FEATURES OF A TYPICAL NAIJA ALBUM

I am a lover of Nigerian music. Unlike some people (who prefer buying pirated compilation CDs), I buy original albums. If I like an artist, I go out and buy his/her album. One advantage of this I have discovered over the years is that there are some really good songs you won't hear on radio on a normal day.

For the last three years (when Naija music started gaining acceptance), I have been buying Naija CDs so much so that when you come across my collection, you would think I sell CDs. The following are the albums in my collection, if you can beat my record, let me know! You may have some albums I don’t but I have all the albums that matter!
Body and Soul – Plantashun Boiz (Who does not have this then?)
Plan B – Plantashun Boiz
Face2Face – 2Face Idibia
Grace2Grace – 2Face Idibia
Enter the place - 2Face Idibia
The unstoppable - 2Face Idibia
Independent – Faze
Originality - Face
Me, music and I – Blackface Naija
We be Da Natives – Da Natives
No long thing – D’banj
Run down/Funk you up - D’banj
The Entertainer - D’banj
Curriculum Vitae - D’banj and Mo’hits All Stars
Mushin2Mo’hits – Wande Cole
The Certificate – 9ice
Gongo Aso – 9ice
From me to you – Dare Art-Alade
The most un.darey.ted – Darey
Naija 007 – Sound Sultan
SS4 – Sound Sultan
Yahoozee! - Olu Maintain
E Plaribus Unum (One amongst many) – Mode 9
Pentium IX: The mixtape - Mode 9
The Paradigm Shift - Mode 9
Thy album come – Ruggedman
Ruggedy baba – Ruggedman
The King is back – eLDee
BIG BOY – eLDee
The rapman begins – Terry Tha Rapman
Money Long: The mixtape: Sauce Kid
Shock Therapy: The Minority Report – Rooftop MCs
Kalangolo – Frank D’Nero
Mr Capable – Banky W
Still on the matter – Da Grin
True story – Timaya
Second turning by the right - Lord of Ajasa
Game over - P Square
Free me – Terry G
Pin code: 9.10.11 – Sunny Neji
The Definition: DJ Jimmy Jatt
King of the Zanga – Durella
King Kong – Shank
You know my P – Naeto C
Dat Ibo Boy – Ill Bliss
Talk about it – M.I.
Life and times of Killz – Ikechukwu
Asha – Asa
Saxophone mood – Yemi Sax
Buga: Never say die – Jesse King
Africano: The mother of groove – Lagbaja
Paradise and Sharp Sharp – Lagbaja

Over the years, i discovered some similarities in my CDs; some major features which all almost always have in common. They include:

1. NUMBER OF TRACKS: The number of tracks on a regular Naija music album is between 9 and 11. Though nowadays, we see some hip-hop artistes having 18-22 songs on their albums. We have been made to know that what's responsible for the small number of tracks on Naija albums is not lack of creativity but a business strategy, since they'll make the same meagre sum from a 11-tracker that they will from a 22-tracker.

2. UNNECESSARY SKITS: From the 11 tracks in these albums, we find 2-3 drab and absolutely unnecessary skits in most Naija albums. I dare say that there are some really good, creative and interesting skits in some as well.

3. INSTRUMENTALS: It is only on a Naija album that you will find instrumentals i.e. the beat of a song. They like to include the instrumentals of their most popular songs in their albums. I don't know what they think, that maybe we like the songs insomuch that we listen to only the instrumentals? I mean, not all of us are DJs, are we? Methinks it is just to increase the number of tracks on their albums.

4. TRADITIONAL MUSIC: You will always find a traditional music on a Naija album. When I say traditional music, I mean songs done in the indigenous language of the artiste. Apart from normal English and Yoruba language (Yes, Yoruba because it's the official music language in Naija) Naija artistes sing in, they also have at least a track done in their purely indigenous language. Patriotism, you say?

5. THANK YOUs AND OVA ISH (apologies to M.I.): You are likely to find a song dedicated to God or to people who contributed to the artiste's success or both on a Naija album. As is common to all Nigerians, they allude to being God-fearing people when in fact, their actions says otherwise.

