Bits And Pieces 5: I’m Still Watching My Neighbour’s Idiot Box

Foreword:
Shortly after my last post, someone hit me up on FB to say: “Ol’ boy, why are you talking as if you wan die. Abi your girl leave you? Remember that people like me are still there for you.”

The message was private so I don’t know who the sender was but Thanks all the same. It would have just been a little bit nicer if I knew who exactly “was still there for me”.

No, I no wan die and yes, my girl did leave me a very, very long time ago but I’m going to be alright. Thanks for all the concern, blogville and here I present my B & P Part 5:

The Ass of an Ass is what?
So, all the conjecture was just that: conjecture, eh?

Plenty has been said already about the N.B.C.’s suspension and eventual release of the broadcasting license for Channels Television for supposedly announcing that Yardie was set to resign from office but I read an interesting piece by Steve Nwosu in the Daily Sun of Wednesday 17th September, which raises a lot of questions to mind.

Apart from all the back-and-forth between the Presidency and the Media, blaming the gist on hackers and all that, let’s not forget that the detention of some Channels TV and N.A.N. staff by the S.S.S. no matter how brief sharply brings to mind the gory glory days of Abacha when the same security arm used to hound staff of Tell Magazine for actually telling the truth.

Looking at it from one angle, Channels truly ought to have verified the authenticity of their stories before broadcasting giving its security implications - imagined or otherwise - and they have paid the price for putting sensationalism before professionalism. So I guess you could say Channels TV made an ass of themselves, right?

However, the NBC’s parodied flexing of its muscles in this way is just downright laughable to me. This was the same NBC that also suspended AIT’s broadcast license for the simple “crime” of being the first media house to give accurate accounts of the Lissa Village plane crash when various Ministers and top Government officials were busy contradicting each other, misleading the public on the actual location of the missing plane and prolonging the anguish of relatives.

Last I heard the Presidency is unhappy with SaharaReporters.com for publishing unflattering pictures of one of the First Kids or so. Who knows? Maybe, the next thing will be for the NBC to try suspending bloggers’ licences for blogging. At least that would give them something else to do (and apart from suspending licenses, what does the NBC do to promote broadcasting anyway?)

As far as I’m concerned the NBC is the ass of an ass. I would have stopped at just calling them an ass but this ancestor of the donkey took offence…

The Esama @ 74
NTA did it again! What’s making me indulge in my favourite sport of NTA-bashing this time? Well, they took up the entire morning of Sunday, September 14, 2008 broadcasting Igbinedion’s 74th Birthday celebrations. Of course I wasn’t so bored as to watch such drudgery but given I didn’t have much choice (haven’t been able to start up that cable TV fund I’ve been thinking of) I had to skip to the channel from time to time.

My personal Highlight of the broadcast was where the NTA reporter was interviewing the Esama himself after the church ceremony and tossed him a question about his happiest moments during the celebrations.

Esama started answering with the usual “every-day-is-a-happy-day” speech politicians know so well when he spotted someone off-camera. After enquiring from no-one in his entourage in particular if that was the Governor (?), he suddenly realized the microphone was still his face relaying his question to the over 40 million strong viewing audience. Displaying dexterity that belied his 74 years, he then deflected the mic down far away from his person and towards the floor leaving the said reporter feeling very embarrassed.

Luckily the director must have read the situation quickly and cut to another scene inside the church. By the time the Esama was ready to do the interview again, NTA decided they had had enough and this time they had the last laugh. They cut the interview on him!

Happy Birthday in arrears, Esama. May we all live till the glorious age of 74.

And while we’re praying Lord, may we never have EFCC-hounded children too. Amen!

So I Said It FIRST!
Remember when I spoke about the under-utilization of ATM’s when it comes to their advertising capabilities? Turns out the words were hardly out of my mouth before the banks finally caught on the idea. How do I mean? Just pay a visit to an ATM belonging to Bank PHB and you just might spot their adverts showing real time on its LCD display in full living colours.

Or at least there’s one I know that does. Went to the No. 53 Gbongan Road branch of the bank to carry out my plastic transactions and was pleasantly surprised to find the “Alfie The Talking Driverless Car” ad showing on the ATM screen. And it plays continuously from the very beginning through till the end until you pop in your card and the transaction menu takes over.

As a title screen clearly educated me, the real name of the ad is actually “Autodrive Version 2” (which is Version 1?) and it was directed by Jorge Rubia for Insight Communications/ Bank PHB and runs for all of 45 seconds.

And as the financial menu told me, my ATM card belonged to an Invalid Account and so I couldn’t withdraw any cash.

I still haven’t learnt the Twelfth Commandment obviously.

Another First
I swear, Sele Eradiri (of Newsline) reads this blog! If not, tell me how come she went about doing a story for Newsline on Sunday, 21st September about enforcing the use of helmets by commercial motorcycle riders and their passengers? Remember I told you the helmet allegations would soon hit Newsline?

Turns out what the helmet enforcement law the FRSC is trying to make mandatory by January 1st, 2009 has long been enforced in Calabar for years now. And thanks to Sele Eradiri and her many years of investigative journalism for bringing the helmet issue to the forefront. Lord knows she’s the only alive person on Newsline nowadays.

And please people, the helmets are for our protection. Having worked with radiology personnel for some months now, I have it on good authority that motorcycle accidents are usually the deadliest.

Pure Water Just Got A New Name…
Also of note on the same episode of Newsline was the product launch of Chi Industries’ ChiSecure Mineral Table Water, the first time ever that good old table water comes packaged in… wait for this… TETRA PAK!

