Thursday, January 15, 2009

The Real Koko

Honestly Blogville, I am disappointed in you guys! Ahn ahn! Una fall my hand no be small! And to think I could catch you people mugu so easily without trying too hard sef? Seriously, how could some of you wonderful brilliant people read my Itinerary post and assume that ish was real? Some of you people really need to get a L.I.F.E.!
Anyways, my Lasgidi waka was partly fun, mostly boring and the fact was sadly very, very far from fiction. So with much ado, I present to you the Real Koko… Oh, and by the way, this post isn’t intended to be funny at all.

The REAL Itinerary of Naughty Eyes

Dec. 23rd - After months of back-breaking work on my part involving late hours typing and re-typing bids and attending extremely boring meetings Santa, in a case of classic stupidity, misplaces priorities and gives my Boss an early Xmas present. The Boss wins the tender and gets to pick up a cheque of roughly N40 mil (plus or minus Insurance)! Considering the fact that he still owes me part of my November salary I am finally convinced that Santa must be a total nitwit.
Emasculated, I take my grievances to Facebook.

Dec. 24th - My proposed departure date. Instead of the much expected End-of-year party and Xmas bonus, the Boss gives me the “good” news: we’ll be working till the 28th of December. A couple of meetings with the bankers and a trip to Ile-Ife later (which I actually enjoy because I chat-up a Radiographer chick) and I eventually tell Oga I MUST leave for Lasgidi tomorrow morning come Hell or high water.
That cheque must have improved his sense of humour somewhat because he laughs the suggestion away. Later on by closing time, he calls me and pays me for November and part of December. Maybe Santa isn’t so stupid after all. Just misled…

Dec. 25th - Christmas Day! Took an early morning bath and hit the road sneaking out like a thief. None of my neighbours is aware of my departure. The driver breaks the land speed record thereby cutting a roughly 4 - hour journey (give or take traffic) to half the time. He must have a very good sense of smell because I think the aroma of amala and gbegiri soup his wife is preparing for him at home is responsible for the haste.
Arrival at Berger bus stop. No blogger is present to receive me but I didn’t tell any I was coming either (would they have even come sef? When I no be Afrobabe or Solomon Sydelle?). Finally reach my elder bro’s house after experiencing the typical Lagos traffic.

Noon - The normal too much chop-chop and drink-drink begins with the resultant consequences of gastronomic over-indulgence (I sabi grammar now). Baby bro runs off to spend today and tomorrow with his girlfriend thus giving me more space to sleep on the bed. Deep in my heart I wish him luck. I only pray his babe’s father will be so accommodating if by mistake a tiny bundle of joy pops up.
Called and sent SMSes to Woomie, Rayo, Esquire and XsN to notify them of my arrival. The response is surprisingly lukewarm. Thinking of contacting Charizard & Buttercup but that I faintly recall that diss. Okay, to tell the truth, I actually feel a wee bit intimidated to try.
Oh! And I get absolutely no Xmas gifts either. This should be my very first Xmas without even a single Christmas card. Not that I mind much but I recall that even as a baby I usually got strawberry-flavoured breast milk on this special day. Who knows? Maybe next year I just might be getting that…

The rest of the day passes very uneventfully.

Dec. 26th - Woomie calls me up to say she’ll be in my area. I was very ecstatic about seeing her - if for nothing at least she’ll save me the transport. I take my bath six times. Luckily, nobody in my house has the commonsense to yab me.

I wait tire for Wo to send me directions but no show. Finally I call her up very late just to learn she has stood me up. After cursing her tire (in my mind) I stumble back home vexing with every stone on the road. Luckily, nobody in my house still has the commonsense to yab me on my quick return.
Big Sis (my elder sister) has to travel back for a work emergency meaning even more space in the house. Young bro returns and starts pissing me off right from the get-go. Ahn ahn! Is it a crime if I’m not fine, dress well or have a job in Lagos like him?
Distraught I send out more A. I. D. A. (Abeg, I Dey Around) SMSes. No responses either even from my other Eko non-blogging friends. Already looks like this holiday is going to be very wack o!

