The Real Koko (Part 2)

Sorry, I couldn’t finish the last post on my real Itinerary. Let me just go straight ahead with Part Two…

Dec. 28th - Really boring day. The sequence is the same: watch movies early in the morn (PHCN gives us power only by 12 midnight till 6AM), sleep, wake, eat, phone calls/SMSes in the noon, eat, snooze, browse in the evenings, eat, sleep, watch movies early in the morning, etc, etc…
Called Esquire to fix a meeting but the guy wants to take me to the “eatery of my choice” like I’m one new chick he just landed! Hope this guy doesn’t think I suffer from malnutrition oh! Did I come to Lagos only to eat?

Dec. 29th - Still same boring routine (eat, sleep, you know, you know…). Big Bro (my eldest brother) travels to go see his wife and kid. Big Sis returned yesterday so there’s no difference in the house space really…

Noon - Esquire says he’s broke so no meeting till he robs a bank. I’m now fully convinced this guy thinks I’m Ramsey Nouah, Jim Iyke and Genevieve Nnaji combined for all the efforts he’s putting to get me to that “eatery”. I start relishing the disappointment on his face whenever we do get to meet and he sees small, dull me! Checked out the comments on my fake Itinerary post and was stunned with the responses. Read the post again and burst out laughing. It does look funny in retrospect (Rayo’s words not mine).

Night - Me and younger bro have a serious quarrel when he accuses me of spoiling all the gadgets in Big Bro’s house when I try to fix the generator. He said Big Bro told him so but honestly I doubt it. These children of nowadays sef! All this his fineness is getting to his head. It’s been a while since I quarreled with somebody. I think I need more practice.

Dec. 30th - Been calling XsN to check if she’s better now. Good news is that she is. Turns out it wasn’t appendicitis after all (I told you, didn’t I?). Called Wo to share the good news too (like as if she doesn’t know already). The Doctor’s diagnosis? XsN’s pregnant! I start whistling Shaggy’s “It Wasn’t Me” (OK, before some people kill me, the pregnancy bit is a BIG FAT lie oh! I’m just prophesying fertility for XsN in Jesus Name, Amen!)

Noon - Same boring routine (honestly, people, aren’t you bored by now? Me sef I’m bored typing this oh)

Night - Younger bro has another quarrel with Big Sis this time about her accounting for how she spends house money. I won’t lie; I enjoyed being a spectator in this one. Big Sis gives him a proper TKO dressing down! which isn’t an easy feat when you’re up against Baby bro. Some people say I’m sarcastic? Just wait till you meet Big Sis! The young man absconds again to spend time with his g/f. Wish I had the same scalding effect on him…

Dec. 31st - Early morn - Call up a former female acquaintance of mine on the phone and we start talking dirty sex talk. Amazing because nothing dey even happen between us! Since when did I start doing that kin’ nonsense? Na wa oh…I must be getting high on too much jellof rice. Is this how to end 2008? Burnt up all my precious airtime still. After all no be every time I dey get this kin’ “action”.

Morn - Finally! A chance to go out! Big Sis and I hit Yaba Market so I can change my wardrobe. After all it is the last day in 2008. Let go of all my reservations and just spent, spent, spent! Burnt a whole month’s salary in the flick of a finger but at least there’s the distant satisfaction that I’ll be looking good even if I go hungry in 2009!

Night - All the streets around erupt in night parties. This is Lagos indeed. Decided to spend my last moments of 2008 in the church so me, my sis and my niece chose to go for the Vigil Mass. Blocked streets mean we take a detour to get to the church making us get lost along the way. A few okada men offer to assist us this earning some easy Naira for themselves in the process. Church is jam-packed as usual but somehow I’m not really feeling the Praise and Worship sessions. Don’t get me wrong: I am grateful, no make that VERY, VERY, GRATEFUL to GOD for seeing 2008 to an end but I prefer to meet HIM in the gentle breeze not the raging storm.

