Hate It Or Love It

We hate ads. Whenever they come up on the TV or we hear them on the radio or we catch a glimpse of the gargantuan billboards, our first instinct most of the time commands us to either pick up the remote, change the channel or just look away in exasperation.

Now here’s a Newsflash for you: Ironically, we also sub-consciously love ads too! Statistics show that a large amount of purchases we make or services we subscribe to stem not just from word-of-mouth recommendations of friends and family but are also based on the adverts we see, hear and instinctively like.

To cut the long story short, ADs DO WORK and companies, recognizing this, virtually break the bank and sink large percentages of their revenue into their ad campaigns while the advertising companies jostle for their fat accounts.

Most adverts it seems can be broadly classified into 3 categories: ads to die for, ads to ignore and ads that make you slowly die inside. Here are just a few ads which screen regularly on Nigerian TV that fall into these categories especially the first:

Ads To Die For

The BMW 1 Series: This Coscharis Motors’ driven ad takes the award for being one of the most imaginative ads out there. It features two BMW 1 hatchbacks (one white, the other black) each driven by a guy and a lady as they race each other down a highway which winds its way through several stops marked with beautiful scenery.
Now here comes the imaginative bit. Along the way, the sky changes from daylight when the white vehicle is ahead to nighttime whenever the black one overtakes which happens several time in the course of the ad all this happening while the special inner and outer features and selling points of both cars are discreetly shown to you. By the time they both come to a halt at the end of the race the daytime and night sky fuses to form a breath-taking eclipse of the sun.
Imaginative. Brilliant. Beautiful.

Etisalat’s 0809ja For Life: For once, I’m actually putting my skepticisms aside to like the wrapping paper before I actually peek at the gift wrapped inside. Etisalat is yet to launch (at least in my area) so I have no idea what their services will be like but I just LOVE this advert.
I’m talking of the particular one that features Banky W. strutting along a rapidly morphing backdrop of club-lights-inspired colours, a swimming pool and a basketball court singing the Etisalat theme song in that voice that only a Banky W. can have.
This ad is very youth-oriented and I like the bit where he pauses and shows the 0809 tattoo near his biceps while answering the phone. Of course there are several weak points in the ad like the entire basketball scenes and the wacky dancing at the very ending but, IT’S 080 - 9JA FOR LIFE, BABY!

Emvite Super from Emzor Pharmaceuticals: It does look a bit like an amateurish ad and the chick in it isn’t really so hot but she does somehow manage to get 2 guys to chase after her so I guess she’s OK. The setting is simple. Two guys scope out the chick for a while then when she gets into a taxi both of them break out into the race of their lives to track her down and claim the price. One of them of course tires quickly while the other (buoyed up no doubt by Emvite Super) coolly dashes after the taxi, runs up and down several flights of stairs and still presents the belle with a long-stemmed rose without breaking out in a sweat.
My elder bro actually took just one look at this ad and declared he’d rather save his energy and stop and chat up the other two girls whom the guys run past

Stanbic IBTC’s Guardian Angel-type ad: Check this out: You wake up in the morning and see a blurry image of a guy in a suit who has been watching over you while you slept. You clear your eyes and poof! He’s gone! You try to put your foot down on the floor and mysterious hands put your slippers underneath them. This blurry suited guy not only hangs around as you prepare for work but actually sits on the trunk of your car as you drive there.
Spooky, isn’t it?
Well that’s the new wave of Stanbic IBTC’s ad though the overall theme is meant to be that of reassurance and not fear; reassurance that their staff are always watching over you and your affairs even when you sleep (I wish I could actually feel reassurance instead of the usual skepticism with which I view ALL financial institutions).
The place in the ad were I like is the part where you see a busy highway with the corporate male and female “guardian angels” sitting on the trunks of each and every car in sight. It sort of reminds me of a scene from “City of Angels” and must have taken a whole lot of planning and daring to shoot.
And did I mention that the main “guardian angel” actually looks like Vitalis, a guy I used to know in my university days?

