nothing!

Cut and Paste HTML: Nothing!

Log-in: Nothing!

Refresh: Nothing!

Log out: Nothing…

So Mr. Feedjit, f**K you!

I’m still going to keep on trying to put you on my blog. Whether you like it or not…

That We May Not Forget…

2008-12-03T18:28:00.006+01:00

News - Public Opinion

(Dedicated to Esquire - who doesn’t know who Uzoma Okere is)

By this time a month ago, a young lady was physically assaulted on the streets of Lagos and had part of her clothing taken off by several Naval ratings who made up the convoy of a certain Rear Admiral. We all know the story, right? The panel set up to investigate the circumstances surrounding the assault on Uzoma Okere by Rear Admiral Harry Arogundade’s escort has submitted its findings to the Chief of Naval staff. Job well done.

Why then do I get the feeling that the usual trumpet calls, elephant parade and acrobatic performances by clowns that herald the arrival of a circus are trailing somewhere at a distance not too far behind that report? The fun fair it seems may actually be coming into town…

Now, first of all, I never usually do this. I never champion any cause especially in Nigeria because I know that based on the idiosyncrasies of the “Nigerian factor”, most causes are bound to fail.

Many causes in Nigeria turn out useless. The sequence is usually very predictable. Something “wrong” happens, someone cries out, a national uproar then ignites our primitive instincts for mob action, the Federal Government once in a while succumbs to our wishes, a panel is set up and weeks later a recommendation is submitted, it gets lost or the panel never finishes sitting.

The end result is the same: Nothing ever gets done.

Sometime later, the very same “wrong” occurs again and we pick up the monkey circus a few steps behind where we left it off last time.

The same thing I fear may be the case in the Uzoma Okere saga. Since the storm broke, I had decided not to get involved in this even till weeks later when I found out that the said lady was the daughter of the Sergeant-At-Arms of the National Assembly. (Don’t gawp at me. I live under a rock.) I heard of the gist first via Inyamu’s blog, proving once again that blogville has its uses.

That singular fact of her parentage seemed to answer a few questions that had run through my mind in the earlier weeks.

For one, I had always wondered what gave her the “liver” not to put her car on top of her head, hitch up her skirt and clear out of the road when the sirens were passing. (I do not seek to trivialize the issue at stake here, please. Most of us would have hoisted our cars if it was us).

I have watched the notorious video countless times (it makes me sick to the stomach each time) and correct me if I am wrong but I seemed to sense a bit of resistance in her demeanour when those Naval animals were manhandling her. I asked myself then: could it be that Uzoma was a lady who hates outrightly all forms of victimization or could it be that Daddy’s name was being put to the test there? I decided not to judge Uzoma. I wasn’t at the scene and so I can never tell truthfully what she said or did. What I do know is that NOTHING warrants the stripping of another human being in public.

Countless Nigerians have been harassed daily by the military but very few of them make the news. I have once seen an innocent bystander beaten to a pulp just for the simple crime of looking at a soldier in a “funny” way. I have seen a guy who was making calls at a phone stand stripped in public for no apparent reason. The para-military group involved later issued a statement that they had suspected him of being a “cult member” and wanted to find out if he had the markings on his body. The two victims in question had no fathers in the National Assembly or nearby bystanders with handycams to film the event.

I fear that despite the power of Daddy’s name or the media outcry, Uzoma’s case may just as well be swept under the rug of “distraction with other important national issues”. The nation is too concerned with the killer “My Pickin” mixture, the crisis in Jos and the reading of the national budget to care anymore. The attempts to thwart the course of justice through changes in the venue for sittings and the failure of certain witnesses and counsel to appear might just have been the opening acts in what may turn out to be a circus after all.

Rear Admiral Arogundade, the Flag Officer Commanding, Naval Logistics Command, Oghara and his six Naval ratings (whose names seem to have been conveniently withheld since) were supposedly requested to appear before a panel chaired by Rear Admiral Umosen who also happens to be an FOC. Was I the only one who saw something odd in this?

Over the past few weeks, my views of Uzoma and Harry Arogundade have changed drastically. It is now a case of one versus the other. The People’s Court is in full session and our cries of “Crucify him!” might even drown out the reading of the verdict itself or its implementation.

As someone pointed out to me recently, Uzoma is a very lucky person. Had she been anyone else, male or female, she would have been calmly beaten and possibly shot dead with her body later displayed in full public view on Newsline as being that of a robbery suspect. Maybe the next time we pick up stones or bottles or tyres to lynch that accused witch, kidnapper or robbery suspect on the streets of Lagos, Kaduna or Aba, we just might consider the fact that the “suspect” might actually be as blameless as Uzoma.

Despite running the risk of wrongly predicting the outcome of the panel’s report, I suspect Arogundade might end up getting a ridiculous punishment which he will never serve out anyway while his pack of dogs may suffer the full brunt of “the law” for literally enforcing Oga’s "figurative orders" just to appease we the mob. Will Rear Admiral Arogundade be made to resign? I still very much doubt it. Uzoma’s harassment may have very well been blamed on the notorious Unknown Soldier if not for the hard evidence. It now left solely for that panel to prove me wrong.

When all this hue and cry dies down, we will just as easily forget those certain individuals whose efforts in championing Uzoma’s cause while truly deserving of commendation have gone unrecognized. No-one will applaud the efforts of the cameraman who (with apparently shaky bravery) recorded the crucial video that captured a decisive moment in time and carved an everlasting cinematic niche in journalistic Nigeria. Who remembers Closecalls, the chap who put it up on CNN’s iReport? We are too busy joining the Petition group and sending Friend Requests to Uzoma on Facebook to care despite the fact that we would have shunned her Profile page before November 3.

The endeavors by bloggers like Inyamu and Funmi whose posts on the matter further exposed the can of worms that is public harassment and the taking of extra-judicial powers into their hands by the military will go unsung. Nobody seems to recollect anymore the pains suffered by a few people who dared to intervene.

But there is one moment in this saga which I will never forget. In the video posted on iReport, a certain young lady in a white blouse who appears somewhere in the middle of the camera footage openly questions the actions of those Naval rat(ing)s through her gesticulations and then tries to put Uzoma’s clothing back on even despite her weak struggles. She will go unnamed and subsequently become history.

Seeing those two young women caught up in the midst of it all gave me a hope in the New Nigeria. One that is not just content with the onlooker status but actually lends a hand to oppose that which is wrong. When I saw that soldier beat the bystander, I turned my face and walked away so that I wouldn’t be accused of the crime of “lookery”. And paraphrasing the words of Wole Soyinka, “The man dies in him who keeps silent in the face of tyranny…”

May we all someday be like that brave young woman.

Amen.

C. O. T. C. Part 4: DISARMED!

2008-11-25T20:53:00.002+01:00

Picture this: You are the President of America. Suddenly out of nowhere, one jaga-jaga country like that (name withheld) which doesn’t even share a common boundary with yours suddenly lays claim to your land, stations ships in your waterways and infiltrates your airspace with dilapidated Biafran-type aircraft.

Quickly, like George W. Bush, you jam the airwaves with electronic noise, threaten a nuclear strike, roll out the Abrams, F-22s to F-1,000,000s, and even the SCUD missiles left over from Desert Storm and with your Marines leading and the UN following, you land on the battlefield to reclaim what’s duly yours. Your enemies however turn out to be a straggly group comprising mostly of WW I veterans, survivors of the Titanic and inmates of Bedlam all dressed up in purple lycra blouses and orange tights and being led by a dreadlocked General who goes by the name of Basketmouth.

After ROTFALYAO (ROTF and laughing your ass off), you tell this Comic Coalition to surrender but instead they advance even more with some of them even daring to caress your soldiers’ AK-47s with their garlicky breath. After several attempts at a stand-down which they steadily rebuff, your soldiers imploringly turn their eyes to you all waiting for your command to open fire and quickly end this nonsense.

With the ideas of September 11 now firmly rooted in your mind, you then decide to eradicate this potential Al Queda once and for all and finger poised on the detonator switch you close your eyes and count backward slowly from 10. Just as you reach 1, you open your eyes to see all your enemies turn round at Basketmouth’s command, jerk down their trousers and let rip with a very loud fart before abandoning their clothing to run off naked, therefore bringing the war to an inglorious end.

