Sunday, September 28, 2008

On A Sad Note: A Litany Of Woes

Tears In My Eyes
It was too much. It was just too much. Even my FaceBook status message said as much …

Just when I thought the week before the last two was a very shitty one, the past two weeks have turned out to be even shittier. For lack of words to describe my feelings, let me borrow the words of my friend Woomie as quoted in one of her posts:

“This past week, I have swallowed approximately four truck loads of shit…deep shit. Soon, I’ll be unable to take it anymore, not one more drop or I’d just burst. When I do burst, it won’t be all the ingested shit, flesh and blood that will be splashed. No. All that’ll be left of me will be salty water. Tears. I really should learn how to cry. I have heard that it helps.”

Dear Blogville, my social, personal, emotional, religious and mental states have all hit rock bottom. How things went downhill so fast I cannot fathom nor am I in the mood to tell all. Once upon a time I used to run to the church when I reach the darkest pits like this one I’m going through. This time I’ve run away from the church, missing it for like 2 weeks now. The other week I dozed off during service. Largely disgusted with myself, I just walked out. I guess right now I’m not exactly on the best side of Christianity.

I feel like crying just now but maybe things might turn out for the better if I share. The annoyances have been legion but here’s a tiny peek into the simplest of my woes…

Missing SBR
Yes, I missed the Summer Bloggers’ Reunion. It was so sad… Prior to Saturday, 14th September, I already had my how-to-dodge-Saturday-work excuse well prepared. I was going to call the Boss late on Friday and feign an unheard of illness then jet off to Lagos first thing Saturday morn. Well, it didn’t quite work out that way.

Turns out the Boss was the one to call me up late Friday to say the equipment we had been waiting months for had finally arrived and we would be installing it the next day. Since that’s going to be the major source of this month’s income (and in tandem my salary), I had no choice but to shelve my proposed illness and head off to Ile-Ife, miles away but not too far from Lagos. The long and short of it all is that while y’all were shaking your rumps on that pleasure beach, I was busy drilling holes in floors, installing rails and hoisting heavy equipment.

Reviewer’s Block
I seem to have finally caught the blogger’s block. Like Charizard once said, it is characterized not by the lack of things to write about but rather having too many things to write about and no words to express them. I’m bursting full of ideas and there are piles and piles of reviews to do but like the stupid donkey torn between choosing which bale of hay to eat, so my mind seems to be dying of intellectual starvation.

And does anyone know how to fit 36 hours into one day, please?

Revenge of the C.R.T.: My TV’s Lost
My TV (or rather, lack of it) hasn’t been helping matters either. No, the technician didn’t misplace it and yes, I did get the box fixed. However the cost of repairs was such that between the repairman and me, one of us emerged an unhappy pauper and the other a happy millionaire. And just when I’m considering investing in a stabilizer before settling down to watch the damn thing my sister comes along and repossesses it!

Yes, the TV once belonged to her in another life and now she wants it back. That means in the blink of an eye and a flick of my wallet I’ve gone from a TV-somebody to a TV-nobody. And that’s NOT FUNNY AT ALL!

Double Dislocation
Then to make things even crazier, I dislocated my thumbs. I mean, who has ever heard of someone dislocating both thumbs? And no, it wasn’t from lifting heavy equipment either, making me even madder at myself. One night of active video gaming (and Konami’s Winning Eleven 11 International) were responsible for the shooting pain in the left thumb when I woke up the next day. It’s even been diagnosed as Repetitive Strain Injury akin to what typists - and active video gamers - suffer from.

As for the right hand one, what a one ton piece of equipment couldn’t do was a very easy feat for a measly door handle. I’m ashamed to even admit I dislocated it while trying to force open the Boss’ car door at the successful end of the earlier mentioned installation. Now my hands are in too much of an agony to do anything reasonable without the resulting pain reminding me of the importance of a thumb. If you didn’t realize just how relevant your thumbs are, just try going to the loo without one.

The Matilda Scare
Matilda’s been acting up a lot lately but I think I’ve solved part of that piece of craziness by uninstalling one of the two antivirus programs I use. (The geeks were right: NEVER install more than ONE antivirus. I ought to know better). Then just last week I accidentally up-ended a drain tray full of water from the refrigerator on not just her but my cell phones as well. And we all know technology and water don’t mix. Miraculously, no damage was caused after I dried them off but the apprehension still grips me till now like the shock after a car crash.

No TV, no money, no phones and no Matilda?!! What would I have done without my PC in a time of crisis like this?

I’ve Been Kicked Out Of FaceBook
Not in the true sense of it, sha but my browser just stubbornly refuses to log in to FaceBook. So in a way, my web browser has kicked me out of FB. I can’t for the life of me tell why that is so but every time I try, I get a “Web Accelerator Satellite Uplink Down” message or something like that.

