Sunday, January 25, 2009

My Last Personal Post On MN?

Professionalism Vs. Personalism

You know my P, don’t you?

Your “P” according to Naeto C. as I once saw him explain on the Glo show is your persona, your personality or your swagger. It is what makes you, you.

But this is not about Naeto C. This is about me.

Over the past couple of months I’ve had serious dents to my “P”. I don’t have the “right” job. I seem to be on the wrong train. I’m stuck in the mud. I have had several personal problems that I won’t trouble you with here for now.

My swagger it seems has slowly turned into a stagger.

When I started Media Nemesis, I had dreams, I had goals. I had in mind a blog, an open forum, something akin to 14th & Serenity, an arena where anybody and everybody who had something good, bad and downright ugly to say about Entertainment could log in, express their views and log out.

I envisaged a gathering of intellectuals, an assemblage of literary geniuses each one contributing his / her part towards making the great Nigerian entertainment dream a reality. A place where we would work together with our chisels, gradually, painstakingly chipping away at The System until finally mediocrity would be uprooted not just by its roots but all its seeds and leaves would be burnt and blown away like chaff before the winds of creativity.

It would be through Media Nemesis (and our constructive criticisms) by which would ride the vehicle towards achieving the “impossible”: The Oscar-winning Nigerian movie, the Grammy-winning Nigerian album.

This vision, sadly, has remained very cloudy. MN has taken an about-turn and evolved into another phenomenon of its own entirely.

For months I have battled with my Nemesis (and Media Nemesis), trying to determine what exactly my P is. I’ve debated and asked opinions if the current trend with which I have published posts is truly the way forward. It has become a big dilemma for me. Do I focus solely on entertainment or do I incorporate elements of my personal issues in MN? Is professionalism been overtaken by personalism?

I even thought of incorporating a poll on the blog in search for a public answer. That might still be necessary in the long run. But for now I think I’ve found a temporary answer and it took a sharp dig in the ribs from a friend for me to grasp what it was.

Only the observant might have noticed it but some mild drama has been going on behind the MN scenes that eventually saw me modifying the Blog Header several times and removing my Contributors from our blogroll. It’s entirely my fault really. Good manners dictate I ought to have notified them first. The thing with me is that I’m always mentally hyper-active, toying with ideas, introducing new stuff, removing old ones and all that.

And now I, JonXavier, like Obama have decided to go for Change (it’s becoming an over-flogged cliché, I know). 

MN is going to revert to its initial idea of being a Media, Entertainment and other such gist platform.

I will contribute occasionally to Esquire’s Spoken Word blog, a task which I’m beginning to like actually.

My other blog, The Phoneparazzi will still remain exactly as it was.

My other other blog, Not The Office is just coming online.

And now after some very serious thinking, I have decided to create yet another new blog for my personal views, gossip, ranting, insanities and womanizing.

Five Blogs? That’s IMPOSSIBLE! I know…

You’ll just throw your readers into confusion and get fewer comments! I agree…

It’ll mean even more hard work and absolutely no play! I’m fully aware of that…

It’s MADNESS! Well, in case you never knew it before, I do believe I am insane so that’s no news actually. I just want to see how far I can carry this madness. Maybe in the end I’ll tire of it all and just merge all the blogs together. Or leave blogville entirely. There’s enough time so let’s wait and see.

If you’ve ever visited these pages and remotely enjoyed what you read, I now invite you to check out the remainder of it scattered all over blogville. I can only promise to make them just as good. Please feel free to click on the links on the right.

And oh, my Contributors, I truly, truly do want you back please? I’m sorry for being a tit, I really am.

There! I’m done. I’m sure that somewhere out there there’s someone who’s reading this, shaking his head and saying “This guy is not serious! I’m very sure a woman is behind all of this.”

You know what? You’re right as usual…

You know my P, don’t you?

Monday, January 19, 2009

The Real Koko (Part 2)

Sorry, I couldn’t finish the last post on my real Itinerary. Let me just go straight ahead with Part Two…

Dec. 28th - Really boring day. The sequence is the same: watch movies early in the morn (PHCN gives us power only by 12 midnight till 6AM), sleep, wake, eat, phone calls/SMSes in the noon, eat, snooze, browse in the evenings, eat, sleep, watch movies early in the morning, etc, etc…
Called Esquire to fix a meeting but the guy wants to take me to the “eatery of my choice” like I’m one new chick he just landed! Hope this guy doesn’t think I suffer from malnutrition oh! Did I come to Lagos only to eat?

