The Real Koko (Part 2)

Sorry, I couldn’t finish the last post on my real Itinerary. Let me just go straight ahead with Part Two…

Dec. 28th - Really boring day. The sequence is the same: watch movies early in the morn (PHCN gives us power only by 12 midnight till 6AM), sleep, wake, eat, phone calls/SMSes in the noon, eat, snooze, browse in the evenings, eat, sleep, watch movies early in the morning, etc, etc…
Called Esquire to fix a meeting but the guy wants to take me to the “eatery of my choice” like I’m one new chick he just landed! Hope this guy doesn’t think I suffer from malnutrition oh! Did I come to Lagos only to eat?

Dec. 29th - Still same boring routine (eat, sleep, you know, you know…). Big Bro (my eldest brother) travels to go see his wife and kid. Big Sis returned yesterday so there’s no difference in the house space really…

Noon - Esquire says he’s broke so no meeting till he robs a bank. I’m now fully convinced this guy thinks I’m Ramsey Nouah, Jim Iyke and Genevieve Nnaji combined for all the efforts he’s putting to get me to that “eatery”. I start relishing the disappointment on his face whenever we do get to meet and he sees small, dull me! Checked out the comments on my fake Itinerary post and was stunned with the responses. Read the post again and burst out laughing. It does look funny in retrospect (Rayo’s words not mine).

Night - Me and younger bro have a serious quarrel when he accuses me of spoiling all the gadgets in Big Bro’s house when I try to fix the generator. He said Big Bro told him so but honestly I doubt it. These children of nowadays sef! All this his fineness is getting to his head. It’s been a while since I quarreled with somebody. I think I need more practice.

Dec. 30th - Been calling XsN to check if she’s better now. Good news is that she is. Turns out it wasn’t appendicitis after all (I told you, didn’t I?). Called Wo to share the good news too (like as if she doesn’t know already). The Doctor’s diagnosis? XsN’s pregnant! I start whistling Shaggy’s “It Wasn’t Me” (OK, before some people kill me, the pregnancy bit is a BIG FAT lie oh! I’m just prophesying fertility for XsN in Jesus Name, Amen!)

Noon - Same boring routine (honestly, people, aren’t you bored by now? Me sef I’m bored typing this oh)

Night - Younger bro has another quarrel with Big Sis this time about her accounting for how she spends house money. I won’t lie; I enjoyed being a spectator in this one. Big Sis gives him a proper TKO dressing down! which isn’t an easy feat when you’re up against Baby bro. Some people say I’m sarcastic? Just wait till you meet Big Sis! The young man absconds again to spend time with his g/f. Wish I had the same scalding effect on him…

Dec. 31st - Early morn - Call up a former female acquaintance of mine on the phone and we start talking dirty sex talk. Amazing because nothing dey even happen between us! Since when did I start doing that kin’ nonsense? Na wa oh…I must be getting high on too much jellof rice. Is this how to end 2008? Burnt up all my precious airtime still. After all no be every time I dey get this kin’ “action”.

Morn - Finally! A chance to go out! Big Sis and I hit Yaba Market so I can change my wardrobe. After all it is the last day in 2008. Let go of all my reservations and just spent, spent, spent! Burnt a whole month’s salary in the flick of a finger but at least there’s the distant satisfaction that I’ll be looking good even if I go hungry in 2009!

Night - All the streets around erupt in night parties. This is Lagos indeed. Decided to spend my last moments of 2008 in the church so me, my sis and my niece chose to go for the Vigil Mass. Blocked streets mean we take a detour to get to the church making us get lost along the way. A few okada men offer to assist us this earning some easy Naira for themselves in the process. Church is jam-packed as usual but somehow I’m not really feeling the Praise and Worship sessions. Don’t get me wrong: I am grateful, no make that VERY, VERY, GRATEFUL to GOD for seeing 2008 to an end but I prefer to meet HIM in the gentle breeze not the raging storm.

I reflect on 2008:
- getting my first job though it’s a bad one
- tumbling 360+ degrees in my brother’s new car that crashed at full speed which he never got to show Mom or any of my siblings after all except me and yet surviving the accident with NO SINGLE BONE broken
- being on the road every week criss-crossing Nigeria all in the name of work, sales, repairs and contracts with all the risks of crazy drivers, bad cars, lousy hotels and armed robbers
- joining Blogville and becoming part of a family I had always admired from afar
- looking for love several times during the year and failing woefully but my spirit remains undampened unlike before
- all my close friends getting married and landing posh jobs yet I’m the one who seems like I’m stuck in the mud made even worse when they tell me they’re too busy to pick my calls - “you know I’m busy. Just got a job/husband/wifey now” and all that ish...