That’s right! Chi Industries latest attempts at re-inventing the wheel now means that high class yoghurts, milk and fruit drinks shall have to suffer the indignity of sharing their cubic cardboard packing with our dear ordinary “pure” water. The ad for this innovative concept (please note the intended sarcasm) shows Nollywood’s Saint Obi all dressed up as Captain ChiSecure, a superhero character who battles it out in a with another disease-carrying superhero when the bad guy tries to infiltrate Chi Water’s much-touted double seal.

Interestingly, before the appearance of Captain ChiSecure in the aisles of the supermarket where the battle takes place, the dirty superhero succeeds in contaminating a bottle of what looks suspiciously like the re-launched Table Water of a competing leading brand with the label carefully blurred out. One would have thought the Nigerian ad companies have better things to do than this sort of underhand mud-slinging they’re resorting to nowadays.

On the plus side, the idea of Tetra Pak-ing is actually good news for environmentalists as it means more use for recycled cardboard and less plastic / PET bottles littered all over the place.

Chi’s table water does have a certain cool factor about it especially in its looks. And just think about it: at a recommended retail price of 70 Naira per liter, you can now fool your more ignorant friends, visitors and neighbours into thinking your fridge is fully stocked with Tetra Paks. After all no one’s to know it’s just water.

Unless you tell them of course.

Happy New Month!

On A Sad Note: A Litany Of Woes

Tears In My Eyes
It was too much. It was just too much. Even my FaceBook status message said as much …

Just when I thought the week before the last two was a very shitty one, the past two weeks have turned out to be even shittier. For lack of words to describe my feelings, let me borrow the words of my friend Woomie as quoted in one of her posts:

“This past week, I have swallowed approximately four truck loads of shit…deep shit. Soon, I’ll be unable to take it anymore, not one more drop or I’d just burst. When I do burst, it won’t be all the ingested shit, flesh and blood that will be splashed. No. All that’ll be left of me will be salty water. Tears. I really should learn how to cry. I have heard that it helps.”

Dear Blogville, my social, personal, emotional, religious and mental states have all hit rock bottom. How things went downhill so fast I cannot fathom nor am I in the mood to tell all. Once upon a time I used to run to the church when I reach the darkest pits like this one I’m going through. This time I’ve run away from the church, missing it for like 2 weeks now. The other week I dozed off during service. Largely disgusted with myself, I just walked out. I guess right now I’m not exactly on the best side of Christianity.

I feel like crying just now but maybe things might turn out for the better if I share. The annoyances have been legion but here’s a tiny peek into the simplest of my woes…

Missing SBR
Yes, I missed the Summer Bloggers’ Reunion. It was so sad… Prior to Saturday, 14th September, I already had my how-to-dodge-Saturday-work excuse well prepared. I was going to call the Boss late on Friday and feign an unheard of illness then jet off to Lagos first thing Saturday morn. Well, it didn’t quite work out that way.

Turns out the Boss was the one to call me up late Friday to say the equipment we had been waiting months for had finally arrived and we would be installing it the next day. Since that’s going to be the major source of this month’s income (and in tandem my salary), I had no choice but to shelve my proposed illness and head off to Ile-Ife, miles away but not too far from Lagos. The long and short of it all is that while y’all were shaking your rumps on that pleasure beach, I was busy drilling holes in floors, installing rails and hoisting heavy equipment.

Reviewer’s Block
I seem to have finally caught the blogger’s block. Like Charizard once said, it is characterized not by the lack of things to write about but rather having too many things to write about and no words to express them. I’m bursting full of ideas and there are piles and piles of reviews to do but like the stupid donkey torn between choosing which bale of hay to eat, so my mind seems to be dying of intellectual starvation.

And does anyone know how to fit 36 hours into one day, please?

Revenge of the C.R.T.: My TV’s Lost
My TV (or rather, lack of it) hasn’t been helping matters either. No, the technician didn’t misplace it and yes, I did get the box fixed. However the cost of repairs was such that between the repairman and me, one of us emerged an unhappy pauper and the other a happy millionaire. And just when I’m considering investing in a stabilizer before settling down to watch the damn thing my sister comes along and repossesses it!

Yes, the TV once belonged to her in another life and now she wants it back. That means in the blink of an eye and a flick of my wallet I’ve gone from a TV-somebody to a TV-nobody. And that’s NOT FUNNY AT ALL!

Double Dislocation
Then to make things even crazier, I dislocated my thumbs. I mean, who has ever heard of someone dislocating both thumbs? And no, it wasn’t from lifting heavy equipment either, making me even madder at myself. One night of active video gaming (and Konami’s Winning Eleven 11 International) were responsible for the shooting pain in the left thumb when I woke up the next day. It’s even been diagnosed as Repetitive Strain Injury akin to what typists - and active video gamers - suffer from.

As for the right hand one, what a one ton piece of equipment couldn’t do was a very easy feat for a measly door handle. I’m ashamed to even admit I dislocated it while trying to force open the Boss’ car door at the successful end of the earlier mentioned installation. Now my hands are in too much of an agony to do anything reasonable without the resulting pain reminding me of the importance of a thumb. If you didn’t realize just how relevant your thumbs are, just try going to the loo without one.

The Matilda Scare
Matilda’s been acting up a lot lately but I think I’ve solved part of that piece of craziness by uninstalling one of the two antivirus programs I use. (The geeks were right: NEVER install more than ONE antivirus. I ought to know better). Then just last week I accidentally up-ended a drain tray full of water from the refrigerator on not just her but my cell phones as well. And we all know technology and water don’t mix. Miraculously, no damage was caused after I dried them off but the apprehension still grips me till now like the shock after a car crash.

No TV, no money, no phones and no Matilda?!! What would I have done without my PC in a time of crisis like this?