The only way I’ve managed to keep updated is via the e-mail notifications FB sends so I’ll have to issue a notice to all those that know me there: I’m so so sorry if I haven’t replied your messages or posted a comment on your wall for such a long time but I promise to do so once the “Uplink” is fixed.

Blogville, I Need A Job!
I’m about to be kicked out of work and I’m not joking about it. I and the boss have been at loggerheads for a while now and he has finally shown me the door. It’s actually my decision to make if I want to walk out of it since my sack hasn’t been made official yet but I think it’s better for me to honourably resign (if there’s such a thing) than get a proper sack letter. The thing has been giving me sleepless nights and troubled days but I think my mind’s finally made up.

On the 30th of October 2008, I’ll be out of Private Corporate Nigeria and out walking the streets looking for gainful employment again. Come October 1st and I’ll be celebrating a different kind of Independence.

It’s been a rocky, tumultuous short-lived relationship between I and S.L.A.V.E. Inc (where I work) and I’ve been taught a lot and I’ve learnt a lot too. Like how to draw up a proper employee appointment letter that won’t be subject to abuse of the kind I’ve received lately.

As Yinka Craig Passes On…
The sad news of the demise of TV’s ace broadcaster, Yinka Craig in a U.S. hospital at the age of 60 filtered in to me mid-last week throwing me into yet another spell of depression. That was actually the saddest part of the week for me. The year 2008 seems to be intent on taking away all the Legends of Nigerian and indeed World Entertainment.

Yinka Craig has always featured on my Top 10 TV personalities list ever since I used to watch him religiously on the A.M. Express Breakfast TV show and it pained me greatly when he stopped appearing on the programme. I still vividly recall him once saying he had a dream of just giving out video cameras to several Nigerian youths and letting them make documentaries out of what they see out on the streets.

Too bad I never got a chance to sign up for that particular project but Mr. Craig’s legacies still live on. No kind of tribute I’ll pay him will ever measure up to what he has done in developing Nigerian Television but Mr. Craig, I guess we’ll just have to reschedule that interview I always wanted with you till we meet up in Heaven.

Rest In the sweetest of Peace.

PS / On Another Personal Note:
I’ve already mentioned his name once in this post and though I dislike kissing ass (of the male kind that is) I just had to do this. I don’t really know how he works his magic but after just a casual mention of Banky W’s blog on his own, I’ve noticed Mr. Capable’s comments have gone up from almost none to 20+ and counting.

Then recently, and on a personal note, I don’t know what he must have said about me but all of a sudden I’m getting Friend Requests from Facebookers saying I’ve been highly recommended by him. This young dude is ruling Blogville in his own rights and I think he deserves the Junior Blogville King of The Year Award (if there’s anything of the sort) for all his hard work, good, bad and mostly funny.

Oluwa-Charizard, you know I’m still vexing with you and to make matters worse you haven’t replied my e-mails for some time now but I heard your PC crashed so I forgive you.

I’m just very curious about what you told those FaceBookers about me but Thanks a Million for the recommendations though. That really brought tears to my eyes.

Remain posted…

Monday, September 15, 2008


To do this, I had to get one of those pirated music video collection CDs that’s all over the place. There are so many of them that I had a problem choosing one, so I just choose three of them that’s mostly different from the other. With so many musical shows on TV these days, I wonder if people still buys them. But it helps, especially for people like me.

I was so stunned by how improved our music videos have become, except that they are still some loop-holes here and there. So, what I am going to be doing is pinpointing those flaws in the latest music videos of the Nigerian Music Industry.

Be warned, I may bad-mouth your favorite music video. You don’t want to continue reading this if you don’t have the demeanor to withstand criticism.

Many people may like this video partly because they liked ‘Fire on the mountain’. And that’s exactly the problem I have with this video. Why will a person who created an awesome video like ‘Fire on the mountain’ create another video that lacks concept and interest? Why didn’t she stick to her guns? Who cares about how you record your songs or how many people you had in attendance or what troubles you went through in recording it or how your studio looks like?

This video simply lacks concept. Frankly, I think she should have followed the storyline in the song. She should have created another video like ‘Fire on the mountain’ but not necessarily in the same vein. The storyline is very important. What makes the song a great one is actually the storyline and why did she (or whoever conceptualized that video) had to do something else?

This is a good video, no doubt. Good stage, nice costumes, and great dance steps – all produced a matching concept. I didn’t expect anything else from a P. Square video. The only flaw in this video however is at the beginning.

After already starting with the original song, why did they abruptly stop to dance to another song before actually doing their dirt? We know you can dance and all and we know you sang ‘Game Over’. Hell, that’s the title of your album, but please spare us. I see some Yankee-imitation there. We like to imitate them but we don’t ever seem to get it right. You bring in another song at the very beginning or at the very end of the original song in a video to give us a glimpse of the next video or remind us how the previous video was like. A case study is Bow Wow and Omarion’s Hey baby jump off and Hoodstar and Usher’s Love in the club and Moving mountain videos.