Dec. 29th - Still same boring routine (eat, sleep, you know, you know…). Big Bro (my eldest brother) travels to go see his wife and kid. Big Sis returned yesterday so there’s no difference in the house space really…

Noon - Esquire says he’s broke so no meeting till he robs a bank. I’m now fully convinced this guy thinks I’m Ramsey Nouah, Jim Iyke and Genevieve Nnaji combined for all the efforts he’s putting to get me to that “eatery”. I start relishing the disappointment on his face whenever we do get to meet and he sees small, dull me! Checked out the comments on my fake Itinerary post and was stunned with the responses. Read the post again and burst out laughing. It does look funny in retrospect (Rayo’s words not mine).

Night - Me and younger bro have a serious quarrel when he accuses me of spoiling all the gadgets in Big Bro’s house when I try to fix the generator. He said Big Bro told him so but honestly I doubt it. These children of nowadays sef! All this his fineness is getting to his head. It’s been a while since I quarreled with somebody. I think I need more practice.

Dec. 30th - Been calling XsN to check if she’s better now. Good news is that she is. Turns out it wasn’t appendicitis after all (I told you, didn’t I?). Called Wo to share the good news too (like as if she doesn’t know already). The Doctor’s diagnosis? XsN’s pregnant! I start whistling Shaggy’s “It Wasn’t Me” (OK, before some people kill me, the pregnancy bit is a BIG FAT lie oh! I’m just prophesying fertility for XsN in Jesus Name, Amen!)

Noon - Same boring routine (honestly, people, aren’t you bored by now? Me sef I’m bored typing this oh)

Night - Younger bro has another quarrel with Big Sis this time about her accounting for how she spends house money. I won’t lie; I enjoyed being a spectator in this one. Big Sis gives him a proper TKO dressing down! which isn’t an easy feat when you’re up against Baby bro. Some people say I’m sarcastic? Just wait till you meet Big Sis! The young man absconds again to spend time with his g/f. Wish I had the same scalding effect on him…

Dec. 31st - Early morn - Call up a former female acquaintance of mine on the phone and we start talking dirty sex talk. Amazing because nothing dey even happen between us! Since when did I start doing that kin’ nonsense? Na wa oh…I must be getting high on too much jellof rice. Is this how to end 2008? Burnt up all my precious airtime still. After all no be every time I dey get this kin’ “action”.

Morn - Finally! A chance to go out! Big Sis and I hit Yaba Market so I can change my wardrobe. After all it is the last day in 2008. Let go of all my reservations and just spent, spent, spent! Burnt a whole month’s salary in the flick of a finger but at least there’s the distant satisfaction that I’ll be looking good even if I go hungry in 2009!

Night - All the streets around erupt in night parties. This is Lagos indeed. Decided to spend my last moments of 2008 in the church so me, my sis and my niece chose to go for the Vigil Mass. Blocked streets mean we take a detour to get to the church making us get lost along the way. A few okada men offer to assist us this earning some easy Naira for themselves in the process. Church is jam-packed as usual but somehow I’m not really feeling the Praise and Worship sessions. Don’t get me wrong: I am grateful, no make that VERY, VERY, GRATEFUL to GOD for seeing 2008 to an end but I prefer to meet HIM in the gentle breeze not the raging storm.

I reflect on 2008:
- getting my first job though it’s a bad one
- tumbling 360+ degrees in my brother’s new car that crashed at full speed which he never got to show Mom or any of my siblings after all except me and yet surviving the accident with NO SINGLE BONE broken
- being on the road every week criss-crossing Nigeria all in the name of work, sales, repairs and contracts with all the risks of crazy drivers, bad cars, lousy hotels and armed robbers
- joining Blogville and becoming part of a family I had always admired from afar
- looking for love several times during the year and failing woefully but my spirit remains undampened unlike before
- all my close friends getting married and landing posh jobs yet I’m the one who seems like I’m stuck in the mud made even worse when they tell me they’re too busy to pick my calls - “you know I’m busy. Just got a job/husband/wifey now” and all that ish...

2008 was a great year though it was mostly a tough one. Working with hospitals this year made me realize how lucky I am to be alive, whole, hale and hearty. Even my cynical ass has to admit that much.

January 1st 2009 - Happy New Year! The relatively cool digital countdown clock on the wall of St. Cyprian’s that has been marking the remaining seconds till the New Year fails just as I want to snap a picture of when it changes to 2009. Ahn ahn! What is the meaning of this? After I’ve been jostling for a good angle of it with my camera phone despite the big heads blocking it? No New Year pix for The Phoneparazzi blog then. Sorry…

On Reaching Home - Eat (even though it’s almost 2 AM) and sleep. Can’t start 2009 hungry, can I? Not good at all. My belly agrees.