What would you do? Send your soldiers after them to wipe them out for fouling the air, depleting the ozone layer and wasting your time? Or do you just laugh it off, pack your armory back from the battlefield by sending it halfway around the world in the wrong direction and pay an unscheduled courtesy call to Yardie to teach him how to handle the Niger-Delta boys while looking for contracts so that Nigeria’s crude oil gets refined in you country?

Ok, I’m not so good at all this imagery business but it seems I might very soon abandon the act of blogging just to reply comments in detail instead. After reading Serum’s recent rejoinder to my rejoinder to her comments, I can’t help but feel like the G. W. Bush of the above scenario (whether Serum can be likened to General Basketmouth is left to your discretion).

First of all, I just got to find out that Mr. Anonymous Commentator is actually Ms. Anonymous Commentator who actually happens to be Ms. Serum (if her claim is to be believed). Seriously speaking, I leaned closer to disbelief at first when I saw this. For all I know, she could just be a new blogger on the block seeking to use such controversy as a subtle launch pad for her blog. She could be banking on the side-effects of negative publicity equivalent to the same way humans will most likely urinate on a “Do Not Urinate” sign.

I even once suspected Serum of being the alter ego of my best friend and blog-critic but fake or real, Serum is no fool. She first seeks to boost my ego by praising my blog (deservedly, I might add. How come no-one has ever put me on their bloglists, nominated me for an award or tagged me? You people sef!) She then gives her own ego a quick shine too before going into yet another defense of KH’s music.

In all honesty (my favourite expression) I am very tired of flogging the KH issue. All this talk with him being in the centre seems to be giving him some sort of popularity as Rayo rightly pointed out, which I never give to any subject I discuss or diss on the blog. Moreover, I happened to hear yet another of his singles recently where he very openly encourages people to make sure they get the Control Numbers from their magas. If KH doesn’t seem to condone 419 as Serum puts it, that song alone fully convinced me that I was very right in my earlier speculations.

Like Serum says (and TRAE implied earlier), music is entertainment and thus shouldn’t always be taken seriously. I agree to an extent. What I disagree about is the “not taken seriously” part. Movies might portray wife-battering, incest, homosexuality, racism, sedition, jazzing (Nollywood-style) or any out of a million perceived vices but the difference lies in the fact that music travels faster, hits harder, influences more and has far-reaching consequences than any movie can ever have.

We hear of nations going to war with battle-songs on their lips. I am yet to hear of the military teaching their combatants scenes from movies or of any nation for that matter going to war because of a movie. Even The Passion of Christ, The Da Vinci Code, Borat and 300 combined couldn’t achieve that feat. When we hear songs, we believe they mirror the true feelings of the songwriter at that particular moment. When we watch movies, even war and horror movies, there’s always a sense of disbelief that shrouds us. We know the actor never really died anyway.

Rowan Atkinson once spoofed the Queen of England when he head-butted her in one of his Mr. Bean sketches. Even the Queen must have laughed when she saw that. I doubt if she would have had much cause for mirth if any popular UK band had sang “F**k The Queen”.

Frankly, I am tired. I don’t know how better to explain the movie-music disparity in contrast to the opinions voiced by Serum and any other person in her league but I do know this:

Michael Jackson will always be popular even if he never speaks a word till he dies. My niece knows who Michael Jackson is.

She doesn’t know who Marlon Brando is.

I am yet to watch the Titanic for starting to end in one sitting.

I have listened to Yahoozee! from starting to end more than a million times.

Serum is not stupid. Maybe she’s just a little bit misled.

I finally rest my case.

PS: Even if this whole debate is useless, at least I achieved the following: 1) I posted regularly for a while. (2) I made Serum use better English. (3) I’ve found my match (in a friendly way, of course) and (4) I sincerely do like her sense of humour towards the end of her Rejoinder.

So, um… Serum, em…em... can we be friends?

PPS: No ass kissing still intended but I actually like the name Serum. It would be the kind of cool name I’d give to a character if I were writing the next part of the movie “Blade” or “The Matrix”. And Serum seems to complement my own code name: Nemesis.

Bits And Pieces 7: Music Videos vs. music videos, Football And Christmas…

2008-11-23T03:13:00.001+01:00

So I decided to do another B & P so soon after the last one? Sue me!

Stepping to Sexy Music
You can hardly switch on the TV nowadays without catching Jordin Sparks’ “One Step At A Time” video. That’s one hell of a great song and the video sets it off beautifully. It just goes to show that you don’t need a country’s budget, countless locations or a massive crowd of extras to shoot a good video. Nigerian video directors need to dump the helicopter and Moet and start looking on incorporating street scenes in their works (not the dirty Lagos street scenes please. Or the ones where they show girls dancing on top of danfo buses…)

Also of note is Ne-Yo’s “Independent Woman” video which features Gabrielle Union as his boss (now, which man wouldn’t want to work under Gabrielle U?) and goes to prove what we’ve always known anyway: Ne-Yo is a great musician and songwriter, looks nice in suits and is a bit lacking in the height department. Gabrielle also still has her sexy witch looks which keep heads turning.

And speaking of sexy women, Nick Cannon must be the luckiest man (or boy) alive now. I mean how many of us get to marry the girl (sorry, woman) of our dreams? Caught Mrs. Cannon flaunting her heart-stopping curves on a recent music video that features T.I. and I was so intent making plans on how to assassinate Nick that I missed the title of the track.

Finally, spotted Madonna in a video from her “Confessions On The Dance Floor” album exercise-dancing seductively alongside some other male dancers in the background young enough (or is it old enough) to be her sons. At certain points in the video, now it’s rather hard to find the words to describe this but she figuratively has sex with music! Let your imagination fill in the rest…

Boy, does it feel good to be as old as she is and still make little boys lick their lips…

Music Videos vs. music videos
Still on the issue of music videos, I watched a lot of them on EATV, Channel 5 lately thanks to a recent trip to Bida, Niger State and a rogue cable subscription in the house I stayed in there.

Most of the EATV gist is in a language I don’t understand but they do show some cool foreign videos though the percentage is very low compared to those of East African origin. Of course, the mix wouldn’t be complete without showing Nigerian music videos and Sasha / Storm Records, the Mo’ Hits crew and P Square mostly rep Naija on the EA musical landscape. And boy! the Naija videos have got WAAAAY more class than the East African videos which still look like they are been shot with handy cams.

Out of several things I’ve noticed though, the East Africans have far less reservations when it comes to showing skin on TV unlike their West African counterparts and they do look cool like that. But without wanting to sound unduly patriotic when it comes to eye candy we all know the Naija babes still rule the competition though they seem to be taking a second spot compared to the South African chicks of mixed parentage.

To tell the truth, most of the East African entertainment programmes do look pretty wack (I can’t hear what they’re saying anyway) plus Zain Networks and another unknown telecom company called Tigo seem to sponsor everything in East Africa from talk shows to street shows to even the news. I’ll give it to the East Africans though; they do seem so proud of their languages and incorporate it as much as possible into their music.

If there’s one thing both types of videos have in common, it’s this: The massive copycatting of the foreign rap stars’ bling-bling Hip-Hop culture.

And the absence of men wearing briefs and dancing seductively…

Female Football & A Flight Of Fancy
Yardie can be a fine boy sometimes. Of course the 20 sacked Ministers, the staff of Channels TV and Jonathan Elendu are not going to agree with me but I almost kissed his forehead when he rescinded the earlier decision that would have stopped the country from hosting the Under-17 World Cup in 2009. That means I may finally be able to boast of watching a World Cup match on home soil having missed the opportunity in times gone past. Yardie’s change of heart aside, you can be sure almost nothing will be done until the last moments when we’ll gladly roll out our bright red (green) fire brigade trucks.

On the female angle, one of the benefits of watching cable TV is that you’re bound to find the odd channel broadcasting the odd tournament. I previously had absolutely no idea that the female Under-17 World Cup was holding in New Zealand last month until I caught the live broadcasts on Capital TV. The Nigerian female team really won my heart in one of their past matches by hanging on to a 2 - 2 draw even after going one man down (sorry, one woman down) against the Brazilian team when the ref harshly sent off goal-scorer Ebere Orji. The Samba girls though almost made them pay dearly for the lack of a finisher with their well-played free kicks.

Things did get very tense and a head-to-head collision had Nigeria playing with just 9 girls against Brazil’s 11 at one point but one relatively amusing aspect in the match was a Nigerian player who goes by the name “MacFancy”.