2008 was a great year though it was mostly a tough one. Working with hospitals this year made me realize how lucky I am to be alive, whole, hale and hearty. Even my cynical ass has to admit that much.

January 1st 2009 - Happy New Year! The relatively cool digital countdown clock on the wall of St. Cyprian’s that has been marking the remaining seconds till the New Year fails just as I want to snap a picture of when it changes to 2009. Ahn ahn! What is the meaning of this? After I’ve been jostling for a good angle of it with my camera phone despite the big heads blocking it? No New Year pix for The Phoneparazzi blog then. Sorry…

On Reaching Home - Eat (even though it’s almost 2 AM) and sleep. Can’t start 2009 hungry, can I? Not good at all. My belly agrees.

Later in the Morn - Esquire calls. Says we should meet up in Otta to enjoy the spoils of his great bank robbery (I suspect his mom and sisters must be a few dollars poorer by now). Told him to hang on because I have a ton of washing to do (have to remove that Okrika smell from some of the bend-down boutique clothes I bought yesterday. As Faze talk, “If na from Bend-down Boutique, all na My Money”)

Noon - Head out to Otta. Get there faster than expected and call Esquire from the Tollgate. He’s on the way.

45 Minutes Later - Esquire is still on his way. Did he stop to hijack another bank? My head don dey swell oh! He must think he’s meeting not just me but that I brought Empress Njamah along too!

5 Minutes After That - One tall guy like that saunters up to me. Think he wants to ask me for directions and just as I’m about to tell him I’m a stranger here as well when he takes off his stunnahz and I realize he’s truly Esquire. The bobo is fine in a rugged way, dresses fine and even his Yoruba sounds like Queen’s English. If I be girl, I for trip.

We head over to Gateway Hotel and the place is filled with mostly teenage girls and pubescent boys looking for a chance to spoil before school starts. I start feeling like a grandfather instantly. Decline hanging out in the club (see pix above) before one of these girls does an R. Kelly number on me. Esquire & I stick to the poolside where a DJ’s jamming and everyone’s dancing like as if they’ve caught epilepsy. Are those the latest dance steps now? One recurring track is DJ Azeez’s “4Kasibe” or whatever the name is. We swap gist about blog strategies shouting over the din of loud music. I’m not sure he even heard half of what I said!

Close To 4 PM - The MC makes an announcement that everyone should clear out from the pool. Turns out the guys have been playing dirty finger games with the girls. Children of nowadays!(How many times will I say that?)

The soul of the party begins to wither with the exit from the pool. Some boys decide to start 2009 on a bad note by attacking a member of a rival gang with sticks! Esquire and I calmly take cover and we later dodge out of the hotel while everyone’s looking confused (see pix below).

I leave disappointed. Sticks! And all the while I was expecting gunshots or something more serious… As we part ways, I look at Esquire and ask him just one question: Why are you still single?

6 PM - I’m back home. Esquire must be disappointed in me, I guess. In his words, he actually thought I was a “more fun loving guy”. Sorry! My blog personality just isn’t my real life personality.

Jan 4th - Departure date from Lasgidi. Rayo invites me to a “Crowne Troupe” performance and tells me to delay departure till tomorrow but as I tell her "she no fine reach!"

Jan 5th - Back to my thankless and boring job. I told you guys, didn’t I?

And that, my dear friends, is the end of Solomon Grundy.

The Real Koko

Honestly Blogville, I am disappointed in you guys! Ahn ahn! Una fall my hand no be small! And to think I could catch you people mugu so easily without trying too hard sef? Seriously, how could some of you wonderful brilliant people read my Itinerary post and assume that ish was real? Some of you people really need to get a L.I.F.E.!
Anyways, my Lasgidi waka was partly fun, mostly boring and the fact was sadly very, very far from fiction. So with much ado, I present to you the Real Koko… Oh, and by the way, this post isn’t intended to be funny at all.

The REAL Itinerary of Naughty Eyes

Dec. 23rd - After months of back-breaking work on my part involving late hours typing and re-typing bids and attending extremely boring meetings Santa, in a case of classic stupidity, misplaces priorities and gives my Boss an early Xmas present. The Boss wins the tender and gets to pick up a cheque of roughly N40 mil (plus or minus Insurance)! Considering the fact that he still owes me part of my November salary I am finally convinced that Santa must be a total nitwit.
Emasculated, I take my grievances to Facebook.