Later in the Morn - Esquire calls. Says we should meet up in Otta to enjoy the spoils of his great bank robbery (I suspect his mom and sisters must be a few dollars poorer by now). Told him to hang on because I have a ton of washing to do (have to remove that Okrika smell from some of the bend-down boutique clothes I bought yesterday. As Faze talk, “If na from Bend-down Boutique, all na My Money”)

Noon - Head out to Otta. Get there faster than expected and call Esquire from the Tollgate. He’s on the way.

45 Minutes Later - Esquire is still on his way. Did he stop to hijack another bank? My head don dey swell oh! He must think he’s meeting not just me but that I brought Empress Njamah along too!

5 Minutes After That - One tall guy like that saunters up to me. Think he wants to ask me for directions and just as I’m about to tell him I’m a stranger here as well when he takes off his stunnahz and I realize he’s truly Esquire. The bobo is fine in a rugged way, dresses fine and even his Yoruba sounds like Queen’s English. If I be girl, I for trip.

We head over to Gateway Hotel and the place is filled with mostly teenage girls and pubescent boys looking for a chance to spoil before school starts. I start feeling like a grandfather instantly. Decline hanging out in the club (see pix above) before one of these girls does an R. Kelly number on me. Esquire & I stick to the poolside where a DJ’s jamming and everyone’s dancing like as if they’ve caught epilepsy. Are those the latest dance steps now? One recurring track is DJ Azeez’s “4Kasibe” or whatever the name is. We swap gist about blog strategies shouting over the din of loud music. I’m not sure he even heard half of what I said!

Close To 4 PM - The MC makes an announcement that everyone should clear out from the pool. Turns out the guys have been playing dirty finger games with the girls. Children of nowadays!(How many times will I say that?)

The soul of the party begins to wither with the exit from the pool. Some boys decide to start 2009 on a bad note by attacking a member of a rival gang with sticks! Esquire and I calmly take cover and we later dodge out of the hotel while everyone’s looking confused (see pix below).

I leave disappointed. Sticks! And all the while I was expecting gunshots or something more serious… As we part ways, I look at Esquire and ask him just one question: Why are you still single?

6 PM - I’m back home. Esquire must be disappointed in me, I guess. In his words, he actually thought I was a “more fun loving guy”. Sorry! My blog personality just isn’t my real life personality.

Jan 4th - Departure date from Lasgidi. Rayo invites me to a “Crowne Troupe” performance and tells me to delay departure till tomorrow but as I tell her "she no fine reach!"

Jan 5th - Back to my thankless and boring job. I told you guys, didn’t I?

And that, my dear friends, is the end of Solomon Grundy.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

The Real Koko

Honestly Blogville, I am disappointed in you guys! Ahn ahn! Una fall my hand no be small! And to think I could catch you people mugu so easily without trying too hard sef? Seriously, how could some of you wonderful brilliant people read my Itinerary post and assume that ish was real? Some of you people really need to get a L.I.F.E.!
Anyways, my Lasgidi waka was partly fun, mostly boring and the fact was sadly very, very far from fiction. So with much ado, I present to you the Real Koko… Oh, and by the way, this post isn’t intended to be funny at all.

The REAL Itinerary of Naughty Eyes

Dec. 23rd - After months of back-breaking work on my part involving late hours typing and re-typing bids and attending extremely boring meetings Santa, in a case of classic stupidity, misplaces priorities and gives my Boss an early Xmas present. The Boss wins the tender and gets to pick up a cheque of roughly N40 mil (plus or minus Insurance)! Considering the fact that he still owes me part of my November salary I am finally convinced that Santa must be a total nitwit.
Emasculated, I take my grievances to Facebook.

Dec. 24th - My proposed departure date. Instead of the much expected End-of-year party and Xmas bonus, the Boss gives me the “good” news: we’ll be working till the 28th of December. A couple of meetings with the bankers and a trip to Ile-Ife later (which I actually enjoy because I chat-up a Radiographer chick) and I eventually tell Oga I MUST leave for Lasgidi tomorrow morning come Hell or high water.
That cheque must have improved his sense of humour somewhat because he laughs the suggestion away. Later on by closing time, he calls me and pays me for November and part of December. Maybe Santa isn’t so stupid after all. Just misled…

Dec. 25th - Christmas Day! Took an early morning bath and hit the road sneaking out like a thief. None of my neighbours is aware of my departure. The driver breaks the land speed record thereby cutting a roughly 4 - hour journey (give or take traffic) to half the time. He must have a very good sense of smell because I think the aroma of amala and gbegiri soup his wife is preparing for him at home is responsible for the haste.
Arrival at Berger bus stop. No blogger is present to receive me but I didn’t tell any I was coming either (would they have even come sef? When I no be Afrobabe or Solomon Sydelle?). Finally reach my elder bro’s house after experiencing the typical Lagos traffic.

