My Life’s Soundtrack - Safe

**Long Lyrical Alert**

Hold up! Have you seen the lyrics to M.I.’s “Safe” ANYWHERE online or offline? No? I didn’t think so! So here’s what I’m going to do… How about I transcribe the lyrics just for you? Great, ain’t it?
YO! Here’s me TRULY and loudly blowing my horn. Not only that but you also get to check out the fresh hot video right here! Did I hear you say you love me?
Where did you get it all from first? I can’t hear you. Where? Only on Media Nemesis, baby!



Track: Safe (Track 7 from the album Talk About It )
Artiste: M.I. (feat. Djinee)
Transcribed by: Naughty Eyes

[Djinee - Spoken Intro]
All these kpomo men now… Them be kpomo men…
(Scoffs) Woah!

[M.I.]
Yo! It’s the way that they do me [echo] (Are we safe right here?)
The way that they do me
Crowds used to boo me but now ladies woo me
Truly I’m sorry, sue me
Me, I’m a Loopy, I’m money long like Moony
I’m Looney like Tuney, your girl wish she knew me
My arms strong like Loony, and C. City blew me up
Yup, you can only watch like a movie
Ruby I’m a- melt the game like a booby
People asking “Who he?”
They call me M.I.-er, just because I’m getting higher
I’m spitting fire, this written fire
There’s no bullshitting I’m sitting on top, Naija’s rap messiah
I kill them Mama, them Papa, bring drama, end proper in coma
This rapper show-stopper, he’s hotter
Top-shot, no other rap while I’m rendering, hear the words he’s uttering
‘Cos other rappers stuttering
I rhyme am well, I’m not them, I’m hot, chill! I’ve got skill
The most incredible out of Naija, I’m on fire
I’ve got street credibility and he definitely flow infinitely and so intermittently
Ha! Plus, I’m a party rider ‘cos I flow tighter so put up your lighter
MI be in the house and MC’s they shall bounce and go home to their spouse
‘Cos to stay might be detrimental (mental), better flow better instrumental (mental)
You gotta learn the fundamental (mental) and my flow is so essential, essential, essential
Listen! Silence (Shh!!) is the best answer, not violence
That’s why I bring war on the violins
This is Armageddon dog, hear the sirens
And no, I am not retiring
No, I’m never tiring, these lyrics that I’m firing
But don’t be dismayed, ‘cos Zenith Bank is hiring
For instance, there’s no resistance
The flow persistent and so consistent
Other rappers distant, they should have listened
Because I’m the engine room and the gear and the piston
There’s no rest see, at best you’re assisting
I’m what they’re missing, I’m why they listen
I’m the heart police dawg, I’m cardiac-arresting
The best thing and you’re just microphone-testing

[Hook - Djinee]
Are we safe right here?
You better run fi cover, na we dey right here
Hey! Where you dey when we dey chop kuli-kuli
Dey sell kpoli-kpoli, you dey form holy-holy

[Repeat Hook]

[M. I.]
Don’t try me oh
C. City wan’ eye me oh
And I’m rated highly oh
Heh! They call me M.I.
Listen y’all, yo! Mo gbono feli feli, I’m spitting like Machiavelli
I’m always inside your telly, your lyrics are smelly-smelly
I’m chilling in Pelly Pelly, I’m chilli inside your belly
Rappers are really silly, you rappers Milli Vanilli
But nuffin’ do me because I dey rhyme yo
Nothing’s gonna rule me because I dey shine yo, shine yo
I know I’m so fine yo, I’ll blind y’all with each rhyme yo
I move like a rhino, until we sitting on top, sitting spitting on top
Rappers spitting, they should stop
It’s real when I drop, your sh*t is gonna flop
You kickin’ so sloppy, getting spanked by your Papi
And you should know my P, they call me M.I., M.I., see
I’m rocking M.I. - M.I.C. and my flow is so deadly
Whiskolo whiska, the incredible Mister
The top on the list-a, he’s voted like Next-a
Loved by your sister, he maybe even kissed her
The brand new experience like Vista
Ebariba sanbori bobo
The ladies going loco when they hear his vocal
Rap’s in a choke-hold
Other rappers local, they rap with a vocorder
I’m the koko
Other rappers so-called, I’m medicine for the game like I’m Procold
You can’t deny, I give them what them wanting
And if you’re still sitting down, you’re on a long thing
And if there’s ever been a rap this fly
Yo, it hasn’t been done by another M.I.

[Djinee - Freestyle Pidgin Rap]
Hey! Hey! Why you dey run where you dey run, you think say you get liver
You come dey form like say you be that Arnold Schwarzenegger
Hey! You go talk the one you dey today
Today, today we go run you down you no know where you dey
Heh! We dey kill them, M.I. you dey treat them
Show them say this hip-hop music dey your system
Teach them, school them, if them f**k up, cane them
Oh! Them no know say, them no know say
You be Pyeri boy, I be B-side boy
We do run things eh! We dey run things oh!
Hey oh! Hey! Hey! Ihe ne me! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Pack your load go, pack your load go
M.I. don come here hey!

[M. I.]
Yo! Djinee in the house ladies and gentlemen

[Djinee]
We go run you down in your area
Think am oh!
Hey yo! We go run you down
Your Mama, your Papa
(Scoffs)
Na we dey right here oh

[M. I.]
Yo! And it’s a wrap y’all…

Lyrics © M.I. & Chocolate City Music 2008

PS: The Safe video was directed by Mex of Pixel Chaos. Interestingly, it also contains subtle references to a few other music videos. Quick examples: the background shown when MI says “Whiskolo Whiska” (the title of a Durella song) is a replica of the bar backdrop featured in the video for Shayo, another song by Durella. Also certain digital effects used here are exactly the same in style with the Gbenga Salu - directed Ten-Ten (embedded in the previous post).
Most music video connoisseurs will recognize Mex as the director of the smashin’ high-tech video Dangerous in which Dipp features M.I.

PPS: For those of you who have been good enough to stick to the end, here’s a news leak of a little something-something I’m tentatively working on.
It’s a feature called “TRAQ ANALYSIS” which is a blow-by-blow breakdown of these lyrics, their origins and references. Be on the look-out cos the TRAQ ANALYSIS of these smoking hot lyrics will explode anytime soon on the Spoken Word blog which is currently undergoing a resurrection.
Watch out!

PEACE!

Still Up This June…

…over the next few weeks, I’ll be posting lyrics from M.I.’s HHWA 2009 award-winning Talk About It album (now available on iTunes) which I can’t still get enough of. Sadly I can’t lay hands on his Illegal Music Mixtape so I’m still stuck with the debut album.

I’m still waiting to hear from Bobby Taylor on how to get the sophomore album and I’m seriously hoping Dante can help me out on this one. For now all I can say is watch out for the lyrics to Safe (yes, you heard me right) and several other tracks.

Still speaking of Safe, its music video just dropped and though I’m yet to see it, Lord knows when it’s going to grace TV. The video had been in the works for a while now (the guys at NotJustOK brought the Making to my attention first) and Sturvs.com confirmed the video debut. These online music sources are definitely da BOMB! Thanks a million guys!!!

Plus Mo’ Hits And Ten Ten
On another note, my review of Wande Coal’s album is almost done and I’ll put that up once I’ve applied finishing touches. And for dessert, you can check out the Gbenga Salu-directed video to the Mo’ Hits All Stars single Ten-Ten off the M2M album plus I’ve even thrown in the lyrics close to the bottom of this post.

Their two bonus singles on M2M are a sure sign that the Mo’Hits crew are working on a new project and for their sakes I hope it’s better than their previous CV album.

PS: Finally, a question that has been bugging my mind: has anyone noticed the very low profiles that D’Banj and Kelly Hansome have been keeping recently from their respective record labels’ activities? What’s up with that, huh?

Have a swell week!

PEACE!



Track: Ten Ten (Bonus Track from the Album “Mushin2Mo’ Hits”)
Artistes: Mo’ Hits All Stars
Transcribed by: Naughty Eyes

[Intro - Wande Coal]
Every time I see … (echo) you girly
Every time I see you girly
Mo’ Hits! Don Jazzy again!
Every time I see you girly
Hey! Don Jazzy again!