Dec. 27th - Rayo and I keep in touch through calls and text messages. That babe seems to be the only spotlight on my holiday horizon as she burns her airtime like fire to cheer me up. Her Papa must get money well-well. I start wondering why I didn’t make her Number One on my blog crush list.
Woomie later calls to invite me for Poetry Potter: 25 @ National Library, Yaba. Wonder if she’ll stand me up again. Quickly call up my pal who knows Lagos like the palm of his hand to get directions. Take my bath six times again, thereby making me go late. Follow the directions faithfully and end up in Lagos Mainland Library instead! Conclude my friend doesn’t have any sense at all and called up Woomie again. She says to stop after Sweet Sensation, Alagomeji. Got a crooked okada man to take me there and stopped at S.S. The bikeman leaves and I trek some kilometers all the way to the real Library sweating profusely in the heat and cursing Wo again (after Sweet Sensation ko, near Bitter Sensation ni!)

Finally locate the Poetry Potter venue (no signboard or banner of the event). Got in through the left entrance and got tangled in a mass of microphone and speaker cables instantly attracting the attention of several members of the audience. This first impression thing isn’t funny at all oh!
Retracing my steps, I run into a very friendly dude whom we’ll call Fineboy (not FBA oh!) My ears perk when he says he has an IT and Animation company. Looked around and finally spotted Woomie (thank you Facebook!). Actually I’m more interested in the cleavage of the chick sitting beside her.

Very, Very Soon After - My gaze leaves the notorious cleavage to travel upwards and I see the face belongs to… XsN!!!! I am rendered totally speechless and I pass out (in my mind at least! Lord, this cannot be true! XsN!?!). When I come to, I mumble something incoherent as I stretch across XsN’s pillows to shake Wo’s hand. My hand refuses to follow my willy, sorry my will.

In all this I am VERY ASTOUNDED and INTIMIDATED by the SIZE of both ladies! (Fertilizer is very much at work here definitely! Do these chicks plan to marry guys like Andre The Giant?) XsN opens those delightful lips of hers to speak and in a moment of clarity and divine intervention I instantly realize who my future wife will be. Woomie’s hot slap brings me back to stark reality (Okay, I just made up the slap bit now but I guess you can see how confused I was at this point…) XsN tells me she loved (her words not mine) my Itinerary post and my reciprocal love quadruples in one blink of her sensuous eyelashes.
The feelings must be mutual because XsN immediately develops a heartache which she tries to disguise as a pain in her side. Says she has to catch her breath outside and like the relentless panther (panter?) I am, I escort her. Fineboy follows us outside and attempts to move in on XsN so he asks me if she’s my sister. In my mind I’m like: Shuooooo? See Lagos boys oh! This guy wan burn my cable for my front?
I ask him if we look alike and the bolo says Yes! Chineke me! I quickly think of a thousand and one acidic retorts to chase him away but I finally settle on: “Oh yes, we are brother and sister mentally. It’s as a result of the great minds we both possess. In reality, we are lovers!” The big head scampers away without remembering I’d actually told him a few minutes ago that I was here to meet Wo (and XsN) for the first time. Last time I see him, he’s trailing one very small blogger like that called Tosyn Bucknor.

Poetry Potter: 25 - Like most literary meets, it was an avenue for up and coming musicians, writers, poets, etc (and some famous ones too) to come strut their stuff. It was my first Arts Meet ever so I felt it was rather cool though a tad boring in some parts. The musical acts were very good especially a guy with a guitar (can’t remember his name again. Of course, you know who’s to blame).

Also, I got to meet (well not exactly meet) certain bloggers like Tosyn Bucknor and Joy Isi Bewaji (of Isi’s Playground). Joy got to read out two stories from her recently published book, Eko Dialogues and I really loved the one called “Serving Time”. Picked up Woomie’s copy of the book to read (she refused to give it to me as an Xmas present) and asked Joy what the significance of pubic hair was in the story “Frustration-In-Law”. She said she didn’t know making me wonder if she really wrote the book! (OK, Joy I’m just kidding!)

