JonXavier Tells All: A VERY LOOOONG Tale of Facts And Questions

Hello peeps!
Ever since I announced I was open to interviews right from my very first few posts, I’ve been waiting for you all out there to do a “21 Questions” thingy on me. What do I get since then? SILENCE!
So mainly inspired by Buttercup’s 10 Facts About Me, Woomie’s Layers Survey, and the Charizard & Buttercup Exam 101 Solutions, here are my own 17 Facts About ME (since nobody’s interested in finding out about me, I am interested in finding out about me!):

1. I am ambidextrous (or rather, I like to think I am)

It’s just a big word that means the ability to use both hands with equal ease. Of course, since I’m not a natural-born southpaw, I’ve had to train my left hand to be almost as good as the right. It’s still the weaker hand though and my handwriting with it is totally disastrous but I’m still working hard to make it just as good as the right. That’s just in case (you never know) anything happens to the right hand, by the way.

Interestingly, Woomie is really ambidextrous.

2. I wear glasses

Yep! The really, really THICK kind (E never reach Coca-Cola bottle levels yet but e remain small). I’ve had myopia for most of my life but I started wearing glasses only about 10 years ago. Ironical because my eyesight used to be very good at an early age (I used to sit in the back of the class then) but latter years saw me coming closer and closer to the board.

Also ironically too, I lost a whole lot of potential friends in University because some of them just couldn’t believe that when they waved at me, I didn’t wave back because I didn’t see them! Some still think I’m a snob till now.

3. I am a Liberal Catholic

That’s actually the way I state my religion. I was born and raised with a good Catholic background but the effects have worn off with the temptations of youth and the passage of time. Right now I’m at the stage of my life when I’m really starting to question things and study theologies I’ve always taken for granted since birth.Don’t get me wrong. I’m not trying to find out if these things are wrong, I’m just trying to find how they are right. Let’s just say I’m on the long road to religious re-discovery right now.

Oh, and I don’t care if my friends are Anglican, Protestant, Methodist, Muslim or Sango worshippers. I believe we will ALL somehow find GOD together.

4. I LOVE GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS I DO ADORE (you can thank Jay-Z for that one…)

In case you don’t know, I’m just CRAZY about them! Tall, fat, short, slim, wharrrreva! God made them right and then put them in my line of sight. Of course, I like them the beautifuller they come and it’s a definite plus if she has a very rich mind / sound intellect as well. And she mustn’t be much too overweight because I’d like her to still look presentable after having our 4 kids. (Don’t get it twisted. I really don’t mind fat girls though I’ve found a few of them tend to be a tad insecure despite being very smart most of the time).

And I don’t mind short girls too. They are very “portable” and tend to be prettier while tall girls possess those long legs I’m always dying for.

Sigh… I really don’t know what I want but I love you all anyway. Fat, short, slim, you all are just so, so, so cuddly!

5. I’m S-I-N-G-L-E!

Despite what I’ve said about loving girls and all that, I’m very single, chronically so. Matter of fact, I’ve been on me own for 3 whole years now! Let’s just say I discovered heartbreak is one hell of a pain I don’t like dealing with and I’m not the type that does one night stands though I’ve been tempted once in a while.

It’s a tough struggle but I guess I’m more committed to the dating-for-life thing than to just hop in and out. And my being single is not for lack of trying. I’ve boldly asked 3 very wonderful ladies to go out with me in those 3 years and the answer has been N.O.!

Two other ladies wanted flings but I just wasn’t interested.

6. I’m poor and insecure… and frank about it too

That’s the honest truth. I think my financial status is actually supposed to belong to Nigeria’s rapidly-disappearing middle class but my money hardly measures up to my needs nowadays so I tag myself poor. Of course I’m on the hustle to change all that but it’s difficult running a honest hustle in these times. And I just happen to like honesty.

The insecurity bit comes with the poverty and as for being frank; I just frankly told you guys I’m poor didn’t I? I’m very frank about most things, I hate sugar-coating and beating around the bush which I feel are a waste of time and energy anyway.

7. I’m VERY plain

Sequel to 6 above, I’m plain. Matter of fact, very ordinary. There’s nothing ruggedly handsome about my looks or my wallet for that matter and I don’t dress like I stepped out of GQ or Hip-Hop World Magazine either. I’m not the type that walks into a room and lights it up; as it is, you could walk into that room and miss me. I’m just good plain old ME.

Of course I could be very exciting / passionate / funny when I set my mind to it but those moods are rare and far in between so maybe that’s why I’m always attracted to popular, vibrant types. Or maybe I’m just not meeting the right people…

8. I dalk fuddy (talk funny)

When I spoke with a certain Blogger for the first time, she actually asked me if I speak out of my nose! Yeah, I talk like that. I can’t pronounce anything that has an ‘R’ or ‘L’ in it properly (words like “pronounce” and “properly”). And every other word sounds like I’m putting an ‘N’ before it!

Oddly, it seems to be getting worse as I grow older or maybe it’s because I’m noticing it more. Kids can be heartless most times but I don’t really recall getting teased much when I was in Primary school. And in Secondary School I used to be scared to need out nowd in knass (read out loud in class). As you can guess, I’ve turned out to be a very quiet person.

So I don’t do public speaking, I’m usually silent in the midst of more than one person and I’ll never be a broadcaster.

There’s even a Knock-knock joke specially dedicated to people of my kind:

“Knock, knock”

“Who’s there?”

“Adolph”

“Adolph who?”

“A dolf ball hid me in the node and I can’t dalk properdy”

It’s not all that bad though. After all, I’ve got an accent!