[Wande Coal]
Every time I see you girl, you dey turn me on
If I no fit get you girl, I no go carry on
Pass me the paper, pass the crayon
Make I put your sexy body in-a there on
Girl, you’re one in a million
The only one fish in my aquarium
Baby girl, don’t you think that I’m very young
Age no be nothing but a number
Cos I’m-a keep, keep lovin’ you girl
Never, no skip, skip lovin’ you girl
Don’t wanna be like other guys wey dey take advantage just dey…

[Chorus]
Use you play (ten-ten)
Everyday (ten-ten)
Yesterday (ten-ten)
My love no be ten-ten
I no be small pickin oh
Trust me I no go use you play (ten-ten)
Everyday (ten-ten)
Yesterday (ten-ten)
My love no be ten-ten
I no be small pickin oh (x 2)

[Dr. Sid]
Every time I see you girl, see you girl
You give me everything that I like
If it’s wrong to be loving you girl, loving you girl
Then I don’t wanna be right, eh
Cos you’re my generator when they take light
I go dey shout: “Up NEPA!” if you say you’ll be my wife
Na you dey bring joy to my life
If you offer me a chance you know I no go think am twice
Cos the boys dey wish for your loving
If it’s me you’re giving your loving
I’ll never be that guy who tries to take advantage to dey…

Repeat Chorus

[K-Switch]
B-b-bend down!
See, what you want girl, albeit it be drop-top
And a penthouse just to keep you on top
Bangles ‘pon da wrist them look like handcuff
Me money pile up from here to Bangkok
(Ladies!) you a fi need the man that strong like Hancock
By your side, at your back and even on top
Girl you look nice and your style is so top
(And me can’t shout) but me money can talk
When we walk, by your side me chest me pump up
When you go down on me, me always jump up
Salvatore, Ferragamo, Gucci, Louis Vuitton
That’s why me a fi sing this song

Repeat Chorus

(D’Prince is here!)

[D’Prince]
What’s D’Prince got to do just to get with you
Don’t necessarily mean I wanna sleep with you
I’m in need of a Princess and I think it’s you
Hmm… hmm… hmm… hmm… hmm… hmm… hmm…
I don’t need to ask my friends what they think of you
I see my future wife when I look at you
See I love you from your head to your Jimmy Choo’s
I’ma kiss you even if you’ve got the flu
See I’ve got what it takes to make your life easy
You know what it is, the Prince of ephizzie
Never gonna see me flirting on TV, believe me
I’m not deceiving
I’m never gonna…
Never gonna…

Repeat Chorus X 2

Instruments till Fade…

Lyrics © Mo’ Hits All Stars & Mo’ Hits Records 2008

Hiatus Interruptus…

... which if my Catechism Latin serves me well, should stand for “a break in the Break” - or basically, “stop sitting down on your ass and get back to work, you” - and not the other kind of interruptus some of y’all were thinking it was.

And to think I was actually going to call this post “Return of the Mac” until I realised I didn’t have one… A Mac that is…

Don’t know how many noticed but things have been MAD/MENTAL/CRAZY of late on my blogs so much so that I was forced to put everything on lock-down. I wasn’t even going to discuss it, I just wanted to leave quietly but a whole lot of drama has gone on behind the scenes. Suffice it to say, I’ve re-opened for business and I’m still hanging around. I was down but definitely not out.

Second long story short, the love of my life a.k.a. my PC crashed many weeks back meaning I’ve been unable to do updates or a whole lot of other meaningful stuff for a while. It drove me crazy but she’s in a partially fair state of health now. What really annoyed me was that despite the on-going recession and lack of salaried employment, I’ve had to shelve out a lot of money for her resuscitation. Honestly, you don’t want to know how much I spent, unless - that is - you intend to help me out with a refund or an external Hard Disk to recover my backup.

My friend Woomie has been telepathically beating me up to update so… I just had to do this: GOSH!!! I HAVE MISSED YOU GUYS!!!

Of course I’ve been managing to do blog paroles but it’s a whole different thing altogether having to type out each URL instead of consulting my Links/Bookmarks. And worse, I couldn’t save anything for offline reading which I really love doing, but what pissed me off was queuing up with all those Y.Y. boys Rayo once talked about and jostling to use lousy Ice Age café PCs packed chockfull of viruses and outdated plug-ins.

Anyways, I’m back… and hmm… where do I start? Let me just roam along on this one writing it up as I go.

LEFT 2 WRITE…
Speaking of writing, I’ve got loads to do. First, the concluding parts of my other blog posts are still waiting to be written and I just hope the sequels are any bit as good when I get to post them by next week. (By the way, someone left a comment saying I reminded her of Carlang. You guys just keep astounding me. That’s the greatest compliment I’ve received so far. Thanks Miz-Cynic!)

Then there’s a review of Wande Coal’s Mushin2Mo’ Hits album and Kefee’s A Piece of Me to tackle and I’m also trying my hand at a Book Review. After that I’ll have to script a multi-part serialization x-raying the Nigerian music industry partly in view of the current NBC ban on certain music videos plus a critical look at my favourite entertainment medium: the TV.

Star Quest went by during my absence but I think I can still cook up something on that. Then one of my best Dance reality shows, Malta Guinness Street Dance Africa has begun hitting the silver screen already. I’ve got to say this here: Naija peeps are definitely talented when it comes to all sorts of dancing.

Project Fame West Africa comes up in a short bit and I intend to stay glued to that but sadly I’ll be missing Koko Mansion since the reality show’s exclusive to HiTV and honestly, not even D’Banj justifies a cable subscription in these trying economic times. I just hope they maintain a good web presence so I can follow it up online or even better, license other TV stations to show the delayed-broadcast editions (hope Tony Subair, Don Jazzy and the Koko Master himself are listening).

Lastly on entertainment, the 2009 Hip Hop World Awards came up on Saturday, 16th May with the nominees trying to grab our attention beforehand via their blogs and FB status messages. One mild surprise was Omawumi carting away the Next Rated and Best Female Vocalist awards leaving behind acts like Djinee, Niki Laoye and Wajeh. For a full list of the Award winners and celeb pictures, you can check out Linda Ikeji’s blog while Tosyn Bucknor’s and Banky W’s gave some very interesting Behind-the-Scene gists. One thing that really stumped me was that the HHWA website didn’t have any of the above information on its webpages until way AFTER the bloggers had put up theirs!!! Very BIG banana peel…

HHWA photos courtesy LindaIkeji.blogspot.com and WeRunThings.net

Plus Some Random Blogville/FB Stuvvs
Ok, quite a lot has been going on in my absence but let me mention a few that pained me like shege. First on my list, what’s up with Doug’s blog? Got a notification that he’d updated but when I eventually checked it out, poof! The blog had disappeared into virtual smoke! Wetin dey? Is it what I’m thinking? If anyone gets in touch, please tell him to holler ASAP, will ya? And DB, can you please be a good boy and explain the whereabouts of your previously padlocked post?

Oh, then some good news: our Laide’s got a boyfriend! Bad news: It isn’t me. I swear, that post broke my heart to pieces then gathered the pieces and smashed them to even smaller pieces, I was so sad I didn’t eat for all of 3 hours. Nevertheless, I’m really glad for her, honest. Same goes for Vera. Just two things for me to do now: (1) re-focus my glasses and (2) go cast my net elsewhere…

Is it me or does it seem like a cliquish thing is going around Blogville? I haven’t really been able to savour the full flavour of The African Women blog (no thanks to dumb Lagos ISPs) but recently I stumbled upon another group of African bloggers doing their thing literally via movie reviews. Would have loved to join but I’ve got a lot on my plate already…

Now to the really happier bits, I enjoyed reading Rita’s interview with StandTall. I was actually planning to kick-start an Interview segment on my blog by having a chat with our Activist but the gentleman in me let Rita snag it. Yeah, right… More interviews are still in the pipeline nonetheless, so do watch out for that maybe next month.

Blogville aside, I attended the kick-off of the most blogged about literary event, The 9 Writers Book Tour at WA 7 and I must say I was mighty impressed (even better, the event started and ended on time too). You writers are such smart lot! To show how affected I was, I bought a book - definitely helped by the fact that the authoress was good-looking. Borrowing Seye’s lingo, I also un-met Rayo there since she and none of the bloggers I knew eventually showed up. Dante was present but somehow we didn’t meet either. You can read up his reportage of the book tour here.

I’m eagerly anticipating my next Arts meet but another event I’m also looking forward to will hold this time via Facebook. It’s called The Drive and though the destination details are sketchy, it’s basically a road adventure holding on May 29th. Now it’s been a long time since I had adventure, I’m sincerely praying I’ll be around for that one. As for the Sundays At The Bay event, Laide’s chronicle of the April edition, especially the boat capsizing bit has succeeded in “drowning” my enthusiasm. If you use FB, I’m sure you can search for details of both events on the site.