I’ve Been Kicked Out Of FaceBook
Not in the true sense of it, sha but my browser just stubbornly refuses to log in to FaceBook. So in a way, my web browser has kicked me out of FB. I can’t for the life of me tell why that is so but every time I try, I get a “Web Accelerator Satellite Uplink Down” message or something like that.

The only way I’ve managed to keep updated is via the e-mail notifications FB sends so I’ll have to issue a notice to all those that know me there: I’m so so sorry if I haven’t replied your messages or posted a comment on your wall for such a long time but I promise to do so once the “Uplink” is fixed.

Blogville, I Need A Job!
I’m about to be kicked out of work and I’m not joking about it. I and the boss have been at loggerheads for a while now and he has finally shown me the door. It’s actually my decision to make if I want to walk out of it since my sack hasn’t been made official yet but I think it’s better for me to honourably resign (if there’s such a thing) than get a proper sack letter. The thing has been giving me sleepless nights and troubled days but I think my mind’s finally made up.

On the 30th of October 2008, I’ll be out of Private Corporate Nigeria and out walking the streets looking for gainful employment again. Come October 1st and I’ll be celebrating a different kind of Independence.

It’s been a rocky, tumultuous short-lived relationship between I and S.L.A.V.E. Inc (where I work) and I’ve been taught a lot and I’ve learnt a lot too. Like how to draw up a proper employee appointment letter that won’t be subject to abuse of the kind I’ve received lately.

As Yinka Craig Passes On…
The sad news of the demise of TV’s ace broadcaster, Yinka Craig in a U.S. hospital at the age of 60 filtered in to me mid-last week throwing me into yet another spell of depression. That was actually the saddest part of the week for me. The year 2008 seems to be intent on taking away all the Legends of Nigerian and indeed World Entertainment.

Yinka Craig has always featured on my Top 10 TV personalities list ever since I used to watch him religiously on the A.M. Express Breakfast TV show and it pained me greatly when he stopped appearing on the programme. I still vividly recall him once saying he had a dream of just giving out video cameras to several Nigerian youths and letting them make documentaries out of what they see out on the streets.

Too bad I never got a chance to sign up for that particular project but Mr. Craig’s legacies still live on. No kind of tribute I’ll pay him will ever measure up to what he has done in developing Nigerian Television but Mr. Craig, I guess we’ll just have to reschedule that interview I always wanted with you till we meet up in Heaven.

Rest In the sweetest of Peace.

PS / On Another Personal Note:
I’ve already mentioned his name once in this post and though I dislike kissing ass (of the male kind that is) I just had to do this. I don’t really know how he works his magic but after just a casual mention of Banky W’s blog on his own, I’ve noticed Mr. Capable’s comments have gone up from almost none to 20+ and counting.

Then recently, and on a personal note, I don’t know what he must have said about me but all of a sudden I’m getting Friend Requests from Facebookers saying I’ve been highly recommended by him. This young dude is ruling Blogville in his own rights and I think he deserves the Junior Blogville King of The Year Award (if there’s anything of the sort) for all his hard work, good, bad and mostly funny.

Oluwa-Charizard, you know I’m still vexing with you and to make matters worse you haven’t replied my e-mails for some time now but I heard your PC crashed so I forgive you.

I’m just very curious about what you told those FaceBookers about me but Thanks a Million for the recommendations though. That really brought tears to my eyes.

Remain posted…

Woomie's Comments

At June 10, 2008 3:00 PM, Woomie O! commenting on my blog wrote:

4NE, i have been embittered by the TV content for our young children. Their brains haven't formed well as a result of what they see on TV.
I say this because a great part of the things i know today, i learnt on TV as a child (you will agree with me). Now, when i tune to local TV stations, I don't see the Sesame Street, Barney, Sarafina and other educative Sci-Fi cartoons I saw as a child, instead, these stations 'hammer' our children's brains with Johnny Bravo, Animaniacs, Pinky & the Brain, Cow & Chicken, I am Weasel etc etc.
I try not to let my neices watch too much of these things, they learn ablsolutely NOTHING postive from them...truth is, they don't even understand any message (if any) behind these cartoons.
I look at these kids and I want to cry...I am embarassed by what this new generation do with their spare time.
911!!!
our loval TV stations are brain-draining our average Nigerian Kids.
Somebody should ask the Bruces of Silverbird TV, John Momoh of Channels TV, Tinubu (or whoever is in charge) of LTV and the now-reduced-to-mediocres of NTA network, if it is what they watched as kids on Nigerian TV stations that they have reproduced and are presenting to our kids...If these things didn't work for them then, what makes them think they will work for our own kids (and their own too) now?
Did the defunct ClapperBoard and the old NTA network emmigrants leave with the tapes???

4NE's Reply : Well said! There's NOTHING more for me to add... For those of you who don't know, Woomie is a very intelligent young female and I'm not just fronting. Check out her blog here

Inform, Educate and Entertain… And VOLTRON

TV - Flashback - The Gist

Turn your TV to the NTA every morning and it’s a mantra you are bound to catch at least one of the A.M. Express presenters reciting as they flood into your living rooms or wherever your TV set is kept. The flooding this time is pleasant. Believe it or not, you don’t have to cringe every time you see the words “Nigerian Television Authority” on the glowing end of the TV tube. Even a mediocre has to excel once in a while.

OK, I digress… back to the issue at hand...

I love Television, no two ways about it, but for some years now, our relationship has started becoming shaky as I begin to seriously doubt the authenticity of its mandate. Is Television keeping true to that Inform, Educate and Entertain (I.E.E.) Broadcast Creed we swore to on that day when I told her “I do”?

