B & P 8: Dora Akunyili, Timaya and 5 Kobo... Plus Some Breaking News!!!

Additional Reportage & Photo Credits: Bella Naija

Two Wor-Wor People

First of all, a disclaimer: I do not look like an Adonis. I don’t look like Prince Charming either. To summarize it all, I’m not fine.

But as ordinary as I look whenever I remember one certain friend of a friend of mine I used to have some years ago I always say “Baba God, you try for me sha!” Dude looked so unfine like as if the devil took one look at his clay mould, gave it right and left hooks followed by an uppercut and then sent it off for firing.

To make matters worse, dude decides to inflict his misfortune on future generations by making sure he dates a chick who is just as facially blessed as he is. Instead of calling him and his girlfriend a couple, we always called them two wor-wor people.

What reminded me of this dude? Well, the first thing I see as soon as I step into Lagos is an okada man sporting a Mohawk and a chick sporting a copy of The Encomium. In a corner of the front cover is a headline that screams: Timaya finally confirms relationship with Empress Njamah!

Having caught bits of the lovey-dovey gossip on Bella Naija’s site I wasn’t too amazed by the revelation but I’m just a tad curious how a Bayelsan truth-singer got to hook up with one of Nollywood’s blond bad-girl actresses. Was this love at first sight or rather, first fright? It’s more likely just a case of two wor-wor people.

Maybe if I was bored and very talented with photo-software I could have turned prophet and done a composite picture of what their kids might look like but anyway, I’m very proud of how far my fellow PHC homeboy has come in breaking into the Lagos circles even if this particular circle looks like someone hit her very hard on the head at least once.

And if this relationship is anything like that of that dude I mentioned earlier, I bet we’ll be seeing this wor-wor couple for some time to come…

The Unstoppable Copycat?
Controversy already seems to be trailing the release of Tuface (or is it 2face) Idibia’s new album “The Unstoppable”. Apparently the centre of the debate rests around the so-called duet “Flex” that features Chi-town R & B king, R. Kelly on the 19-tracker album. The bone of contention here is that the 2face version of “Flex” is virtually identical to another version of the very same song this time performed by the same old R. Kelly this time with Shaggy.

The deception employed here is fairly simple even to non-Hip-Hop heads. Someone just took the same Shaggy / R. Kelly song, edited the Shaggy parts out, got 2face to drop his own vocals on top and voila! A duet! Or do it?

Now the question is: Whodunit? Some people have even taken to comparing the release dates of both songs to determine who copied who like as if release dates mean a thing.

Was R. Kelly just too “busy” to sing an original duet with Tuface and alternatively suggested the swap or was Tuface the one who got permission to do a cover of the other version? Sampling is nothing new neither is it a crime (Bob Marley has been sampled numerous times) but this kind of deceit is a huge smack on the face of music fans who have been eagerly anticipating the over-hyped collabo. Whoever was the fool that convinced Tuface that a sample is the same thing as a duet?

Why Hypertek and Zomba had to resort to this underhand sleight is puzzling considering both artistes are very much alive and creative enough to record an original track. One wonders if they’re going to use the same cut-and-join for the video if it ever comes to that.

The fanatical Tuface Fans Brigade have already picked up their ammunition to defend their darling crooner and they’re so caught up playing “Flex” and lip-syncing “African Queen” while reciting his litany of awards to give a hoot. Maybe the rest of us can take solace in the fact that thanks to the wonders of digital music, we can in typical Tuface - stylee someday have duets with R. Kelly, Amy Winehouse or Alvin & The Chipmunks (who by the way has its own version too of Flex. That particular song has been sampled so many times).

As for me, I gave up on Tuface not long after the Face 2 Face album. Nowadays I just wait till someone I know is gullible enough to buy his albums then I just rip the thing to MP3 sharply. Space-saving and economical to boot!

Have Some Tea… No Make That Choco-Milk
Deception also reigns in the advertising world. Some would even say both are synonymous and WAMCO Plc, makers of Peak seem to confirm this with their current spate of ads for the new Peak Choco-Milk. Almost all the ads are roughly themed after a mother who calls her children to come and have some “tea”.

“Tea” however turns out to be choco-milk, a combo of powdered milk, cocoa and sugar. Surprise, surprise! Now, is someone trying to pull a fast one on us by re-writing the dictionary? I need assistance here but isn’t tea the stuff that’s made out of dried ground tea leaves usually stored in small paper bags? Since when did chocolate drinks qualify as tea then?