And speaking of Facebook, I’m seriously contemplating its importance to me right now. I seem to be spending too much time on it and moreover, nowadays every teenager, Y.Y. boy and their dog seem to be signing up and popping me with their Friend Requests. Imagine wanting to be my “friend” just because we share the same very common last name? On the flip side, I got into a lyrical battle with someone just because I said Sasha’s sexy and he disagreed. Anyway, I verbally assaulted the guy real bad and won but it’s not as if I’m proud of it seeing as he has to go and majorly diss my FB profile picture. But hey, I never said I was an Adonis, right?

So how’s this for rambling? I’ve got to stop now… Have a gazillion comments to drop plus my blog rounds to resume, certain strong blogging resolutions to be made, a couple of CVs and e-mails to send, stuff to reply to and then Facebook…

So to summarise, even though I didn’t really go anywhere, IT FEELS GOOD TO BE BACK!!!

Gosh!!! I’ve missed you guys! Did I say that before?

B & P 10: Aging Presenters, Music Blogs & Definitions

Hollywood, Ko… True Love, Ni… (in mixed English)
This is Naughty Eyes reporting live from the Hollywood Hills in California… OK, let me cut out the crap. I am really in Lagos (I’m loving this entertainment capital of Naija sha. With a well-positioned TV antenna, a generator and a gossipy neighbourhood, who really needs cable TV?)
So why did I start off with the California bit? Well, I saw an edition of Kenny and Dayo’s Primetime Africa show on TV recently where the (aging) presenters decided to showcase the video of Kelly Hansome’s True Love. Contrary to certain opinions, me and Kelly Bros no get wahala. Na Keke and D-1 dey vex me this time.
According to the duo, the said video was shot quote, in the Hollywood Hills in California and features the beautiful Nollywood actress, Stephanie Okereke, unquote. Na so I just balance well-well hoping to see my ex-fantasy babe play love with KH on TV. Instead Keke and D-1 just fall my hand seriously.

Guys! C’mon!! Since when did shooting a video somewhere in Enugu or wherever and adding external video clips showing aerial views of Hollywood equals to shooting the music video in Hollywood? Even me wey never go Film school sef sabi the editing trick them use for the video. Stop playing with our intelligence abeg!
To even spoil matters more, the much-touted Stephanie Okereke’s appearance consists of inserted footage from one of her recent movies, not that she featured in the music video per se! Nothing actually concerns her and Kelly Hansome in that video.
Ironically I’m really feeling Kelly Hansome on that track but to further add sand-sand to the garri, some people are accusing Kelly Boy of borrowing heavily from two of Tuface Idibia’s tracks: True Love and If Love Is A Crime. And annoyingly, KH never seems to be able to do a song without resisting the mention of Control Numbers in the lyrics.
To the Primetime “twins”, I did say this before: If your artiste doesn’t have enough money to shoot in the United States or UK or them no gree grant una visa, kindly try the cheaper South Africa option (you can ask Bigiano). This “Cut and Paste” no be am oh so you guys abeg, kindly drop the pretences and just let us enjoy good music videos, OK?

MI + HIPHOP = MUSIC
No, this isn’t Complex Algebra 101. It’s just an addition to the small but growing roll-call of A-list celeb Naija bloggers.
That’s right! MI a.k.a. Jude Abaga launched his blog a while back and it really looks promising with the 411 on his interviews, magazine covers, future shows and album launches.
MI’s foray into blogging is yet another acknowledgement of the fact that entertainers nowadays need to connect with their fans one-on-one and not just be content with album launches, shows and Radio and magazine interviews.
Here’s hoping that he has the momentum to keep up with his blogging even after his miishiphop.com website is launched which he says will come fully on-stream anytime soon.
Speaking of his albums, expect as many lyrics to his Talk About It album as you want (better yet, request any of them and I’ll put it up for you) and a review of Illegal Music once I can lay my hands on it. You can click on the link above to scope the blog out or check out our new “Groupie Love Section” blogroll on the right.

NotJustOK
The definition of “NotJustOK” on their blog says it all and these guys sure are nothing close to the ordinary. Co-run by Mola G and Ovie O. a.k.a. *O.O*, this Typepad-hosted blog (as far as I can tell) showcases the newest joints from artistes mostly of Nigerian origin and it’s not just about the songs either because you even get to see album covers, artistes’ wallpapers and photos and watch the latest videos as soon as they drop!
How these guys get their stuff hot off the press and manage to update everyday really beats my imagination and on the strength of this alone they deserved to have won at the NBAs if it had a purely music blog category. Methinks they ought to run a cable channel of their own or something!
They also have a Facebook presence too so if you’re an FB fan, you can chill out with these guys there.
One trial will surely convince you and after that you’ll never settle for anything that’s JustOK…

Something To Add To Your Dictionary
It’s official! I’m bored… Here are the latest entries in the Blogville Dictionary of Online Ninglish (pirated copy)

1. ne-mes-me-rize:
Main Entry: nemesmerize
Function: transitive verb
Inflected Form: - ized; -iz-ing
Derived From: charizing [Origin: Temite (I think…)]
Date: 2008

Definition: 1. to subject to nemesmerism
2. nemesmerism - to give exclusive mention to a blog, blogger, media, event or extra fly website on the Media Nemesis blog

Application: If I grant exclusive mention to you in a post, then consider yourself nemesmerized!

2. LMYO (or any other such derivations):
Main Entry: LMYO
Function: verb
Inflected Form: ROTFLMYO; ROTFLMYOPIMP
Derived From: Woomie’s comments [Origin: Qube (I think…)]
Date: 2009

Definition: 1. L(aughing) M(y) Y(ansh) O(ff)
Application: (Commenting after reading this hilarious post) ROTFLMYOPIMPKTFWTFME

Ok parry people, it’s time to go. In the words of a certain Ure’s estranged husband, “I sign out now!” as I go looking for something more serious to blog about.

XOXO (whatever that means…)

PS: Special shout outs to Olowo (for giving me the 411 to the M.I. blog via her “Followers” section) and to SSD (for the NotJustOK connection through her “Nigeria vs. The African Continent” music series). It’s remarkable the ways we run into some very magnificent blogs through other bloggers, don’t you think?

PPS: (Ever expanding) list of bloggers who previously had no idea what “PS” means: Afrobabe and Buttercup… At least they were gracious enough to admit it! By the way, Afrobabe’s terrorist post cracked me up like mad especially her efforts at dodging MI5. Who would have thought that behind all that sexiness lay a natural comedienne!

PPPS: I going to give 5 million Pounds sterling (Biafran) to whosoever can tell me the meaning of ROTFLMYOPIMPKTFWTFME. And yes, LG, you may use a Lifeline…

My Life’s Soundtrack - Play Ball

No, it’s not what you think. I am actually so not feeling the E.P.L. As a matter of fact, Lord knows I wouldn’t give a hoot if all the EPL teams were to morph into Agriculture clubs what with the way certain adult males (and females nowadays) run around shouting “Up Blues!” “Red Devils!” “You’ll never walk alone!” like demented kids championing their kindergarten sports houses. However in this unique wonderful track - which is my current ringtone, by the way - the talented musician Faze compares his feelings for a girl with the current fan craze for international football. With its distinctive Pidgin English lyrics, this song is the most perfect blend of Highlife horns, Reggae / Dancehall beats and Calypso-influenced steel drums I’ve ever heard. Faze is just too much! Too bad he didn’t mention Enyimba FC though…

Track: Play Ball (from the Album “Originality”)
Artiste: Faze
Transcribed by: Naughty Eyes

[Intro]
J. Sleek. (Hey!)
She dey play ball oh! (Hey!)
And she dey score goal oh!
For my heart-y oh!
And she dey give them kolo (echo)

Verse 1
(Gunners) Na you be my Arsenal for life oh
My true love no be joke, you be my wife oh
(Barca) Barcelona, you too tight oh
Etoo be Number 1, my left and right oh
(Man U.) If you be Man U., I go marry you
You be Red Devil, that’s why I gbadun you
(Chelsea) Chelsea, I too cherish you
(Up Blues, Up Blues!) You dey play no be small, I dey feel you
If you be Marseille oh, I say you dey play well
If she be Bayern Munich, I say you too unique
If she be PSG, Roma, Bonn and Lyon
You dey play well oh

[Chorus]
She dey play ball oh!
For my heart-y oh!
She dey score goal oh!
For my heart-y oh!
She dey give them kolo (echo)
She dey dribble them oh!