Noon - The normal too much chop-chop and drink-drink begins with the resultant consequences of gastronomic over-indulgence (I sabi grammar now). Baby bro runs off to spend today and tomorrow with his girlfriend thus giving me more space to sleep on the bed. Deep in my heart I wish him luck. I only pray his babe’s father will be so accommodating if by mistake a tiny bundle of joy pops up.
Called and sent SMSes to Woomie, Rayo, Esquire and XsN to notify them of my arrival. The response is surprisingly lukewarm. Thinking of contacting Charizard & Buttercup but that I faintly recall that diss. Okay, to tell the truth, I actually feel a wee bit intimidated to try.
Oh! And I get absolutely no Xmas gifts either. This should be my very first Xmas without even a single Christmas card. Not that I mind much but I recall that even as a baby I usually got strawberry-flavoured breast milk on this special day. Who knows? Maybe next year I just might be getting that…

The rest of the day passes very uneventfully.

Dec. 26th - Woomie calls me up to say she’ll be in my area. I was very ecstatic about seeing her - if for nothing at least she’ll save me the transport. I take my bath six times. Luckily, nobody in my house has the commonsense to yab me.

I wait tire for Wo to send me directions but no show. Finally I call her up very late just to learn she has stood me up. After cursing her tire (in my mind) I stumble back home vexing with every stone on the road. Luckily, nobody in my house still has the commonsense to yab me on my quick return.
Big Sis (my elder sister) has to travel back for a work emergency meaning even more space in the house. Young bro returns and starts pissing me off right from the get-go. Ahn ahn! Is it a crime if I’m not fine, dress well or have a job in Lagos like him?
Distraught I send out more A. I. D. A. (Abeg, I Dey Around) SMSes. No responses either even from my other Eko non-blogging friends. Already looks like this holiday is going to be very wack o!

Dec. 27th - Rayo and I keep in touch through calls and text messages. That babe seems to be the only spotlight on my holiday horizon as she burns her airtime like fire to cheer me up. Her Papa must get money well-well. I start wondering why I didn’t make her Number One on my blog crush list.
Woomie later calls to invite me for Poetry Potter: 25 @ National Library, Yaba. Wonder if she’ll stand me up again. Quickly call up my pal who knows Lagos like the palm of his hand to get directions. Take my bath six times again, thereby making me go late. Follow the directions faithfully and end up in Lagos Mainland Library instead! Conclude my friend doesn’t have any sense at all and called up Woomie again. She says to stop after Sweet Sensation, Alagomeji. Got a crooked okada man to take me there and stopped at S.S. The bikeman leaves and I trek some kilometers all the way to the real Library sweating profusely in the heat and cursing Wo again (after Sweet Sensation ko, near Bitter Sensation ni!)

Finally locate the Poetry Potter venue (no signboard or banner of the event). Got in through the left entrance and got tangled in a mass of microphone and speaker cables instantly attracting the attention of several members of the audience. This first impression thing isn’t funny at all oh!
Retracing my steps, I run into a very friendly dude whom we’ll call Fineboy (not FBA oh!) My ears perk when he says he has an IT and Animation company. Looked around and finally spotted Woomie (thank you Facebook!). Actually I’m more interested in the cleavage of the chick sitting beside her.

Very, Very Soon After - My gaze leaves the notorious cleavage to travel upwards and I see the face belongs to… XsN!!!! I am rendered totally speechless and I pass out (in my mind at least! Lord, this cannot be true! XsN!?!). When I come to, I mumble something incoherent as I stretch across XsN’s pillows to shake Wo’s hand. My hand refuses to follow my willy, sorry my will.

In all this I am VERY ASTOUNDED and INTIMIDATED by the SIZE of both ladies! (Fertilizer is very much at work here definitely! Do these chicks plan to marry guys like Andre The Giant?) XsN opens those delightful lips of hers to speak and in a moment of clarity and divine intervention I instantly realize who my future wife will be. Woomie’s hot slap brings me back to stark reality (Okay, I just made up the slap bit now but I guess you can see how confused I was at this point…) XsN tells me she loved (her words not mine) my Itinerary post and my reciprocal love quadruples in one blink of her sensuous eyelashes.
The feelings must be mutual because XsN immediately develops a heartache which she tries to disguise as a pain in her side. Says she has to catch her breath outside and like the relentless panther (panter?) I am, I escort her. Fineboy follows us outside and attempts to move in on XsN so he asks me if she’s my sister. In my mind I’m like: Shuooooo? See Lagos boys oh! This guy wan burn my cable for my front?
I ask him if we look alike and the bolo says Yes! Chineke me! I quickly think of a thousand and one acidic retorts to chase him away but I finally settle on: “Oh yes, we are brother and sister mentally. It’s as a result of the great minds we both possess. In reality, we are lovers!” The big head scampers away without remembering I’d actually told him a few minutes ago that I was here to meet Wo (and XsN) for the first time. Last time I see him, he’s trailing one very small blogger like that called Tosyn Bucknor.