I reflect on 2008:
- getting my first job though it’s a bad one
- tumbling 360+ degrees in my brother’s new car that crashed at full speed which he never got to show Mom or any of my siblings after all except me and yet surviving the accident with NO SINGLE BONE broken
- being on the road every week criss-crossing Nigeria all in the name of work, sales, repairs and contracts with all the risks of crazy drivers, bad cars, lousy hotels and armed robbers
- joining Blogville and becoming part of a family I had always admired from afar
- looking for love several times during the year and failing woefully but my spirit remains undampened unlike before
- all my close friends getting married and landing posh jobs yet I’m the one who seems like I’m stuck in the mud made even worse when they tell me they’re too busy to pick my calls - “you know I’m busy. Just got a job/husband/wifey now” and all that ish...

2008 was a great year though it was mostly a tough one. Working with hospitals this year made me realize how lucky I am to be alive, whole, hale and hearty. Even my cynical ass has to admit that much.

January 1st 2009 - Happy New Year! The relatively cool digital countdown clock on the wall of St. Cyprian’s that has been marking the remaining seconds till the New Year fails just as I want to snap a picture of when it changes to 2009. Ahn ahn! What is the meaning of this? After I’ve been jostling for a good angle of it with my camera phone despite the big heads blocking it? No New Year pix for The Phoneparazzi blog then. Sorry…

On Reaching Home - Eat (even though it’s almost 2 AM) and sleep. Can’t start 2009 hungry, can I? Not good at all. My belly agrees.

Later in the Morn - Esquire calls. Says we should meet up in Otta to enjoy the spoils of his great bank robbery (I suspect his mom and sisters must be a few dollars poorer by now). Told him to hang on because I have a ton of washing to do (have to remove that Okrika smell from some of the bend-down boutique clothes I bought yesterday. As Faze talk, “If na from Bend-down Boutique, all na My Money”)

Noon - Head out to Otta. Get there faster than expected and call Esquire from the Tollgate. He’s on the way.

45 Minutes Later - Esquire is still on his way. Did he stop to hijack another bank? My head don dey swell oh! He must think he’s meeting not just me but that I brought Empress Njamah along too!

5 Minutes After That - One tall guy like that saunters up to me. Think he wants to ask me for directions and just as I’m about to tell him I’m a stranger here as well when he takes off his stunnahz and I realize he’s truly Esquire. The bobo is fine in a rugged way, dresses fine and even his Yoruba sounds like Queen’s English. If I be girl, I for trip.

We head over to Gateway Hotel and the place is filled with mostly teenage girls and pubescent boys looking for a chance to spoil before school starts. I start feeling like a grandfather instantly. Decline hanging out in the club (see pix above) before one of these girls does an R. Kelly number on me. Esquire & I stick to the poolside where a DJ’s jamming and everyone’s dancing like as if they’ve caught epilepsy. Are those the latest dance steps now? One recurring track is DJ Azeez’s “4Kasibe” or whatever the name is. We swap gist about blog strategies shouting over the din of loud music. I’m not sure he even heard half of what I said!

Close To 4 PM - The MC makes an announcement that everyone should clear out from the pool. Turns out the guys have been playing dirty finger games with the girls. Children of nowadays!(How many times will I say that?)

The soul of the party begins to wither with the exit from the pool. Some boys decide to start 2009 on a bad note by attacking a member of a rival gang with sticks! Esquire and I calmly take cover and we later dodge out of the hotel while everyone’s looking confused (see pix below).

I leave disappointed. Sticks! And all the while I was expecting gunshots or something more serious… As we part ways, I look at Esquire and ask him just one question: Why are you still single?

6 PM - I’m back home. Esquire must be disappointed in me, I guess. In his words, he actually thought I was a “more fun loving guy”. Sorry! My blog personality just isn’t my real life personality.

Jan 4th - Departure date from Lasgidi. Rayo invites me to a “Crowne Troupe” performance and tells me to delay departure till tomorrow but as I tell her "she no fine reach!"

Jan 5th - Back to my thankless and boring job. I told you guys, didn’t I?

And that, my dear friends, is the end of Solomon Grundy.