[Verse 2]
If you be Liver… (Liverpool), Pires you dey give me goose pimples
(You dey give me liver)
Juventus, you be Champion, lai-lai, you no go lose
(You dey make them shiver)
If you be Real Madrid, I say you too real
If she be AC Milan, you’re my Number 1 fan
If she be Inter Milan, baby I’m your main man
She dey play ball oh, you dey play ball oh
Newcastle, no ball without you
If she be Portsmouth oh, I say you get mouth
If she be Bolton oh, if she be Everton oh, and Tottenham oh
She dey tor-tory me oh (Ehn!)

Repeat Chorus

[Bridge]
Omo, na red card oh / omo, na yellow card oh / Referee, no do us ojoro /
I say na penalty oh / I say na offside oh / na Hand of God oh /
I say na free kick oh / E go knack goal oh / I say na corner kick oh /
I say na half time oh / I say na over the bar oh /
Na so! Oya, kick am! Play am! Score am!

Repeat Chorus

[Bridge 2]
Oya, kick the ball, nod the ball, chest the ball (Sangalo!)
Ok, kick the ball, nod the ball, trap the ball (Sangalo!)
Oya, kick the ball, nod the ball, chest the ball (Sangalo!)
Kick the ball, nod the ball, trap the ball (Sangalo!)

[Whistle to signal end of Game…]

Lyrics © 2008 Faze & Independent Entertainment

Mission Impossible For Mr. Incredible?

Album Review

Artiste: M.I.
Album: Talk About It (64 mins 23 secs)
Producers: Audu Maikori (Executive Producer),
Jude “MI” Abaga, Jesse “Jesse Jagz” Abaga, Kraft
Label: Chocolate City Music
Released: December 2008
Reviewed: 20th December 2008

The Intro: December 16th, 2008. Location: Ile-Ife, Osun State. These weren’t exactly the friendliest of times to be walking around a town that had experienced multiple bank robberies barely 24 hours ago. To make matters worse, this writer had on an all-black attire and carried a knapsack. Several policemen looked at him suspiciously as he trudged the streets asking questions. The Mission? To get a copy of the recently released Talk About It CD.

Those happened to be the circumstances under which I went looking for M.I. a.k.a. Jude Abaga’s over-hyped and highly anticipated album. Unfortunately, it almost turned out to be a Mission Impossible most likely because Osun State had absolutely no part in the album anticipation whatsoever. After walking up and down Ife I could only find one stained copy of the album and you can trust my Ibo cronies! The guy, banking on my desperation and tiredness, sold it for me for N150 instead of the regular 100 bucks! (The CD is now readily available in almost every part of the country).

The cover design aside (which by the way, was unimpressive probably because I’d seen a very artsy pre-release version); in popped the CD as I awaited Naija’s self-proclaimed lyrical messiah to take me to the Afro/Hip-Hop promised land. One quick spin and I must say I was fairly disappointed at first.

Ok, hold up! Before you M.I. fans tear me apart, hear me out. For one, Talk About It is an 18-tracker album made up of 13 full tracks and 5 skits inclusive of Thank You’s. FIVE skits! Hmmm… That number of intervals in a CD can - if not well handled - turn into a distraction rather than an interesting diversion.

The first, An Outrageous Intro Starring The President can be roughly termed pre-election Arnold Schwarzenegger meets post-election Yar’ Adua. Some people might find the commando-President dialogue amusing but it does step a bit too close to overkill (no pun intended). A slight correction too…Did the album drop on the December 1 launch date or September 1 as the Intro says?

After that comes Anoti, MI’s lyrical proclamation featuring Gabriel on the Yoruba-influenced hook. It’s obvious that Anoti, which some say contains lyrics from Feel E - another MI track - has a hook meant to appeal to South-Western listeners whose followership can actually make or break an album (some other artistes like Timaya on the other hand didn’t include Yoruba on their sold-out debut albums). One good point: I like the “Anoti, Anoti” chant in the song even without knowing its meaning.

MI also commands ALL the respect I can give him here especially towards the end of each verse when he spits out his attributes Twista-style. His soft-spoken lyrical flow makes this Mister Incredible, Most Immaculate Mic Inspector, MC Interrogator, Music Innovator, Mankind Illustrator knock me out flat with his rapid fire yet ice-cold wordplay.

The L Boogie skit that comes next is unnecessary except that it probably ushers in the beat for Track 4, Short Black Guy. (And meanwhile, who really is L Boogie? A Nigerian male Lauryn Hill?) SBG which is rendered in a mellow, almost whisper-mode still delivers the cold style MI has successfully made his.

Pype, notorious on Sasha’s Strong Thing single teams up with the son of the Evangelist on Teaser, a song with a lively beat. Another favourite of mine, my only beef with Teaser stems from the fact that the instrumentals and Pype’s patois delivery sometimes overlap MI’s rap lines making them difficult for me at least to grasp. A very small price to pay for a great song though.

Talk About It which happens to be the title track of the CD is basically MI’s crusade against The System. Featuring Leony, repeated syllables at the end of the bars, a silly-sounding yet delightful hook and a very professional bangin’ instrumental, this song achieves its aim as a title track as Jude “talks about it”, critically drawing our attention to the current corrupt nature of things. As Jude himself says, we dey feel you, guy!

But the real attention-grabber is the diss track, Safe. Apart from the subtle and sometimes open lyrical bashing he gives certain MC’s by borrowing, incorporating and working their lines into his lyrics, even the hook of this song can be interpreted as a subtle diss. Just hide the album cover and ask anyone around listening to guess who featured on the hook and 9 times out of 10, you’ll get the answer “Tuface”. Wrong! Djinee’s impersonation of Tuface in the hook and adlibs seems as if to rub in the fact that Tuface’s freelance style doesn’t quite require talent.

The skit before track 9 (Blaze) tagged Random Guy Buying Blaze From Dodgy Guy is avoidable still and its novelty wears off quickly. Enough said. Blaze itself features MI, his brother Jesse Jagz (another very good lyricist), Ice Prince and the female rapper, Blaise. The rap lines are way tight as usual but putting Blaise’s line towards the end with the tempo slowed down weakens the strength of her delivery and makes her inclusion unfortunately, look like an afterthought. Throwing her smack dab in the middle of the lyrical battle would have enforced her standing as a rapper equal with her male contemporaries instead of the condescending effect achieved by her seemingly slowed-down lines.

On Area, MI features his 9th guest artiste, YQ. This song, despite its fine points, does sound “commercial” - a CD track filler. Fast Money, Fast Cars which comes next chronicles the life of a high-class street-walker and features a complex beat courtesy of Kraft (Mode 9’s sidekick?) and yet another Yoruba-influenced hook by Wizkid. MI’s message in the lyrics comes across very clearly even through the forest of name-dropping. As he says towards the end, “Ashawo na ashawo no matter what you drive / You can spend your life to get money / But you can’t spend money to buy life”. Of all the songs in this CD, this one hits home hardest.

A Short Discussion On The Situation of Things By Two Yoruba Women is exactly that. The title of this skit apart from being the longest says it all actually. This by far is the best skit and despite the fact that the entire conversation is carried out in Yoruba, one still gets the sense of what is being said. Moreover, it works very well as an Intro to Money, MI’s reflections on his growing-up experiences and his efforts to make that stash. The million dollar rhetorical question asked in the simple hook is a question everyone asks almost every day: Where money dey go?

My undisputed fav song in the entire album is Forever, a love track complete with smooth, silky blends of Hip-hop and R&B vocals with an engaging drum-centric instrumental. I could write a whole review of this song alone but I won’t. It’s my BEST, period!

After that comes the predictable religious tribute Jehovah though there’s nothing typical about this starting from the beautiful recitation of Psalm 23 in the beginning, MI’s flow and the Eben and Lindsey chorus. Jehovah apart from the sincerity and depth in the message still goes to show that religious isn’t necessarily synonymous with dull. MI would mos’ def succeed as a Gospel-rap artiste if he fully toed that line.

Depth and sincerity are also evident in Hustle, a clarion call of sorts to all hustlers to “run for us, run” and even though it means getting that H-1 visa, he still urges them to eventually return because “if you don’t come back, what good have you done?” The only thing wrong with this song is its position in the playlist as it seems a bit misplaced (to my musical ear) sitting just after Jehovah. I can’t really tell what it is but the continuity effect in the CD gets lost here somehow. Well, if you have a problem with that, just use your shuffle button.