Dec. 24th - My proposed departure date. Instead of the much expected End-of-year party and Xmas bonus, the Boss gives me the “good” news: we’ll be working till the 28th of December. A couple of meetings with the bankers and a trip to Ile-Ife later (which I actually enjoy because I chat-up a Radiographer chick) and I eventually tell Oga I MUST leave for Lasgidi tomorrow morning come Hell or high water.
That cheque must have improved his sense of humour somewhat because he laughs the suggestion away. Later on by closing time, he calls me and pays me for November and part of December. Maybe Santa isn’t so stupid after all. Just misled…

Dec. 25th - Christmas Day! Took an early morning bath and hit the road sneaking out like a thief. None of my neighbours is aware of my departure. The driver breaks the land speed record thereby cutting a roughly 4 - hour journey (give or take traffic) to half the time. He must have a very good sense of smell because I think the aroma of amala and gbegiri soup his wife is preparing for him at home is responsible for the haste.
Arrival at Berger bus stop. No blogger is present to receive me but I didn’t tell any I was coming either (would they have even come sef? When I no be Afrobabe or Solomon Sydelle?). Finally reach my elder bro’s house after experiencing the typical Lagos traffic.

Noon - The normal too much chop-chop and drink-drink begins with the resultant consequences of gastronomic over-indulgence (I sabi grammar now). Baby bro runs off to spend today and tomorrow with his girlfriend thus giving me more space to sleep on the bed. Deep in my heart I wish him luck. I only pray his babe’s father will be so accommodating if by mistake a tiny bundle of joy pops up.
Called and sent SMSes to Woomie, Rayo, Esquire and XsN to notify them of my arrival. The response is surprisingly lukewarm. Thinking of contacting Charizard & Buttercup but that I faintly recall that diss. Okay, to tell the truth, I actually feel a wee bit intimidated to try.

Oh! And I get absolutely no Xmas gifts either. This should be my very first Xmas without even a single Christmas card. Not that I mind much but I recall that even as a baby I usually got strawberry-flavoured breast milk on this special day. Who knows? Maybe next year I just might be getting that…

The rest of the day passes very uneventfully.

Dec. 26th - Woomie calls me up to say she’ll be in my area. I was very ecstatic about seeing her - if for nothing at least she’ll save me the transport. I take my bath six times. Luckily, nobody in my house has the commonsense to yab me.

I wait tire for Wo to send me directions but no show. Finally I call her up very late just to learn she has stood me up. After cursing her tire (in my mind) I stumble back home vexing with every stone on the road. Luckily, nobody in my house still has the commonsense to yab me on my quick return.
Big Sis (my elder sister) has to travel back for a work emergency meaning even more space in the house. Young bro returns and starts pissing me off right from the get-go. Ahn ahn! Is it a crime if I’m not fine, dress well or have a job in Lagos like him?
Distraught I send out more A. I. D. A. (Abeg, I Dey Around) SMSes. No responses either even from my other Eko non-blogging friends. Already looks like this holiday is going to be very wack o!

Dec. 27th - Rayo and I keep in touch through calls and text messages. That babe seems to be the only spotlight on my holiday horizon as she burns her airtime like fire to cheer me up. Her Papa must get money well-well. I start wondering why I didn’t make her Number One on my blog crush list.
Woomie later calls to invite me for Poetry Potter: 25 @ National Library, Yaba. Wonder if she’ll stand me up again. Quickly call up my pal who knows Lagos like the palm of his hand to get directions. Take my bath six times again, thereby making me go late. Follow the directions faithfully and end up in Lagos Mainland Library instead! Conclude my friend doesn’t have any sense at all and called up Woomie again. She says to stop after Sweet Sensation, Alagomeji. Got a crooked okada man to take me there and stopped at S.S. The bikeman leaves and I trek some kilometers all the way to the real Library sweating profusely in the heat and cursing Wo again (after Sweet Sensation ko, near Bitter Sensation ni!)

Finally locate the Poetry Potter venue (no signboard or banner of the event). Got in through the left entrance and got tangled in a mass of microphone and speaker cables instantly attracting the attention of several members of the audience. This first impression thing isn’t funny at all oh!
Retracing my steps, I run into a very friendly dude whom we’ll call Fineboy (not FBA oh!) My ears perk when he says he has an IT and Animation company. Looked around and finally spotted Woomie (thank you Facebook!). Actually I’m more interested in the cleavage of the chick sitting beside her.