The Super Falcons on the other hand were hoping to steam-roll over all their other African competition in the ongoing African Women’s Championship, qualify for the female World Cup as usual and then fail woefully as has always been their due. How sad…

No More Miss Goody-Two-Shoes
Michelle Williams, usually the cool-headed, most reserved member of the defunct Destiny’s Child has finally decided that she’s not going to let only Beyonce and Ms. Kelly steal the spotlight when it comes to bringing sexy back!

Spotted the former Miss Goody-Goody proudly parading her stuff in a thigh-length killer dress and the occasional black cat suit in a musical video “We Break The Dawn” featuring rapper Flo-Rida. Girlfriend used to be so good before, it almost looked like a “sin” watching such a blood-pumping video and as you rightly guessed, “We Break The Dawn” ain’t Gospel music.

Bad sales in the religious genre of music most probably must have made Ms. W throw away the choir gown for a cat suit and raunchy dance steps and it will be interesting to see if she continues “back-sliding” or does the split personality thing and releases albums in both religious and secular genres. Or maybe she’s finally just discovered she’s “all-woman”.

After all, it’s actually quite annoying seeing Beyonce blatantly flaunting her curves on TV especially when you know you’re just as appropriately “blessed”. And Gospel music alone can’t pay for that daily gym workout or the cat suit for that matter…

MTN Also Delivers
First of all, this is not a paid advert. Secondly, I dislike endorsing companies especially the telecoms but I just have to hand it to MTN on this one. After my recent inability to carry out a credit transfer I was surprised to get the following text from + 234 803:

“We apologize for your recent difficulties with loading airtime. We will credit your account tonight with N60 airtime as a token for the inconvenience.”

Now, compared to all the inconveniences I’ve going through lately, 60 bucks ain’t squat but the fact they were true to their word and did send the token at night impressed me with their sincerity. (Moreover 60 bucks equals to 12 extra SMSes and can make all the difference between free or no night calls)

Glo, on the other hand, would never send such a text in the first instance. They aren’t so careless as to have airtime/ recharge issues and I’m beginning to suspect Glo recharge cards will sometimes load even when there’s no network signal!

Return Of The Queen
Before she was telling us to “Jebele, Jebele”. Now she wants us back and says “Jowo, Biko”. Women always seem to have a hard time making up their minds.

What am I talking about? Qween’s latest single “Jowo, Biko” (meaning “Please, Please” or “Abeg, Abeg” in the Yoruba and Igbo / Pidgin English tongues) is out and spinning on a radio close to you. I must admit, I never gave the Qween her due respect before now (maybe her dentition was partly to blame) but after dropping these two hot singles, I can’t wait to hear what the whole album will sound like.

Heard Qween in a phone interview with Ice on Grace 95.5 FM, Bida say she’s got not just one, but two albums ready but she’s having difficulties with the marketers. She also spilled the beans on her upcoming marriage when she returns to Nigeria (no mention of who Mr. Right is though) and the fact that she’s expecting a second baby too!

Qween absolutely kills you softly on this Cobhams-produced soulful track and she’s definitely going to go places with those silky seductive tones of hers. I’ve got just one piece of advice for the Afro wig-wearing musical sovereign though: Qween, jowo, biko, settle your issues quickly with the Alaba Market boys before the pirates lift your singles off the radio and launch your “albums” before you do. Ask 9ice what he suffered at their hands before the release of his “Gongo Aso” album.

Xmas Jingles
The yuletide’s around the nearest corner and once again the marketing gates are firmly open drowning us in the advertising avalanche which compels us to buy this and buy that at “half” (= same) price. As we rush into the shopping malls, the sounds of cash registers have now replaced the sound of Christmas bells and the reason for the season has been long forgotten.

Anyway, enough of the preaching. In a quirky sort of personal tradition, I always take mental note of when and where I hear my first Xmas jingle for the year and this year it was on Livingspring 104.5 FM, Osogbo on November 1st. Maybe the fact that I’ve been on the road since then is to blame but I’m yet to hear or see another one after that which is rather unprecedented in all my Xmas years.

Sales of bangers and the Harmattan weather have been rather slow too (especially in certain parts of the Southwest) and I hear the global economic crisis is partly to blame for that one! Anyway, wear appropriate clothing when it’s cold, have a hanky ready for the dust and stock up on cardigans, jackets, tea and essential balms before their prices increase. Or even better, just get a brand new, 24-hour, hug-inclined boyfriend.

Merry Xmas in advance people!

Peace…

Commenting on the Comments 3: Serum’s Re-rejoinder

2008-11-19T21:09:00.003+01:00

Like the former Comment, I decided to dedicate a full post to this instead of neglecting it to the background.

Pardon me. In all honesty, I really don’t have anything better to do at the moment:

From Serum:

Xavier,

I have always been an avid fan of your blog. Your eloquent execution of the English language is the first thing that caught my attention. Your realistic but comical spin on situations occurring in Nigeria should qualify you for some type of an award. I never usually comment but today, something caught my attention. I was reading an unusually long post that was dedicated to a comment you received regarding Kelly Hansome. As I read I thought to myself, wow I wonder what in the world the poster could have said to result in such a respond from the postee (namely you). I read and read and I found myself feeling familiar with the subject matter. I couldn't believe it. It is almost incredible, but I found myself to be Ms. Anonymous. I have to say thanks for making my day by devoting a whole posting to me and 3 whole postings to me and my favorite singer, Kelly Hansome. I also have to say thank you to (of course) you. Your ranting & raving over my status as Anonymous has resulted in turning an avid reader into a blogger. I have found a new passion. You, dear friend, have met your match. In a friendly way of course. Now I can understand that this is YOUR blog. You are allowed to write whatever you want. I understand you HATE 419. I also understand that you appear to have above average intellectual ability. I am just confused to why you think that Kelly either participates in 419 or is glorifying it. Let us not forget that music is entertainment. Just like movies. Brad Pitt played a vampire in "Interview with a Vampire". Does that make him a vampire? Does that mean that he is screaming for Americans to go out and suck the blood out of unsuspecting humans? Does this mean that he is glorifying a satanic lifestyle. I shall let you PONDER these questions, while I continue to roam the internet before the credit I purchased to use the net run out!

PS: Rayo, I told you he / she would be back, didn’t I?

Bits And Pieces 6: Yardie, SSS, The New President-Elect and S.S.

2008-11-11T20:09:00.003+01:00

Foreword: A week ago, History was made. Still TV-less, a week later, I blog about it...

It Ain’t Safe No More
Apart from being the title of one of Busta Rhymes’ albums, this should also be the alert status of every single Blogger out there. It seems you could be even arrested nowadays for putting up a post on how to make proper "semo"! OK I kid…

Every government/regime in Nigeria seems to have their individually selective phobias. For Idiagbon, it was the fear of refuse dumps and indiscipline. For IBB it was the fear of telling the truth and Democracy. Abacha had a huge terror for international travel and a certain magazine called Tell. Ditto for OBJ who hated corporate attire and a young musician by the name of Eedris Abdulkareem for singing "Nigeria Jaga-jaga".

Yardie’s administration, it seems has the fear of intellectual expression. The detention and subsequent release of the Lansing-based Nigerian blogger, Jonathan Elendu by the SSS/EFCC should teach us not to think otherwise.

Inspired by my prophetic genes when I taunted the NBC in my last B & P by suggesting they take up seizing bloggers’ licenses as a new source of revenue, I had no idea their bigger Big Brother, the SSS would take it so seriously. First it was Channels TV, now it is blogging. The effort hasn’t really been wasted, at least now I know the definition of the word "sedition".

True to their nature of being a caring family, all of blogville came out in stout defense of one of their own writing various posts on the matter and a group was even formed on FB to protest J.E.’ s detention (I wonder what the group will do now he’s been released?) It does give one a warm feeling inside knowing you won’t be alone if you’re ever arrested! (And Aloofar, does Woomie make it to your list of potential detainees after this recent post of hers? By the way, I’m still trying to figure out how we can protest by going naked virtually).

A comedian once joked that unless you’ve been detained (and released) by the EFCC, you can’t call yourself a big man. The long and short of this gist is that despite the consequences of the trauma he endured in solitary confinement, Jonathan Elendu’s ordeal has not only brought Yardie’s true intentions into stark, painful light but actually made his blog more popular. In all honesty, I had never visited ElenduReports.com until after his arrest.

That visit has become an eye-opener.