Then the Thank You’s and Ova Ish… I don’t know about you but I always let this play to the end like as if it was a full track of its own. The instrumental to “Jehovah” and the way MI takes time out to thank everybody (well, almost) while still introducing two more of his future musical projects does it for me. Novel. The way I listen to it continuously, you’d think I was expecting him to thank me on the track!

And finally, Crowd Mentality. Most people use this track as a pointer to who MI is. When I heard MI was releasing a CD, I actually said, “Oh, isn’t he that guy who sang “Crowd Mentality”? What can I say about this track that hasn’t been said already? If you’re still unsure, you can even check out the dopest lyrics ever here. If Hip-hop was a national anthem, this track is definitely one of its stanzas. I would still buy the CD even if this was the only song on it.

As an aside, it’s quite interesting the descriptive way M.I. captions his skits but my media player/MP3 converter didn’t find the lengthy full-sentence filenames funny. Never since Mya’s If You Died I Wouldn’t Cry (‘Cos I Never Loved You Anyway) have I seen song titles this long. Had to re-name one of them, “A Short Discussion” before my converter would have anything to do with it...

After the hour-plus experience that is Talk About It, is this album really worth talking to people about? I’ve got just one thing to say: What kind of question is that anyway?

If you are into Hip-hop and still haven’t gotten it, then you must have been drinking some cheap stuvvs. So what if this review pointed out a few flaws? If I had to appraise all the fine points of this album, each song would be a whole new post of its own. After this CD, I’m totally convinced I’ll be buying his “Illegal Music” and “One” projects whenever they drop.

Remember that Media player/MP3 converter I talked about earlier? I used it to convert my own copy of this album for my PC, my phone and my media player meaning that no matter where I am, anytime of the day, MI’s tracks keep blasting in my ears. I’ve got lots of music but only one other CD has that distinction.

MI’s got it down cold! This album is dope! This Abaga’s album fully deserves a 9 out of 10. Now go talk about it.

This review is done… One!

Additional Resources:
www.myspace.com/pyeriboy
http://www.chocolatecitymusic.com
www.miishiphop.blogspot.com

Esquire's dish

I’m in trouble! Ye! Mogbe o!

Public service announcement: Due to the large amount of questions thrown at esquire, he has suffered a cardiac arrest.

Well, I almost did (suffer a heart attack). Do you blame me? How am I supposed to answer all those questions? I have never been so questioned in my life! It’s like being on the hot seat, a really hot one this time around!

Well, after drinking like 20 cups, sorry, jugs of water, I managed to recuperate myself. As a sharp boy, I have decided to pull a smart one on ya’ll. The answer to all (yes, all) your questions are: ALL OF THE ABOVE!

There. I’m done. Or are you still reading? Which kain trouble be this na? NE, you’re a fool for this one! I’m never going to forgive you! Just when I thought of going on a hiatus, you decided you will fast-forward it by linking me with this ish.

Anyways, what’s a man to do than to be a man? I have decided to stand up to the challenge and answer your questions, though it may not be as witty as that of those two. (Yes, those two! They pulled a conspiracy stunt on me and left me to bear my cross all along) I’m not use to writing stylishly or in a way that will make ya’ll laugh and I know I’ve been doing a bad job already on this post but please bear with me.

Buttercup: (1) What prompted you guys to, uh, join forces? (2) Did you meet on blogville? (3) Are y'all in relationships at the moment?

Esquire: (1) Its joblessness! Or what do you think will make three young vibrant minds to come together and rant about the Nigeria media they so know nothing about? Its joblessness! That, or they are just trying to be relevant! Who cares about what they say? The Nigeria media will do what they like, however they like. Is it today that people start to talk? They are just singing “le fenu so” for us. Whew! I’m crazy right? Yeah, I know! It’s just the way I now feel about it all. Sorry if I bored you. (2) Yeah, we meet on blogville or rather he discovered me and just decided to stick with me for no reason that I can see! He’s the brother I wish I had on blogville. (3) No. Only Wo answered this question correctly, NE was just blabbering about his being single. I said no because only I and NE talk regularly and I’ve met him twice. Wo and I only talked on the phone once and that was the end, like it never happened. She’s ignoring me, I’m ignoring her. Simple.

LG: Happy blog-versary! The funny thing is mine’s also this month so that makes us ….?

Esquire: Ajo lepo niyen! (Translation: we are joined together then). Lol!

AlooFar: How would you like to save the world?

Esquire: I be Superman? I begi! On a more serious note, it’s not possible to save the world. That is like the only thing that is not possible in this world! Yes, to save it! Even God Himself cannot save us. We are His greatest mystery. He still can’t believe He created us. He is still experimenting with us; marveling at our twists and turns everyday; wondering what other foolish thing we can do. But he is the all-knowing God. He had predicted we could go out of hand, that’s why he planned a rescue mission for mankind – Annihilation!

Danny Bagucci: What one thing do you think if you changed about your world would make the most difference?

Esquire: JAMB question! Answer: My social status. I like myself, I like who I be. I like how/who God created me. I am a humble and nice person, self-gratifications apart. I would remain the same if I am a little richer than this.

Seye: (1) I see you have deleted a question. Was it a bad question? (2) If you had one wish…I WISH! What would it be? (3) What exactly keeps you going in the blog-o-cycle?

Esquire: (2) I wish I had super-powers, all sort of super-powers you could ever think of. It’ll be fun! (3) What got me started in the first place. I like writing. I like seeing my writings published. It gives me joy. Even if y’all don’t read or leave comments on my blog, I just like to publish my thoughts.

Solomon Sydelle: SERIOUS question… Shortbread or Okin Biscuit?

Esquire: I remember OKIN biscuit. Back in the days, when I was primary school, OKIN was the favorite. We were still eating OKIN during early high school days until Haansbro came with their kill-all-classics brand. So, OKIN is out of it, I’ll just settle with Shortbread.

Laide “Ex-schoolnerd”: Don’t know what to ask… here goes nothing. Are you happy?

Esquire: At the moment, yes. That’s because I am writing this.

SpicyTee: (1) How old are you? (2) What are you wearing now? (3) What makes you tick? (4) Why do you write so lengthy? (5) Where is the party?

PS: No story oh….

Esquire: (1) A lil above franchise (2) Shorts or as we call it here, boxers (3) Another JAMB question. You know what JAMB questions are? They are questions only JAMB can answer by themselves! Can you please define ‘tick’? (4) NE answered this suitably (5) www.medianemesis.blogspot.com

Ps: your questions are quirky.

Vera: (1) What is the inspiration for your name? (2) Describe a beautiful woman. What would she look like? What would she act like? What would she sound like? (3) What would you rather have: a big wedding & a short honeymoon OR a small wedding & lengthy honeymoon? (4) Who do you like better: Beyonce or Jennifer Hudson?

Esquire: (1) I adopted Esquire because I like its semantic form. However, esquire describes me - a gentleman. (2) My favorite question! A beautiful woman is one who has all the right features, in the right places, at the right proportion. Forget virtues, I’m down for looks... and features! If you are beautiful, you are beautiful. You can’t fake it. (3) It’s all-of-the-above for this question jare. I want both big wedding and lengthy honeymoon. We’ll be gone till November baby! (4) Beyonce… because I have a crush on her! Add Mary J. Blige and Ashanti and Alicia Keys to the list. But sentiments apart, like Wo said, Beyonce and Jenny aint mates, even Rihanna can’t be ranked next to B.

Rayo: Have you had or do you have serious blog crushes? Name them please…?

Esquire: Woomie O! It’s official! Do you blame me? You shouldn’t! I’m 19, she is 19. I’m single, she is ….? We are both the youngest doing this (or so I think). It’s only logical to be …? I didn’t say anything o, before you start getting ideas. But it’s just what it is – a non-serious blog crush (if there is anything like that).

Esquire: Questions please.

Since there's no more questions, I'm out!

Oya, Make We Answer…

Or rather, make me and Woomie answer first. Albeit almost a week late!

