Tuesday, January 6, 2009

B & P 8: Dora Akunyili, Timaya and 5 Kobo... Plus Some Breaking News!!!

Additional Reportage & Photo Credits: Bella Naija

Two Wor-Wor People

First of all, a disclaimer: I do not look like an Adonis. I don’t look like Prince Charming either. To summarize it all, I’m not fine.

But as ordinary as I look whenever I remember one certain friend of a friend of mine I used to have some years ago I always say “Baba God, you try for me sha!” Dude looked so unfine like as if the devil took one look at his clay mould, gave it right and left hooks followed by an uppercut and then sent it off for firing.

To make matters worse, dude decides to inflict his misfortune on future generations by making sure he dates a chick who is just as facially blessed as he is. Instead of calling him and his girlfriend a couple, we always called them two wor-wor people.

What reminded me of this dude? Well, the first thing I see as soon as I step into Lagos is an okada man sporting a Mohawk and a chick sporting a copy of The Encomium. In a corner of the front cover is a headline that screams: Timaya finally confirms relationship with Empress Njamah!

Having caught bits of the lovey-dovey gossip on Bella Naija’s site I wasn’t too amazed by the revelation but I’m just a tad curious how a Bayelsan truth-singer got to hook up with one of Nollywood’s blond bad-girl actresses. Was this love at first sight or rather, first fright? It’s more likely just a case of two wor-wor people.

Maybe if I was bored and very talented with photo-software I could have turned prophet and done a composite picture of what their kids might look like but anyway, I’m very proud of how far my fellow PHC homeboy has come in breaking into the Lagos circles even if this particular circle looks like someone hit her very hard on the head at least once.

And if this relationship is anything like that of that dude I mentioned earlier, I bet we’ll be seeing this wor-wor couple for some time to come…

The Unstoppable Copycat?
Controversy already seems to be trailing the release of Tuface (or is it 2face) Idibia’s new album “The Unstoppable”. Apparently the centre of the debate rests around the so-called duet “Flex” that features Chi-town R & B king, R. Kelly on the 19-tracker album. The bone of contention here is that the 2face version of “Flex” is virtually identical to another version of the very same song this time performed by the same old R. Kelly this time with Shaggy.

The deception employed here is fairly simple even to non-Hip-Hop heads. Someone just took the same Shaggy / R. Kelly song, edited the Shaggy parts out, got 2face to drop his own vocals on top and voila! A duet! Or do it?

Now the question is: Whodunit? Some people have even taken to comparing the release dates of both songs to determine who copied who like as if release dates mean a thing.

Was R. Kelly just too “busy” to sing an original duet with Tuface and alternatively suggested the swap or was Tuface the one who got permission to do a cover of the other version? Sampling is nothing new neither is it a crime (Bob Marley has been sampled numerous times) but this kind of deceit is a huge smack on the face of music fans who have been eagerly anticipating the over-hyped collabo. Whoever was the fool that convinced Tuface that a sample is the same thing as a duet?

Why Hypertek and Zomba had to resort to this underhand sleight is puzzling considering both artistes are very much alive and creative enough to record an original track. One wonders if they’re going to use the same cut-and-join for the video if it ever comes to that.

The fanatical Tuface Fans Brigade have already picked up their ammunition to defend their darling crooner and they’re so caught up playing “Flex” and lip-syncing “African Queen” while reciting his litany of awards to give a hoot. Maybe the rest of us can take solace in the fact that thanks to the wonders of digital music, we can in typical Tuface - stylee someday have duets with R. Kelly, Amy Winehouse or Alvin & The Chipmunks (who by the way has its own version too of Flex. That particular song has been sampled so many times).

As for me, I gave up on Tuface not long after the Face 2 Face album. Nowadays I just wait till someone I know is gullible enough to buy his albums then I just rip the thing to MP3 sharply. Space-saving and economical to boot!

Have Some Tea… No Make That Choco-Milk
Deception also reigns in the advertising world. Some would even say both are synonymous and WAMCO Plc, makers of Peak seem to confirm this with their current spate of ads for the new Peak Choco-Milk. Almost all the ads are roughly themed after a mother who calls her children to come and have some “tea”.