Poetry Potter: 25 - Like most literary meets, it was an avenue for up and coming musicians, writers, poets, etc (and some famous ones too) to come strut their stuff. It was my first Arts Meet ever so I felt it was rather cool though a tad boring in some parts. The musical acts were very good especially a guy with a guitar (can’t remember his name again. Of course, you know who’s to blame).

Also, I got to meet (well not exactly meet) certain bloggers like Tosyn Bucknor and Joy Isi Bewaji (of Isi’s Playground). Joy got to read out two stories from her recently published book, Eko Dialogues and I really loved the one called “Serving Time”. Picked up Woomie’s copy of the book to read (she refused to give it to me as an Xmas present) and asked Joy what the significance of pubic hair was in the story “Frustration-In-Law”. She said she didn’t know making me wonder if she really wrote the book! (OK, Joy I’m just kidding!)

Tosyn and the MC interview Chris Ihindero (the guy made a lot of sense especially in his criticism of abstract dance routines put up by certain artistes for foreign grants) and I try not to swoon when Segun Adefila (Campus Queen) sits not too far from me. I’m almost tempted to ask him for his autograph, then I realize he should be asking me for mine instead (yeah, right!)
XsN still not feeling well, leaves the place and Poetry Potter: 25 doesn’t hold much colour for me after that. Woomie too wants to leave shortly afterwards so we both exit the building. While I see her off on a bike, she does something to me then makes me swear not to tell Blogville what it is! (Hint: No light was visible between us)

Wo, as long as I keep getting that, no wahala. Your secret’s safe with me!

Shortly Afterwards - Called Esquire to brag and the guy says “You want to make me jealous abi?” I’m very fulfilled and pleased that he has finally gotten the message. I make my way home regretting I didn’t cop a feel from XsN but optimistic there’ll be more chances to come. As long as I am a true son of my womanizing father!

This thing don too long, abeg and it’s mostly boring after this anyway. I guess I’ll give you the Part 2 in the next post…

To God Be The Glory

Oh! Before I forget my Tagged post, the wrong answer is No. 1. I have actually been in only one REAL relationship, yes she was older than me, yes I have never dated anyone my age or younger and Esquire despite whatever you said I forgive you. I am still keeping my vow of abstinence but trust me, I would have thrown the thing away long ago if any girl's dream was to roll under the covers with a nerd. I be uber-dulling right?
If you got it correctly, clap for yourself! If not, just go back to the post and do your “Correction”.
Only Rayo was not permitted to guess because she saw the "ojoro" before I set the exam sef!

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Two Truths, One Lie



There’s something about “tagging” that is kinda hard to explain. I mean, I love it when other bloggers get tagged but I’ve been dreading the thing like plague. In the back of my mind I’ve been seriously cheering myself on thinking I’d successfully dodge it till I’ve spent at least one year in Blogville.

So Seye has to go and get my ass tagged huh? *sigh* Anyway, let me get down to business.

Like him, I’m not so sure of the rules either but copying from Toluwa’s blog, I think the meme ought to go like this:

a. Tell three things about yourself, two should be true and one a lie.

b. Commenters should guess which two are true and which one is a lie and tell why they think so.

c. Tag 6 people to do the same.

d. Post the answers in your next blog, but only after you have a good number of comments

Since I’ve revealed a whole lot about myself in my “About Me” post, it’s rather difficult to come up with what to lie to you guys about so employing the device called “dating-speak”, here goes:


1. I have been in only two real relationships
2. I am still sticking to my vow of abstainence.
3. I have never dated anyone my age or younger

Now, come on! That was easy-peasy, abi?

With that, I hereby tag the following, some of whom might have done it already anyway:

(got ya!)
Esquire (you too!
Danny Baguci (no vex abeg!)
Doug a.k.a. Hot Doug (yeah, yeah, I feel your anguish…)
Rayo (fine gals love tags abi?)
Teebay (No, I never forget you so I say make I disturb you small)

Screw Rule (d)! Expect the correct answer in my next post coming up in 2 days time anyway, comments or none.

