Bits And Pieces 5: I’m Still Watching My Neighbour’s Idiot Box

Foreword:
Shortly after my last post, someone hit me up on FB to say: “Ol’ boy, why are you talking as if you wan die. Abi your girl leave you? Remember that people like me are still there for you.”

The message was private so I don’t know who the sender was but Thanks all the same. It would have just been a little bit nicer if I knew who exactly “was still there for me”.

No, I no wan die and yes, my girl did leave me a very, very long time ago but I’m going to be alright. Thanks for all the concern, blogville and here I present my B & P Part 5:

The Ass of an Ass is what?
So, all the conjecture was just that: conjecture, eh?

Plenty has been said already about the N.B.C.’s suspension and eventual release of the broadcasting license for Channels Television for supposedly announcing that Yardie was set to resign from office but I read an interesting piece by Steve Nwosu in the Daily Sun of Wednesday 17th September, which raises a lot of questions to mind.

Apart from all the back-and-forth between the Presidency and the Media, blaming the gist on hackers and all that, let’s not forget that the detention of some Channels TV and N.A.N. staff by the S.S.S. no matter how brief sharply brings to mind the gory glory days of Abacha when the same security arm used to hound staff of Tell Magazine for actually telling the truth.

Looking at it from one angle, Channels truly ought to have verified the authenticity of their stories before broadcasting giving its security implications - imagined or otherwise - and they have paid the price for putting sensationalism before professionalism. So I guess you could say Channels TV made an ass of themselves, right?

However, the NBC’s parodied flexing of its muscles in this way is just downright laughable to me. This was the same NBC that also suspended AIT’s broadcast license for the simple “crime” of being the first media house to give accurate accounts of the Lissa Village plane crash when various Ministers and top Government officials were busy contradicting each other, misleading the public on the actual location of the missing plane and prolonging the anguish of relatives.

Last I heard the Presidency is unhappy with SaharaReporters.com for publishing unflattering pictures of one of the First Kids or so. Who knows? Maybe, the next thing will be for the NBC to try suspending bloggers’ licences for blogging. At least that would give them something else to do (and apart from suspending licenses, what does the NBC do to promote broadcasting anyway?)

As far as I’m concerned the NBC is the ass of an ass. I would have stopped at just calling them an ass but this ancestor of the donkey took offence…

The Esama @ 74
NTA did it again! What’s making me indulge in my favourite sport of NTA-bashing this time? Well, they took up the entire morning of Sunday, September 14, 2008 broadcasting Igbinedion’s 74th Birthday celebrations. Of course I wasn’t so bored as to watch such drudgery but given I didn’t have much choice (haven’t been able to start up that cable TV fund I’ve been thinking of) I had to skip to the channel from time to time.

My personal Highlight of the broadcast was where the NTA reporter was interviewing the Esama himself after the church ceremony and tossed him a question about his happiest moments during the celebrations.

Esama started answering with the usual “every-day-is-a-happy-day” speech politicians know so well when he spotted someone off-camera. After enquiring from no-one in his entourage in particular if that was the Governor (?), he suddenly realized the microphone was still his face relaying his question to the over 40 million strong viewing audience. Displaying dexterity that belied his 74 years, he then deflected the mic down far away from his person and towards the floor leaving the said reporter feeling very embarrassed.

Luckily the director must have read the situation quickly and cut to another scene inside the church. By the time the Esama was ready to do the interview again, NTA decided they had had enough and this time they had the last laugh. They cut the interview on him!

Happy Birthday in arrears, Esama. May we all live till the glorious age of 74.

And while we’re praying Lord, may we never have EFCC-hounded children too. Amen!

So I Said It FIRST!
Remember when I spoke about the under-utilization of ATM’s when it comes to their advertising capabilities? Turns out the words were hardly out of my mouth before the banks finally caught on the idea. How do I mean? Just pay a visit to an ATM belonging to Bank PHB and you just might spot their adverts showing real time on its LCD display in full living colours.

Or at least there’s one I know that does. Went to the No. 53 Gbongan Road branch of the bank to carry out my plastic transactions and was pleasantly surprised to find the “Alfie The Talking Driverless Car” ad showing on the ATM screen. And it plays continuously from the very beginning through till the end until you pop in your card and the transaction menu takes over.

As a title screen clearly educated me, the real name of the ad is actually “Autodrive Version 2” (which is Version 1?) and it was directed by Jorge Rubia for Insight Communications/ Bank PHB and runs for all of 45 seconds.

And as the financial menu told me, my ATM card belonged to an Invalid Account and so I couldn’t withdraw any cash.

I still haven’t learnt the Twelfth Commandment obviously.