6. POLITICAL SONG/SOCIAL COMMENTARY: Politics is a favorite past-time of most Nigerians, whether they know sh!t or not. The political situation in the country gives Naija artistes something to sing about. And like they say, people learn a lot from the music they listen to. Naija artistes see themselves as role models to a lot of young people so they've taken it upon themselves to pass social commentaries once in a while (lets not forget that they are also responsible for majority of the slangs on the streets).

7. ALBUM ARTS: The CD jackets of Naija albums are always made of paper. The last time any one came with plastic, I haven't started buying. It is common to see some of the following on a Naija music album art:
1. Typographical errors.
2. Track mismatch.
3. Artistes showed putting on jewelry that's not real.
4. Websites that don't exist, either of the artiste, record label or marketer.
5. Marketer's name, phone number and office address.
6. Manager/Promoter's name and phone number.
7. Written appreciations/dedications apart from the song on the album.
8. Lyrics to some tracks on the album.

The Twelfth Commandment

All Media - Advertising - The Gist

No, it’s not what you think. The title of this post isn’t the title of a movie I’m reviewing. It isn’t an album either neither is it a documentary. It’s just an experience I’ve gone through recently that I thought I should share with you.

Do you know those automatic cash dispensers better known as ATMs (Automated/Automatic Teller Machines)? When they were introduced into the Nigerian financial scene by the banking sector I was one of the few people that danced madly in joy over the news. The reason for this was clear. In my line of thinking, ATMs meant PC Networking, Networking meant Computers and Computers meant Civilization. Hurray! Digital Civilization had come to Nigeria!

I remember waiting earnestly for my bank to issue me with the cherished plastic. After years of running a paper-based account I was finally going to say good riddance to the things of old and move up to the swipe-and-pay. No more torn bank books for me or having to sign twice behind the slip after waiting 30 minutes for the female cashier to freshen her make-up or the male one to stop chatting up the girl ahead of me in the queue.

And so one day it was my turn to be issued with plastic cash. My happiness knew no bounds. I wasn’t swayed by the fact that it wasn’t exactly a license for uncontrolled spending (a.k.a. a credit card) or that a few days ago, I’d read an article in a national newspaper captioned: “Beware of the Automated Thieving Machine”. Not even the mandatory 2-day wait for my account to fully migrate to digitaldom or the 105 Naira ATM charge deducted at my first withdrawal was going to dampen my enthusiasm. I had unshakeable faith in digital power!

“Wetin concern Media Nemesis with ATM?” you might ask. Well maybe it’s the media content developer in me. Deep in my mind every time I approach the automated money-doler, I can’t help but wonder how much underutilized these machines are in reaching out to people. All the ATMs I know just play annoyingly short and rubbishy repetitive snippets of classical music which a digital voice tells you to wait for your transaction. And the screens mostly deliver adverts tailored only towards the deploying financial institution offering you crazy loan schemes.

Now I’ll need your help here. I want you to close your eyes and imagine…

Imagine if the FIRST TIME you heard bits of Sasha’s “Adara”, 9ice’s “Gongo Aso” or P-Square’s “Do Me” was on an ATM machine! I can imagine the conversation going something like this:

A: Have you heard the latest?

B: No! Wetin dey?

A: Ah! You too slack oh! P-Square now have a new hit track out!

B: Oh yeah? Where you hear am? Which radio station?

A: Radio ke? Have you been to XYZ Bank lately?

B: No! When I no get money? Abi you pay inside my account?

A: Pay wetin? Abeg check out their ATM jo! Even if you just go there and pretend to do an Account Inquiry, you’ll hear all the latest tracks pumping out from the speakers. I even heard D-Banj’s latest CD there too. And there’s Ruggedman, Konga, Weird MC, Sammy Okposo, BOUQUI, even the latest boys from Aba…

B: Eh! Abeg I dey go there now-now Make e no be say na me be the last to hear am.