Zain’s TruTalk & TruTxt: Compared to Zain’s other relatively weak, ubiquitous ads and despite their distastefully-coloured premises, the fact that commercial is CGI-animated actually does boost its eye appeal. The rapping 3D animated characters are all dressed in hip Naija-styled Hop-hop gear complete with the bling-bling and clutching their cellular phones while the lyrics of their rhymes scroll underneath your screen karaoke-fashion just so in case you should think the words are phat enough to make you want to lip sync them.
This advert is targeted at the young and fly so if you don’t understand all the lingo in the preceding paragraph, then it’s definitely not aimed at you and you’ll probably never understand it anyway.
As for me, I like it just fine coz it’s TRU!

“It Begins With You”: These series of ads became popular with the advent of the “Imagine Africa” TV reality show and each one in the series compels the viewer to first of all imagine a HIV-free generation of Africans. Some of these ads actually portray how circumstances like peer pressure, the lack of proper sex education alongside the communication gap between parents and children could lead to the spread of the disease. Yet another one shows the relevance of going for HIV testing and how by individually dealing with stigmatization, we can better understand how to get along with PLWHAs (People Living With HIV/AIDS).
Now, it’s no use looking over your shoulder or pointing fingers whenever the ads play. Yes, HIV can be conquered in Africa and yes, we can have a HIV-free generation but just like the ad says, “It Begins With YOU!”

MTN’s “Go Start Something”: Yeah, yeah, I’ve watched it like a million times but I still look up anytime I hear the nursery rhyme soundtrack to see that little girl fly up that staircase and “go start something”. I just wish MTN could give us some other very imaginative adverts like this one and the funny “Share & Sell PIN ad (the advertised code doesn’t work by the way) and scrap the “Go Join The Winning Team” and “XtraCool” ads.
The variety and sheer number of people used to shoot this ad and the perfect editing of the hand-clap choreography must have given the Casting crew and Director sleepless nights but it all turned out good in the end (by the way, did you spot the very fat girl somewhere down the line in the street hand clapping chain? She appears and does a little hop - big skirt and all - just after another runs past to fill a gap in the line). Also, the shaky zooming in and out camera effect gives the viewer the impression as if we are viewing the commercial out of our very own handy-cams.
I might seem biased but in all honesty, the telcos and the banks seem to make the best ads nowadays anyway.

Ads To Ignore

Since we largely ignore them anyway is there any use listing them out? Adverts that fall into this category include the commercials for toothpaste, soaps, air refreshners, sanitary pads, food seasonings, tea, chocolate and milk drinks, detergents and any out of a thousand household items which we’ve been using since we were babies, adverts or no adverts.
Loosely bundled into this category are adverts that bear the mark of a Federal Government Ministry (except from NAFDAC of course) and the House of Assembly.
I also once used to like the “Heart of Africa” ads but nowadays I just choose to ignore them.

Plus An Ad That Makes You Die

Yardie’s 7 Point Agenda: If you are happen to be a frequent viewer of the NTA, you’re most likely aware that they keep a handy stack of ads cued ready to roll once they have transmission hitches. Yardie’s Manifesto ad happens to be sitting at the top of that stack right now.
When the broadcast signals fail, NTA gleefully puts on the 7 Point Agenda ad. When the Lagos Network Centre loses the picture, here comes the good old 7 Point Agenda advert to the rescue. When we can only see Ololade Adeniji-Adele or Bilikisu Liman from the Abuja Centre moving their lips without hearing the audio, the 7 point Agenda comes out of the bag once again sometimes also without the sound too. And when the 7 Point Agenda ad fails to play what next does NTA do? Why, they put on the 7 Point Agenda ad again!
Ironically, the ad is supposed to list out Yardie’s achievements but it actually does the exact opposite. I’m honestly sick and tired of constantly being reminded what exactly his administration promised and hasn’t delivered till now.

