Bits And Pieces 7: Music Videos vs. music videos, Football And Christmas…

So I decided to do another B & P so soon after the last one? Sue me!

Stepping to Sexy Music
You can hardly switch on the TV nowadays without catching Jordin Sparks’ “One Step At A Time” video. That’s one hell of a great song and the video sets it off beautifully. It just goes to show that you don’t need a country’s budget, countless locations or a massive crowd of extras to shoot a good video. Nigerian video directors need to dump the helicopter and Moet and start looking on incorporating street scenes in their works (not the dirty Lagos street scenes please. Or the ones where they show girls dancing on top of danfo buses…)

Also of note is Ne-Yo’s “Independent Woman” video which features Gabrielle Union as his boss (now, which man wouldn’t want to work under Gabrielle U?) and goes to prove what we’ve always known anyway: Ne-Yo is a great musician and songwriter, looks nice in suits and is a bit lacking in the height department. Gabrielle also still has her sexy witch looks which keep heads turning.

And speaking of sexy women, Nick Cannon must be the luckiest man (or boy) alive now. I mean how many of us get to marry the girl (sorry, woman) of our dreams? Caught Mrs. Cannon flaunting her heart-stopping curves on a recent music video that features T.I. and I was so intent making plans on how to assassinate Nick that I missed the title of the track.

Finally, spotted Madonna in a video from her “Confessions On The Dance Floor” album exercise-dancing seductively alongside some other male dancers in the background young enough (or is it old enough) to be her sons. At certain points in the video, now it’s rather hard to find the words to describe this but she figuratively has sex with music! Let your imagination fill in the rest…

Boy, does it feel good to be as old as she is and still make little boys lick their lips…

Music Videos vs. music videos
Still on the issue of music videos, I watched a lot of them on EATV, Channel 5 lately thanks to a recent trip to Bida, Niger State and a rogue cable subscription in the house I stayed in there.

Most of the EATV gist is in a language I don’t understand but they do show some cool foreign videos though the percentage is very low compared to those of East African origin. Of course, the mix wouldn’t be complete without showing Nigerian music videos and Sasha / Storm Records, the Mo’ Hits crew and P Square mostly rep Naija on the EA musical landscape. And boy! the Naija videos have got WAAAAY more class than the East African videos which still look like they are been shot with handy cams.

Out of several things I’ve noticed though, the East Africans have far less reservations when it comes to showing skin on TV unlike their West African counterparts and they do look cool like that. But without wanting to sound unduly patriotic when it comes to eye candy we all know the Naija babes still rule the competition though they seem to be taking a second spot compared to the South African chicks of mixed parentage.

To tell the truth, most of the East African entertainment programmes do look pretty wack (I can’t hear what they’re saying anyway) plus Zain Networks and another unknown telecom company called Tigo seem to sponsor everything in East Africa from talk shows to street shows to even the news. I’ll give it to the East Africans though; they do seem so proud of their languages and incorporate it as much as possible into their music.

If there’s one thing both types of videos have in common, it’s this: The massive copycatting of the foreign rap stars’ bling-bling Hip-Hop culture.

And the absence of men wearing briefs and dancing seductively…

Female Football & A Flight Of Fancy
Yardie can be a fine boy sometimes. Of course the 20 sacked Ministers, the staff of Channels TV and Jonathan Elendu are not going to agree with me but I almost kissed his forehead when he rescinded the earlier decision that would have stopped the country from hosting the Under-17 World Cup in 2009. That means I may finally be able to boast of watching a World Cup match on home soil having missed the opportunity in times gone past. Yardie’s change of heart aside, you can be sure almost nothing will be done until the last moments when we’ll gladly roll out our bright red (green) fire brigade trucks.

On the female angle, one of the benefits of watching cable TV is that you’re bound to find the odd channel broadcasting the odd tournament. I previously had absolutely no idea that the female Under-17 World Cup was holding in New Zealand last month until I caught the live broadcasts on Capital TV. The Nigerian female team really won my heart in one of their past matches by hanging on to a 2 - 2 draw even after going one man down (sorry, one woman down) against the Brazilian team when the ref harshly sent off goal-scorer Ebere Orji. The Samba girls though almost made them pay dearly for the lack of a finisher with their well-played free kicks.