9. I’m a GOOD listener (no, make that a GREAT listener)

At least most of my friends agree with me on this one. I even admit I am. I’m not the kind of person that tells you I’m too busy to listen to you when you call and even when I do, I usually reschedule and call back later. Maybe partly out of this, I’ve had to listen to my fair share of disagreeable people in my life.

Being a good listener, though an asset with the feminine kind does sometimes have its odd moments. A chick once came to pour out her litany of boyfriend woes in my ear even though I’d told her earlier I was very tired. After dozing off in the midst of the sermon, I awoke later only to see her sitting in the same spot still talking. Weird!

10. I think for a living. And I multi-task easily too

As Woomie once said, I think I think for a living. I think I use 90% of my brain, I’m always thinking even in my sleep! Movie scripts, plays, possible music videos I’d shoot if I was directing, songs, I imagine everything in bright living colours. My brain is a 24/7 media empire. I’m always bursting full of I.D.E.A.S.!

These mental gymnastics also enable me carry out several tasks all at the same time without each one interfering with the other. For example, I could be gisting with you and listening attentively to the radio at the same time. Or typing on my PC and watching Ikechukwu’s “Wind Am Well” on the TV with equal rapt attention. Or my favourite: reading a great book with great music blasting in my ear. There are so many other examples I could give here.

Sometimes keeping up with my train of thoughts can be Herculean for my friends and they do get irritated with me from time to time. Sadly, only my mom understands me.

11. I believe 2 and 2 is equal to 22

Once again blame my over-worked brain for this one. I always seem to have a suspicious mind and I believe almost everything I hear of people (except my friends of course!) Don’t blame me. Having lived almost 30 years on Planet Earth, I’m very much aware that fact is always stranger than fiction.

Of course my 22-mindset has been very useful in smoking out who and who are having secret relationships even if they deny it vehemently but sometimes the most ridiculously open piece of juicy scandal does manage to escape my notice.

12. I don’t have eyes at the back of my head but I’ve got the ears of a witch

Contrary to the notions of my niece and several people that know me, I don’t have eyes at the back of my head. Some of them just don’t understand how I sometimes know very well what’s going on behind me. Let me reveal my secrets.

First, people tend to believe I can only see out of my glasses. How very wrong they are! By one of nature’s freaky quirks, I happen to have relatively good peripheral vision so if you’re making faces at me or trying to hide something out of my line of sight, good chances are I going to catch you.

Secondly, I have the ears of a witch. My ex couldn’t figure out how I could pay her so much attention without skipping a beat in our conversation and yet still later tell her all the gossip going on at the other tables in a restaurant. And it’s amazing the things people discuss when they think you can’t hear them. I guess I chalk up my wonderful eavesdropping talent to that my 24/7 brain I told you of earlier.

Thirdly, I reason very fast. When I hear people speak or I read their characters (which I do very well) I can very easily predict what they will do once they think I’m not watching.

And lastly, it’s my glasses again. They’re anti-reflects and their coating is such that depending on the lighting and how I look, I can actually see reflections of people behind me. Very handy in spotting when someone’s planning a sneak attack on you or if an invigilator is trying to creep behind you to catch you cheating!

13. I’m the World’s BIGGEST PROCRASTINATOR

I wanted to write something about my procrastinating, but I think I’ll do that later…

14. I watch each movie a minimum of 4 times (except the really bad ones of course...)

First of all, there’s the Casual View, then the Appreciation View, after that the Director’s Cut View and finally the Critic’s View. I’ve even been known to watch “Armageddon” and “Pretty Woman” 20-plus times and still counting.

15. I LOVE entertainment with all my soul

After God, my family, my friends and myself of course… If not, why the hell am I anchoring this blog?

16. I’m Human (So contrary to popular opinion, I ain’t a R.O.B.O.T!)

After all is said and done, that’s what I really am: human. I’m never ashamed to cry or too self-conscious to laugh. I dream, I plan, I practice, I laze about, I succeed, I fail woefully, I fall, I rise again, I fall sick, I recover, I love, I try hard not to break hearts, I shall die, right now I LIVE!

Life is hard but it is fun and I’m not taking any quick way out. There’s no one like me and there will never be. And I’m going to fully experience this one chance I’ve got and show the world just what they’ll be missing when I’m gone.

And as Nas said, “All I need is one mic…”

17. And I’m not afraid to D.R.E.A.M.

And I dream B.I.G. too! I’m not talking about all those crappy stuff our minds come up with at night after a stressful day (which I always forget as soon as I wake up). I’m talking REAL BIG DREAMS. Dreams of my future, my wife, my kids, the legacies I’d like to leave behind when I die (and the loot I’ll leave for my wife and kids as well), everything! I’m just like Trey Songz on that his track “Just Gotta Make It”. All I got is a dollar and a dream and some days I don’t even have that dollar but I’m still dreaming anyway.

To all people of like mind out there: I’ll keep dreaming on, and you’re welcome to share in my dreams anytime…After all a fool at 40 is a fool forever and I ain’t 40 yet.

PS: After this, I’m very much tempted to do a 21 Questions-type interview on certain Bloggers. You guys are just so secretive sometimes, the paparazzi in me wants to smoke you out. And where else is better to start than from my V.I.P. posse.So Woomie, Esquire, Charizard & Buttercup, Aloofar, Lady Koko, Lolu-Kush, Rayo and all the million others that aren’t listed there, I know you guys have done similar things like this before but just you get ready to face the 21 Question Nemesis!

Buhahahahahaha!

PPS: To all the hardcore MN readers, sorry for the lack of reviews. I’m still suffering from Reviewers’ Block but rest assured I’m going to see the doctor tomorrow. He says my condition is critic-al.