Yeah, I know the idea might even sound lame but how would we know the efficacy of it if we never try it out anyway? CD releases, Nollywood movie trailers and screenings times, shows and events, indeed everything entertainingly gratifying could turn out to be fodder for this advertising cannon. Still imagining, just reflect on the even more numbers of customers they might reach if the telecom companies partner with banks to lease some ATM screen space to advertise their promos.

It’s not just the telecoms either. Imagine if Bank PHB gave us all the updates on The Apprentice Africa via their ATM screens and printed out the viewing times along with your financial details on the ATM receipt? Imagine if Skye Bank had printed out special complimentary Celebrity Takes 2 tickets for customers who use the ATM a certain number of times? Or if UBA had dome the same thing for the 2008 AMMAs? It’s a well worn cliché but if media marketers had just a little bit of imagination to utilize the numerous ATMs around instead of scrambling to erect massive bridge-like billboards, the possibilities would just start becoming endless.

Of course, typical with the Nigerian-faddish way of thinking, the possibilities of abuse would be endless too.

One can equally imagine the resulting cacophony that would result from the simple act of turning an ATM into a jukebox as neighboring banks would jostle not just for our accounts but our auditory senses as well. The issue of copyright infringement would also rear its ugly head in the hallowed halls of banking as greedy marketers no doubt would eagerly sign up to sell the same content to competing banks without any resultant remuneration to the artistes themselves. And which octogenarian would want to have his/her slowly failing hearing damaged more by “Do Me” blaring from a machine that’s already tough enough to manipulate as it is?

And if the marketers were given domain over the ATM screen then it would become an advertising Armageddon even worse than what we get when watching TV soaps. We’d be made to spend more and more time waiting for our transactions as we are bombarded with commercials for soaps, toothpaste, churches, cigarettes, condoms, furniture, milk, sweets, and yes, the banks too. The advert glut and the resulting chaos from it might be enough to even make you hunger once more for the days of paper…

My reverie is over. Much as the ATM symbolizes a movement towards the digital future for Nigeria I think I’d rather leave them as they are for now. ATM-based marketing can further enhance the entertainment experience if well handled but when last did we ever handle anything right?

Now going back to the title of this post, I assume everyone knows the 11th Commandment, right? (In case you didn’t it is this: Thou shall not get caught.) Well, recently, I was FLAT BROKE but that wasn’t enough to shake me like in the past. After calmly strolling to my friendly neighbourhood ATM in my friendly neighbourhood UBA premises, I slotted in the plastic key to my account and dutifully followed all the instructions on the screen. Of course, the amount was also dutifully deducted from my account and the card dutifully popped out…WITHOUT THE MONEY!!!

Not believing what I was seeing, I decided to take up the case with Customer Care. Unfortunately, the guards who must have heard all the ATM tales of woe dutifully and politely blocked the door (it was almost 6pm) and told me the problem would resolve itself within 48 hours.

48 hours?!? Now I was mad! Having nothing more on me than a damaged N20 note and none of my pride, I first tried to bluff, then seeing that wouldn’t work, I put on my best British aristocrat mannerism and politely asked the guards for a tiny N20 loan to find my way home. The guards in question must have heard those lines several times too because they both politely shook their heads: NO.

I was too weak to even drop the Briton routine and switch back to my Agbero one. To cut the long story short, a young Police dude who’d suffered the same ATM dupery saved the situation by lending me the said amount without even wanting to know if he’d ever see me again. Now I can’t really say bad things about the Police anymore.

For someone like me who likes to throw money around when people ask for my help, it sure humbled me how desperate one can go for just N20. And yes, the money did revert back to the card within the 48 hours as promised.

What lessons have I learnt from this? You just might consider taking your bank book along ‘cause you just might not know when that ATM will disappoint you. And I have learnt the Twelfth Commandment: THOU SHALL NEVER TRUST AN ATM…

PS: In case the whole idea of ATM marketing fully kicks off in Nigeria and becomes a money spinner for advert companies and media execs, just remember: I said it first!