Yes, watching the TV can be very entertaining at times, and if you bother to watch the increasingly socialized social diary called the News you just might get a nugget of information here and there but as for getting an education, I’ve been very skeptical if the idiot box dishes out much in that line.

Fact is, the only set of people who got any proper sort of education from TV were those who were lucky enough to watch programmes like “3-2-1 Contact” and “Sesame Street” in the hey days of B & W programming or even the early episodes of NTA’s “Tales By Moonlight” (as a kid then I used to love any story that featured animals. I felt I must be very smart because I realized early that animals didn’t talk so it must be humans in those costumes! I digress yet again…).

What fun it was in those glorious days of watching “Voltron” and longing to possess the gymnastic skills of Pidge, or Lance’ suave looks or Keith’s leadership abilities or marrying the Princess Allura for that matter. We flew across the skies in their aerodynamically-challenged space vehicles and our fantasies were limitless for even when the black-and-white screen failed us, we filled in the colours with our vivid imaginations. Television taught us how to D.R.E.A.M.

In those days Science was a daily discovery and you could master the rudiments of killer courses like Mathematics or all the tongue-tying complexities of Oral English straight off the TV set. Television programme schedulers were always all too conscious of the slightest details of the school calendar and would arrange programmes accordingly to sooth the tastes of their young audiences during holidays.

Those days are long gone. The youth of nowadays simply have no imagination.

I was therefore pleased when I spotted a tiny glimmer of hope for this generation. From amidst the Babel that is daily programming we occasionally catch a little ray of insight as it shines out to Inform, Educate and Entertain us. Take for instance, A.M. Express, Wednesday the 4th of June. A doctor comes on-air from the Benin Network centre some time around 6:40 am to Educate us on Infertility. Now that’s an important subject so I put a hold on my breakfast preparations to watch.

What really grabs my attention is his definition of infertility which I will try to reproduce as well as I can. In his own words (all the emphasis are mine):

“… Infertility is medically described as the inability of a couple to conceive after participating in active coitus, that is full sexual exposure, for a period of one year”.

(And here I am thinking, slowly chewing on a slice of bread: what does this guy mean by “full sexual exposure”? He isn’t talking of photography, is he? Or radiography, for that matter.)

And he continues:

“…It is medically agreed that the normal frequency of full sexual exposure for a couple in that one-year duration should be at least three exposures in a week...”

Three exposures a week! My hackles immediately rise, I don’t know why. Okay… Cool down. Quickly discarding breakfast to do the math I come up with this:

3 full sexual exposures a week (medically agreed) x 52 (chronologically agreed) weeks in a year = 156 full exposures! For those of you that don’t get this, that means you have 156 chances to get Junior.

Now isn’t that Education? I won’t vouch for the authenticity of this M.D.’s statements neither will I swear by all things terrible that his quoted sources for the “medically agreed” definition are accurate. The only thing I can be sure of is to say I was well and truly E.D.U.C.A.T.E.D.

PERIOD…

So all you lovebirds out there trying for a shot at replicating handy toy-sized copies of yourselves, here’s some very good advice: If after 156 full sexual exposures successfully carried out within a duration of 366 days and the female in the equation isn’t throwing up in the mornings and getting a belly that you can’t attribute to excessive drinking of alcoholic beverages, then YOU BOTH NEED TO GET YOURSELVES CHECKED by a doctor who specializes in full sexual exposures. A pity they never scrolled the Doc’s name onscreen so I can’t help all you desperate peoples with that vital piece of info.

As for all them people who always strive to break all the records in the Guinness Book of Full Exposures, I have nothing (yet) to say to you. And if you find you aren’t batting at the A.M. Express endorsed average of 156, then what the hell are you waiting for?

Breakfast temporarily forgotten, I take a stroll through my cerebral garden, rocking on my mental rocking chair, smoking an intellectual pipe and reflecting on all these. (Would Keith have been too busy defending the Planet Arus from Hagar’s Robeasts to worry about giving Princess Allura her due 156 full exposures whenever he’d eventually get to marry her? How innocent Black & White TV romance can be.)

Yeah, I miss the Glory Days of Television. I do miss Voltron.

PS: Yes, I’m still trying to work on my TAA review titled “And Then There Were Three…” but the devil seems to be in the works. I’m thinking of re-editing it for posting it later this week tentatively re-titled as “And Then There Were Two…”

Stay posted!

Showing On A TV Near You: The Ten Dumbest Things

TV - Observation - The Gist

It has happened to virtually every one of us…

You sit down and turn on the TV. After watching in amazement for a few minutes you can’t help but to wonder how much dumb programming manages to slip through all the broadcasting barriers of programme conception, creation, marketing, censorship and transmission to land on your idiot box.

Yeah, I know. I’ve been there too. So here I am watching and thinking: why am I watching this? And what can I do about it? Rather than spend the next few hours of your short lives watching DUMB TV, here are some things you just might want to consider steering clear of.

Several warnings though before you read this:

a. The term “dumb” means: incapable of speech, silent, lacking intelligence (in other words, stupid), taciturn, etc and can even be used as a term of endearment akin to dum dum, dummy, etc where the person being so affectionately addressed does not fully grasp the subject in question. (If you didn’t get the above definition, then you are well…dumb)

b. Sequel to the last section of above definition, some of the programmes listed here aren’t totally dumb themselves but do contain Elements of Dumbness.

c. I’m going to step on a few toes. Not everybody reading this is going to like it.

d. Drawing up a list of the Top Ten Dumbest Things on TV is probably a dumb thing to do. You’d be shocked just how much of the stuff there is out there!

f. And in case you don’t figure it out, the rankings go from 10 (Dumb) to 5 (Dumber) and up till 1 (Dumbest).