My, my, my… We asked for it, didn’t we? Good thing you guys didn’t seize the opportunity to hammer us with some really probing questions oh… I was mighty scared thinking someone would ask those going-red-in-the-face type questions (note to self: next time don’t promise to answer anything)

Thanks to those of you who did ask (special shout out Buttercup! Little did I imagine we’d start receiving questions even before the Anniversary) and like they say opportunity does come but once so if you didn’t take the chance to ask for our photographs, well what can I say…

Obviously, in line with the current re-branding exercise, my two partners-in-crime seem to have re-branded their tickle buttons, making them difficult to find so anyways, I’ll put up our answers first then Esquire will come in later with his so do check back for updates.

I did promise we’d answer honestly so without much ado, let the Interrogation, sorry questioning begin!

Buttercup: (1) What prompted you guys to, uh, join forces? (2) Did you meet on blogville? (3) Are y'all in relationships at the moment?

NE: (1) Uh, to form Voltron? Ok, just kidding… Actually, I invited Woomie to join because in my opinion she has a great personality plus she’s also a great writer and she expressed her views concerning TV so well in a comment she wrote. Esquire on the other hand has the same qualities and is very good when it comes to music.
(2) Yes, we all met on Blogville though I’ve also met Woomie once and Esquire twice in real life and they’re so, so nice! I don’t regret I did one bit.
(3) I speak for myself on this one. Sadly, no I’m chronically single. I’m still searching frantically but no one dey give me face so I just dey maintain. If it goes for anything sha, I do have MASSIVE crushes on certain female bloggers though…

Woomie: (4) Am I in a relationship with Jon Xaiver? Nah. Come to think of it sef, Jon, why haven't you 'toasted' me??? lol. I have met him only once, but then there're phone conversations once in a while. We have what I call a 'healthy' friendship.

LG: Happy blog-versary! The funny thing is mine’s also this month so that makes us ….?

NE: Simple… That makes us (you and me) ONE! ***wink, wink***

AlooFar: How would you like to save the world?

Woomie: From what? eh!@? From what? Aloofar??? From runaway bloggers like you??? Please Please Please, I'm still not talking to you. Come back!!! Or at least explain why you're leaving.

NE: Actually, not very much thank you! Ok, I could spout lines about how through super-heroism or ecological protection or by loving the world one person at time I could achieve world salvation but honestly, that’s so not true. Moreover, the Son of God actually did a better job of it than I could ever try to…

Danny Bagucci: What one thing do you think if you changed about your world would make the most difference?

NE: Truly? My low self-esteem. If I had learnt to believe in myself a whole lot more when I was younger, I’m sure my world would have been a whole lot different by now.

Woomie: Danny, I thought real hard about this question. What would matter most is if the way people see me changed, first they see me as a person, then as a woman. If I changed into a man, it would make a major difference.
Note: I haven't considered this craziness...ever! Women R.O.C.K.!!!

Seye: (1) I see you have deleted a question. Was it a bad question? (2) If you had one wish…I WISH! What would it be? (3) What exactly keeps you going in the blog-o-cycle?

NE: (1) I NEVER delete comments except the spam ones. Guess someone sent in a question twice and probably deleted the comment themselves…
(2) Ha! Been answering this one since I read fairy tales as a kid. Simple… I’d wish for uncountable wishes! However free, fast, unlimited internet access does come close.
(3) I’m not sure what keeps me in the blog-o-cycle, actually. I think of throwing in the towel countless times especially when I write something serious and get no comments but occasionally, when I look at my Feedjit feed it’s reassuring to know someone out there is reading. That must be it.

Woomie: (2) I would wish for a million more wishes, one wish doesn't cover everything I want, for myself and the people I care about. But if that was impossible I'll just wish for God to take away all the evil in the world.
(3) Blogville is the one place where I've found real people, down to earth, generous-with-sincere-advice kinda people. People care in blogville, even if they don't, at least they pretend to and it's what matters. The anonymity intrigues me. There's you and Jon Xaiver and Buttercup and Afrobabe miles apart, yet we can talk and share ideas and laugh and cry together and just be ourselves. I can be anything I want to be here in blogville and no one sits in total judgment of me, when something good or bad happens, I want to rush and tell my people here, when I want to laugh I know where to go. It's the circle of friends that we have here, the sincerity and the surprise that it's even possible that keeps me going.
We've got some wonderful people here.

Solomon Sydelle: SERIOUS question… Shortbread or Okin Biscuit?

Woomie: Mehn! Solomonsydelle, you've got the wierdest question. Okin (four corner) anyday anytime. They stopped selling it around and I miss it a lot.

NE: SERIOUS answer… Shortbread. Believe me, I’ve eaten enough Okin to last a lifetime. But seriously, Madam Solo, you astound me! You KNOW Okin???

Laide “Ex-schoolnerd”: Don’t know what to ask… here goes nothing. Are you happy?

NE: No. Reason? I know I have the potential to be the Best in everything yet I hardly do anything to tap that potential. It kills me inside everyday. That’s just one reason.

Woomie: I cannot say I'm sad, that would be ungrateful of me. But I definitely could be happier. There are so many voids to fill, so many places to go, so many things to do, a million and one unspoken words. I could be happier, but I am grateful for life(in the true meaning of the word), for laughter, for my job, for one or two friends, for my family...I am happy about these things. I am happy.

SpicyTee: (1) How old are you? (2) What are you wearing now? (3) What makes you tick? (4) Why do you write so lengthy? (5) Where is the party?
PS: No story oh….

NE: (1) Football age: 29
(2) Shorts only. It’s 4:22 am right now yet the Lagos temperature is HOT!
(3) I dunno… I guess I could say God, love, meeting people, the belief that I’m unique, my innate potentials, etc, etc
(4) Expression. Or even better, Wealth of Expression. I don’t belong to the one-sentence-on-your-Facebook-wall Brigade and I believe some things are best expressed in a free-flowing lines. It’s just like a good book or movie you sit down with despite the length. I still have to learn how to summarise though… Would you like to teach me? **wink, wink**
(5) Blogville Hall (next door to Planet One) he he!!!
PS: 5 questions yet no story?

Woomie: (1) I’ll be twenty years young on the fourth of July.
(2) A pink shirt and a pencil skirt. I’m at work.
(4)Eeerm…this’s Xaiver’s question, not mine.
(5) The party is over luv!!!

Vera: (1) What is the inspiration for your name? (2) Describe a beautiful woman. What would she look like? What would she act like? What would she sound like? (3) What would you rather have: a big wedding & a short honeymoon OR a small wedding & lengthy honeymoon? (4) Who do you like better: Beyonce or Jennifer Hudson?

Woomie: (2) I think physical beauty is overrated. I don’t care about the hips, the hair or the skin. I care about the mind…I love a beautiful mind.
(3) A small wedding and a lenghty honeymoon mehn!!!...a lifelong honeymoon actually.
(4) I like Beyonce better...she is a D.I.V.A. and Jenny is too, but she and Beyonce ain't mates mehn!!!

NE: (1) LOOOOONG story. Anyway, here goes… The “4 Eyes” moniker stuck on me ever since I started wearing glasses and since I have multiple personalities, I assigned an “eye” to each one. Weird huh? Well, once while commenting on a photo of a Naija celebrity in which one of her nipples was very visible, I started with the words: “I spy with my Naughty Eye, something starting with ‘N’” and from there, the four N eyes were born.
The rest are nicknamed Natty, Nutty and Nemesis but I prefer just the Naughty one nowadays.
(2) A beautiful woman is just that: beautiful. Not merely physical, mark you (not that I would mind that) but I do actually love a beautiful brain and character more. So she doesn’t have to look beautiful, she should act decent (with a dash of the devil sprinkled in sometimes) and as for her speech, so long as she can keep me otherwise occupied, she can say whatever she likes…
(3) Well, how about a very small wedding and a life-long honeymoon? Ah! Woomie, I chose my answer first oh!!!
(4) Ain’t really got much “like” for celebs but after watching Dreamgirls I think I prefer Jennifer Hudson better (also I seem to be having something for big-bodied women nowadays). The celeb I like best though goes by the name of Vera.

Rayo: Have you had or do you have serious blog crushes? Name them please…?

NE: YES! Names? In no particular order: SpicyTee, LG, Woomie, Vera, Ex-schoolnerd, Bombchell, Fantasy Queen, Badderchic, Bumight, Lil’ Woman, Buttercup, Funmi Iyanda, Afrobabe, Princesa, et cetera, et cetera and you too, Rayo dear… Need I say more?

Woomie: When I was new in blogville...I had a crush on The Whisperer. I hope he never reads this...it was he who encouraged me to start blogging. But that's all it was sha.