Another First
I swear, Sele Eradiri (of Newsline) reads this blog! If not, tell me how come she went about doing a story for Newsline on Sunday, 21st September about enforcing the use of helmets by commercial motorcycle riders and their passengers? Remember I told you the helmet allegations would soon hit Newsline?

Turns out what the helmet enforcement law the FRSC is trying to make mandatory by January 1st, 2009 has long been enforced in Calabar for years now. And thanks to Sele Eradiri and her many years of investigative journalism for bringing the helmet issue to the forefront. Lord knows she’s the only alive person on Newsline nowadays.

And please people, the helmets are for our protection. Having worked with radiology personnel for some months now, I have it on good authority that motorcycle accidents are usually the deadliest.

Pure Water Just Got A New Name…
Also of note on the same episode of Newsline was the product launch of Chi Industries’ ChiSecure Mineral Table Water, the first time ever that good old table water comes packaged in… wait for this… TETRA PAK!

That’s right! Chi Industries latest attempts at re-inventing the wheel now means that high class yoghurts, milk and fruit drinks shall have to suffer the indignity of sharing their cubic cardboard packing with our dear ordinary “pure” water. The ad for this innovative concept (please note the intended sarcasm) shows Nollywood’s Saint Obi all dressed up as Captain ChiSecure, a superhero character who battles it out in a with another disease-carrying superhero when the bad guy tries to infiltrate Chi Water’s much-touted double seal.

Interestingly, before the appearance of Captain ChiSecure in the aisles of the supermarket where the battle takes place, the dirty superhero succeeds in contaminating a bottle of what looks suspiciously like the re-launched Table Water of a competing leading brand with the label carefully blurred out. One would have thought the Nigerian ad companies have better things to do than this sort of underhand mud-slinging they’re resorting to nowadays.

On the plus side, the idea of Tetra Pak-ing is actually good news for environmentalists as it means more use for recycled cardboard and less plastic / PET bottles littered all over the place.

Chi’s table water does have a certain cool factor about it especially in its looks. And just think about it: at a recommended retail price of 70 Naira per liter, you can now fool your more ignorant friends, visitors and neighbours into thinking your fridge is fully stocked with Tetra Paks. After all no one’s to know it’s just water.

Unless you tell them of course.

Happy New Month!

The Twelfth Commandment

All Media - Advertising - The Gist

No, it’s not what you think. The title of this post isn’t the title of a movie I’m reviewing. It isn’t an album either neither is it a documentary. It’s just an experience I’ve gone through recently that I thought I should share with you.

Do you know those automatic cash dispensers better known as ATMs (Automated/Automatic Teller Machines)? When they were introduced into the Nigerian financial scene by the banking sector I was one of the few people that danced madly in joy over the news. The reason for this was clear. In my line of thinking, ATMs meant PC Networking, Networking meant Computers and Computers meant Civilization. Hurray! Digital Civilization had come to Nigeria!

I remember waiting earnestly for my bank to issue me with the cherished plastic. After years of running a paper-based account I was finally going to say good riddance to the things of old and move up to the swipe-and-pay. No more torn bank books for me or having to sign twice behind the slip after waiting 30 minutes for the female cashier to freshen her make-up or the male one to stop chatting up the girl ahead of me in the queue.

And so one day it was my turn to be issued with plastic cash. My happiness knew no bounds. I wasn’t swayed by the fact that it wasn’t exactly a license for uncontrolled spending (a.k.a. a credit card) or that a few days ago, I’d read an article in a national newspaper captioned: “Beware of the Automated Thieving Machine”. Not even the mandatory 2-day wait for my account to fully migrate to digitaldom or the 105 Naira ATM charge deducted at my first withdrawal was going to dampen my enthusiasm. I had unshakeable faith in digital power!

“Wetin concern Media Nemesis with ATM?” you might ask. Well maybe it’s the media content developer in me. Deep in my mind every time I approach the automated money-doler, I can’t help but wonder how much underutilized these machines are in reaching out to people. All the ATMs I know just play annoyingly short and rubbishy repetitive snippets of classical music which a digital voice tells you to wait for your transaction. And the screens mostly deliver adverts tailored only towards the deploying financial institution offering you crazy loan schemes.

Now I’ll need your help here. I want you to close your eyes and imagine…

Imagine if the FIRST TIME you heard bits of Sasha’s “Adara”, 9ice’s “Gongo Aso” or P-Square’s “Do Me” was on an ATM machine! I can imagine the conversation going something like this:

A: Have you heard the latest?

B: No! Wetin dey?

A: Ah! You too slack oh! P-Square now have a new hit track out!