Things did get very tense and a head-to-head collision had Nigeria playing with just 9 girls against Brazil’s 11 at one point but one relatively amusing aspect in the match was a Nigerian player who goes by the name “MacFancy”.

The Super Falcons on the other hand were hoping to steam-roll over all their other African competition in the ongoing African Women’s Championship, qualify for the female World Cup as usual and then fail woefully as has always been their due. How sad…

No More Miss Goody-Two-Shoes
Michelle Williams, usually the cool-headed, most reserved member of the defunct Destiny’s Child has finally decided that she’s not going to let only Beyonce and Ms. Kelly steal the spotlight when it comes to bringing sexy back!

Spotted the former Miss Goody-Goody proudly parading her stuff in a thigh-length killer dress and the occasional black cat suit in a musical video “We Break The Dawn” featuring rapper Flo-Rida. Girlfriend used to be so good before, it almost looked like a “sin” watching such a blood-pumping video and as you rightly guessed, “We Break The Dawn” ain’t Gospel music.

Bad sales in the religious genre of music most probably must have made Ms. W throw away the choir gown for a cat suit and raunchy dance steps and it will be interesting to see if she continues “back-sliding” or does the split personality thing and releases albums in both religious and secular genres. Or maybe she’s finally just discovered she’s “all-woman”.

After all, it’s actually quite annoying seeing Beyonce blatantly flaunting her curves on TV especially when you know you’re just as appropriately “blessed”. And Gospel music alone can’t pay for that daily gym workout or the cat suit for that matter…

MTN Also Delivers
First of all, this is not a paid advert. Secondly, I dislike endorsing companies especially the telecoms but I just have to hand it to MTN on this one. After my recent inability to carry out a credit transfer I was surprised to get the following text from + 234 803:

“We apologize for your recent difficulties with loading airtime. We will credit your account tonight with N60 airtime as a token for the inconvenience.”

Now, compared to all the inconveniences I’ve going through lately, 60 bucks ain’t squat but the fact they were true to their word and did send the token at night impressed me with their sincerity. (Moreover 60 bucks equals to 12 extra SMSes and can make all the difference between free or no night calls)

Glo, on the other hand, would never send such a text in the first instance. They aren’t so careless as to have airtime/ recharge issues and I’m beginning to suspect Glo recharge cards will sometimes load even when there’s no network signal!

Return Of The Queen
Before she was telling us to “Jebele, Jebele”. Now she wants us back and says “Jowo, Biko”. Women always seem to have a hard time making up their minds.

What am I talking about? Qween’s latest single “Jowo, Biko” (meaning “Please, Please” or “Abeg, Abeg” in the Yoruba and Igbo / Pidgin English tongues) is out and spinning on a radio close to you. I must admit, I never gave the Qween her due respect before now (maybe her dentition was partly to blame) but after dropping these two hot singles, I can’t wait to hear what the whole album will sound like.

Heard Qween in a phone interview with Ice on Grace 95.5 FM, Bida say she’s got not just one, but two albums ready but she’s having difficulties with the marketers. She also spilled the beans on her upcoming marriage when she returns to Nigeria (no mention of who Mr. Right is though) and the fact that she’s expecting a second baby too!

Qween absolutely kills you softly on this Cobhams-produced soulful track and she’s definitely going to go places with those silky seductive tones of hers. I’ve got just one piece of advice for the Afro wig-wearing musical sovereign though: Qween, jowo, biko, settle your issues quickly with the Alaba Market boys before the pirates lift your singles off the radio and launch your “albums” before you do. Ask 9ice what he suffered at their hands before the release of his “Gongo Aso” album.

Xmas Jingles
The yuletide’s around the nearest corner and once again the marketing gates are firmly open drowning us in the advertising avalanche which compels us to buy this and buy that at “half” (= same) price. As we rush into the shopping malls, the sounds of cash registers have now replaced the sound of Christmas bells and the reason for the season has been long forgotten.

Anyway, enough of the preaching. In a quirky sort of personal tradition, I always take mental note of when and where I hear my first Xmas jingle for the year and this year it was on Livingspring 104.5 FM, Osogbo on November 1st. Maybe the fact that I’ve been on the road since then is to blame but I’m yet to hear or see another one after that which is rather unprecedented in all my Xmas years.