Politicians it seems, unlike ads will never change…

PS: This list is by no means exhaustive and before it crosses anyone’s mind, I do not seek to endorse any of the products / services mentioned here. As a matter of fact I’d rather watch “Super Story” and “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” without the ads, thank you very much!

Bits And Pieces 5: I’m Still Watching My Neighbour’s Idiot Box

Foreword:
Shortly after my last post, someone hit me up on FB to say: “Ol’ boy, why are you talking as if you wan die. Abi your girl leave you? Remember that people like me are still there for you.”

The message was private so I don’t know who the sender was but Thanks all the same. It would have just been a little bit nicer if I knew who exactly “was still there for me”.

No, I no wan die and yes, my girl did leave me a very, very long time ago but I’m going to be alright. Thanks for all the concern, blogville and here I present my B & P Part 5:

The Ass of an Ass is what?
So, all the conjecture was just that: conjecture, eh?

Plenty has been said already about the N.B.C.’s suspension and eventual release of the broadcasting license for Channels Television for supposedly announcing that Yardie was set to resign from office but I read an interesting piece by Steve Nwosu in the Daily Sun of Wednesday 17th September, which raises a lot of questions to mind.

Apart from all the back-and-forth between the Presidency and the Media, blaming the gist on hackers and all that, let’s not forget that the detention of some Channels TV and N.A.N. staff by the S.S.S. no matter how brief sharply brings to mind the gory glory days of Abacha when the same security arm used to hound staff of Tell Magazine for actually telling the truth.

Looking at it from one angle, Channels truly ought to have verified the authenticity of their stories before broadcasting giving its security implications - imagined or otherwise - and they have paid the price for putting sensationalism before professionalism. So I guess you could say Channels TV made an ass of themselves, right?

However, the NBC’s parodied flexing of its muscles in this way is just downright laughable to me. This was the same NBC that also suspended AIT’s broadcast license for the simple “crime” of being the first media house to give accurate accounts of the Lissa Village plane crash when various Ministers and top Government officials were busy contradicting each other, misleading the public on the actual location of the missing plane and prolonging the anguish of relatives.

Last I heard the Presidency is unhappy with SaharaReporters.com for publishing unflattering pictures of one of the First Kids or so. Who knows? Maybe, the next thing will be for the NBC to try suspending bloggers’ licences for blogging. At least that would give them something else to do (and apart from suspending licenses, what does the NBC do to promote broadcasting anyway?)

As far as I’m concerned the NBC is the ass of an ass. I would have stopped at just calling them an ass but this ancestor of the donkey took offence…

The Esama @ 74
NTA did it again! What’s making me indulge in my favourite sport of NTA-bashing this time? Well, they took up the entire morning of Sunday, September 14, 2008 broadcasting Igbinedion’s 74th Birthday celebrations. Of course I wasn’t so bored as to watch such drudgery but given I didn’t have much choice (haven’t been able to start up that cable TV fund I’ve been thinking of) I had to skip to the channel from time to time.

My personal Highlight of the broadcast was where the NTA reporter was interviewing the Esama himself after the church ceremony and tossed him a question about his happiest moments during the celebrations.

Esama started answering with the usual “every-day-is-a-happy-day” speech politicians know so well when he spotted someone off-camera. After enquiring from no-one in his entourage in particular if that was the Governor (?), he suddenly realized the microphone was still his face relaying his question to the over 40 million strong viewing audience. Displaying dexterity that belied his 74 years, he then deflected the mic down far away from his person and towards the floor leaving the said reporter feeling very embarrassed.

Luckily the director must have read the situation quickly and cut to another scene inside the church. By the time the Esama was ready to do the interview again, NTA decided they had had enough and this time they had the last laugh. They cut the interview on him!

Happy Birthday in arrears, Esama. May we all live till the glorious age of 74.