Yeah I know the whole ad thing is just a copywriter’s attempt at wordplay but imagine if other ads were to toe that line? Scene One: A mother walks on-screen, smiles at the viewers and says stuff like, “You know, my daughter and I have our own special code words when we communicate. For example, when she says…”

At this point the daughter comes on-screen and says “Mom, I need to buy a pack of sanitary pads.” At which point the mom beams and replies, “You’ve hooked that aristo guy haven’t you? That’s my girl!”

Or Scene Two: Boy walks into the family living room dragging his feet while everyone’s watching TV and sullenly tells his dad: “Pops, I have to buy another JAMB form”.

Pops takes off his glasses, throws down his newspaper and decks the son a left hook while yelling: “Stupid boy! You’ve caught the clap again?!?”

Tea ko, choco-milk ni? Tea na tea abeg!

Minister of Pharmaceutical Information?
Anyone who accuses Yardie of not being smart obviously doesn’t know his or her Naija Politics 101 very well. Remember, people made the same mistake with OBJ and the guy just casually increased workers’ salaries each time with subsequent increases in fuel prices and just look where both are right now.

Now back to Yardie. Mr. 7 Point Agenda gave us a nationwide shocker when he appointed Madam NAFDAC, Prof. Dora Akunyili as the new Minister of Information. Trust NUJ. According to the papers, NUJ was like “Shuo? We don’t want her as our Information Minister jare!”

Now I’m not Madam Akunyili but if it was me, I would have rejected the appointment sharpish. Why? Well, everyone knows that an Ambassador is an honest man sent abroad to lie for his country, abi? An Information Minister is much worse. He is like his wicked step-brother - a dishonest man / woman who stays behind to lie to his own country-people.

It’s just a pity that Yardie has decided to rubbish Akunyili’s NAFDAC-certified credibility by presenting her as his propaganda mouthpiece and hoping we’ll be naïve enough to lick up all the honey dripping from her lips without checking the expiry date or batch number. Will she be now forced to give us non-iodized / non-vitamin A-enriched Information with the hopes that we’ll stupidly turn a blind eye to his go-slow policies?

Well what’s your take on this? I put up a new poll on the right to get your views on the issue but for me, I just pray she doesn’t get trampled under the hooves of the propaganda horse she has now mounted. I wish her the best. She needs it.

Is MTN really worth it?
I love Naija, I no go lie… Especially now that we all are developing very fantastic sense of humour thanks in part from watching too much of Opa Williams’ “Night Of A Thousand Laughs”.

Caught a news piece on Livingspring FM some weeks back which stated that a certain human rights activist, Chief A. Shittu and a group called CDRP (I’m not too sure of the name) had sued MTN and the NCC to court for poor telecommunication services in Osogbo, the Osun State capital.

Now get this: the said Chief Shittu prayed the court to compel both parties to pay damages to the tune of 5 kobo! You heard me right! Not N5 million, not N 500, 000, not even N 5,000 but 5 kobo! Haba!

The amount, according to Shittu is worked out to be the worth of MTN Nigeria to the people of Osogbo. Also NCC and MTN had earlier gone to court on Nov. 10 to stop the proceedings by challenging the jurisdiction of the court to hear such a case. Na wa for all these people sef! Must they win every case?

I can only imagine the embarrassment on the faces of both sets of lawyers (who by the way must draw very fat salaries) donning their wigs and gowns to go and settle a 5 kobo case. Unfortunately I didn’t hear the eventual outcome of the judge’s decision but if I was MTN, I would have just sent one Law School student like that to gracefully lose the case then offer Chief Shittu a very crisp N5 note and tell him to keep the change. But this Shittu of a guy is smart sha. If he wins just imagine all the trouble MTN and NCC will have to go through just to locate a 5 kobo coin in this modern day Naija!

Wonders they say will never end…

PS: Due to my past long holiday spent in couch-potato mode and the present mad frenzy of post-holiday work, the MNR Awards post slipped past the scheduled deadline. More detailed explanations later but for now stay tuned ‘cos it’ll be coming to a PC near you any time soon, probably before the month is up.

Ciao and HAPPY NEW YEAR!

PPS: I saw Tuface serenading (abi na smooching) Cossy Orjiakor on TV last week during one of their Nollywood gigs or the other. I’m betting we can tell who his next baby mama will be. If na lie, make I naked baff…!

BREAKING NEWS: Just saw an online post that foremost novelist and literary icon Elechi Amadi who wrote "The Concubine" amongst other books was kidnapped on January 05, 2009 at his home (Aluu town) Port Harcourt. Click here to visit his site for more details. Recent reports however said he was released on the 6th of January, barely 24 hours after his abduction.

