Hate It Or Love It

We hate ads. Whenever they come up on the TV or we hear them on the radio or we catch a glimpse of the gargantuan billboards, our first instinct most of the time commands us to either pick up the remote, change the channel or just look away in exasperation.

Now here’s a Newsflash for you: Ironically, we also sub-consciously love ads too! Statistics show that a large amount of purchases we make or services we subscribe to stem not just from word-of-mouth recommendations of friends and family but are also based on the adverts we see, hear and instinctively like.

To cut the long story short, ADs DO WORK and companies, recognizing this, virtually break the bank and sink large percentages of their revenue into their ad campaigns while the advertising companies jostle for their fat accounts.

Most adverts it seems can be broadly classified into 3 categories: ads to die for, ads to ignore and ads that make you slowly die inside. Here are just a few ads which screen regularly on Nigerian TV that fall into these categories especially the first:

Ads To Die For

The BMW 1 Series: This Coscharis Motors’ driven ad takes the award for being one of the most imaginative ads out there. It features two BMW 1 hatchbacks (one white, the other black) each driven by a guy and a lady as they race each other down a highway which winds its way through several stops marked with beautiful scenery.
Now here comes the imaginative bit. Along the way, the sky changes from daylight when the white vehicle is ahead to nighttime whenever the black one overtakes which happens several time in the course of the ad all this happening while the special inner and outer features and selling points of both cars are discreetly shown to you. By the time they both come to a halt at the end of the race the daytime and night sky fuses to form a breath-taking eclipse of the sun.
Imaginative. Brilliant. Beautiful.

Etisalat’s 0809ja For Life: For once, I’m actually putting my skepticisms aside to like the wrapping paper before I actually peek at the gift wrapped inside. Etisalat is yet to launch (at least in my area) so I have no idea what their services will be like but I just LOVE this advert.
I’m talking of the particular one that features Banky W. strutting along a rapidly morphing backdrop of club-lights-inspired colours, a swimming pool and a basketball court singing the Etisalat theme song in that voice that only a Banky W. can have.
This ad is very youth-oriented and I like the bit where he pauses and shows the 0809 tattoo near his biceps while answering the phone. Of course there are several weak points in the ad like the entire basketball scenes and the wacky dancing at the very ending but, IT’S 080 - 9JA FOR LIFE, BABY!

Emvite Super from Emzor Pharmaceuticals: It does look a bit like an amateurish ad and the chick in it isn’t really so hot but she does somehow manage to get 2 guys to chase after her so I guess she’s OK. The setting is simple. Two guys scope out the chick for a while then when she gets into a taxi both of them break out into the race of their lives to track her down and claim the price. One of them of course tires quickly while the other (buoyed up no doubt by Emvite Super) coolly dashes after the taxi, runs up and down several flights of stairs and still presents the belle with a long-stemmed rose without breaking out in a sweat.
My elder bro actually took just one look at this ad and declared he’d rather save his energy and stop and chat up the other two girls whom the guys run past

Stanbic IBTC’s Guardian Angel-type ad: Check this out: You wake up in the morning and see a blurry image of a guy in a suit who has been watching over you while you slept. You clear your eyes and poof! He’s gone! You try to put your foot down on the floor and mysterious hands put your slippers underneath them. This blurry suited guy not only hangs around as you prepare for work but actually sits on the trunk of your car as you drive there.
Spooky, isn’t it?
Well that’s the new wave of Stanbic IBTC’s ad though the overall theme is meant to be that of reassurance and not fear; reassurance that their staff are always watching over you and your affairs even when you sleep (I wish I could actually feel reassurance instead of the usual skepticism with which I view ALL financial institutions).
The place in the ad were I like is the part where you see a busy highway with the corporate male and female “guardian angels” sitting on the trunks of each and every car in sight. It sort of reminds me of a scene from “City of Angels” and must have taken a whole lot of planning and daring to shoot.
And did I mention that the main “guardian angel” actually looks like Vitalis, a guy I used to know in my university days?

Zain’s TruTalk & TruTxt: Compared to Zain’s other relatively weak, ubiquitous ads and despite their distastefully-coloured premises, the fact that commercial is CGI-animated actually does boost its eye appeal. The rapping 3D animated characters are all dressed in hip Naija-styled Hop-hop gear complete with the bling-bling and clutching their cellular phones while the lyrics of their rhymes scroll underneath your screen karaoke-fashion just so in case you should think the words are phat enough to make you want to lip sync them.
This advert is targeted at the young and fly so if you don’t understand all the lingo in the preceding paragraph, then it’s definitely not aimed at you and you’ll probably never understand it anyway.
As for me, I like it just fine coz it’s TRU!