Sales of bangers and the Harmattan weather have been rather slow too (especially in certain parts of the Southwest) and I hear the global economic crisis is partly to blame for that one! Anyway, wear appropriate clothing when it’s cold, have a hanky ready for the dust and stock up on cardigans, jackets, tea and essential balms before their prices increase. Or even better, just get a brand new, 24-hour, hug-inclined boyfriend.

Merry Xmas in advance people!

Peace…

Next Stop, London

Sports - Olympics - Beijing 2008

According to an advert from Bank PHB shown constantly during the duration of the just concluded 29th Olympiad, a man needs to take more than 6 steps every second to beat the current 100 metres World record.

Well, Bank PHB lied…

Or rather, the Jamaican Usain Bolt proved them wrong using his long strides to beat not only the 100 metres but the 200 metres World records. And so the Beijing 2008 Olympics came to an end with the extinguishing of the Olympic torch that had burned steadily for the past 16 days marking the end of the Games that saw the breaking of over 40 world records and recording a large number of firsts.

During the course of the two weeks and two days broadcast, the world was held spellbound as several countries that were formerly tagged underdogs shocked everyone with their impressive showings on the medals table. On the other end of the divide, several big names failed to live up to expectations with their dismal performances.

Case in point of the former was Jamaica’s domination of the sprints with the “Thunderbolt” Usain doing most of the legwork. Nigerians however must have been very disappointed by the poor showings of their Team which failed to make any impact at all apart from the exploits of the male football team. Their well-earned silver medals plus 3 bronze medals in the athletics and Taekwondo was a fitting reflection of the fire-brigade approach that symbolized their state of preparedness.

Speaking of preparedness, the gains of planning ahead was evident especially when coupled with the power of determination. When American, Michael Phelps announced prior to the Games that he intended winning 8 gold medals in the swimming events, some people scoffed. Now after convincingly winning his stated 8 swimming medals, Michael is the one doing all the scoffing.

Phelps, Bolt and all the other new record holders must have trained hard, secretly breaking their respective world and Olympic records in their training facilities during the trials, each waiting for this chance to showcase their skills to an eager world. Their less-fortunate colleagues trained less, a few shot up on banned substances and all hoped to win.

In a closing ceremony that rivaled - if not surpassed - the opening ceremony, China pleased and wowed us with their pyrotechnics, gymnastic displays, stunning choreography, the non-stop ballet of lights and music and the selfless contributions of thousands of volunteers. From Beijing the baton now moves over to London which will play host to the world yet again 4 years from now. Heralded by the arrival of a double-decker bus, a stage performance by Jimmy Paige and Leona Lewis and the kick of a football into the crowd by poster boy David Beckham, London now shoulders the responsibility of making sure the world remains caught up in anticipation of the 30th Olympiad, London 2012.

Their inaccurate ad aside, Bank PHB does deserve FULL commendations for bringing this year’s games to the homes of the common people who wouldn’t have seen them otherwise. The up-to-the-minute broadcast of events as they happened has never been done in this country before. Let’s just hope four years from now there’ll be a Bank PHB to do same.

A rare display of thanks should also be duly given to NTA and the other BON studios for keeping our TVs alive with the best broadcast of the Olympics so far. They won an unrecognized silver medal. And while we are at it, we might as well give a rusty iron medal to the Power Holding Company for keeping the power on a bit more regularly. Or maybe to that your friendly neighbour with the noisy generator.

Oh, and lest I forget, there was one more gold medal that wasn’t listed on that table. It was given to the best Olympic viewer and was won by a Nigerian… Me!

See you in London…

With Love From China

Foreword:

Hello peeps!

As the Beijing 2008 Olympics wound down on Sunday it was no news that Team Nigeria made an appearance (finally!) on the medals table with one silver medal (not eleven as some people like to imagine) and three bronze.
My total ignorance of sports journalism aside, the next couple of posts represent my due reportage on the concluding events of the Olympics all the way from China, brought to you live from my bedroom as witnessed on a 14-inch colour TV:

Lawd Have Messi!
Despite the 5:00 AM kick-off time for the finals of the Olympic football event, many Nigerians (and Argentines too) woke earlier than usual to watch as the Dream Team IV lost by a lone goal suffering defeat at the hands of the boys in white and blue who clinched the Olympic gold medal in the football event.