Either 9ice is dumb or he is just silly or both. I don’t see anything that depicts his (or 2 Face’s) street credibility in that video. You don’t do a video just because you have to do a video. I mean, there is no video for Gongo Aso are we are not complaining. I’m saying it and I’m gonna keep saying it, a video must follow the song’s storyline. A video that should be shot in a real-life setting should not be restricted to the studio and vise versa. It can have both, but it should not be restricted to either one.

In my opinion, that 9ice’s video should have shown how people love him; show screaming fans; show him singing on stage, signing autographs, dodging or attending to paparazzi and collecting awards, especially when he said ‘I go bring home Grammy’. That place, he should have been shown receiving a Grammy, even if it’s not happened yet. It’s only going to establish the fact that he is serious about winning a Grammy. But I guess that will be too much trouble compared to doing just one or two cameos in the studio. Their problem is that they don’t want to spend money on videos. I even heard a rumor that D’banj is helping fund 9ice’s 10 million naira Gongo Aso video since 9ice is practically bankrupt after his wedding ceremony. Dig that?

I’m going to stop here for now but before I do, I want to give kudos to Neato C for the kini big deal video and Olu Maintain for the Karma kazee video, (nice toys in that video, great directing and editing too, it came out fine) even though ‘karma kazee’ and ‘kentro’ are silly ideas. Those are my favorite videos at the moment. We’ll do this some other time. Peace.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Bits And Pieces 4: We Apologise For The Break In Transmission. My TV Has Gone POOF!

There! I claim the award for the longest title for any post on Blogville this week. OK, where’s my Oscar? Or is it my Blog-scar? Thank you very much, thank you!

That aside, I am feeling very peeved at the moment. Very, very, very, very peeved! And my current state of mind is going to be reflected in my post this week as I’m beefing on everything. Well, almost…

My TV Has Gone POOF!
Last weekend wasn’t nice for me at all. Matter of fact, it was mostly nasty. Got back from a business trip to Bida, Niger State (where everything seems so slowww) after working my butt of from Monday to Saturday, put on my TV first thing as I step into the house and POOF it goes up in smoke!

Turns out a high tension cable cut somewhere on the street causing 330 volts of electricity (I actually measured it) to surge through the house. Most surprising was the speed with which the PHCN guys appeared on the scene to correct the fault after (note the emphasis) my TV had blown.

The long and short of the gist is that I get to miss the ongoing Maltina Dance All reality show till I get the idiot box fixed so I can’t post about that for now. Sorry guys!

From The Dailies
One of the interesting offshoots of the Niger trip was that I got to read the newspapers, a pleasure I haven’t had in ages. It’s a shame really considering I used to devour the stuff ravenously in former times even reading past issues all the way back to the 60’s just to find what exactly was good about the good old days (there isn’t much of a difference from modern times really, just that the economy was far better).

There wasn’t much gist that interested me in the papers sha, just a few conspiracy theories about Yardie’s disappearance, updates on Big Brother Africa 3, a top-class article written by John Ebri titled “Stealing as Patriotism” and then the gossip about the Northern cleric called Ma’asaba with 86 wives (yes, eighty-six!)

And to think some guys can’t even get one! That man definitely has tons of game or the women must have been very shallow-minded because it makes you wonder what sort of magic pull he held over them. Guy sure must have been hung like a horse - no, make that a dinosaur - to keep all them women satisfied.

Last I heard a fatwa had been placed on his head unless he does as he had been told and divorces all but four of them or leave Nupeland for good. Unconfirmed sources say the Estu Nupe was getting so worried over the growing cases of female scarcity that he decided to break the monopoly once and for all …

Promos And Bank Woes…
First Bank has the Big Splash, Bank PHB says You Go Win, and UBA is offering the Savings Grand Slam. ‘Tis the season of bank promos again as they all strive to charm our hard-earned cash out of our pockets and into their air-conditioned vaults. Nice try, but if one wanted to write a book about bank woes it would be an encyclopedia.

My UBA account has been frozen for Lord knows how long just because I’ve been running it as a Corper’s Account for more than one year. Oddly enough I’d been trying to change it since I completed the service year but the pretty cashier always smiles at me each time I make a withdrawal and says no problem. Now I get to suffer the consequences of their inability to update their records.

Went to report at one of their branches at Abule-Egba but the idiot I met there kept insisting I produce an international passport, driver’s license or National ID card (I have neither) and current PHCN bill to prove my identity and place of residence. Beast-of-No-Nation that I am and the fact that I use a pre-paid meter in my house (which means I get no PHCN bills) made no difference to him as my explanations fell on deaf ears. Oddly enough, I wasn’t asked for any of these when I opened the account in the first place. Then, they were the ones begging me!