And while we’re praying Lord, may we never have EFCC-hounded children too. Amen!

So I Said It FIRST!
Remember when I spoke about the under-utilization of ATM’s when it comes to their advertising capabilities? Turns out the words were hardly out of my mouth before the banks finally caught on the idea. How do I mean? Just pay a visit to an ATM belonging to Bank PHB and you just might spot their adverts showing real time on its LCD display in full living colours.

Or at least there’s one I know that does. Went to the No. 53 Gbongan Road branch of the bank to carry out my plastic transactions and was pleasantly surprised to find the “Alfie The Talking Driverless Car” ad showing on the ATM screen. And it plays continuously from the very beginning through till the end until you pop in your card and the transaction menu takes over.

As a title screen clearly educated me, the real name of the ad is actually “Autodrive Version 2” (which is Version 1?) and it was directed by Jorge Rubia for Insight Communications/ Bank PHB and runs for all of 45 seconds.

And as the financial menu told me, my ATM card belonged to an Invalid Account and so I couldn’t withdraw any cash.

I still haven’t learnt the Twelfth Commandment obviously.

Another First
I swear, Sele Eradiri (of Newsline) reads this blog! If not, tell me how come she went about doing a story for Newsline on Sunday, 21st September about enforcing the use of helmets by commercial motorcycle riders and their passengers? Remember I told you the helmet allegations would soon hit Newsline?

Turns out what the helmet enforcement law the FRSC is trying to make mandatory by January 1st, 2009 has long been enforced in Calabar for years now. And thanks to Sele Eradiri and her many years of investigative journalism for bringing the helmet issue to the forefront. Lord knows she’s the only alive person on Newsline nowadays.

And please people, the helmets are for our protection. Having worked with radiology personnel for some months now, I have it on good authority that motorcycle accidents are usually the deadliest.

Pure Water Just Got A New Name…
Also of note on the same episode of Newsline was the product launch of Chi Industries’ ChiSecure Mineral Table Water, the first time ever that good old table water comes packaged in… wait for this… TETRA PAK!

That’s right! Chi Industries latest attempts at re-inventing the wheel now means that high class yoghurts, milk and fruit drinks shall have to suffer the indignity of sharing their cubic cardboard packing with our dear ordinary “pure” water. The ad for this innovative concept (please note the intended sarcasm) shows Nollywood’s Saint Obi all dressed up as Captain ChiSecure, a superhero character who battles it out in a with another disease-carrying superhero when the bad guy tries to infiltrate Chi Water’s much-touted double seal.

Interestingly, before the appearance of Captain ChiSecure in the aisles of the supermarket where the battle takes place, the dirty superhero succeeds in contaminating a bottle of what looks suspiciously like the re-launched Table Water of a competing leading brand with the label carefully blurred out. One would have thought the Nigerian ad companies have better things to do than this sort of underhand mud-slinging they’re resorting to nowadays.

On the plus side, the idea of Tetra Pak-ing is actually good news for environmentalists as it means more use for recycled cardboard and less plastic / PET bottles littered all over the place.

Chi’s table water does have a certain cool factor about it especially in its looks. And just think about it: at a recommended retail price of 70 Naira per liter, you can now fool your more ignorant friends, visitors and neighbours into thinking your fridge is fully stocked with Tetra Paks. After all no one’s to know it’s just water.

Unless you tell them of course.

Happy New Month!

Bits And Pieces 4: We Apologise For The Break In Transmission. My TV Has Gone POOF!

There! I claim the award for the longest title for any post on Blogville this week. OK, where’s my Oscar? Or is it my Blog-scar? Thank you very much, thank you!

That aside, I am feeling very peeved at the moment. Very, very, very, very peeved! And my current state of mind is going to be reflected in my post this week as I’m beefing on everything. Well, almost…

My TV Has Gone POOF!
Last weekend wasn’t nice for me at all. Matter of fact, it was mostly nasty. Got back from a business trip to Bida, Niger State (where everything seems so slowww) after working my butt of from Monday to Saturday, put on my TV first thing as I step into the house and POOF it goes up in smoke!