I’m even safely contemplating a form of mild arrest by the EFCC (no SSS for me, thank you!)

Obama-drama
So it’s finally over?

Much to my relief, the 24-month long political soap opera known as Obama-drama a.k.a. Obama-mania is finally drawing to an end. Now the husky-voiced, 2 ton-chested Madam of the Stock Exchange can deftly dodge the EFCC, loosen her custom-made bras and take a breather while we can now go back our daily tedium of insulting our leaders instead of picking one for the U.S. like the global busybodies we are.

Inasmuch as I refused to be caught in the plot of the drama or be drawn into the Lagos "carnival" that heralded his victory, it was fun catching peeks of the Election coverage on CNN especially a programme called "The Campaign Trail". I actually enjoyed the 01/11 edition which subtly poked fun on the "flawed" American voting system (Maurice Iwu ridiculously claims ours is better!)

I’m hoping that come 2011 the Nigerian media can copy from CNN’s balanced, detailed and mildly humourous reportage and we the people can focus on choosing better leaders (as opposed to tyrannical rulers) for ourselves instead of looking for unadvertised vacancies as international Campaign Managers.

It’s high time we realized that Obama shall not, will not, does not acknowledge our interference one bit. He is an American first and a Blackman second.

And when it comes to politics, as they say, no paddy for jungle!

Very TV-less…
I’m discarding the last shredded piece of my raggedy pride to do this: Blogville, I need a TV soonest! This TV-holics Anonymous withdrawal phase is slowly but surely driving me CRAZY!

I mean it’s one thing if I had absolutely no means to get one or maybe if all the PHCN poles had fallen in my area but to have two TVs within close reach and not being able to conscript any of them into active service has started depleting my brain cells.

The rats in my mom’s house have the one there all to themselves but the most annoying one is the big fully functional set which we leave abandoned in the office specifically for tutorials when the Boss wants to give us a lecture on CRT (Cathode Ray Tube) principles in relation with X-ray radiation and stuff like that or when we want to learn how to unsolder a component from a PCB (Engineering-speak). Very frustrating!

Well, I ain’t too proud to beg… If any of you out there has a spare TV to dash me, be it Black & White, a portable, CRT or even the latest LCD just holler at me and I’ll send my address sharpish. I’ll even buy Viju Milk for the delivery driver if need be.

And while I’m at it, can I beg for a DVD player too?

But Still Watching TV…
It’s amazing the distances I’ve traveled recently just to peek at the boob tube (that’s TV to the uninitiated, not a fashion accessory). Bida, Niger State was far enough as it got recently but the bravest feat so far was going to the common room of a girls’ secondary school hostel to watch "Super Story"! I can tell you one thing for sure: it was traumatic for me having to sit through the hour as 60 pairs of pubescent female eyes virtually tore me apart. I can’t imagine what must have been going through those teenage mind filled with crushes and ideas on the brain.

I bet it was also traumatic for the student I almost ran into bathing outside (why do females always bathe outside? It must be in their genes to never use the toilet / bathroom) so I’m not pulling that stunt again.

Worse, that particular episode of "Super Story" wasn’t even worth it.

Who the heck is Tolu Olukunga?
That’s the question that comes to my mind whenever I watch the current edition of Super Story titled "Nnenna: A Gift of Love". Fair-skinned Tolu plays the title role of Nnenna in the script, a ghost who seeks to save her kidnapped mom from the clutches of her evil uncle and avenge the deaths of her and her father at the hands of said uncle by exposing him.

In all sincerity, I’ve never seen Tolu act before but her characterization leaves a lot to be desired especially when she’s acting emotional (ghosts apparently aren’t supposed to be emotional - according to the script). Tolu as a ghost sucks and the scriptwriter occasionally seems to forget just what exactly her powers are. Nnenna for example, can easily spot the hiding place where her uncle stashes mom away but is totally oblivious when he removes her from there and later zooms past her with the poor woman tied up in his car trunk. And after wasting our time showing us the other ghosts in the "ghost village" teach her how to channel her emotions into interaction with the physical world, we never get to see her use such power anyway.

Another ridiculousity (pardon me) is the make-up artiste’s Michael Jackson-esque idea of smothering Gabriel Afolayan in very brown make-up making him appear more brown-skinned than usual. His different skin-colour tones are clearly visible at his upper arms and neckline whenever he wears a T-shirt. Just giving him a clean-shave was enough to bring out the boy in him. His over-acting makes up for the rest.

The entire script is sadly predictable if you’ve watched the movie "Ghost" in the past and the lack of special effects (relying heavily on the cut-and-edit camera techniques instead of the simplest superimposition) leaves the whole series feeling… well… un-ghostlike.

The increasing number of sponsors and lengthier periods of time-wasting in the script may have Mr. Adenuga smiling to the bank but will leave many of his ardent fans even more disappointed in his Super Story legacy. It is difficult throwing verbal javelins at a production company I very much look up to but I know WAP can do better than this. I mostly criticize them because I care.
I can’t wait to see Tolu play a better role in maybe another edition of S.S. and with more conviction too. Her limited wardrobe in "Nnenna" (ghosts also apparently wear just one set of clothes) also seems to have done her in and my sister - in a bout of typical female envy - accuses her of holding in her tummy.

But we all know there’s nothing that displeases a fine intelligent woman more than the presence of another fine intelligent woman!

Chari, do you happen to have her number? Help a bro, abeg!

PS: On A More Regular Schedule
Starting from just now, you can expect my B & P posts on a more regular monthly schedule. That way you can expect at least one MN post each month even if I’ve got nothing more sensible to talk about.

Remain posted…

Henllo?

2008-11-09T20:47:00.002+01:00

OK, so I’ve been officially dissed on another blog…

Last week I decided despite my personal financial market crisis (and against common sense, I might add) to call up certain bloggers so we could chew the rag, so to speak. Now I’m mildly regretting the decision.

First up on my list was Esquire. OK, honestly I didn’t actually call him - I flashed! And like the real homeboy he is, dude called me back so we could relate. Meennnn! The convo was so silky smooth you’d be forgiven if you thought we had been hommies for life. I mean like seriously, I’m looking forward to the next time we get to yarn if we ever do.

Next up on the list was Laide the Exschoolnerd. I must admit this one was kinda Herculean… I mean what exactly does one say to one of blogville’s flyest divas? After muttering a few lines I guess I wound up feeling star-struck and a wee bit intimidated, just like a Primary school pupil trying to chat up his class teacher. Or worse, just like trying to talk to the Pope about sex: where does one really start?

After a couple of attempts in which I once almost stupidly asked if the sun was still shining over there in Lagos, I had to give up. Suffice it to say I think we relate better digitally than over the phone so I’ll be switching back fulltime to the e-mail routine just like before.

The only highlight of our gist was when she said in her opinion, I don’t I dalk fuddy. And Laide sounds just Woomie; I could have sworn I was talking to the same person. Do all Lag girls sound alike or do you gals go for voice lesson to get rid of the H-factor?

Last but not least was Charizard. The banter went something like this:

MN: Hen-llo? Onluwa-Charizard! How you dey?

C: (in a Queen Elizabeth butler accent) I’m very fine thank you. Who’s speaking please?

MN: Na me now! Naughty Eyes…

C: OK and how are you doing this fine morning?

MN: (puzzled) Ah, ah? No be Charizard be this?

C: Yes, you do have the distinguished pleasure of speaking with Charizard.

MN: Which one you come dey blow Grammar like oyibo so?

C: I’m in a meeting at the moment and I’ll get back to you later.

MN: OK now, we go yarn later.

C: No wey-rey (still in that aristocratic butler accent)

Meeting ke? I was stunned as in: who put wey-rey like that for meeting? Little wonder there is a global financial crisis oh! And all the oyibo flows? Na wa! You bloggers continue surprising me. Before you know it, it will turn out that Rayo actually has a Hillary Clinton accent while Aloofar sounds just like Obama.

Next thing, as if the gist with Char-gizzard wasn’t enough, I visit the Fiery and Sweet blogspace only to see Char-boy ranting, missing several (female) bloggers and having a fun time hanging out with Wellsbaba. I look under the Misc section and what do I see? This!