Is this the shortest post I’ve ever done…? Thanks Seye!

PS: Despite my hectic schedule and lean purse, I’ve accepted to be a Contributor onEsquire’s other blog. Honestly, I think the dude thinks so highly of me that I wonder if he won’t rescind his invite when he eventually realizes I am totally clueless on what the blog is about!

You can click on this link to catch the buzz…

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

B & P 8: Dora Akunyili, Timaya and 5 Kobo... Plus Some Breaking News!!!

Additional Reportage & Photo Credits: Bella Naija

Two Wor-Wor People

First of all, a disclaimer: I do not look like an Adonis. I don’t look like Prince Charming either. To summarize it all, I’m not fine.

But as ordinary as I look whenever I remember one certain friend of a friend of mine I used to have some years ago I always say “Baba God, you try for me sha!” Dude looked so unfine like as if the devil took one look at his clay mould, gave it right and left hooks followed by an uppercut and then sent it off for firing.

To make matters worse, dude decides to inflict his misfortune on future generations by making sure he dates a chick who is just as facially blessed as he is. Instead of calling him and his girlfriend a couple, we always called them two wor-wor people.

What reminded me of this dude? Well, the first thing I see as soon as I step into Lagos is an okada man sporting a Mohawk and a chick sporting a copy of The Encomium. In a corner of the front cover is a headline that screams: Timaya finally confirms relationship with Empress Njamah!

Having caught bits of the lovey-dovey gossip on Bella Naija’s site I wasn’t too amazed by the revelation but I’m just a tad curious how a Bayelsan truth-singer got to hook up with one of Nollywood’s blond bad-girl actresses. Was this love at first sight or rather, first fright? It’s more likely just a case of two wor-wor people.

Maybe if I was bored and very talented with photo-software I could have turned prophet and done a composite picture of what their kids might look like but anyway, I’m very proud of how far my fellow PHC homeboy has come in breaking into the Lagos circles even if this particular circle looks like someone hit her very hard on the head at least once.

And if this relationship is anything like that of that dude I mentioned earlier, I bet we’ll be seeing this wor-wor couple for some time to come…

The Unstoppable Copycat?
Controversy already seems to be trailing the release of Tuface (or is it 2face) Idibia’s new album “The Unstoppable”. Apparently the centre of the debate rests around the so-called duet “Flex” that features Chi-town R & B king, R. Kelly on the 19-tracker album. The bone of contention here is that the 2face version of “Flex” is virtually identical to another version of the very same song this time performed by the same old R. Kelly this time with Shaggy.

The deception employed here is fairly simple even to non-Hip-Hop heads. Someone just took the same Shaggy / R. Kelly song, edited the Shaggy parts out, got 2face to drop his own vocals on top and voila! A duet! Or do it?

Now the question is: Whodunit? Some people have even taken to comparing the release dates of both songs to determine who copied who like as if release dates mean a thing.

Was R. Kelly just too “busy” to sing an original duet with Tuface and alternatively suggested the swap or was Tuface the one who got permission to do a cover of the other version? Sampling is nothing new neither is it a crime (Bob Marley has been sampled numerous times) but this kind of deceit is a huge smack on the face of music fans who have been eagerly anticipating the over-hyped collabo. Whoever was the fool that convinced Tuface that a sample is the same thing as a duet?

Why Hypertek and Zomba had to resort to this underhand sleight is puzzling considering both artistes are very much alive and creative enough to record an original track. One wonders if they’re going to use the same cut-and-join for the video if it ever comes to that.

The fanatical Tuface Fans Brigade have already picked up their ammunition to defend their darling crooner and they’re so caught up playing “Flex” and lip-syncing “African Queen” while reciting his litany of awards to give a hoot. Maybe the rest of us can take solace in the fact that thanks to the wonders of digital music, we can in typical Tuface - stylee someday have duets with R. Kelly, Amy Winehouse or Alvin & The Chipmunks (who by the way has its own version too of Flex. That particular song has been sampled so many times).

As for me, I gave up on Tuface not long after the Face 2 Face album. Nowadays I just wait till someone I know is gullible enough to buy his albums then I just rip the thing to MP3 sharply. Space-saving and economical to boot!

Have Some Tea… No Make That Choco-Milk
Deception also reigns in the advertising world. Some would even say both are synonymous and WAMCO Plc, makers of Peak seem to confirm this with their current spate of ads for the new Peak Choco-Milk. Almost all the ads are roughly themed after a mother who calls her children to come and have some “tea”.