Turns out a high tension cable cut somewhere on the street causing 330 volts of electricity (I actually measured it) to surge through the house. Most surprising was the speed with which the PHCN guys appeared on the scene to correct the fault after (note the emphasis) my TV had blown.

The long and short of the gist is that I get to miss the ongoing Maltina Dance All reality show till I get the idiot box fixed so I can’t post about that for now. Sorry guys!

From The Dailies
One of the interesting offshoots of the Niger trip was that I got to read the newspapers, a pleasure I haven’t had in ages. It’s a shame really considering I used to devour the stuff ravenously in former times even reading past issues all the way back to the 60’s just to find what exactly was good about the good old days (there isn’t much of a difference from modern times really, just that the economy was far better).

There wasn’t much gist that interested me in the papers sha, just a few conspiracy theories about Yardie’s disappearance, updates on Big Brother Africa 3, a top-class article written by John Ebri titled “Stealing as Patriotism” and then the gossip about the Northern cleric called Ma’asaba with 86 wives (yes, eighty-six!)

And to think some guys can’t even get one! That man definitely has tons of game or the women must have been very shallow-minded because it makes you wonder what sort of magic pull he held over them. Guy sure must have been hung like a horse - no, make that a dinosaur - to keep all them women satisfied.

Last I heard a fatwa had been placed on his head unless he does as he had been told and divorces all but four of them or leave Nupeland for good. Unconfirmed sources say the Estu Nupe was getting so worried over the growing cases of female scarcity that he decided to break the monopoly once and for all …

Promos And Bank Woes…
First Bank has the Big Splash, Bank PHB says You Go Win, and UBA is offering the Savings Grand Slam. ‘Tis the season of bank promos again as they all strive to charm our hard-earned cash out of our pockets and into their air-conditioned vaults. Nice try, but if one wanted to write a book about bank woes it would be an encyclopedia.

My UBA account has been frozen for Lord knows how long just because I’ve been running it as a Corper’s Account for more than one year. Oddly enough I’d been trying to change it since I completed the service year but the pretty cashier always smiles at me each time I make a withdrawal and says no problem. Now I get to suffer the consequences of their inability to update their records.

Went to report at one of their branches at Abule-Egba but the idiot I met there kept insisting I produce an international passport, driver’s license or National ID card (I have neither) and current PHCN bill to prove my identity and place of residence. Beast-of-No-Nation that I am and the fact that I use a pre-paid meter in my house (which means I get no PHCN bills) made no difference to him as my explanations fell on deaf ears. Oddly enough, I wasn’t asked for any of these when I opened the account in the first place. Then, they were the ones begging me!

At least the guy I later met in their Osogbo branch was much nicer telling me my employee ID card and that PHCN bill (still!) were good enough. It’s just plain idiocy as far as I’m concerned but I’ll just have to comply. Does anyone out there have a PHCN bill to lend me, please?

Attracting Fakeness
Either everything in Nigeria is turning out to be fake or I’m turning out to be a fakeness magnet. Can’t for the life of me understand why everything I buy nowadays barely lasts as long as it should, is cunningly mislabeled or turns out to be a total fake.

First case in point: I recently decided to upgrade the limited capacity of my 64MB microSD memory card for my phone to 256 MB since I’m getting tired of the old one. A visit to the nearby Chinese-phone seller and 900 bucks later and I emerge the proud owner of the said card. I go home, pop it into my phone, format the card, plug the phone to my PC and start uploading my music like crazy. Just 8 songs later and a window pops up to say the card is full! WHAT?