WE ALL SHOULD CONDEMN THIS ACT

Bits And Pieces 7: Music Videos vs. music videos, Football And Christmas…

So I decided to do another B & P so soon after the last one? Sue me!

Stepping to Sexy Music
You can hardly switch on the TV nowadays without catching Jordin Sparks’ “One Step At A Time” video. That’s one hell of a great song and the video sets it off beautifully. It just goes to show that you don’t need a country’s budget, countless locations or a massive crowd of extras to shoot a good video. Nigerian video directors need to dump the helicopter and Moet and start looking on incorporating street scenes in their works (not the dirty Lagos street scenes please. Or the ones where they show girls dancing on top of danfo buses…)

Also of note is Ne-Yo’s “Independent Woman” video which features Gabrielle Union as his boss (now, which man wouldn’t want to work under Gabrielle U?) and goes to prove what we’ve always known anyway: Ne-Yo is a great musician and songwriter, looks nice in suits and is a bit lacking in the height department. Gabrielle also still has her sexy witch looks which keep heads turning.

And speaking of sexy women, Nick Cannon must be the luckiest man (or boy) alive now. I mean how many of us get to marry the girl (sorry, woman) of our dreams? Caught Mrs. Cannon flaunting her heart-stopping curves on a recent music video that features T.I. and I was so intent making plans on how to assassinate Nick that I missed the title of the track.

Finally, spotted Madonna in a video from her “Confessions On The Dance Floor” album exercise-dancing seductively alongside some other male dancers in the background young enough (or is it old enough) to be her sons. At certain points in the video, now it’s rather hard to find the words to describe this but she figuratively has sex with music! Let your imagination fill in the rest…

Boy, does it feel good to be as old as she is and still make little boys lick their lips…

Music Videos vs. music videos
Still on the issue of music videos, I watched a lot of them on EATV, Channel 5 lately thanks to a recent trip to Bida, Niger State and a rogue cable subscription in the house I stayed in there.

Most of the EATV gist is in a language I don’t understand but they do show some cool foreign videos though the percentage is very low compared to those of East African origin. Of course, the mix wouldn’t be complete without showing Nigerian music videos and Sasha / Storm Records, the Mo’ Hits crew and P Square mostly rep Naija on the EA musical landscape. And boy! the Naija videos have got WAAAAY more class than the East African videos which still look like they are been shot with handy cams.

Out of several things I’ve noticed though, the East Africans have far less reservations when it comes to showing skin on TV unlike their West African counterparts and they do look cool like that. But without wanting to sound unduly patriotic when it comes to eye candy we all know the Naija babes still rule the competition though they seem to be taking a second spot compared to the South African chicks of mixed parentage.

To tell the truth, most of the East African entertainment programmes do look pretty wack (I can’t hear what they’re saying anyway) plus Zain Networks and another unknown telecom company called Tigo seem to sponsor everything in East Africa from talk shows to street shows to even the news. I’ll give it to the East Africans though; they do seem so proud of their languages and incorporate it as much as possible into their music.

If there’s one thing both types of videos have in common, it’s this: The massive copycatting of the foreign rap stars’ bling-bling Hip-Hop culture.

And the absence of men wearing briefs and dancing seductively…

Female Football & A Flight Of Fancy
Yardie can be a fine boy sometimes. Of course the 20 sacked Ministers, the staff of Channels TV and Jonathan Elendu are not going to agree with me but I almost kissed his forehead when he rescinded the earlier decision that would have stopped the country from hosting the Under-17 World Cup in 2009. That means I may finally be able to boast of watching a World Cup match on home soil having missed the opportunity in times gone past. Yardie’s change of heart aside, you can be sure almost nothing will be done until the last moments when we’ll gladly roll out our bright red (green) fire brigade trucks.

On the female angle, one of the benefits of watching cable TV is that you’re bound to find the odd channel broadcasting the odd tournament. I previously had absolutely no idea that the female Under-17 World Cup was holding in New Zealand last month until I caught the live broadcasts on Capital TV. The Nigerian female team really won my heart in one of their past matches by hanging on to a 2 - 2 draw even after going one man down (sorry, one woman down) against the Brazilian team when the ref harshly sent off goal-scorer Ebere Orji. The Samba girls though almost made them pay dearly for the lack of a finisher with their well-played free kicks.

Things did get very tense and a head-to-head collision had Nigeria playing with just 9 girls against Brazil’s 11 at one point but one relatively amusing aspect in the match was a Nigerian player who goes by the name “MacFancy”.