OK, (Drum roll)… Let’s BEGIN!

10. Ultimate Soccer Experience: Anchored by Mike Maiyaki, one of the greatest sports analysts alive, there is actually nothing dumb about this great sports programme apart from the half-screen format used during sports analysis. For the life of me, I can’t figure out why the producer insists on squeezing the visuals into just the right half of the screen. What’s up with the left side? If there was some sort of marketing or sports info scrolling there, it might probably make some sense but as it is, this is just so dumb, dumb, dumb.

9. Moments with Mo: Yet another talk show but this one has got CLASS. Check out the avalanche of sponsors and you’ll be left drooling if you are a media marketer. But if you’re a member of that audience you must be dumb! Why? Because THE AUDIENCE IS CUED! Cueing an audience is as fake to Nigerians as canned laughter and occasionally on this show, the fakeness shows way, way too wide. Case in point: the episode that featured John Fashanu and Nkechi Okocha. Someone must have given the wrong cue signal because when John Fashanu was describing the ankle injury that put him out of professional football for good, SOME MEMBERS OF THE AUDIENCE ACTUALLY APPLAUDED!
Hello??? The right cue card was supposed to say: GASP!!!
And don’t rejoice either if you catch Modenine on this week’s episode. It was most likely recorded last year (Copyright 2007 Inspire Africa, if you catch my drift…)

8. Morning Ride: Showing live on the NTA every Sunday morning circa 1000 hours, this Becky Madojemu - produced programme suffers from just one great big mishap: it is full of broadcast transmission glitches. The presentation is OK and the guests typical of any breakfast show but an evil sprite seems to be tweaking with the transmission knobs. It isn’t uncommon to have several cuts during a single broadcast forcing someone on the editing deck to keep a stack of ad inserts handy for such moments. For a programme that has been around since 1988, not having sorted out its transmission issues till now is just plain... dumb!

7. The New Onga Advert: Yes, the new one featuring Kate Henshaw-Nuttal. I love the chick to pieces but I just don’t get what she and her “daughter” are yapping about in that ad about cooking and not forgetting tradition. Given the foreign trip and the hype that preceded the shooting of that ad, I’m sorely disappointed. Someone must have fallen asleep somewhere during the production process, but it definitely wasn’t Kate.

6. Quizline: It’s a BIG waste of talent really. Three (in my opinion) very good TV personalities trapped almost every day in a programme where they talk mostly to themselves for all of 50 minutes while playing sometimes crazy music and giving away money to people equally dumb enough to phone in. Here’s a secret you didn’t know: Guess what? The odds are stacked against you wining anything substantial or else how do you think Akin would have been able to maintain his dreadlocked hairstyle? Or Omowumi, her eye shadow? 3 o’clock can be a very boring time on TV. And yes… I was dumb enough to try phoning in too.

5. National Sports Lottery: Ify might have gotten popular on Big Brother Nigeria but she must be really determined to lose that popularity fast. I’ve tried not to help it but watching her host the NSL show is nothing short of irritating. And her shrill voice, funny wardrobe, non-flowing lines, the civil servant/bus driver-type audience and the occasionally odd co-hosts aren’t helping matters. Check out the SA versions of TV Lottery. At least the witty hosts do look like they are enjoying what they’re doing. In line with the NSL slogan of “Levels go change”, her levels are changing alright… for the worse!

4. The Guinness Football Battle Advert: As a follow-up to their Udeme campaign, the guys of the Brown (or is it Black?) Bottle decided to go for a football-battle style ad where two opposing teams work together to retrieve a football from a runaway truck. Simple. The ad is nice and even funny in some parts but why, oh why, is the truck driver sleeping? Check out that portion of the ad just before he looks into the rear view mirror and sees the chasing crowd and you’ll see his eyes are FIRMLY closed for a couple of seconds or so. Naughty, naughty! FRSC ought to hear of this. On another note, the FULL ad shows the two teams’ henchmen opening their bottle caps against each other’s bottles. The fact that the National Association for Food and Beverages (a body to which the Brewery Bottle Boys belong) launched a campaign seriously kicking against such means of bottle defacement meant that part of the ad had to be edited out. D. U. M. B.

3. The Presidential Media Chat: ‘Nuff Respeck’ to Mr. President, Ijeoma of Thisday, Reuben Abati of The Guardian and all the others that graced the May 27 edition of the Presidential Media Chat. At least the journalistic panel wasn’t as patronizing as their predecessors of the Obasanjo era and they did throw some barbs at Oga Nigeria (the most recurring adjective was slow-coach). But what did we learn from the hour-long Question and Answer programme? NOTHING… Same old story 9 years later. Different presidents, same robes.

2. Some Reality TV Shows: Remember “House 4”, that Big Brother wannabe? It was dumb. Remember “Angels”, the Reality show where some so-called Angels showcased “African” traditions and values in the bush while referring to the show’s mystery voice as “My Ancestor”? It was dumber. Watched several episodes of it and couldn’t figure out what these “angels” were actually supposed to do apart from gossip around a tree clad in wrappers. Now they say they want to do Season 2. That sure takes the cake for dumbness…

1. The Yo Yo Bitters Advert: The third advert to make the dumb lineup and winner of the Dumb and Dumberer Awards, this ad is probably half of the reason why Morning Ride made the line-up in the first place. Sponsors of the Health Monitor segment, the poorly produced ad with a wack soundtrack highlights the miracles of the wonder drug as seen from the eyes of a “healthy” man who now no longer suffers stress and “is now useful in bed”. Whoever the man is, he must be confused about the sexes of his children because he goes ahead to refer to the boy and girl as “Junior and her sister”.
His wife too must be given credit for increasing his bed usefulness seeing that she wakes up from bed with an unattractive nightgown and FULL makeup on! She then “catches” him taking the said Bitters which was openly “hidden” in the fridge (remember Junior and her sister have been taking the drug obviously without the knowledge of their mother). But wait a minute! Wasn’t she the one who put it on the dining table sometime earlier in the advert? Confusing, weird… and TOTALLY DUMB!!!