Here are my reports as faithfully recorded during the Final match:

4:54 AM, Saturday 23rd August
It’s early hours on Saturday the 23rd of August in the year of our Lord 2008 and like a sizeable number of the Nigerian population I’m wide awake. In a few minutes from now, OUR boys, the Under-23 national football team will be filling out for the Finals.

I must admit, for someone who doesn’t watch much football, I’m rather nervous, almost as if I’m playing in the team myself. My tummy seems to be acting up but I’m ignoring the stupid thing. PHCN has been kind with the power, NTA opened on time and their broadcast signals look strong, Faze’s “Kolomental” is bumping on my earphones (I’ve been making free night calls since 3 AM, listening to music since 4 AM all in a bid to stay awake) and I’m wondering if the song doesn’t mirror my current mental state. I am very, very surprised at myself. I mean, I HARDLY watch football!

On the TV, the marketers are having a field day with various previously-unseen ads jostling for the few minutes before kick off. Most of them are irritating. The only exception is one that shows a high-heel shod model take on some guys in a football field as she traps, dribbles, parries and scores. Great ad, only I don’t catch the company’s name.

At last! Kick off and I sit back to watch Naija kick Argies ass!

10 minutes later…
Their boys seem to be dominating the field but I have no worries concerning our team’s ability to trounce them. As if to prove me wrong, one of them tries to fake a penalty but sorry, the referee’s too smart for that. Our defence holds strong but the fear of a certain Lionel Messi is still apparent in the air whenever he touches the ball. The Argies get a free kick which, much to my relief - and goalkeeper Ambrose Vanzekin’s - goes sailing over the bar. My stomach again!

20 minutes after that…
The commentators’ remarks on individual players cause me to smile, my only source of humour during the ordeal. One of them observes his colleague’s dilemma on realizing he’d be commenting on the Nigerian match giving that he is green-colour blind. The other talks about substitute Monday James’ interesting name and lack of a club and wonders on which day he was born.

All in all, Nigeria makes 5 goal attempts including a scorcher of a shot by Obinna Nsofor straight at the keeper. The ref too is not spared as another shot cannons off his back. Messi, true to form, fakes a penalty and due to a rule totally unknown to me, the players take a water break after 30 minutes due to the heat.

Three minutes after that, Osaze Odemwingie and Promise Isaac make two attempts at goal that gets my blood rushing very fast. In the melee, I even forget I have a stomach!

Exactly 37 minutes into the match…
PHCN STRIKES! WHAT?!? Inspired by Timaya I yell out, “Dem MAMA!” Temporarily shelving religion for fanaticism, I confine the entire staff of PHCN from the smallest cleaner to the biggest Oga to everlasting life in hellfire. And may Satan never take light there o! Thunder fire them!

Quickly searching for alternatives, I phone my sister many miles away to ask if the goalless score line has changed but she’s asleep! Imagine! Groggily, she gets up to turn on her TV. I start wondering if she comes from Sudan or something… Probably the Darfur area…

Roughly 5: 45 AM
The first half comes to a goalless end (no screams of “Goal!” from the neighbourhood yet, so I instinctively know this) and I’m still perplexed on what to do. Over in a neighbour’s house, his 2-stroke generator has been merrily chugging away since the blackout but I’m not that football crazy to knock on his door. Wouldn’t want to bet if he has a gun or not. Another type of 2-stroke engine kicks up as some adventurous youth gets on his okada to catch the action elsewhere.

My sister calls again to tell me of the goalless situation (which I know anyway) then she gleefully announces - in my own opinion - that PHCN has just struck in her area too! Think quick, I tell myself. What would Double - O - Seven do?

Roughly 6:10 AM
Just when I’m at my wit’s end, I recall my Samsung phone comes equipped with a radio. Foolish me! Plugging in the headset, I quickly scan the airwaves and catch a commentary on Gold 95.5 FM, Ilesha. As usual with radio commentary, the blood level rises even worse as I can’t see the action. Plain torture!