I was in a meeting when Xavier called me during the week...chai...I won't lie mehn...even tho he had warned me on his blog in his "about me" post I still almost got lost when we yarned...Nna mehnn...that accent was silky as well matured red wine...I swear, I tot he was calling to tell me that my conteehnah has arrived atti the Portu...heheheeh...Xavi! no vex o

Like the Nigerian Police, let me list out the charges:

First offence: Putting me under the heading Miscellaneous and calling me Xavier.

Second offence: Praising my accent as being “silky as well matured red wine”.

Third offence: Just when my head was swelling that all the blog-chicks would be dying to call me up to hear my Barry White tones, he dashes all my hopes by referring to “conteehnah”

Fourth and final offence: Someone (can’t recall who now) then drops a comment: “LMAO @ Xavier”

So the verdict is in:

Woomie says I speak through my nose.
Laide says I don’t.
Esquire was too busy yarning to notice.
And Charizard dissed me.

Funny thing is, I’m supposed to be “angry” about this (according to truthmasta?) but I’m not maybe because honestly I realize that even when Char-Char disses you, the number and/or variety of your comments go up.

So, Chari, pop out the champagne! I’m not going to tear you a new a-hole.

But I won’t be spending my shinkili credit calling up any of you Bloggers out there to gist in the near future, no thank you!

“conteehnah has arrived atti the Portu” INDEED! (BIG thunderous, ear-splitting HISSSSSSSSS)

PS: Minor Updates in Progress
The comments concerning the mini-debate I put up on my last post have been interesting even though voting was poor. So as not to look as if I was just bad-mouthing Tustep and DJ Tee, I’ve decided to later update the original post in question with screenshots from the music video (so you can have the hard evidence so to speak).

The debate meanwhile still continues via the poll.

PPS: For those who have been wondering, I sent my Contributors on an all-expense paid sabbatical to any location of their choice, the only criteria being that the location must fall within Southwest Nigeria (no Obudu Cattle Ranch on the bill, sorry). Seems they enjoyed the break so much they’re yet to resume work!

Are NAIJA Music Videos Debasing Women?

2008-10-30T19:03:00.002+01:00

Public Opinion

This is a question I’ve been asking myself a lot recently.

What actually triggered this discourse was an argument and a music video I caught recently thanks to a pirated 9ice VCD that proudly claimed to contain his Gongo Aso videos. Trust the pirates: the contents were radically different from the cover but that’s another issue for another day.

The argument actually started when a female declared that if she was a music star she’d shoot a music video that would have the guys all strutting around in briefs. Her reason? Guys shoot videos with scantily dressed female dancers in them shaking what their Mamas gave ‘em and reducing their bride price, so to speak. Her scantily-clothed males video concept would therefore turn the tables on men.

Fast forward to the music video on the “Gongo Aso” VCD I talked of earlier. The video in question titled “Call The Police” is from the (previously unknown to me) musician Tustep and features another (unknown) rapper who goes by the name Dagrin. The music video was directed by DJ Tee (again!) with the production efforts of Shayman (of Ko Won Je fame).

The song by itself is a club banger based loosely on the crunk rap style and its lyrics are kinda nice. According to the hook as sung by Tustep:

Pick up your phone make you call the Police / Say this girl she don thief my heart-y oh! / Oh! (x 3) / Where she carry am go? / Oh oh! / She must-o carry am come back!

And he goes on to sing about how the girl has stolen his heart thus making him “tempted to touch” and stuff like that. After the introductory scene by Shayman, we get to see Tustep on a sofa with his girl number one. Then after that, we fade to what looks like the VIP section of a club with about 10 girls in the background each doing her bit of dancing while Tustep addresses the one sitting down directly. But after this comes the controversial part. I’ve gone over the entire lyrics of the song and Tustep makes it apparent in the lyrics that he’s singing of one girl. So how come in the said video do we see two girls running their hands all over him in the bedroom scene?

Correct me if I’m wrong but I’m yet to see a Naija music video which (discreetly or openly) endorses a ménage a trois like this. I just wonder who - Director, artiste or Producer - was responsible for this particular Artistic Direction. (Congrats! At least now our music videos are stepping up! 50 Cent and Ludacris, it seems now reside in Lagos. Or wherever).

The video by itself is not too bad and will trip a guy’s imagination no end but will give women yet another chance to cry foul over their being debased. I’ve listened to several women shout against this form of abuse but it seems their positions are rather weakened by the members of their very same sex. And as one lady told me: if she refused to dance provocatively in a video, there would be 10 other ladies lining up to take her place.

As for me, I take the middle stand. Any woman / girl / lady who chooses to can appear nude in any music video she wants to as far as no one put a gun to her head to do it. But still that doesn’t mean the music video Directors and artistes should start pushing the envelope and blurring the lines between provocative dancing, x-rated scenes and freedom of speech.

I won’t lie: I like seeing skin and rump-shaking but that doesn’t mean every music video should start toeing that line! What’s happening to creativity, for crying out loud?

I’m running a poll about this just to know your views and please feel free to drop comments / e-mail. All views are welcome. But if you were to ask me, I don’t think every Nigerian apparently, is ready for sexually-suggestive videos. Well, people what do YOU think?

We love watching your videos but this rubbish has got to end.

DJ Tee, Tustep, and many others: Please, please take note…

Right Of Reply: Commenting On The Comments Part 2

2008-10-27T17:54:00.002+01:00

Dear Anonymous Commentator,

It is with a huge dose of sarcasm and the eternal quest for objectivity that I have decided to handle this matter this way. Normally, being the blogmaster, I could have easily deleted your comments and no-one would have been any more the wiser except you and I. But maybe I deceive myself when I say I am objective. I may have to warn you however that my reply - in exact opposite of yours - will be long.

First, of all, Thank you for helping me stick to my decision not to turn off Comment Moderation in my blog. I’m sure you must have agonized for hours trying to choose the right words to convey your opinion and I’m sorry if good manners and Comment Moderation prevented you from publishing all the swear words you might have used in my blog without my permission. Once again, thanks for unwittingly demonstrating to less discrete Bloggers out there, the immense power of this little invention of Censorship.

Secondly, I usually don’t publish Anonymous comments on my blog. From experience, most of them are usually useless comments packed full of hidden links to spy ware, spam and advert sites none of which I endorse. Whenever I break this rule, you ought to know that either the said comment is apt, harmless, boosts my ego or makes a whole lot of sense. Your comment in this case, doesn’t fulfill any of these criteria but I’ll just make an exception all the same.

On the issue of Kelly Hansome’s (“hansome I repeat Hansome”, according to you - mixed upper and lowercases regardless) Maga Don Pay video, I guess I may have been a bit too harsh on that video. Sorry. Maybe we can safely blame that on my period. Like I said then and will always say, I love the song. I actually HATE the lyrics and subsequently, dislike the video.

I’m grateful for your enlightening me on the location for the video shoot. I’ve watched the said video twice and no where in it was it captioned “Shot in L.A.” so I guess my speculations that it was done in S.A. was a safe one. Honestly I do need to research more or call on people like you when I need such info. By the way, do L.A. chicks hear Pidgin English nowadays? Can they now lip-sync Kelly’s song? And I think S.A. is so much cheaper to shoot in. Remind me to ask P Square…

Since you seem so conversant on the Hansome family matters, I take it you must be very close to Kelly or any one of them so please tell him when you do see not to take my views too badly. So many people dislike Tupac’s “Hit ‘Em Up” even while admitting it is really a great song so maybe Mr. Kelly can take solace in that. And thanks for letting me know the family background too. Was the fact that they would be mistaken as being related to the Clifford Orji family partly responsible for their change of name?

You know, you are right on so many things! I was wrong on the spelling of the name and I admit I mistakenly thought the video was actually called “Mugu Don Pay” but there are several things on which you are horribly wrong. One, every one of us, yourself included, has a criminal mind. The only thing stopping most of us is after due consideration of the consequences. Second, I have never practiced 419 (you won’t believe me anyway, so why bother?) neither do I condone it in any way, the very reason I spoke out about this song in the first place. For you see, this song has everything to do with 419 (a.k.a. Advance Fee Fraud, Yahoo, Obtaining By Tricks, etc).