“Tea” however turns out to be choco-milk, a combo of powdered milk, cocoa and sugar. Surprise, surprise! Now, is someone trying to pull a fast one on us by re-writing the dictionary? I need assistance here but isn’t tea the stuff that’s made out of dried ground tea leaves usually stored in small paper bags? Since when did chocolate drinks qualify as tea then?

Yeah I know the whole ad thing is just a copywriter’s attempt at wordplay but imagine if other ads were to toe that line? Scene One: A mother walks on-screen, smiles at the viewers and says stuff like, “You know, my daughter and I have our own special code words when we communicate. For example, when she says…”

At this point the daughter comes on-screen and says “Mom, I need to buy a pack of sanitary pads.” At which point the mom beams and replies, “You’ve hooked that aristo guy haven’t you? That’s my girl!”

Or Scene Two: Boy walks into the family living room dragging his feet while everyone’s watching TV and sullenly tells his dad: “Pops, I have to buy another JAMB form”.

Pops takes off his glasses, throws down his newspaper and decks the son a left hook while yelling: “Stupid boy! You’ve caught the clap again?!?”

Tea ko, choco-milk ni? Tea na tea abeg!

Minister of Pharmaceutical Information?
Anyone who accuses Yardie of not being smart obviously doesn’t know his or her Naija Politics 101 very well. Remember, people made the same mistake with OBJ and the guy just casually increased workers’ salaries each time with subsequent increases in fuel prices and just look where both are right now.

Now back to Yardie. Mr. 7 Point Agenda gave us a nationwide shocker when he appointed Madam NAFDAC, Prof. Dora Akunyili as the new Minister of Information. Trust NUJ. According to the papers, NUJ was like “Shuo? We don’t want her as our Information Minister jare!”

Now I’m not Madam Akunyili but if it was me, I would have rejected the appointment sharpish. Why? Well, everyone knows that an Ambassador is an honest man sent abroad to lie for his country, abi? An Information Minister is much worse. He is like his wicked step-brother - a dishonest man / woman who stays behind to lie to his own country-people.

It’s just a pity that Yardie has decided to rubbish Akunyili’s NAFDAC-certified credibility by presenting her as his propaganda mouthpiece and hoping we’ll be naïve enough to lick up all the honey dripping from her lips without checking the expiry date or batch number. Will she be now forced to give us non-iodized / non-vitamin A-enriched Information with the hopes that we’ll stupidly turn a blind eye to his go-slow policies?

Well what’s your take on this? I put up a new poll on the right to get your views on the issue but for me, I just pray she doesn’t get trampled under the hooves of the propaganda horse she has now mounted. I wish her the best. She needs it.

Is MTN really worth it?
I love Naija, I no go lie… Especially now that we all are developing very fantastic sense of humour thanks in part from watching too much of Opa Williams’ “Night Of A Thousand Laughs”.

Caught a news piece on Livingspring FM some weeks back which stated that a certain human rights activist, Chief A. Shittu and a group called CDRP (I’m not too sure of the name) had sued MTN and the NCC to court for poor telecommunication services in Osogbo, the Osun State capital.

Now get this: the said Chief Shittu prayed the court to compel both parties to pay damages to the tune of 5 kobo! You heard me right! Not N5 million, not N 500, 000, not even N 5,000 but 5 kobo! Haba!

The amount, according to Shittu is worked out to be the worth of MTN Nigeria to the people of Osogbo. Also NCC and MTN had earlier gone to court on Nov. 10 to stop the proceedings by challenging the jurisdiction of the court to hear such a case. Na wa for all these people sef! Must they win every case?

I can only imagine the embarrassment on the faces of both sets of lawyers (who by the way must draw very fat salaries) donning their wigs and gowns to go and settle a 5 kobo case. Unfortunately I didn’t hear the eventual outcome of the judge’s decision but if I was MTN, I would have just sent one Law School student like that to gracefully lose the case then offer Chief Shittu a very crisp N5 note and tell him to keep the change. But this Shittu of a guy is smart sha. If he wins just imagine all the trouble MTN and NCC will have to go through just to locate a 5 kobo coin in this modern day Naija!

Wonders they say will never end…

PS: Due to my past long holiday spent in couch-potato mode and the present mad frenzy of post-holiday work, the MNR Awards post slipped past the scheduled deadline. More detailed explanations later but for now stay tuned ‘cos it’ll be coming to a PC near you any time soon, probably before the month is up.