Tosyn and the MC interview Chris Ihindero (the guy made a lot of sense especially in his criticism of abstract dance routines put up by certain artistes for foreign grants) and I try not to swoon when Segun Adefila (Campus Queen) sits not too far from me. I’m almost tempted to ask him for his autograph, then I realize he should be asking me for mine instead (yeah, right!)
XsN still not feeling well, leaves the place and Poetry Potter: 25 doesn’t hold much colour for me after that. Woomie too wants to leave shortly afterwards so we both exit the building. While I see her off on a bike, she does something to me then makes me swear not to tell Blogville what it is! (Hint: No light was visible between us)

Wo, as long as I keep getting that, no wahala. Your secret’s safe with me!

Shortly Afterwards - Called Esquire to brag and the guy says “You want to make me jealous abi?” I’m very fulfilled and pleased that he has finally gotten the message. I make my way home regretting I didn’t cop a feel from XsN but optimistic there’ll be more chances to come. As long as I am a true son of my womanizing father!

This thing don too long, abeg and it’s mostly boring after this anyway. I guess I’ll give you the Part 2 in the next post…

To God Be The Glory

Oh! Before I forget my Tagged post, the wrong answer is No. 1. I have actually been in only one REAL relationship, yes she was older than me, yes I have never dated anyone my age or younger and Esquire despite whatever you said I forgive you. I am still keeping my vow of abstinence but trust me, I would have thrown the thing away long ago if any girl's dream was to roll under the covers with a nerd. I be uber-dulling right?
If you got it correctly, clap for yourself! If not, just go back to the post and do your “Correction”.
Only Rayo was not permitted to guess because she saw the "ojoro" before I set the exam sef!


rayo said...

so u left my comment out abi, is it bcos i was d only one who was ryt. hahahaha. don't let my father hear u oh, make my allowie no reduce on top say i dey call man...

Danny Bagucci said...

Bros.. So hopefully this is the real version of things and not an attempt to hoodwink us for the second time... LOL... U still got a fairly decent xmas.. even tho the "pillows" and other perks were not available..... Njoy...

doug said...

Bloody woman wrapper like you! Ah ahn! Wetin sef?!

And then you had to kiss and tell again. Mscheeeeeeew!!!!

bumight said...

wow! the actual itinerary is almost as interesting as the fake one!

Naughty Eyes said...

@ Rays Beybeee: Ahn ahn! How could you think such a thing? I woulda still published your comment if I saw it, honest to Amadioha!
Does your Papi read my blog? Good! Got some more scandalous gist to give him!

@ DB: Bros, me hoodwink you? C'est na pas possible, nah! This is "The Reall Koko". Fairly decent is a nice way to put it. Wait till you see how boring the Part 2 was. I really miss those "perks"!

@ Doug: Someone's turning green in the face with envy!!!! Don't worry, I'll keep some show for you when we jam! But you dey slack oh! You dey Lag and you never jam XsN? I need to coach you more sha...

@ Bumight: This was the interesting part. Part 2 was a drag!

FineBoy Agbero said...

You see! Dat na d problem with making things up! And i for make ur xmas more interestin if only u tell me make i come meet u for park true-true...

So, where u dey when Bumight dey do party for all d boys for our garage? i taya for u o!

(and Tosyn Bucknor is not a small blogger o!!!)

Naughty Eyes said...

@ FBA: Bros! No vex oh! I bin dey fear say your boys go waka my wallet weyfull with Biafran Pounds Sterling! Prevention is better than cure...
Bumight throw party? Ori mi oh! Where I dey dat time?
And yes, Tosyn is not a small blogger o! The small is as per her size compared to Wo and XsN...

Buttercup said...

lolll did anyone REALLY believe that itinerary??

u felt intimidated ke?? ahnahn :(

chai, u really r a woman wrapper o..haha!