PS: Well, well… This was fun and I’m already looking forward to our second blog-versary. Here’s hoping ALL you guys will still be around then so we can do this again.

Take care and have a GREAT weekend!

Peace!

It’s Question Time: On The Eight of March…

…roughly 365 days ago, I put up my very first post on this blog! Yay!!!! Today is actually my very first blog-versary (or whatever they call it) so I’m raving MAD as in STARK BONKERS at the moment!!! For someone who never celebrates anniversaries, I don’t know why this one has been shacking me pass LG and ogogoro combined for the past 2 WEEKS!!!

No, it wasn’t my first foray into blogging (I had actually started a personal blog sometime earlier which I later scrapped - then started again, then scrapped) and my profile reads I joined Blogger in February 2008, meaning that for the first few weeks I thought and thought and thought of what my first salvo on this blog would be.

I did have the Sasha album review already laced out but I felt it would be bad form jumping the gun like that so what did my crazy ass do? I went ahead to do an imaginary interview with myself!

Looking back at those early posts, the zero comments (I almost cried when I got the very first one) and the philosophies and ideals I started off with, it sometimes shames me to see how differently I’ve evolved in just a year, I don’t know why…

Anyway, towards the end of that post, I wrote that anyone who had any serious questions to ask could mail me via any of my two e-mail addresses but that’s so old-school now. And so in line with a new way of marking anniversaries that will soon be the norm as practiced by Charizard and of late, Vera here’s what I’m going to do.

I’m giving any blogger who’s interested anyway, the chance to leave comments asking me any question (and I mean any, not even one that’s remotely serious) on anything you’ve ever wanted to ask me and I promise to answer them as honestly as I possibly can. Moreover, since my questioners might actually be few, there’s no actual limit at all to the number of questions you can ask.

Here’s also another really sweet part: You don’t have to ask only I, Naughty Eyes, the questions. Yes! You can ask the entire Editorial Team (that’s including Esquire and Woomie O!) any questions and they too will be sure to answer them (I’ll force them to if they don’t… I know all their tickle buttons!)

So here’s hoping you join us in making our day extra-special by asking any really funny, witty or I-just-want-to-know questions you can come up with and I tell you, we can’t wait to start typing the juicy answers!

I’ll let this run for a week then I hope to put up the answers in my next post coming up on the 16th. Meanwhile, I’ve got a poolside party to attend with all my female blog crushes so you can bribe me if you want to make the ever-expanding guest list. (OK, I’ll even invite some correct guys too…)

PS: By the way, still copying Vera’s tradition, I will be accepting flowers, cakes, love letters, perfumes and cards so do feel free to give them to me in person or via my e-mail addresses (both of them do work but Yahoo keeps transferring all my cakes to the Spam Bin). All other congratulatory messages should be aired on the TV or Radio!

Gotta bounce now…

Today’s a WONDERFUL day for us. We hope it is the same for you too…

Religious Stupidity And Other Such (Newspaper) Utterances

In one of the opening scenes of The Rock, one of my all-time favourite movies, Nicholas Cage’s character, Dr. Stanley Goodspeed takes a day off work, sits down at home with a guitar and contemplates the justification of raising -- not to talk of having -- children in such an evil world.

You can’t blame him really for having such “un-African” thoughts. A short while ago, he just frantically defused a chemical weapon that almost claimed not just his life but those of his colleagues as well. The bomb in question came disguised as, of all things, a baby doll.

Recently, while going through The Guardian Newspapers of Tuesday, February 24th, I have thought these same thoughts. Is this the kind of Nigerian society I would like to raise my future kids to see?

Violence Escalates In Bauchi, CAN seeks emergency ruleAdmittedly, I had no previous idea that there was on-going sectarian violence in Bauchi State not to mention the fact that it went on for 2 days before making the papers. Equally annoying (to me at least) was also the fact that there was no official Federal Government pronouncement on the issue. It was as if what was going on in Bauchi wasn’t happening at all.

Once again, commonsense became a non-existent commodity as my dear brothers and sisters went on rampage killing, maiming and destroying the toil and sweat of their fellow common men all in the name of religion and a church’s parking space during a Friday Jumat service.

My fellow country-people, where are our senses? When will we learn that the only ones we hurt when we carry out murder and arson in the name of the Almighty are we ourselves? Time after time, the leaders of different religious sects come out publicly to tell us that none of their tenets endorse such incessant cycles of violence and yet none can explain to us how come they are incapable of restraining their followers from taking the laws into their own hands.

When you burn your pensioner neighbour’s house built at the expense of the sweat of his 35 years of meritorious service or you kill the akara seller’s 25-year old son all in the name of exacting revenge for your Creator whose Commandments explicitly forbid the very act, I can then only wonder as to the wisdom of these our counterfeit religiosities or the sanity of we its followers.

Equally frightening was CAN’s proposed bill to the National Assembly that Nigerians aged 21 and above be granted the legality of obtaining weapons for defense against violent attacks by miscreants. My people, in these days when my dear country is unsure of who defines a miscreant or what constitutes self-defense, does it make any sense to further give insanity a license?

It is shocking, says PDP
The shock in question in this instance arising from the fact that the political party lost its governorship seat in Ondo State to Dr. Olusegun Mimiko in an Appeal Court judgment. Normally, I am not one to trade issues on politics but a statement credited to PDP’s national publicity Secretary, Prof. Rufai Ahmed Alkali, does make for interesting reading. While commenting on the issue, Alkali has this to say, and I quote:

“While our faith in the judiciary remains unwavering, we are deeply concerned with the trend of judgments, some of which breed unnecessary tension and instability. It is our belief that the uncertainties that characterize some of these judgments do not augur well for the sustenance of our democracy.”

Correct me if I’m wrong but is Prof. Alkali implying that the judiciary ought to rule in favour of a governorship aspirant whose party was accused of corrupt electoral practices just so as to avoid breeding “unnecessary tension and instability” as Alkali puts it?

Between me and Prof. Alkali, one of us seems to be getting our Law Logic 101 mixed-up because I fail to see how an Appeal Court overturning a fraudulent decision to favour the people’s choice in Ondo and other states with disputed election results “doesn’t augur well for the sustenance of democracy”.

Is Alkali thus suggesting that by allowing governors who rig elections to hold on to illegal mandates, our fledgling nascent democracy (a term I dislike) is further nurtured and strengthened? One would have thought that the imposition of a corrupt governorship candidate is the very thing that “breeds unnecessary tension” and definitely does not “augur well for the sustenance of democracy”.

I think it’s high time PDP and all other political parties as well realize that it isn’t the number of governorship seats they win that matter but how well their elected governors represent the interests of the common man they all swore to serve and protect on their Swearing-In days. And how transparent the process that got them there was in the first place…

Akpabio seeks capital punishment for kidnappers
Akwa Ibom State Governor, Godswill Akpabio stated during the child dedication of his Special Assistant on Projects Monitoring that plans are underway by his state government to send a bill that makes kidnapping punishable by death for passage into law.

I have just one thing to say to this and it’s no different from what I said on the proposed self-defense bill: given our tendency for adjusting Dictionary definitions to suit our meanings, who then gets to define the meaning of the word kidnapping?

Not surprising in a nation whose Police is yet to give proper definitions to the terms: bail and rape. Or what should constitute your vehicle particulars…

Vision 2020 still a mirage, says governor
Yet another statement from a Governor, this time Anambra State’s Peter Obi who said this while delivering a lecture at NIPSS Kuru. Inasmuch as I agree with Obi’s utterances concerning the futility in the 2020 dream especially due to the lack of implementation of any of its policies, I find an excerpt from Gov. Obi’s lecture to be very revealing.

While comparing Ghana and Nigeria, Obi said that recently, there was a public outcry in Ghana over that country’s Speaker’s planned $16, 000 - funded, 3-weeks holiday which compelled the Speaker to return the money. Now here’s the interesting part:

Obi said, “If it were in Nigeria, nobody would raise any alarm. In fact, it was not even up to the amount of money Nigeria(n) public servants give to their girlfriends.”

Kindly notice that the emphasis on part of the above quote is mine. I’m not so sure about the “raising an alarm” bit of it but I have no doubt in my mind that Obi should be familiar with the implications of the “girlfriend allowance” part of his statement seeing that as one of Nigeria’s topmost public servants, he also belongs to the group he just so self-righteously fingered…

In Conclusion...
While many may not share my views on the above, I do feel apprehensive about these examples of rudder-lessness we continuously display for our children to copy through our utterances and actions -- or the lack thereof. Are these highlighted statements above the issues I would want my kids to keep in mind whenever they sing that part of the national anthem where it says: “The labours of our heroes past shall never be in vain”?