The Super Falcons on the other hand were hoping to steam-roll over all their other African competition in the ongoing African Women’s Championship, qualify for the female World Cup as usual and then fail woefully as has always been their due. How sad…

No More Miss Goody-Two-Shoes
Michelle Williams, usually the cool-headed, most reserved member of the defunct Destiny’s Child has finally decided that she’s not going to let only Beyonce and Ms. Kelly steal the spotlight when it comes to bringing sexy back!

Spotted the former Miss Goody-Goody proudly parading her stuff in a thigh-length killer dress and the occasional black cat suit in a musical video “We Break The Dawn” featuring rapper Flo-Rida. Girlfriend used to be so good before, it almost looked like a “sin” watching such a blood-pumping video and as you rightly guessed, “We Break The Dawn” ain’t Gospel music.

Bad sales in the religious genre of music most probably must have made Ms. W throw away the choir gown for a cat suit and raunchy dance steps and it will be interesting to see if she continues “back-sliding” or does the split personality thing and releases albums in both religious and secular genres. Or maybe she’s finally just discovered she’s “all-woman”.

After all, it’s actually quite annoying seeing Beyonce blatantly flaunting her curves on TV especially when you know you’re just as appropriately “blessed”. And Gospel music alone can’t pay for that daily gym workout or the cat suit for that matter…

MTN Also Delivers
First of all, this is not a paid advert. Secondly, I dislike endorsing companies especially the telecoms but I just have to hand it to MTN on this one. After my recent inability to carry out a credit transfer I was surprised to get the following text from + 234 803:

“We apologize for your recent difficulties with loading airtime. We will credit your account tonight with N60 airtime as a token for the inconvenience.”

Now, compared to all the inconveniences I’ve going through lately, 60 bucks ain’t squat but the fact they were true to their word and did send the token at night impressed me with their sincerity. (Moreover 60 bucks equals to 12 extra SMSes and can make all the difference between free or no night calls)

Glo, on the other hand, would never send such a text in the first instance. They aren’t so careless as to have airtime/ recharge issues and I’m beginning to suspect Glo recharge cards will sometimes load even when there’s no network signal!

Return Of The Queen
Before she was telling us to “Jebele, Jebele”. Now she wants us back and says “Jowo, Biko”. Women always seem to have a hard time making up their minds.

What am I talking about? Qween’s latest single “Jowo, Biko” (meaning “Please, Please” or “Abeg, Abeg” in the Yoruba and Igbo / Pidgin English tongues) is out and spinning on a radio close to you. I must admit, I never gave the Qween her due respect before now (maybe her dentition was partly to blame) but after dropping these two hot singles, I can’t wait to hear what the whole album will sound like.

Heard Qween in a phone interview with Ice on Grace 95.5 FM, Bida say she’s got not just one, but two albums ready but she’s having difficulties with the marketers. She also spilled the beans on her upcoming marriage when she returns to Nigeria (no mention of who Mr. Right is though) and the fact that she’s expecting a second baby too!

Qween absolutely kills you softly on this Cobhams-produced soulful track and she’s definitely going to go places with those silky seductive tones of hers. I’ve got just one piece of advice for the Afro wig-wearing musical sovereign though: Qween, jowo, biko, settle your issues quickly with the Alaba Market boys before the pirates lift your singles off the radio and launch your “albums” before you do. Ask 9ice what he suffered at their hands before the release of his “Gongo Aso” album.

Xmas Jingles
The yuletide’s around the nearest corner and once again the marketing gates are firmly open drowning us in the advertising avalanche which compels us to buy this and buy that at “half” (= same) price. As we rush into the shopping malls, the sounds of cash registers have now replaced the sound of Christmas bells and the reason for the season has been long forgotten.

Anyway, enough of the preaching. In a quirky sort of personal tradition, I always take mental note of when and where I hear my first Xmas jingle for the year and this year it was on Livingspring 104.5 FM, Osogbo on November 1st. Maybe the fact that I’ve been on the road since then is to blame but I’m yet to hear or see another one after that which is rather unprecedented in all my Xmas years.

Sales of bangers and the Harmattan weather have been rather slow too (especially in certain parts of the Southwest) and I hear the global economic crisis is partly to blame for that one! Anyway, wear appropriate clothing when it’s cold, have a hanky ready for the dust and stock up on cardigans, jackets, tea and essential balms before their prices increase. Or even better, just get a brand new, 24-hour, hug-inclined boyfriend.

Merry Xmas in advance people!

Peace…