Very, Very Soon After - My gaze leaves the notorious cleavage to travel upwards and I see the face belongs to… XsN!!!! I am rendered totally speechless and I pass out (in my mind at least! Lord, this cannot be true! XsN!?!). When I come to, I mumble something incoherent as I stretch across XsN’s pillows to shake Wo’s hand. My hand refuses to follow my willy, sorry my will.

In all this I am VERY ASTOUNDED and INTIMIDATED by the SIZE of both ladies! (Fertilizer is very much at work here definitely! Do these chicks plan to marry guys like Andre The Giant?) XsN opens those delightful lips of hers to speak and in a moment of clarity and divine intervention I instantly realize who my future wife will be. Woomie’s hot slap brings me back to stark reality (Okay, I just made up the slap bit now but I guess you can see how confused I was at this point…) XsN tells me she loved (her words not mine) my Itinerary post and my reciprocal love quadruples in one blink of her sensuous eyelashes.
The feelings must be mutual because XsN immediately develops a heartache which she tries to disguise as a pain in her side. Says she has to catch her breath outside and like the relentless panther (panter?) I am, I escort her. Fineboy follows us outside and attempts to move in on XsN so he asks me if she’s my sister. In my mind I’m like: Shuooooo? See Lagos boys oh! This guy wan burn my cable for my front?
I ask him if we look alike and the bolo says Yes! Chineke me! I quickly think of a thousand and one acidic retorts to chase him away but I finally settle on: “Oh yes, we are brother and sister mentally. It’s as a result of the great minds we both possess. In reality, we are lovers!” The big head scampers away without remembering I’d actually told him a few minutes ago that I was here to meet Wo (and XsN) for the first time. Last time I see him, he’s trailing one very small blogger like that called Tosyn Bucknor.

Poetry Potter: 25 - Like most literary meets, it was an avenue for up and coming musicians, writers, poets, etc (and some famous ones too) to come strut their stuff. It was my first Arts Meet ever so I felt it was rather cool though a tad boring in some parts. The musical acts were very good especially a guy with a guitar (can’t remember his name again. Of course, you know who’s to blame).

Also, I got to meet (well not exactly meet) certain bloggers like Tosyn Bucknor and Joy Isi Bewaji (of Isi’s Playground). Joy got to read out two stories from her recently published book, Eko Dialogues and I really loved the one called “Serving Time”. Picked up Woomie’s copy of the book to read (she refused to give it to me as an Xmas present) and asked Joy what the significance of pubic hair was in the story “Frustration-In-Law”. She said she didn’t know making me wonder if she really wrote the book! (OK, Joy I’m just kidding!)

Tosyn and the MC interview Chris Ihindero (the guy made a lot of sense especially in his criticism of abstract dance routines put up by certain artistes for foreign grants) and I try not to swoon when Segun Adefila (Campus Queen) sits not too far from me. I’m almost tempted to ask him for his autograph, then I realize he should be asking me for mine instead (yeah, right!)
XsN still not feeling well, leaves the place and Poetry Potter: 25 doesn’t hold much colour for me after that. Woomie too wants to leave shortly afterwards so we both exit the building. While I see her off on a bike, she does something to me then makes me swear not to tell Blogville what it is! (Hint: No light was visible between us)

Wo, as long as I keep getting that, no wahala. Your secret’s safe with me!

Shortly Afterwards - Called Esquire to brag and the guy says “You want to make me jealous abi?” I’m very fulfilled and pleased that he has finally gotten the message. I make my way home regretting I didn’t cop a feel from XsN but optimistic there’ll be more chances to come. As long as I am a true son of my womanizing father!

This thing don too long, abeg and it’s mostly boring after this anyway. I guess I’ll give you the Part 2 in the next post…

To God Be The Glory

Oh! Before I forget my Tagged post, the wrong answer is No. 1. I have actually been in only one REAL relationship, yes she was older than me, yes I have never dated anyone my age or younger and Esquire despite whatever you said I forgive you. I am still keeping my vow of abstinence but trust me, I would have thrown the thing away long ago if any girl's dream was to roll under the covers with a nerd. I be uber-dulling right?

If you got it correctly, clap for yourself! If not, just go back to the post and do your “Correction”.
Only Rayo was not permitted to guess because she saw the "ojoro" before I set the exam sef!