Constantly I ask myself the same question they shall ask of us then: what “labours”? What are we doing now to make this country one which they can boast of and say they are “Proudly Nigerian” then?

On a lighter note, it wasn’t all Doomsday material in the papers. There were the Art pages partly focusing on the Society of Nigeria Artists’ elections beginning on page 116, a piece on the dignity of the courts written by Babatunde Raji Fashola, SAN (no other) and two rather remarkable Letters to the Editor on page 20. Both concerned past military leaders but the more interesting one was Nkeiruka Abanna’s “Letter to Gen. Murtala Muhammed” which had this rather thought-provoking statement concerning the Nigerian Youth:

“The youth, whether learned or not have lost their psyche, evolving into criminals smarter than any security operatives, taking crime to the next level while mothers wonder if these criminals trying to out-do each other lived in their wombs for nine months”

One moot point the above statement did miss was that the mothers (surprisingly) still tie the lace and wear the gele these criminals buy, abi? Thought for another post…

Also of note was the Rotary Club of Lagos’ donation of free medical check-up to 500 people, the kick-off of Brazil’s Carnival by quote, dancers and drum bands marching behind topless, sequined beauties, unquote and the beginning of the Lenten period marked by Ash Wednesday.

And not forgetting my current area of specialization, the Vacancies…

B & P 9: Paparazzi vs. Glitterati, Onyeka Onwenu and Tantalize-hers

Between Niyi, Linda, Dele & Omowunmi

When the paparazzi fight the glitterati, you can be sure that what gets thrown around won’t be confetti. Blogville is becoming an extremely fascinating neighbourhood just like our own backyards and sometimes it’s very interesting to look out of our kitchen windows to see which neighbours are fighting.

Where am I headed this time? Well, those of you who visit Niyi Tabiti’s blog (GREAT blog by the way) and Linda Ikeji’s (GREAT chick by the way) would have noticed the quick war of words that went on last week. They’ve both resolved the issue now and I know its stale gist but no-one ever tires of hearing the story of a big fight, abi?

For those of you who don’t know, trouble started when Niyi granted an interview to a young dude during The Future Awards event who claimed he and Omowunmi Akinnifesi (everybody sabi her now? Na she dey picture) were getting married soon. Omowunmi (the real Omo-sexy in my opinion) when asked by Mr. Paparazzi, didn’t say anything to support or refute the claim so chikena! He went ahead to publish his story. And that’s when the dam bust!

Enter Linda, who then jumps into the fight with a post in which (in Niyi’s opinion) she lampoons the entire Nigerian entertainment media. Niyi, quick to the trigger, returned the service with a full backhand in a reply post which chronicled one of his experiences as Linda’s publicist and how several celebrities have denied relationships that turned into… ahem… deeper relationships and marriages. (He also gave us an insight into where Linda’s flat is located and what she does there! LOL!!!)

Anyway, all the parties have now settled, we now know Dele Fasan was an engagement-impostor and Omowunmi is still single (YIPEEE!!!!).

Personally, I feel there is a teeny-weeny little bit more to this story oh! My smallest toe (my gossip alarm) is tingling seriously! Then, I also want to know where that Dele Fasan of a guy is hiding now. Some people might be targeting the guy for some serious brushing but personally I think we all need to buy him a round of beer. After all it’s not easy to become an instant celebrity in Nigeria just like that. We too plenty…

If I was him, no shaking me for do the same thing. From now on, I am going to start targeting celebrities to marry on the Red Carpet like no man business. Oya! Onyeka Onwenu, Eucharia Anunobi, Empress Njamah and (my personal, full-breasted favourite) Mercy Johnson, where una dey?

Speaking of Onyeka Onwenu…

I saw her anchoring Zain’s latest Talent Reality TV show, “Don’t Forget The Lyrics!” (yes, yet another one…Sigh…). For those of you who never watched Black & White television back in the days, Onyeka Onwenu (who’s also referred to as “The Elegant Stallion” - before anyone accuses me of having a dirty mind, I didn’t coin that!) is a songstress-extraordinaire whose hit love-song “You and I” was probably the reason some of you were born in the first place. Not too long ago she decided to hitch her train with Nollywood, appearing in flicks and now she’s a TV host.

The babe-woman was totally smashing in the skinny jeans and blouse she wore during the Ibadan screening of the talent show that set off her pear-shaped figure so well even my sister complimented her (ladies, beware my sister’s tongue). Surprising because Ms. O’s old enough to be something close to my mother’s younger sister’s age (but abeg, since when did it become a crime to admire better thing/person?) I wonder where that fashion article I read somewhere got the idea that skinny jeans is a no-no for senior babes because it made them look like O.B.Y. (Old But Young)?

On the flip side, Zain’s “Don’t Forget The Lyrics!” is a reality show that doesn’t necessarily judge the voice of the contestants (for a change) but how well they can remember the lyrics of popular tracks in the music category of their choice (see more details below).

Gongo Aso @ The Ibadan Screening

What was the most popular track chosen for contestants at the Ibadan screening? Yep! You guessed right… It was 9ice’s Gongo Aso. The performances were entertaining but I wondered why the choice of that very popular song for the contestants. Is there any Yoruba guy out there that honestly doesn’t know the lyrics to that song? Come to think of it, even Ibo guys know it as well (as for Aboki them, me I no know o!)

It was 9ice (pun intended) seeing the lyrics of the song scroll on the screen though especially one very tricky part I’ve been wounding lyrically for some time now. How could I have guessed that what he was actually singing was “Moet nlo, Hennessey nlo, Bacardi nlo, ohhhhh!!!?” Zain, thank you jare! While we’re at it, can I have the lyrics to “4Kasibe” too? Too hard? OK, what of Femi Kuti’s “Bang, Bang Bang”? Or Zulezoo’s “Kerewa”?

Ehen, back to the gist. My best performance? It was by one guy like that (I always forget guys’ names) who combined 9ice’s lyrics with Klint Da Drunk’s dance steps to produce a new style. Even Onyeka had to dub him “Klint Da 9ice”!

And ahem… ahem… Naija gals are very, very fine o! I mean, check out the fine Ibo babe with the dyed hair and killer glasses whose name is the title of an oldtime highlife track (Osondiowendi). The Asa-wannabe who said she performs at the Premier Hotel, Ibadan told everyone Asa was her role model and yet managed to fluff the second verse of “Jailer”. Or is the chick that did a duet with Onyeka? Abeg, if anybody knows Busola who is a student in Ibadan and who appeared on the Zain show, please tell her I’ll pay 50K sharp-sharp just to get her number. Her face, her voice, her smile, her white blouse with green patterns, her formings sef, all na die! That girl drove me NUTS, men!!!

Interestingly, a third girl, Tega said she studies Wildlife in Ibadan (GROWLLLLLL!!!) And by the way, can someone explain to me how come I can remember all the girl’s names?

And 14th February passes…

Finally! The dreaded day of love has gone by leaving a few earthquakes behind. (Hint: Afrobabe went from “It’s complicated” to being “Single”. Don’t ask me how or why but the news made me a bit happy sha!).

Interestingly, the day was celebrated in Osogbo, the Osun state capital, a little bit differently this year. The difference? Well a new outlet of the Tantalizers Fast Food franchise opened in Osogbo some time shortly before Lovers’ Day. Smart idea on the part of the restaurateurs - at least they launched just in time to catch the love-is-in-the-air market.

Apart from a few other smaller outlets, Tantalizers’ launch brings to two the number of places you can take your sugar-mummies and sugar-daddies to (did I neglect the kids? Sorry…). Mr. Biggs, which has been operating alone for quite a while now, was the first.

Now before those reading this think I have shares in both outlets or that this is a paid advert, no you’re wrong on both counts (I actually don’t like fast-food by the way, I think it’s way too over-priced).

I only mention it in passing because the word “Tantalizers” has now been added to the Osogbo people’s Lexicon of Forming. Heard one girl ask another one as she got on a bike where she was going to when that day of all days was Valentine’s Day.

The responder didn’t hesitate to tell her questioner (loud enough so we all could hear) that she was going to check out the latest fast-food joint.

She called it “Vulcanizers”!!!

Remain posted…

Peace!

Photo Credits: Omowunmi Akinnifesi/Niyi Tabiti (Niyi Tabiti’s blog)