If you may not have grown or lived in Nigeria long (for example, if you are a refugee) then you must not have known that the phrase “mugu” or “maga” is mostly used to denote a person - usually expatriate - who has fallen prey to the trickery / dupery of an Advanced Fee Fraudster (also called a Yahoo boy in some quarters although this term may soon become trans-gender). Thus when the slang “Mugu / Maga don pay” is used, it actually means an unfortunate person has just fallen victim of the fraudster’s antics and lodged / transferred a huge amount of money (usually in dollars) as an advance payment into the fraudster’s accounts. And if you still don’t believe me, please ask the Nigerians who run your refugee camp. Or better yet, read Charizard’s “THE CHARI AND EXSCHOOLNERD SHOW”

I’m taking a lot of pains (and boring most readers here) explaining this because like I said, you may be unfamiliar with these terms. I hope you are more enlightened now to see that your friend’s choice for a song title and hook was most inappropriate to say the least. The same applies for the places in the song’s lyrics where these terms were also used.

For you to then imply that the lyrics “Maga / Mugu don pay / Shout hallelujah” means “Praise God for the breakthrough in my musical career” as you put it is a collective insult to the entire crop of Nigerian audiophiles, song writers, performers and critics like us that actually do listen to music lyrics and not just nod our heads to the beat like you do. And I think you do owe us a very big sincere apology for rating our intellect so low.

You and I both agree on one thing though: we both like the song and I thoroughly enjoy the beat, tempo and flow. Permit me to suggest to your friend that if he’s doing a remix, he might just think of changing the lyrics to say, maybe: “Hard work don pay / Shout hallelujah” I’ve tried it out in the song and believe me, it works. I give the idea to him free of all copyright charges and I don’t even want the credit for the suggestion. I just hope you don’t plan on passing off the idea as yours!

I also agree with you too that censorship should be a personal thing except if you’re a kid who runs around the streets yelling “Maga Don Pay” at the top of your lungs (in which case your father then becomes the Censors Board). And have you noticed that songs with the most questionable lyrics are actually the easiest for kids to copy and sing? I recall a song called “Pickin” by D-Smart last year or so that had kids chorusing for bottles of Small Stout (an alcoholic beverage). But then, I don’t think you’d mind if your little son tells his mom to lick his lollipop, would you? Or asks the maid to take down her drawers ‘cause he wants to give her a real good banging all night, non-stop?

But what am I saying? This reply is getting too long probably because I have a weakness when it comes to brevity and I always write with passion. I also try to be very careful with my grammatical structure and syntax (unlike you), but I notice that like me, you too write with passion. I could easily spot 14 grammatical errors in the comment you sent me (the funniest was you spelling opinion as “opp ion”). Or maybe your cyber-timer ticket was running out and so you had no time to edit and had to beg the café attendant for a few extra minutes to log out properly. There’s no need to feel ashamed about that. I’ve also done it too.

I’ve thoroughly enjoyed this correspondence with you and I’m glad I could restrain myself from totally insulting you but please may I advice that next time you want to indulge in any sort of exchange with me or this blog, that you please get an ID? It could even be a pseudonym. So many fools like I said earlier happen to share the same “Anonymous” first name with you.
Opinions they say, are like body hairs. Everyone’s got them.

And he who has them a lot especially under the armpits is more likely to stink.

In case you haven’t noticed by the time you read this, I’m bored with replying you so I rest my case…

You are stupid.

PS: Ok, so I admit I’m just being petty but I’ve really wanted to hammer somebody like this in a long time but never got the opportunity!
And I’m still very much open to criticism please so keep hammering me too. I promise to take them seriously so I can keep on improving. Just don’t call me a 419er in them please (that’s what made me mad in the first place if not I’d have shunned the whole thing).
I HATE (hate I repeat Hate) 419.

Make Una See Me See Trouble Oh!

2008-10-26T21:03:00.002+01:00

Just when I was on me lonesome chilling, planning my next big review, checking my blogs and mails and doing the blog rounds jejely, I happened to see (with immense jollification I must add) the “1 New Comment Needs To Be Moderated” notification sitting smack dab on my Blogger Dashboard.
In all happiness, I clicked the link and what I saw was the long mail a.k.a. comment published below.
But first some background info. When I wrote about Kelly Hansome’s “Maga Don Pay” video, little did I know the amount of dust it would generate. Now it seems somebody wants to threaten me with L.B.A. (Lyrical Body Assault) and V.B.H. (Verbose Body Harm)! Imagine small ME!
Anyway, in case you don’t understand what the entire hullabaloo is all about, you can click here to see my original post on the Kelly Hansome case. In order as to give everybody a fair hearing and to further demonstrate my objectivity, I’ve decided to publish the Anonymous comment (totally UNABRIDGED and totally UNEDITED) here instead of just discarding it where the original post is.
Not only that, I’m also posting my friend (my proper Internet paddy) TRAE-z’s comments here too for your reading pleasure. After reading them, I’m sure you can see why TRAE’s still my friend and Anonymous isn’t.
So, first from Anonymous:

so you are wrong on so many ways about Kelly HANSOME (hansome I repeat Hansome). Hansome is not misspelled in any way shape or form. It is actually his family last night. His mothers last name is Hansome. His brothers last name is hansome. His fathers last name is hansome and so on and so on. The family last name was orginally orji but they changed it as so many Nigerian families do these days. Sometimes you may find a member of his family who goes by the name of Hans. And the video title wasn't misspelled either. The song is actually called MAGA DON PAY as he does say MAGA DON PAY THEN MUGU DON PAY. The video was shot in LA. As for censoring....if you don't want to listen to a certain song then don't but as for me I love the song. It has nothing to do with 419. As far as I understand he is praising God for the breakthrough in his musical career. If you interpret the song as having 419 undertones maybe it is because you yourself practice or havce practiced 419 and that is the direction your brain wants to wander. The song is hott and we are each entitled to out own opp ion and this is mine!

And TRAE-z’s:

at times we need not take things too seriously all the time. i think Kelly Handsome's "Maga don pay/too much money" is a terrific song. definitely in the class of Olu Maintain's "yahoozee" and Nkem Owoh's "i go chop your dollar".music expresses reality, good or bad. deal with it

Thanks TRAE, I’m about to deal with it.
Expect my reply to the Anonymous assault next post…

Hate It Or Love It

2008-10-20T14:24:00.000+01:00

We hate ads. Whenever they come up on the TV or we hear them on the radio or we catch a glimpse of the gargantuan billboards, our first instinct most of the time commands us to either pick up the remote, change the channel or just look away in exasperation.

Now here’s a Newsflash for you: Ironically, we also sub-consciously love ads too! Statistics show that a large amount of purchases we make or services we subscribe to stem not just from word-of-mouth recommendations of friends and family but are also based on the adverts we see, hear and instinctively like.

To cut the long story short, ADs DO WORK and companies, recognizing this, virtually break the bank and sink large percentages of their revenue into their ad campaigns while the advertising companies jostle for their fat accounts.

Most adverts it seems can be broadly classified into 3 categories: ads to die for, ads to ignore and ads that make you slowly die inside. Here are just a few ads which screen regularly on Nigerian TV that fall into these categories especially the first:

Ads To Die For

The BMW 1 Series: This Coscharis Motors’ driven ad takes the award for being one of the most imaginative ads out there. It features two BMW 1 hatchbacks (one white, the other black) each driven by a guy and a lady as they race each other down a highway which winds its way through several stops marked with beautiful scenery.
Now here comes the imaginative bit. Along the way, the sky changes from daylight when the white vehicle is ahead to nighttime whenever the black one overtakes which happens several time in the course of the ad all this happening while the special inner and outer features and selling points of both cars are discreetly shown to you. By the time they both come to a halt at the end of the race the daytime and night sky fuses to form a breath-taking eclipse of the sun.
Imaginative. Brilliant. Beautiful.

Etisalat’s 0809ja For Life: For once, I’m actually putting my skepticisms aside to like the wrapping paper before I actually peek at the gift wrapped inside. Etisalat is yet to launch (at least in my area) so I have no idea what their services will be like but I just LOVE this advert.
I’m talking of the particular one that features Banky W. strutting along a rapidly morphing backdrop of club-lights-inspired colours, a swimming pool and a basketball court singing the Etisalat theme song in that voice that only a Banky W. can have.
This ad is very youth-oriented and I like the bit where he pauses and shows the 0809 tattoo near his biceps while answering the phone. Of course there are several weak points in the ad like the entire basketball scenes and the wacky dancing at the very ending but, IT’S 080 - 9JA FOR LIFE, BABY!