Then by about 6:19 AM, the sad news comes in: Nigeria has gone down by a goal. Almost immediately I feel a heavy dose of dread as I instinctively know we’ve lost the match.

The Rest of the Match…
Downcast, I prepare for work though with an ear still turned optimistically in the direction of the phone radio. Sadly, there is no good news, no redemption song to tell me we have equalized. Another attempt at goal for us! Soap in my eye, I beat Usain Bolt’s 100 metre record as dash out of the bathroom only to have my hopes dashed as the ball is saved yet again by the keeper.

As a distraction, I share a brief moment of elation as I marvel at the ease in which I just broke a world sprint record. Then I realize the distance I covered isn’t up to a hundred metres. Maybe next time…

At the End of the Match…
We win the silver medal! Though slightly disappointed, I realize it’s no use crying over losing the gold. Half full is better than half empty, if you catch my drift. On my way to work I swear, those Argies will see pepper come London 2012. By then Team Nigeria will show the world. We will surely win 8 gold medals.

The whisper of my inner voice comes clearly despite the din of the Suzuki Rascal bus conveying me to work. Eight gold medals? The chances of that are almost the same as me becoming the President of Nigeria…

Thrice Beaten, Twice Shy...

Sports - Beijing 2008 - Football

“And Obinna looks up to the sky and says ‘Thank you!’ while Goodson looks down to the ground and says ‘Oh no!’ "
- Commentator’s comment as Obinna Nsofor scores second goal against the USA in the ongoing Beijing Olympics football event.

Thrice Beaten…
Ok, I deserve it. Yes, I truly deserve it. The punishment, I mean of watching the Falcons suffer yet another defeat. And yes, I agree I swore not to ever watch them play again but it wasn’t entirely my fault that I broke my resolution barely 24 hours after making it.

In case I didn’t tell you before, being an avid watcher of ALL female sports especially gymnastics, volleyball, tennis and football (in that order), I swear there’s nothing that gets my testosterone pumping better than the hiking-up of a decidedly short skirt when those Williams sisters hit a sizzling service down the courts or the sights of all those things that make them female jiggle when their fellow feminine counterparts play the round leather game (not as if our female National team has much to jiggle anyway).

Plus: a certain blogger named Rayo put some thoughts in my head when she commented that maybe she’d consider signing up for the female National team (as if I thought I’d see her filing out against the Brazilian babes just like that!) And like I’ve said before, there’s something about female sports that can never keep me away.

So I decided to punish myself once again and watch them play against their Brazilian opponents. I admit the Brazilian female team was more than half the reason I endured le tortura in the first place. Apart from the United States team, this is one team that is undoubtedly all-woman (if you get my drift).

And with enemies like the ones I saw hammer our gals 3-1, men truly, who needs friends?

Twice Shy…
Since I’ve been breaking all my resolutions of late, I decided to watch the guys play too and I must say the match against the USA gave me more fun in the last five minutes than in the entire match! No one could have put it better than the commentator when he said: “Fans in the US and Nigeria must be biting their fingers by now. The fingernails have long gone!”

Now seriously, apart from their draw with the Netherlands, the male football team, Dream Team IV has twice come close to losing their victories over Japan and the U.S.A. Though the Nigerian team did emerge victorious in both encounters, the slim margins of 1 - 0 and 2 - 1 respectively is enough cause for concern.

Now I’m nowhere near a professional sports analyst and I’m very sure someone else somewhere must have done all the analysis on his/her blog but (whisper mode on) I have serious doubts about the Dream Team winning the Quarter final match against Ivory Coast.

The match starts in a few minutes. Ok, guys. I’ve expressed doubts in you. Now it’s your turn to GO OUT THERE AND PROVE ME WRONG!

PS: Back in Lagos… And loving it!
Ok, quickly: I’m back in Lagos after leaving for a very short while and this time it’s different ‘cause I brought my PC with me! Sadly I won’t be staying long enough to attend the Summer Bloggers Reunion next week. Verily, verily I say unto thee: Every day in this city is an eye-opener and I can’t wait to write about it when I get back to my base this weekend.

Stay posted!