B: Oh yeah? Where you hear am? Which radio station?

A: Radio ke? Have you been to XYZ Bank lately?

B: No! When I no get money? Abi you pay inside my account?

A: Pay wetin? Abeg check out their ATM jo! Even if you just go there and pretend to do an Account Inquiry, you’ll hear all the latest tracks pumping out from the speakers. I even heard D-Banj’s latest CD there too. And there’s Ruggedman, Konga, Weird MC, Sammy Okposo, BOUQUI, even the latest boys from Aba…

B: Eh! Abeg I dey go there now-now Make e no be say na me be the last to hear am.

Yeah, I know the idea might even sound lame but how would we know the efficacy of it if we never try it out anyway? CD releases, Nollywood movie trailers and screenings times, shows and events, indeed everything entertainingly gratifying could turn out to be fodder for this advertising cannon. Still imagining, just reflect on the even more numbers of customers they might reach if the telecom companies partner with banks to lease some ATM screen space to advertise their promos.

It’s not just the telecoms either. Imagine if Bank PHB gave us all the updates on The Apprentice Africa via their ATM screens and printed out the viewing times along with your financial details on the ATM receipt? Imagine if Skye Bank had printed out special complimentary Celebrity Takes 2 tickets for customers who use the ATM a certain number of times? Or if UBA had dome the same thing for the 2008 AMMAs? It’s a well worn cliché but if media marketers had just a little bit of imagination to utilize the numerous ATMs around instead of scrambling to erect massive bridge-like billboards, the possibilities would just start becoming endless.

Of course, typical with the Nigerian-faddish way of thinking, the possibilities of abuse would be endless too.

One can equally imagine the resulting cacophony that would result from the simple act of turning an ATM into a jukebox as neighboring banks would jostle not just for our accounts but our auditory senses as well. The issue of copyright infringement would also rear its ugly head in the hallowed halls of banking as greedy marketers no doubt would eagerly sign up to sell the same content to competing banks without any resultant remuneration to the artistes themselves. And which octogenarian would want to have his/her slowly failing hearing damaged more by “Do Me” blaring from a machine that’s already tough enough to manipulate as it is?

And if the marketers were given domain over the ATM screen then it would become an advertising Armageddon even worse than what we get when watching TV soaps. We’d be made to spend more and more time waiting for our transactions as we are bombarded with commercials for soaps, toothpaste, churches, cigarettes, condoms, furniture, milk, sweets, and yes, the banks too. The advert glut and the resulting chaos from it might be enough to even make you hunger once more for the days of paper…

My reverie is over. Much as the ATM symbolizes a movement towards the digital future for Nigeria I think I’d rather leave them as they are for now. ATM-based marketing can further enhance the entertainment experience if well handled but when last did we ever handle anything right?

Now going back to the title of this post, I assume everyone knows the 11th Commandment, right? (In case you didn’t it is this: Thou shall not get caught.) Well, recently, I was FLAT BROKE but that wasn’t enough to shake me like in the past. After calmly strolling to my friendly neighbourhood ATM in my friendly neighbourhood UBA premises, I slotted in the plastic key to my account and dutifully followed all the instructions on the screen. Of course, the amount was also dutifully deducted from my account and the card dutifully popped out…WITHOUT THE MONEY!!!

Not believing what I was seeing, I decided to take up the case with Customer Care. Unfortunately, the guards who must have heard all the ATM tales of woe dutifully and politely blocked the door (it was almost 6pm) and told me the problem would resolve itself within 48 hours.

48 hours?!? Now I was mad! Having nothing more on me than a damaged N20 note and none of my pride, I first tried to bluff, then seeing that wouldn’t work, I put on my best British aristocrat mannerism and politely asked the guards for a tiny N20 loan to find my way home. The guards in question must have heard those lines several times too because they both politely shook their heads: NO.

I was too weak to even drop the Briton routine and switch back to my Agbero one. To cut the long story short, a young Police dude who’d suffered the same ATM dupery saved the situation by lending me the said amount without even wanting to know if he’d ever see me again. Now I can’t really say bad things about the Police anymore.

For someone like me who likes to throw money around when people ask for my help, it sure humbled me how desperate one can go for just N20. And yes, the money did revert back to the card within the 48 hours as promised.

What lessons have I learnt from this? You just might consider taking your bank book along ‘cause you just might not know when that ATM will disappoint you. And I have learnt the Twelfth Commandment: THOU SHALL NEVER TRUST AN ATM…

PS: In case the whole idea of ATM marketing fully kicks off in Nigeria and becomes a money spinner for advert companies and media execs, just remember: I said it first!