Emvite Super from Emzor Pharmaceuticals: It does look a bit like an amateurish ad and the chick in it isn’t really so hot but she does somehow manage to get 2 guys to chase after her so I guess she’s OK. The setting is simple. Two guys scope out the chick for a while then when she gets into a taxi both of them break out into the race of their lives to track her down and claim the price. One of them of course tires quickly while the other (buoyed up no doubt by Emvite Super) coolly dashes after the taxi, runs up and down several flights of stairs and still presents the belle with a long-stemmed rose without breaking out in a sweat.
My elder bro actually took just one look at this ad and declared he’d rather save his energy and stop and chat up the other two girls whom the guys run past

Stanbic IBTC’s Guardian Angel-type ad: Check this out: You wake up in the morning and see a blurry image of a guy in a suit who has been watching over you while you slept. You clear your eyes and poof! He’s gone! You try to put your foot down on the floor and mysterious hands put your slippers underneath them. This blurry suited guy not only hangs around as you prepare for work but actually sits on the trunk of your car as you drive there.
Spooky, isn’t it?
Well that’s the new wave of Stanbic IBTC’s ad though the overall theme is meant to be that of reassurance and not fear; reassurance that their staff are always watching over you and your affairs even when you sleep (I wish I could actually feel reassurance instead of the usual skepticism with which I view ALL financial institutions).
The place in the ad were I like is the part where you see a busy highway with the corporate male and female “guardian angels” sitting on the trunks of each and every car in sight. It sort of reminds me of a scene from “City of Angels” and must have taken a whole lot of planning and daring to shoot.
And did I mention that the main “guardian angel” actually looks like Vitalis, a guy I used to know in my university days?

Zain’s TruTalk & TruTxt: Compared to Zain’s other relatively weak, ubiquitous ads and despite their distastefully-coloured premises, the fact that commercial is CGI-animated actually does boost its eye appeal. The rapping 3D animated characters are all dressed in hip Naija-styled Hop-hop gear complete with the bling-bling and clutching their cellular phones while the lyrics of their rhymes scroll underneath your screen karaoke-fashion just so in case you should think the words are phat enough to make you want to lip sync them.
This advert is targeted at the young and fly so if you don’t understand all the lingo in the preceding paragraph, then it’s definitely not aimed at you and you’ll probably never understand it anyway.
As for me, I like it just fine coz it’s TRU!

“It Begins With You”: These series of ads became popular with the advent of the “Imagine Africa” TV reality show and each one in the series compels the viewer to first of all imagine a HIV-free generation of Africans. Some of these ads actually portray how circumstances like peer pressure, the lack of proper sex education alongside the communication gap between parents and children could lead to the spread of the disease. Yet another one shows the relevance of going for HIV testing and how by individually dealing with stigmatization, we can better understand how to get along with PLWHAs (People Living With HIV/AIDS).
Now, it’s no use looking over your shoulder or pointing fingers whenever the ads play. Yes, HIV can be conquered in Africa and yes, we can have a HIV-free generation but just like the ad says, “It Begins With YOU!”

MTN’s “Go Start Something”: Yeah, yeah, I’ve watched it like a million times but I still look up anytime I hear the nursery rhyme soundtrack to see that little girl fly up that staircase and “go start something”. I just wish MTN could give us some other very imaginative adverts like this one and the funny “Share & Sell PIN ad (the advertised code doesn’t work by the way) and scrap the “Go Join The Winning Team” and “XtraCool” ads.
The variety and sheer number of people used to shoot this ad and the perfect editing of the hand-clap choreography must have given the Casting crew and Director sleepless nights but it all turned out good in the end (by the way, did you spot the very fat girl somewhere down the line in the street hand clapping chain? She appears and does a little hop - big skirt and all - just after another runs past to fill a gap in the line). Also, the shaky zooming in and out camera effect gives the viewer the impression as if we are viewing the commercial out of our very own handy-cams.
I might seem biased but in all honesty, the telcos and the banks seem to make the best ads nowadays anyway.

Ads To Ignore

Since we largely ignore them anyway is there any use listing them out? Adverts that fall into this category include the commercials for toothpaste, soaps, air refreshners, sanitary pads, food seasonings, tea, chocolate and milk drinks, detergents and any out of a thousand household items which we’ve been using since we were babies, adverts or no adverts.
Loosely bundled into this category are adverts that bear the mark of a Federal Government Ministry (except from NAFDAC of course) and the House of Assembly.
I also once used to like the “Heart of Africa” ads but nowadays I just choose to ignore them.

Plus An Ad That Makes You Die

Yardie’s 7 Point Agenda: If you are happen to be a frequent viewer of the NTA, you’re most likely aware that they keep a handy stack of ads cued ready to roll once they have transmission hitches. Yardie’s Manifesto ad happens to be sitting at the top of that stack right now.
When the broadcast signals fail, NTA gleefully puts on the 7 Point Agenda ad. When the Lagos Network Centre loses the picture, here comes the good old 7 Point Agenda advert to the rescue. When we can only see Ololade Adeniji-Adele or Bilikisu Liman from the Abuja Centre moving their lips without hearing the audio, the 7 point Agenda comes out of the bag once again sometimes also without the sound too. And when the 7 Point Agenda ad fails to play what next does NTA do? Why, they put on the 7 Point Agenda ad again!
Ironically, the ad is supposed to list out Yardie’s achievements but it actually does the exact opposite. I’m honestly sick and tired of constantly being reminded what exactly his administration promised and hasn’t delivered till now.

Politicians it seems, unlike ads will never change…

PS: This list is by no means exhaustive and before it crosses anyone’s mind, I do not seek to endorse any of the products / services mentioned here. As a matter of fact I’d rather watch “Super Story” and “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” without the ads, thank you very much!

JonXavier Tells All: A VERY LOOOONG Tale of Facts And Questions

2008-10-11T11:19:00.004+01:00

Hello peeps!
Ever since I announced I was open to interviews right from my very first few posts, I’ve been waiting for you all out there to do a “21 Questions” thingy on me. What do I get since then? SILENCE!
So mainly inspired by Buttercup’s 10 Facts About Me, Woomie’s Layers Survey, and the Charizard & Buttercup Exam 101 Solutions, here are my own 17 Facts About ME (since nobody’s interested in finding out about me, I am interested in finding out about me!):

1. I am ambidextrous (or rather, I like to think I am)

It’s just a big word that means the ability to use both hands with equal ease. Of course, since I’m not a natural-born southpaw, I’ve had to train my left hand to be almost as good as the right. It’s still the weaker hand though and my handwriting with it is totally disastrous but I’m still working hard to make it just as good as the right. That’s just in case (you never know) anything happens to the right hand, by the way.

Interestingly, Woomie is really ambidextrous.

2. I wear glasses

Yep! The really, really THICK kind (E never reach Coca-Cola bottle levels yet but e remain small). I’ve had myopia for most of my life but I started wearing glasses only about 10 years ago. Ironical because my eyesight used to be very good at an early age (I used to sit in the back of the class then) but latter years saw me coming closer and closer to the board.

Also ironically too, I lost a whole lot of potential friends in University because some of them just couldn’t believe that when they waved at me, I didn’t wave back because I didn’t see them! Some still think I’m a snob till now.

3. I am a Liberal Catholic

That’s actually the way I state my religion. I was born and raised with a good Catholic background but the effects have worn off with the temptations of youth and the passage of time. Right now I’m at the stage of my life when I’m really starting to question things and study theologies I’ve always taken for granted since birth.Don’t get me wrong. I’m not trying to find out if these things are wrong, I’m just trying to find how they are right. Let’s just say I’m on the long road to religious re-discovery right now.

Oh, and I don’t care if my friends are Anglican, Protestant, Methodist, Muslim or Sango worshippers. I believe we will ALL somehow find GOD together.

4. I LOVE GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS I DO ADORE (you can thank Jay-Z for that one…)

In case you don’t know, I’m just CRAZY about them! Tall, fat, short, slim, wharrrreva! God made them right and then put them in my line of sight. Of course, I like them the beautifuller they come and it’s a definite plus if she has a very rich mind / sound intellect as well. And she mustn’t be much too overweight because I’d like her to still look presentable after having our 4 kids. (Don’t get it twisted. I really don’t mind fat girls though I’ve found a few of them tend to be a tad insecure despite being very smart most of the time).

And I don’t mind short girls too. They are very “portable” and tend to be prettier while tall girls possess those long legs I’m always dying for.

Sigh… I really don’t know what I want but I love you all anyway. Fat, short, slim, you all are just so, so, so cuddly!