PS: Now that I’ve done this, I can’t wait to begin List 2. Nominees, anyone?

Watch out for more dumbness…

The Grandest Finale of All

TV - Reality - The Gist

All photos courtesy of the Star Quest site



Located somewhere in Lagos is an event venue that will go down in history as the one place that has been a cradle for a new bevy of stars. That place is the Ocean View Restaurant.

The Expo Hall of the Ocean View Restaurant was the cradle, 10:05 pm on Saturday, 10th May, 2008 was the Estimated Date of Delivery and the Star Quest Grand Finale was the birth event.

The thrilling star-studded event - anchored by Gbenga Adeyinka The First - kicked off with a mini-documentary called “The Journey so far” chronicling how 36 talented musicians who were chosen out of the multitude that applied for auditions formed 6 great bands and were later whittled down to just 3. For the 3 remaining bands, Expozee, The Diamonds and Da Heritage, this was their night of glory as the finals of Star Quest 2008 were broadcast live on the NTA.

Next on the programme after “The Journey So Far” were stage performances from each of the 3 finalist bands doing two of their originally composed and produced tracks. First up on stage were The Diamonds who got to strut their stuff with two locally-flavoured, energy-filled dance performances. Despite their obviously well-rehearsed pieces and being spurred on by their huge fan base, the performances looked a tad weak compared to their Fameland average. Their choice of Afro-rhythmic dance tunes: “This Life Wey We Dey (Face Reality)” and “Ju’di” (roughly translated to mean dance in the Yoruba language) delivered a relatively weak punch and left beautiful Ajumoke Nweze, best vocalist that she is, conceding most of the vocals and stage presence to pot-bellied band leader, Anthony Iwediunor.

The fine boys and lovely sisi of Da Heritage were next. The purpose of this band as revealed by band leader and lead male vocalist Chukwudi Ubido, in the mini-documentary that preceded their performance was to fuse Western and local influences into their music. As female vocalist Glory Odey was also apt to point out, this group didn’t have the best in the vocal department and their first song, “Why You Go?” a love ballad imploring a runaway heartthrob to return, did bring this vocal flaw to the fore. Adding to their troubles was the clash of musical instruments which drowned the vocals at certain times during the performance. “Why You Go” was a very sentimental track with its slow beginning, touching lyrics and crescendo ending but Da Heritage just didn’t seem to carry the stage well not unlike their Diamonds predecessors.

“Jisi Ike”, their second track which was a sort of clarion call did far better than the love song. The motivational/solidarity anthem with a catchy hook encouraging the struggling peoples to “Jisi Ike” (Hold On) and be strong no matter the hardships they face was very sing-a-long-ish, reminiscent of Styl-Plus’ “Stay Alive”. Da Heritage did their crescendo bit at the end again which seemed to work well for them.

And then it was the turn of Expozee… Trust me, it’s hard to take back all the bad things that have been said previously about this group because tonight of all nights they seemed to finally realize what they came there for. And it wasn’t passive bandleader, 25-year old Emmanuel Aika or the dance seductress, Nnedi Ezirim who held the magic wand either. It was lead guitarist turned male lead vocalist, Seun Adegboye who blew the crowd away!

Taking off straight from the launch pad, all boosters firing, the group led off with “Jaiye”, a song extolling the uniqueness of Life and celebrating living fully in the moment. Seun, in a style which called to mind the likes of King Sunny Ade, led the group in the rendition of this piece which predictably got everyone off their seats and gyrating to the soulful tunes of Highlife. There wasn’t a single soul, African or expatriate, that wasn’t moved by that song! And boy! Did they dance…?

Omale Sunday, probably a little bit conscious of the spell Seun had placed on that crowd then took up the spotlight tearing everything lyrically apart as he took it on down, way down to the Ghetto. And Expozee showed everyone that when it gets down to the streets, they too can play dirty. The track title, “This Gbedu Na We Own” was self-explanatory. Whether it was galala, konto, makossa, whatever, Nnedi laid it down on that dance floor and Seun once again threw the lyrical mud all over the place with his Yoruba rap. It was a no-contest. If Star Quest was to be won solely on that night’s performances, then Expozee were the clear-cut winners: this Gbedu was definitely theirs.


The Music Videos

After the live performances, it was time again for the bands to try and impress second time around but this time in celluloid as their debut music videos were unveiled to the public. The Diamonds cleverly decided to do a switch, this time screening a music video called “Tempted” which showcased Blessed Edewor’s singing abilities. When the video ended, I couldn’t help but wonder why he had been content to stay behind all this while. Da Heritage, on the other hand chose not to change a winning formula as “Jisi Ike” came on once again. Expozee, also following the same pattern, stuck to the “Jaiye” song for their video maybe hoping lightning would strike twice.

In all fairness, all three videos were wonderful in showcasing the cinematic skills of the TV production company, though Heritage’s video was the champion here. The transition of the video from its Black & White intro till the screen burst forth in living colours towards the start of the chorus was visually gratifying.