At least the guy I later met in their Osogbo branch was much nicer telling me my employee ID card and that PHCN bill (still!) were good enough. It’s just plain idiocy as far as I’m concerned but I’ll just have to comply. Does anyone out there have a PHCN bill to lend me, please?

Attracting Fakeness
Either everything in Nigeria is turning out to be fake or I’m turning out to be a fakeness magnet. Can’t for the life of me understand why everything I buy nowadays barely lasts as long as it should, is cunningly mislabeled or turns out to be a total fake.

First case in point: I recently decided to upgrade the limited capacity of my 64MB microSD memory card for my phone to 256 MB since I’m getting tired of the old one. A visit to the nearby Chinese-phone seller and 900 bucks later and I emerge the proud owner of the said card. I go home, pop it into my phone, format the card, plug the phone to my PC and start uploading my music like crazy. Just 8 songs later and a window pops up to say the card is full! WHAT?

I check the card to be sure 256 MB is written on the body, and then thinking my PC is in one of its moods swings, I check the card properties only for it to read 24 MB! It’s so ridiculous! I didn’t even know SD cards could come with such small capacity. Needless to say, I returned the card sharpish and got a replacement and the guy was even good enough to load a few songs and videos on it as if to compensate me for the trickery. Interestingly, he carefully returned the fake one back to the packet just waiting for the next gullible customer to come along.

Then there’s the case of the fake (or rather) stale wheat loaf I bought for my boss from a supermarket in the Alekuwodo area of Osogbo. But that’s gist for another day…

The Lennox Lewis Of Music
The weekend wasn’t all sorrow, tears and blood though. At least I got to listen to the Leona Lewis “Spirit” CD. The album’s such a knockout I’m beginning to call her the “Lennox Lewis of Music” for the moment. I’m really digging that CD most especially as it’s a refreshing distraction from all the Hip-Hop based tracks one gets to hear nowadays.

My faves include the tracks “Bleeding Love”, “Better In Time”, “Yesterday”, “Take A Bow”, “Best You Never Had” and a couple of enduring classics like my perennial favourite, “First Time Ever I Saw Your Face”. Ironically, most of them are love-gone-sour, heartbreak type songs.

Leona sounds like at times like a mix of Mariah Carey, Alicia Keys, Shania Twain and Kelly Clarkson all rolled into one and her powerful lyrics hit home and hard too. If you’re looking for something fresh and you love music from any of these female artistes, then go grab this album from your friendly neighbourhood music store or pirate. You most definitely won’t regret it…

And Some Real Butt-Shaking!
After the disappointment of watching the Mo’ Hits music video for “Booty Call” (there’s hardly any booty in it by the way), I’ve learnt to be wary of songs that have the words: twist, wind, roll, shake or booty in their titles or lyrics. Then I also caught a video by a Naija dude called “Big Mouth” titled “Wyne Your Body” thanks to the Chinese-phone seller who downloaded it on my phone.

There’s nothing sensational / stunning with the songs or its lyrics and I’ve never honestly heard of Big Mouth before but the video features Naija girls for a change and wasn’t shot in the U.S., South Africa or even Kenya for that matter. Just good old Naija girls winding their entire bodies (not just their behinds) to a good old Naija-sounding song shot at a good old Naija location. Chikena!

I’m still trying to figure out the technicalities of uploading the stuff on YouTube so I can share it with you guys here but for now I’ll just keep on hitting rewind.

Now, where has that phone of mine gotten to…?

Wednesday, September 3, 2008


In the days when i use to watch TV, I'll sit around with my friends jisting about the latest music, movies, TV show or radio programme... then maybe girls, academics or sports. We use to have an interesting time together until we graduated and everyone had to move on... scattered in different colleges. Then, due to circumstances beyond my control, i didnt get to watch TV anymore.

That would have been the end, but i discovered Blogger and Media Nemesis.

Blogspot provided the platform i needed to continue doing what i love to do and Media Nemesis makes my non-TV watching senario less daunting.

Media Nemesis, in a professional way expresses how i feel about the Nigeria media and reviews major happenings on TV i'd have love to withness firsthand... like the Gulder Ultimate Search 5. So, when the oppourtunity to contribute came, I (out of jealousy of Woomie) signed on.

And that's the connection. I like what he does, he likes what i do... birds of the same feature they say, flock together.

I'm going to be reviewing music videos and radio (stations, programmes, presenters, adverts etc), so be prepared for some dire comments from esquire.

BDW, I want to thank NE for this blog and the freedom given me to be a part of it. I hope/pray i live up to what is expected of me.