5. I’m S-I-N-G-L-E!

Despite what I’ve said about loving girls and all that, I’m very single, chronically so. Matter of fact, I’ve been on me own for 3 whole years now! Let’s just say I discovered heartbreak is one hell of a pain I don’t like dealing with and I’m not the type that does one night stands though I’ve been tempted once in a while.

It’s a tough struggle but I guess I’m more committed to the dating-for-life thing than to just hop in and out. And my being single is not for lack of trying. I’ve boldly asked 3 very wonderful ladies to go out with me in those 3 years and the answer has been N.O.!

Two other ladies wanted flings but I just wasn’t interested.

6. I’m poor and insecure… and frank about it too

That’s the honest truth. I think my financial status is actually supposed to belong to Nigeria’s rapidly-disappearing middle class but my money hardly measures up to my needs nowadays so I tag myself poor. Of course I’m on the hustle to change all that but it’s difficult running a honest hustle in these times. And I just happen to like honesty.

The insecurity bit comes with the poverty and as for being frank; I just frankly told you guys I’m poor didn’t I? I’m very frank about most things, I hate sugar-coating and beating around the bush which I feel are a waste of time and energy anyway.

7. I’m VERY plain

Sequel to 6 above, I’m plain. Matter of fact, very ordinary. There’s nothing ruggedly handsome about my looks or my wallet for that matter and I don’t dress like I stepped out of GQ or Hip-Hop World Magazine either. I’m not the type that walks into a room and lights it up; as it is, you could walk into that room and miss me. I’m just good plain old ME.

Of course I could be very exciting / passionate / funny when I set my mind to it but those moods are rare and far in between so maybe that’s why I’m always attracted to popular, vibrant types. Or maybe I’m just not meeting the right people…

8. I dalk fuddy (talk funny)

When I spoke with a certain Blogger for the first time, she actually asked me if I speak out of my nose! Yeah, I talk like that. I can’t pronounce anything that has an ‘R’ or ‘L’ in it properly (words like “pronounce” and “properly”). And every other word sounds like I’m putting an ‘N’ before it!

Oddly, it seems to be getting worse as I grow older or maybe it’s because I’m noticing it more. Kids can be heartless most times but I don’t really recall getting teased much when I was in Primary school. And in Secondary School I used to be scared to need out nowd in knass (read out loud in class). As you can guess, I’ve turned out to be a very quiet person.

So I don’t do public speaking, I’m usually silent in the midst of more than one person and I’ll never be a broadcaster.

There’s even a Knock-knock joke specially dedicated to people of my kind:

“Knock, knock”

“Who’s there?”

“Adolph”

“Adolph who?”

“A dolf ball hid me in the node and I can’t dalk properdy”

It’s not all that bad though. After all, I’ve got an accent!

9. I’m a GOOD listener (no, make that a GREAT listener)

At least most of my friends agree with me on this one. I even admit I am. I’m not the kind of person that tells you I’m too busy to listen to you when you call and even when I do, I usually reschedule and call back later. Maybe partly out of this, I’ve had to listen to my fair share of disagreeable people in my life.

Being a good listener, though an asset with the feminine kind does sometimes have its odd moments. A chick once came to pour out her litany of boyfriend woes in my ear even though I’d told her earlier I was very tired. After dozing off in the midst of the sermon, I awoke later only to see her sitting in the same spot still talking. Weird!

10. I think for a living. And I multi-task easily too

As Woomie once said, I think I think for a living. I think I use 90% of my brain, I’m always thinking even in my sleep! Movie scripts, plays, possible music videos I’d shoot if I was directing, songs, I imagine everything in bright living colours. My brain is a 24/7 media empire. I’m always bursting full of I.D.E.A.S.!

These mental gymnastics also enable me carry out several tasks all at the same time without each one interfering with the other. For example, I could be gisting with you and listening attentively to the radio at the same time. Or typing on my PC and watching Ikechukwu’s “Wind Am Well” on the TV with equal rapt attention. Or my favourite: reading a great book with great music blasting in my ear. There are so many other examples I could give here.

Sometimes keeping up with my train of thoughts can be Herculean for my friends and they do get irritated with me from time to time. Sadly, only my mom understands me.

11. I believe 2 and 2 is equal to 22

Once again blame my over-worked brain for this one. I always seem to have a suspicious mind and I believe almost everything I hear of people (except my friends of course!) Don’t blame me. Having lived almost 30 years on Planet Earth, I’m very much aware that fact is always stranger than fiction.

Of course my 22-mindset has been very useful in smoking out who and who are having secret relationships even if they deny it vehemently but sometimes the most ridiculously open piece of juicy scandal does manage to escape my notice.

12. I don’t have eyes at the back of my head but I’ve got the ears of a witch

Contrary to the notions of my niece and several people that know me, I don’t have eyes at the back of my head. Some of them just don’t understand how I sometimes know very well what’s going on behind me. Let me reveal my secrets.

First, people tend to believe I can only see out of my glasses. How very wrong they are! By one of nature’s freaky quirks, I happen to have relatively good peripheral vision so if you’re making faces at me or trying to hide something out of my line of sight, good chances are I going to catch you.

Secondly, I have the ears of a witch. My ex couldn’t figure out how I could pay her so much attention without skipping a beat in our conversation and yet still later tell her all the gossip going on at the other tables in a restaurant. And it’s amazing the things people discuss when they think you can’t hear them. I guess I chalk up my wonderful eavesdropping talent to that my 24/7 brain I told you of earlier.

Thirdly, I reason very fast. When I hear people speak or I read their characters (which I do very well) I can very easily predict what they will do once they think I’m not watching.

And lastly, it’s my glasses again. They’re anti-reflects and their coating is such that depending on the lighting and how I look, I can actually see reflections of people behind me. Very handy in spotting when someone’s planning a sneak attack on you or if an invigilator is trying to creep behind you to catch you cheating!

13. I’m the World’s BIGGEST PROCRASTINATOR

I wanted to write something about my procrastinating, but I think I’ll do that later…

14. I watch each movie a minimum of 4 times (except the really bad ones of course...)

First of all, there’s the Casual View, then the Appreciation View, after that the Director’s Cut View and finally the Critic’s View. I’ve even been known to watch “Armageddon” and “Pretty Woman” 20-plus times and still counting.

15. I LOVE entertainment with all my soul

After God, my family, my friends and myself of course… If not, why the hell am I anchoring this blog?

16. I’m Human (So contrary to popular opinion, I ain’t a R.O.B.O.T!)

After all is said and done, that’s what I really am: human. I’m never ashamed to cry or too self-conscious to laugh. I dream, I plan, I practice, I laze about, I succeed, I fail woefully, I fall, I rise again, I fall sick, I recover, I love, I try hard not to break hearts, I shall die, right now I LIVE!

Life is hard but it is fun and I’m not taking any quick way out. There’s no one like me and there will never be. And I’m going to fully experience this one chance I’ve got and show the world just what they’ll be missing when I’m gone.

And as Nas said, “All I need is one mic…”

17. And I’m not afraid to D.R.E.A.M.

And I dream B.I.G. too! I’m not talking about all those crappy stuff our minds come up with at night after a stressful day (which I always forget as soon as I wake up). I’m talking REAL BIG DREAMS. Dreams of my future, my wife, my kids, the legacies I’d like to leave behind when I die (and the loot I’ll leave for my wife and kids as well), everything! I’m just like Trey Songz on that his track “Just Gotta Make It”. All I got is a dollar and a dream and some days I don’t even have that dollar but I’m still dreaming anyway.

To all people of like mind out there: I’ll keep dreaming on, and you’re welcome to share in my dreams anytime…After all a fool at 40 is a fool forever and I ain’t 40 yet.

PS: After this, I’m very much tempted to do a 21 Questions-type interview on certain Bloggers. You guys are just so secretive sometimes, the paparazzi in me wants to smoke you out. And where else is better to start than from my V.I.P. posse.So Woomie, Esquire, Charizard & Buttercup, Aloofar, Lady Koko, Lolu-Kush, Rayo and all the million others that aren’t listed there, I know you guys have done similar things like this before but just you get ready to face the 21 Question Nemesis!

Buhahahahahaha!

PPS: To all the hardcore MN readers, sorry for the lack of reviews. I’m still suffering from Reviewers’ Block but rest assured I’m going to see the doctor tomorrow. He says my condition is critic-al.