I check the card to be sure 256 MB is written on the body, and then thinking my PC is in one of its moods swings, I check the card properties only for it to read 24 MB! It’s so ridiculous! I didn’t even know SD cards could come with such small capacity. Needless to say, I returned the card sharpish and got a replacement and the guy was even good enough to load a few songs and videos on it as if to compensate me for the trickery. Interestingly, he carefully returned the fake one back to the packet just waiting for the next gullible customer to come along.

Then there’s the case of the fake (or rather) stale wheat loaf I bought for my boss from a supermarket in the Alekuwodo area of Osogbo. But that’s gist for another day…

The Lennox Lewis Of Music
The weekend wasn’t all sorrow, tears and blood though. At least I got to listen to the Leona Lewis “Spirit” CD. The album’s such a knockout I’m beginning to call her the “Lennox Lewis of Music” for the moment. I’m really digging that CD most especially as it’s a refreshing distraction from all the Hip-Hop based tracks one gets to hear nowadays.

My faves include the tracks “Bleeding Love”, “Better In Time”, “Yesterday”, “Take A Bow”, “Best You Never Had” and a couple of enduring classics like my perennial favourite, “First Time Ever I Saw Your Face”. Ironically, most of them are love-gone-sour, heartbreak type songs.

Leona sounds like at times like a mix of Mariah Carey, Alicia Keys, Shania Twain and Kelly Clarkson all rolled into one and her powerful lyrics hit home and hard too. If you’re looking for something fresh and you love music from any of these female artistes, then go grab this album from your friendly neighbourhood music store or pirate. You most definitely won’t regret it…

And Some Real Butt-Shaking!
After the disappointment of watching the Mo’ Hits music video for “Booty Call” (there’s hardly any booty in it by the way), I’ve learnt to be wary of songs that have the words: twist, wind, roll, shake or booty in their titles or lyrics. Then I also caught a video by a Naija dude called “Big Mouth” titled “Wyne Your Body” thanks to the Chinese-phone seller who downloaded it on my phone.

There’s nothing sensational / stunning with the songs or its lyrics and I’ve never honestly heard of Big Mouth before but the video features Naija girls for a change and wasn’t shot in the U.S., South Africa or even Kenya for that matter. Just good old Naija girls winding their entire bodies (not just their behinds) to a good old Naija-sounding song shot at a good old Naija location. Chikena!

I’m still trying to figure out the technicalities of uploading the stuff on YouTube so I can share it with you guys here but for now I’ll just keep on hitting rewind.

Now, where has that phone of mine gotten to…?

Next Stop, London

Sports - Olympics - Beijing 2008

According to an advert from Bank PHB shown constantly during the duration of the just concluded 29th Olympiad, a man needs to take more than 6 steps every second to beat the current 100 metres World record.

Well, Bank PHB lied…

Or rather, the Jamaican Usain Bolt proved them wrong using his long strides to beat not only the 100 metres but the 200 metres World records. And so the Beijing 2008 Olympics came to an end with the extinguishing of the Olympic torch that had burned steadily for the past 16 days marking the end of the Games that saw the breaking of over 40 world records and recording a large number of firsts.

During the course of the two weeks and two days broadcast, the world was held spellbound as several countries that were formerly tagged underdogs shocked everyone with their impressive showings on the medals table. On the other end of the divide, several big names failed to live up to expectations with their dismal performances.

Case in point of the former was Jamaica’s domination of the sprints with the “Thunderbolt” Usain doing most of the legwork. Nigerians however must have been very disappointed by the poor showings of their Team which failed to make any impact at all apart from the exploits of the male football team. Their well-earned silver medals plus 3 bronze medals in the athletics and Taekwondo was a fitting reflection of the fire-brigade approach that symbolized their state of preparedness.

Speaking of preparedness, the gains of planning ahead was evident especially when coupled with the power of determination. When American, Michael Phelps announced prior to the Games that he intended winning 8 gold medals in the swimming events, some people scoffed. Now after convincingly winning his stated 8 swimming medals, Michael is the one doing all the scoffing.