But all these last minute climatic bursts of brilliance weren’t going to determine who would carry the day. After all it was the votes would count…

And the Winners were…

Their name was The Diamonds and that night was their time to shine. Parading arguably the best female vocalist, talented instrumentalists and a cool-headed band leader, The Diamonds wooed their audiences with their harmonious teamwork and hassle-free performances. While their stage work wasn’t always top-notch and their musical choices weren’t the best, they were guaranteed to deliver anytime unlike their rivals Expozee who sadly left everything till late and Da Heritage who maybe narrowly missed the winning formula.

Maybe in the end it boiled down to taking chances and the winning band continuously showed versatility in every task they had been given. The opportunities the music videos gave to showcase yet another of their songs was their trump card and The Diamonds fully grasped it with arms wide open. Apart from some hue and cry over the initial Eviction, this time a lot of Reality TV viewers went to bed satisfied that the REAL WINNERS had emerged.

And so the party wound to an end, the champagne was popped and The Diamonds got their ticket to stardom as they lofted high their cheque while the other groups felicitated with them and looked on in envy. Another era on the Nigerian musical landscape had come to a close with Diamonds becoming the official winners of Star Quest 2008.

It was a journey that had started weeks ago with a dream, a hope, a struggle, an online entry, a chance for an audition, cracked vocal chords, numb fingers, frustrations and evictions. It was a tough shot for stardom and they all won.

But for now The Diamonds shine with the stars…

The Night the Stars Went Home...

TV - Reality - The Gist

All photos courtesy of the Star Quest site

It was the finest of nights and it was the most horrible of nights. In one fell swoop, 3 of the 6 most talented rising bands in Nigeria had to kiss the silver screen and their millions of faithful viewers goodnight and go home.

In any typical TV Reality show, every Eviction event holds its own unique place but no other reality show does Eviction Night like Star Quest does. Only SQ has kept the distinction of having the best and worst night rolled into one and hours after watching the 3 bands with the least votes go home, the butterflies in many a tummy were yet to settle.

The seriously-dreaded, long-awaited, stomach-churning night eventually had to come around no matter how far away we viewers and they, the contestants wanted to put it off. Nigeria Breweries PLC’s talent show was gradually winding down and Eviction Night, 11:30 pm Thursday 8th May to 12:30 am Friday was the one of the signals heralding the end.

Expulsion night began with a recap of the pre-Eviction acts held the previous night where each band put in their best and sang their hearts out to solicit for hard-earned votes. Six blistering performances later, the contestants decided to do something that had never been done before in all the 4 Seasons of Star Quest; they all jointly composed and presented a Thank You song!

With all the unforgettable events that went on in Fameland, this was undoubtedly the most excellent. For a moment all divisions and band affiliations were forgotten as the 36 contestants threw in their individual and collective best to express their appreciation for being given the shot at celebrity status. The vocalists showcased the wonderful power of their chords as they hit their high notes, the horns led and the guitars followed smoothly like butter and silk; it was just simply beautiful, flaws and all…

But eventually, the instruments were silenced, the 36 Talents went to their rooms and the Deep Voice of Doom began the dreaded announcements. And soon the turntable stopped turning and the party ended for B-Sixz, Spectrum and Next…

The way the axe fell must have surprised many especially as the lack-luster Expozee got to stay at the expense of their better contemporaries like B-Sixz (which every other band said were the best apart from themselves). Also shocking was the elimination of the hardworking, confident, gender-equal Next whose female vocalists always strove to show their lyrical versatility while the only female drummer, Tope “Top Sticks” Odebiyi displayed her percussion prowess for the band.

But then, it was the votes that really, really counted…

And so the die was cast for the 3 other bands that would go on to make history: Expozee, Da Heritage and The Diamonds.

MN: The Philosophy

All Media - The Gist

Hi there everyone! Good News… Media Nemesis is still up and running. Better News… the anticipation is building. Best News… expect my very first review next post.

Want to know what I’m reviewing next post? Well, I’ve let the cat out of the bag at the end of this piece. But that is a post for another day. What I’m going to try and do today is get really serious and explain the Philosophy / Ideology behind Media Nemesis without using too many ambiguous words. (Did you ever notice that the word “ambiguous” sounds well… ambiguous?)

First, the Name:
Take the name Media Nemesis literally and you get this -

media: mass media - organizations such as TV, radio and newspapers that provide news, entertainment and information for the public

nemesis: literary - a punishment that is deserved and cannot be avoided; retributive justice

Figuratively though, the Media Nemesis name embodies a stage where the elements that make up what the Nigerian public sees, hears or reads as entertainment are appreciated, studied and x-rayed through my limited microscope. Limited? Yes! Even I am not so vain as to assume I’m Mr. Know-It-All.
Despite the negative connotation of the word ‘nemesis’, the key word here is JUSTICE. Due praise will be given to those who have earned it and due punishment, meted out literarily to those that deserve it.

Second, the Philosophy:
As explained in the previous post, the Philosophy behind Media Nemesis is this: Get shaped, give us the Best Possible Entertainment within budget costs, encourage Talent, Imagination, a bit of Radicalism and lots of Creativity OR get EATEN!!! With the number of years we’ve devoted to making and embracing entertainment, Mediocrity is no longer acceptable neither is Budget Limitation an excuse for lack of talent or a similar absence of Creativity.

Third, the Audience:
MN is for everyone who possesses two simple attributes: A Love for Entertainment and Objectivity. For those who possess these two qualities, even the obligatory long lengths of review reading material pose no deterrent.

Fourth, the Motto:
One of the mottos (out of the several) of MN is: No Friends, No Foes, No Godfathers… All are equal in the MN Arena and the views of friends, foes, critics and no-good busybodies will be welcome and where appropriate, even PUBLISHED.

Fifth, the Areas:
News, reviews, TV, movies, books, multimedia (even encompassing video games and interactive content), websites, blogs, etc. You name it, MN covers it!