“Tea” however turns out to be choco-milk, a combo of powdered milk, cocoa and sugar. Surprise, surprise! Now, is someone trying to pull a fast one on us by re-writing the dictionary? I need assistance here but isn’t tea the stuff that’s made out of dried ground tea leaves usually stored in small paper bags? Since when did chocolate drinks qualify as tea then?

Yeah I know the whole ad thing is just a copywriter’s attempt at wordplay but imagine if other ads were to toe that line? Scene One: A mother walks on-screen, smiles at the viewers and says stuff like, “You know, my daughter and I have our own special code words when we communicate. For example, when she says…”

At this point the daughter comes on-screen and says “Mom, I need to buy a pack of sanitary pads.” At which point the mom beams and replies, “You’ve hooked that aristo guy haven’t you? That’s my girl!”

Or Scene Two: Boy walks into the family living room dragging his feet while everyone’s watching TV and sullenly tells his dad: “Pops, I have to buy another JAMB form”.

Pops takes off his glasses, throws down his newspaper and decks the son a left hook while yelling: “Stupid boy! You’ve caught the clap again?!?”

Tea ko, choco-milk ni? Tea na tea abeg!

Minister of Pharmaceutical Information?
Anyone who accuses Yardie of not being smart obviously doesn’t know his or her Naija Politics 101 very well. Remember, people made the same mistake with OBJ and the guy just casually increased workers’ salaries each time with subsequent increases in fuel prices and just look where both are right now.

Now back to Yardie. Mr. 7 Point Agenda gave us a nationwide shocker when he appointed Madam NAFDAC, Prof. Dora Akunyili as the new Minister of Information. Trust NUJ. According to the papers, NUJ was like “Shuo? We don’t want her as our Information Minister jare!”

Now I’m not Madam Akunyili but if it was me, I would have rejected the appointment sharpish. Why? Well, everyone knows that an Ambassador is an honest man sent abroad to lie for his country, abi? An Information Minister is much worse. He is like his wicked step-brother - a dishonest man / woman who stays behind to lie to his own country-people.

It’s just a pity that Yardie has decided to rubbish Akunyili’s NAFDAC-certified credibility by presenting her as his propaganda mouthpiece and hoping we’ll be naïve enough to lick up all the honey dripping from her lips without checking the expiry date or batch number. Will she be now forced to give us non-iodized / non-vitamin A-enriched Information with the hopes that we’ll stupidly turn a blind eye to his go-slow policies?

Well what’s your take on this? I put up a new poll on the right to get your views on the issue but for me, I just pray she doesn’t get trampled under the hooves of the propaganda horse she has now mounted. I wish her the best. She needs it.

Is MTN really worth it?
I love Naija, I no go lie… Especially now that we all are developing very fantastic sense of humour thanks in part from watching too much of Opa Williams’ “Night Of A Thousand Laughs”.

Caught a news piece on Livingspring FM some weeks back which stated that a certain human rights activist, Chief A. Shittu and a group called CDRP (I’m not too sure of the name) had sued MTN and the NCC to court for poor telecommunication services in Osogbo, the Osun State capital.

Now get this: the said Chief Shittu prayed the court to compel both parties to pay damages to the tune of 5 kobo! You heard me right! Not N5 million, not N 500, 000, not even N 5,000 but 5 kobo! Haba!

The amount, according to Shittu is worked out to be the worth of MTN Nigeria to the people of Osogbo. Also NCC and MTN had earlier gone to court on Nov. 10 to stop the proceedings by challenging the jurisdiction of the court to hear such a case. Na wa for all these people sef! Must they win every case?

I can only imagine the embarrassment on the faces of both sets of lawyers (who by the way must draw very fat salaries) donning their wigs and gowns to go and settle a 5 kobo case. Unfortunately I didn’t hear the eventual outcome of the judge’s decision but if I was MTN, I would have just sent one Law School student like that to gracefully lose the case then offer Chief Shittu a very crisp N5 note and tell him to keep the change. But this Shittu of a guy is smart sha. If he wins just imagine all the trouble MTN and NCC will have to go through just to locate a 5 kobo coin in this modern day Naija!

Wonders they say will never end…

PS: Due to my past long holiday spent in couch-potato mode and the present mad frenzy of post-holiday work, the MNR Awards post slipped past the scheduled deadline. More detailed explanations later but for now stay tuned ‘cos it’ll be coming to a PC near you any time soon, probably before the month is up.


PPS: I saw Tuface serenading (abi na smooching) Cossy Orjiakor on TV last week during one of their Nollywood gigs or the other. I’m betting we can tell who his next baby mama will be. If na lie, make I naked baff…!