Phelps, Bolt and all the other new record holders must have trained hard, secretly breaking their respective world and Olympic records in their training facilities during the trials, each waiting for this chance to showcase their skills to an eager world. Their less-fortunate colleagues trained less, a few shot up on banned substances and all hoped to win.

In a closing ceremony that rivaled - if not surpassed - the opening ceremony, China pleased and wowed us with their pyrotechnics, gymnastic displays, stunning choreography, the non-stop ballet of lights and music and the selfless contributions of thousands of volunteers. From Beijing the baton now moves over to London which will play host to the world yet again 4 years from now. Heralded by the arrival of a double-decker bus, a stage performance by Jimmy Paige and Leona Lewis and the kick of a football into the crowd by poster boy David Beckham, London now shoulders the responsibility of making sure the world remains caught up in anticipation of the 30th Olympiad, London 2012.

Their inaccurate ad aside, Bank PHB does deserve FULL commendations for bringing this year’s games to the homes of the common people who wouldn’t have seen them otherwise. The up-to-the-minute broadcast of events as they happened has never been done in this country before. Let’s just hope four years from now there’ll be a Bank PHB to do same.

A rare display of thanks should also be duly given to NTA and the other BON studios for keeping our TVs alive with the best broadcast of the Olympics so far. They won an unrecognized silver medal. And while we are at it, we might as well give a rusty iron medal to the Power Holding Company for keeping the power on a bit more regularly. Or maybe to that your friendly neighbour with the noisy generator.

Oh, and lest I forget, there was one more gold medal that wasn’t listed on that table. It was given to the best Olympic viewer and was won by a Nigerian… Me!

See you in London…

Bits And Pieces: Quick Takes On Entertainment

All Media - The Gist - Summarized

Street-ctly Credible
Caught glimpses of 9ice’s “Street Credibility” music video on Celtel’s Central Station Special on Wednesday July 23, around 8:30 pm or so. It’s sure been a long time coming and just like his moniker, the music video is nice too. However, after the initial dose I couldn’t help not feeling a bit unimpressed. The said video contains the same HD camera-shot footage, impressive backdrops, panoramic jib camera angles and feature artistes that are now slowly and steadily become a staple in almost all Nigerian music videos.

The trend is beginning to look like you can get away with a great music video even if the song in question is trash. Whatever happened to funny, simple or just plain crazy music videos? Or the ones with storylines like Djinee’s “I No Dey Shame” or Beautiful Nubia’s OST video for Tunde Kelani’s movie? (And another thought: How come the musical videos’ cinematic innovations are yet to migrate over to Nollywood?)

9ice’s video features the likes of Ruggedman and 2shotz but what really did it for me was Tuface’s T-shirt. Am I seeing double or were the words “Enyimba FC” boldly emblazoned on it? Any eagle eyes out there please spot if this is so and report to me A.S.A.P. Wouldn’t it be great if Nigerian football clubs could get out their own clothing lines instead of all those Premier League knock-offs a.k.a. replica jerseys many Nigerian “fans” crave for?

The Advert Wars
The Bankers are at it again. When they’re not trying to impress us with their lending rates or P & L sheets, they take to slugging it out in the boardroom or the football fields. Or our TV screens for that matter.

It’s no secret that Skye Bank PLC and Bank PHB are always going neck to neck with each other when it comes to advertising but guess what: now I think it’s about time I get to choose the winner.

Ok, so both banks decided to employ good music pieces for their ads. Good point but Skye Bank’s “Yes” attitude didn’t go down well with me when they decided to mutilate the “Lion King” soundtrack. If I was Cobhams Asuquo the Maestro Extraordinaire, I’d have distanced myself from such a debacle.

I guess I speak for all die-hard Disney fans to say I cringe anytime I hear “Hakuna Matata” sounding like it was edited with a machine gun or watch the nonsensical choreography in the two TV versions of that ad. Even my baby niece won’t dance to that.