Lastly, the Contributors:
In sharp contrast to several blogs and in tandem with the fourth point I just made, MN is an Open Forum blog. All objective contributions will be acknowledged and published where applicable though MAINLY at MY discretion.
Why encourage Public Contributors? Well, it would be impossible for me to personally cover and review every bit of local and international entertainment and moreover, a contributor might write a Review or a Rejoinder to one even better that I do.
And not even the Media Nemesis blog is too sacred to be criticized…

Want to be a Contributor, Correspondent or Respondent? Just send your contributions via e-mail to medianemesis@gmail.com or click on the Comments links to publish your comments. ALL contributions (stating name, nickname or e-mail address if possible) are welcome providing that the contributor acknowledges that the blogmaster has the discretion to edit the submitted material for relevance and brevity before publishing and to use same in any other way or media deemed fit though firstly with permission from the original contributor when possible… OK, I shut up!

PS: What better way to start my very first review that to kick-off with the Musical Album Review of Storm Records’ self-proclaimed 1st Lady, Sasha and her debut album aptly titled… you guessed right! “FIRST LADY”. Watch out!
See you next post!

Welcome to Media Nemesis

All Media - The Gist

Quote: “Television - all it has ever done is teach people how to tolerate mediocre entertainment”
Observer

Are you one out of the millions of Nigerians who possess a passionate love for all forms of entertainment and a critical eye for the media sector in general? Do you feel it’s about time the media shaped up? Are you fed up with being force-fed with run-of the-mill fare? Then this blog is for you!

What do you call a blog whose main attention is the objective, humourous, satirical (and occasionally sarcastic) review / critique of the (mostly Nigerian) mass media written from the point of view of an observer with an undisputable passion for entertainment, a fanatical addiction for music and an unfaithful love for television? You call it: Media Nemesis.

Welcome to my blog, my arena to express my views on what I feel is mainly wrong and mostly right with the larger entertainment scene just outside the immediate environs of our senses. Mediocrity is the ailment, Entertainment is the cure and Media Nemesis is my stethoscope.

Despite the seeming solemnity of the views expressed in this blog, I should probably here advice that readers may do well to take some things here with a bit of reservation, the proverbial pinch of salt. Just ask most chefs though and they will tell you that pinch can make all the difference between a masterpiece dish and supper left-overs. What exactly am I driving at? Though I take my blog and the views expressed therein seriously, there is no apparent need for me to shove them down the throat of any dissenter.

On your first rendezvous with this blog, you may be compelled to ask a few questions. In my usually laid-back posture, I want to imagine how my first interview with you would go:


Q: What is Media Nemesis?
A: What? Oh? Can’t you read?

Q: Who authors MN?
A: MN is written by me, JonXavier Ashiedu Ibusa III, a cyberholic computer aficionado, entertainment/media consumer extraordinaire and partially-employed Nigerian who still thrives on the welfare and goodwill of his siblings. This particular brand of family generosity enables me watch a lot of television in the first place while working on my computer in the hopes of starting an Internet-based business, study for an ICT certification and apply for any kind of employment online or offline, seriously hoping that an HR Head somewhere will turn a half-blind eye and eventually give me better employment someday. (Sigh…) Typically just one out of the large percentage of our Nigerian wrongfully-employed…

Q: Are you really serious?
A: Yes, I do take my views, reviews and opinions seriously though here I feel it is appropriate to say they are STRICTLY my OWN views, reviews and opinions. As for me being serious myself, weeeeeell…

Q: So what can we expect from reading your blogs?
A: OK. Just like I been saying for some time now: My most objective opinions, views, reviews, news gist, gossip and speculation on virtually everything ENTERTAINMENT, bearing in mind that that will be the FULCRUM on which all of these will lean on. And so, I, JX A I the Third, do solemnly swear to tell it EXACTLY AS IT IS, WITHOUT BIAS, PREJUDICE, FAVOUR OR FLOURISH, IRRESPECTIVE OF WHOSE OX, HORSE, COW, GOAT, TURKEY, FOWL, LIZARD, RAT, ANT OR MICROBE IS GORED, AMEN!

Q: Why a blog?
A: Actually, the financial implications of website hosting is a privilege that can not be taken for now. After being introduced to blogging as a suitable stepping stone to join the World Wide Web experience, I’ve embraced it wholeheartedly in the interim. Of course, the site plans are still in the pipeline, so to speak, so don’t be surprised when this blog eventually matures to become a full-blown site complete with videos, discussion groups, dedicated fanbase, etc.

Q: What exactly are your Entertainment credentials?
A: Credentials? None, actually. But what are YOUR readership credentials?

Q: OK. So who REALLY are you that gives you the RIGHT to be a critic?
A: (Sigh…) Well, plainly speaking, I’m just this fun-loving dude who loves writing first and entertainment second. This blog is thus the best marriage of both passions. Also as a long-time entertainment devotee, I bet that gives me the right to express my opinions publicly when so concerned as most people do privately…

Q: Are you affiliated to any record company, TV or radio station, entertainment outfit, etc specifically bent on promoting specific personalities or your clients, so to speak, while running others down?
A: Let me answer that question this way. Our major motto on Media Nemesis is this: NO FRIENDS, NO FOES, NO GODFATHERS…

Q: So do you own any…
A: (Cuts in shouting) That’s enough! I’ve got lots of stuff to write instead of just answering dumb questions! Shoo! Get movin’ man!

PS: Got any really serious questions to ask? We’ll continue this later. Meanwhile just send them via e-mail to medianemesis@gmail.com or medianemesis@yahoo.com or click on the Comments link to drop a comment. I promise to answer ALL of them sometime soon. See you next post!