PPS: I saw Tuface serenading (abi na smooching) Cossy Orjiakor on TV last week during one of their Nollywood gigs or the other. I’m betting we can tell who his next baby mama will be. If na lie, make I naked baff…!

BREAKING NEWS: Just saw an online post that foremost novelist and literary icon Elechi Amadi who wrote "The Concubine" amongst other books was kidnapped on January 05, 2009 at his home (Aluu town) Port Harcourt. Click here to visit his site for more details. Recent reports however said he was released on the 6th of January, barely 24 hours after his abduction.



Danny Bagucci said...

LOL @ wor-wor people.. There used to be this joke way back then when i was still in Uni of two wor-wor people who decided to "inflict their misfortune on future generations" and ended up having a son who had THE wor-wor face.. Fast forward some years and the poor kid was in a cabbie that was hijacked by armed robber. He ended up being shot by the robber because "he was laughing at them" when infact "na so im face be"...

doug said...

"Timaya finally confirms relationship with Empress Njamah!"

ROTFLMHO!!!! Beefer! Abeg leave de guy jo, you dey playahate because im dey "hot like fire"

rayo said...

guy u don craze, let empress nd timaya catch u.
as per tuface, im case no get rememdy, i dunno y they insist on passing him off as a musician sef.
Dora, Dora, Dora, i'm waiting to see how that will play out.
i wont talk abt the tea nd choco-milk ad, i'll talk at ur own illustrations. jeez N.E where did u dredge that from

Itsme! said...

Well,'na Chineke me eh!'
I loved this post.
Made my day.

Naughty Eyes said...

@ DB: Yeah, I heard that joke too. Wor-wor people like me don suffer no be small. I'm looking for jokes that yab fine people so send me any you find! How you dey? Wetin do your former profile pix?

@ Doug: I no dey beef Tiamya oh! I used to love Empress one time when she was a top contender on my sex vixens list until she started fixing rainbow hair colours. I dey even hail my PH homeboy (of Bayelsan origins) as him take catch mad fish!!

@ Rayo: Babe, don't you know? I'm fearless! Why do I need to fear libel or slander when I get correct lawyer like you? One better smile of that your face and I go just win the case, one time!
As for Tuface, him dey sing now! Singing in Naija equals to open your mouth in front of mic no matter wetin come out. You no rock "Danfo Driver" that time e reign?
About my illustrations... from my mental sewer!

@ Itsme!: Wow! Glad the post made your day sha! Must have been a long day no doubt. Abeg no vex say I never acknowledge you since. WELCOME!!!

Itsme! said...

I have always argued that the only musician with 'Originality' among the Plantashun Boiz is Face.
Tuface just 'sings to rhyme' or is it 'rhymes to sing'. I even heard he and a London based musician are trading issues over a song in his new album, Jungle don Mature, which the guy claims Tubaba 'stole'.

And then, he says his New Year resolution is: no more accidental discharges. Well, Cossy's baby might not be an accidental discharge. E fit be the real thing. Abi no be so?

Naughty Eyes said...

@ Itsme! again: I gree with you concerning Faze. I'll continue saying it till I'm blue in the face: He's the BEST of the Plantashun Boyz. QED.
As for the "accidental discharges", I doubt if Cossy wants to slacken those her Weapons of Mass Destruction through breast-feeding so Tubaba's safe on that one!

theicequeen said...

wait....Elechi Amadi? noooo! i LIKE that dude! have you read Enstrangement? noooooo! :(

about that whole Flex wahala...that song is due for retirement. it is TIRED, over recycling wan kill am. The first time i heard it, it was Riz and Saucekid. Next time i heard it, Akon had gotten involved (i have to point out that these versions are very nice)
..the 2baba and r.kelly went to go and do their turn..and shaggy too? abi its SO hard to sing your own damn song?

and LOL at the Tea/chocolate beverage thing..that thing irks me to nonsense!! someone will be talking about "i want to drink tea" and they are mixing milo..then Tea as we sane people call it, is "lipton"..thank God for coffee..at least it escapes being called tea by being called Nescafe..never mind that it is Jacobs o!..and every yellow thing that you spread on bead is "butter"..nevermind that the packed says blue band MARGARINE...lol, we are special jare!