BREAKING NEWS: Just saw an online post that foremost novelist and literary icon Elechi Amadi who wrote "The Concubine" amongst other books was kidnapped on January 05, 2009 at his home (Aluu town) Port Harcourt. Click here to visit his site for more details. Recent reports however said he was released on the 6th of January, barely 24 hours after his abduction.


Saturday, January 3, 2009

My Life’s Soundtrack - Crowd Mentality

Almost everyone’s feeling M.I. like craze right now but how many people actually knew the brother before he dropped his album? I remember listening to this track for the very first time and feeling “Men! This is the REAL ISH!” The beat, the smooth lyrical flow, the clarity of his rap lines and the deep message in the track, - the fine points of this song are just too numerous to enumerate.

It’s a New Year and what better time for each and every one of us to break free from our self-imposed societal shackles than now?

Before “Talk About It” there was “Crowd Mentality” and before that there was M.I.. Here’s presenting “Crowd Mentality…”

Crowd Mentality - M.I. feat Uche (from the Album “Talk About It”)
Transcribed by: Naughty Eyes

[Spoken Intro]
Now we’re gonna talk about something serious

Yo! M.I., Yo! Chocolate City, Yo! Rythchus Era

[Rap 1]
If you don’t have a mind of your own
Don’t be disappointed, this is fine, be a clone
Listen to me rhyme, I’m done trying to be mine all alone
And to make things connect like a spine to a bone
I’ve changed my mind I’d rather be the same as
All these fake ass entertainers
Make bad music just to rock in arenas
Use words like… (no bad language on radio)
‘Cos I tried hard to make the difference
Make the kind of music youse can use as reference
Everybody else say: let’s dance
Who am I to tell them otherwise?
That’s a job for Reverends
So I’m ready now to join the movement
Together press for negative improvement
Everybody or not
To forever end the search for life

So when I say jump (jump)
Everybody in the place dance (dance)
Everybody in the place move (move)
Everybody in the world just scream (scream! scream!!)
When I say jump (jump)
Everybody in the place dance (dance)
Everybody in the place move (move)
Everybody in the whole world stop (scream? Huh? Oh-uh?)

[Rap 2]
If you don’t have a mind for yourself
Don’t be disappointed, this is good for your health
It’s the road to riches and to diamonds and wealth
Redesigned it myself, to all Black people put your mind on your shelf
It’s Ok to be poor, be needy
Better yet still care for more, be greedy
Everybody get mis-educated
Be lazy, fat, stupid with your mind sedated
No matter how many songs I sing
About truth, honesty, it’ll never change a thing
I just wanna be rich and famous
The world is screaming out: Please entertain us!
Yo, the whole world is glass or plastic
It’s split like refraction, need action drastic
So forgive me I’m a tad sarcastic
These venomous lyrics on my lips like chopsticks

[Hook 2]
So when I say sit (sit)
Everybody in the place stand (stand)
Everybody in the place jump (jump)
Everybody in the place scream (scream! scream!!)
When I say sit (sit)
Everybody in the place stand (stand)
Everybody in the world just jump (jump)
Everybody in the world be yourself (be yourself, be yourself)

Yeah, break it down, break it down, break it down (x3)
Here we go!

[Rap 3]
So the moral of this song is
There are people walking around just like zombies
And it’s so strange, how people are afraid of change
Afraid of what would happen if we re-arrange
So most Black people are just doing what the crowd do
Doing what the system say, that we’re allowed to
So break free from the crowd mentality
And then we can start to build a new reality.

(Now you’ve got to know
Said you’ve got to know
And you’ve got to know
Who you are)

[Hook 3]
So come on, everybody in the place fly
Everybody in the place dream
Everybody in the place be yourself (be yourself, be yourself)
When I say shine (shine)
Everybody in the place fly (fly)
Everybody in the place dream (dream)
Everybody in the place be yourself (be yourself, be yourself)
When I say sing (sing)
Everybody in the place speak (speak)
Everybody in the place c’mon shout (shout)
Everybody in the place be yourself (be yourself, be yourself)
When I say sing (sing)
Everybody in the place speak (speak)
Everybody in the place shout (shout)
Everybody in the place be yourself (be yourself, be yourself)

Be yourself

Yo! Be Black / Beautiful / Strong / Correct / Nice / Good / Right / Tight / Alright / Creative / Native / Real / Have Skills, Stand Tall
And be all you can be

(Now you’ve got to know
Said you’ve got to know
And you’ve got to know
Who you are)

And that’s all I have to say about that

Lyrics © 2008 M.I. & Chocolate City Music