PHB’s choice of R. Kelly’s “The World’s Greatest” showcasing the extraordinary capabilities of ordinary people (the so-called P H Beings) is the clear Advert War winner. For now…

As for me, I trust neither. It will take more than good music and a beautiful ad to stop me keeping my money under the mattress.

Between Power And Passion
Once upon a time, there was a certain energy drink in powder form called Power Fist that never seemed to catch on with the market even after it adopted the Koko Master as its brand icon. Saw the marketing dames/dudes behind it on one episode of The Apprentice Africa trying to re-brand their stuff.

Passion Energy drink, another competitor in the same sector entered into the game some months back and these guys are choosing to fight dirty even if the weapon employed involves some subtle name-calling. Pray, is there a better explanation for the Passion drink’s slogan which categorically states: Passion Pass Power!

If anyone has another interpretation of this, please let me know.

Sh*t Mennn!
No, I’m not the one swearing but a certain Radio OAP (On-Air Personality) was actually doing so! Happened to catch a certain Radio phone-in programme on LivingSpring 104.5 FM, Osogbo on Wednesday, the 9th of July or thereabouts. Time was going on 11 pm and the topic was on women who double-date.

Now, I don’t know the rationale behind the choice of topic but the contributors seemed to be feeling the gist. Then a certain female caller comes on air. Girlfriend wisely states that “…women date more than one guy because they want to have a spare in case one of them f**ks up”.

Being used to the Rhythm 93.7 Port Harcourt OAPs’ choice of punishment for using expletives which could take one of two forms: either getting the caller to apologize for using the f-word or cutting off the call altogether, I was a little bit uneasy when LivingSpring’s OAP goes ahead to parrot the caller, f-word for f-word.

Now I ain’t no prude but I sure was startled when the call drops while female caller was stating her point and homeboy yells out: “Sh*t Mennn! What is wrong with this network?”

No bad feelings, brother. I feel your pain too! Let’s just keep it clean on-air, OK?

Still Speaking of Ads…
After dissing them on the subject, the Onga Ad disappeared for a while and I thought they were listening. Who-sai? The ad is back in full force, further incurring my wrath and continuously embarrassing my poor dear Kate all the time. Unlike many people, I happen to really watch adverts - almost with movie-like dedication I must add.

Her excessively made-up “daughter” in that ad who brandishes an equally heavily made-up accent by the way, looks like she should be almost Kate’s age (hence the make-up) and I don’t still get the Onga/Tradition link.

Can anybody explain that ad to me as well? Maybe I’m getting slow… or maybe Iya Basira has been putting too much Onga in my food again…

Ko Won Je
That’s the title of another video I caught on CCS. This one is by Big Bamo featuring Tolu, all formerly of Maintain fame. The beat was good, I liked the changing tempos and switched beats and those killer dancers (they look like kids to me - I’m seeing double again) sure know how to step.

My only beef? The set did look a tad monotonous throughout the video. And as for the rap? Guess I didn’t notice till now how Olu and Tolu sound so alike.

And GUSsy Comes Visiting…
Lest I forget, my TV friend came visiting at night on the 19th of July. That’s right, the Gulder Ultimate Search began in earnest just as I’d hinted you earlier and this time there was no postponement in broadcast like after the unfortunate circumstances of last year.

In fact if death would have been mentioned in the same breath as GUSsy, it must have been when I was swearing at the maloo NTA Program Scheduler. Whoever it was decided to start showing Charley Boy and Tunde Obey’s “Zoomtime” in the time slot that had been hyped all day for the Ultimate Search. Luckily for them, me and the TV I almost smashed, they switched back just in time for me to see re-runs of the previous editions of GUS.

OK, the re-runs are long over, the selected 40 have been drilled at the Lagos Sea School and the preliminary 18 whittled down to the final 10 Ultimate Men and Women. So, grab your remotes, refuel your generators, and get ready to be entertained for the next 11 days or so.