“It Begins With You”: These series of ads became popular with the advent of the “Imagine Africa” TV reality show and each one in the series compels the viewer to first of all imagine a HIV-free generation of Africans. Some of these ads actually portray how circumstances like peer pressure, the lack of proper sex education alongside the communication gap between parents and children could lead to the spread of the disease. Yet another one shows the relevance of going for HIV testing and how by individually dealing with stigmatization, we can better understand how to get along with PLWHAs (People Living With HIV/AIDS).
Now, it’s no use looking over your shoulder or pointing fingers whenever the ads play. Yes, HIV can be conquered in Africa and yes, we can have a HIV-free generation but just like the ad says, “It Begins With YOU!”

MTN’s “Go Start Something”: Yeah, yeah, I’ve watched it like a million times but I still look up anytime I hear the nursery rhyme soundtrack to see that little girl fly up that staircase and “go start something”. I just wish MTN could give us some other very imaginative adverts like this one and the funny “Share & Sell PIN ad (the advertised code doesn’t work by the way) and scrap the “Go Join The Winning Team” and “XtraCool” ads.
The variety and sheer number of people used to shoot this ad and the perfect editing of the hand-clap choreography must have given the Casting crew and Director sleepless nights but it all turned out good in the end (by the way, did you spot the very fat girl somewhere down the line in the street hand clapping chain? She appears and does a little hop - big skirt and all - just after another runs past to fill a gap in the line). Also, the shaky zooming in and out camera effect gives the viewer the impression as if we are viewing the commercial out of our very own handy-cams.
I might seem biased but in all honesty, the telcos and the banks seem to make the best ads nowadays anyway.

Ads To Ignore

Since we largely ignore them anyway is there any use listing them out? Adverts that fall into this category include the commercials for toothpaste, soaps, air refreshners, sanitary pads, food seasonings, tea, chocolate and milk drinks, detergents and any out of a thousand household items which we’ve been using since we were babies, adverts or no adverts.
Loosely bundled into this category are adverts that bear the mark of a Federal Government Ministry (except from NAFDAC of course) and the House of Assembly.
I also once used to like the “Heart of Africa” ads but nowadays I just choose to ignore them.

Plus An Ad That Makes You Die

Yardie’s 7 Point Agenda: If you are happen to be a frequent viewer of the NTA, you’re most likely aware that they keep a handy stack of ads cued ready to roll once they have transmission hitches. Yardie’s Manifesto ad happens to be sitting at the top of that stack right now.
When the broadcast signals fail, NTA gleefully puts on the 7 Point Agenda ad. When the Lagos Network Centre loses the picture, here comes the good old 7 Point Agenda advert to the rescue. When we can only see Ololade Adeniji-Adele or Bilikisu Liman from the Abuja Centre moving their lips without hearing the audio, the 7 point Agenda comes out of the bag once again sometimes also without the sound too. And when the 7 Point Agenda ad fails to play what next does NTA do? Why, they put on the 7 Point Agenda ad again!
Ironically, the ad is supposed to list out Yardie’s achievements but it actually does the exact opposite. I’m honestly sick and tired of constantly being reminded what exactly his administration promised and hasn’t delivered till now.

Politicians it seems, unlike ads will never change…

PS: This list is by no means exhaustive and before it crosses anyone’s mind, I do not seek to endorse any of the products / services mentioned here. As a matter of fact I’d rather watch “Super Story” and “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” without the ads, thank you very much!

Bits And Pieces 5: I’m Still Watching My Neighbour’s Idiot Box

Foreword:
Shortly after my last post, someone hit me up on FB to say: “Ol’ boy, why are you talking as if you wan die. Abi your girl leave you? Remember that people like me are still there for you.”

The message was private so I don’t know who the sender was but Thanks all the same. It would have just been a little bit nicer if I knew who exactly “was still there for me”.

No, I no wan die and yes, my girl did leave me a very, very long time ago but I’m going to be alright. Thanks for all the concern, blogville and here I present my B & P Part 5:

The Ass of an Ass is what?
So, all the conjecture was just that: conjecture, eh?

Plenty has been said already about the N.B.C.’s suspension and eventual release of the broadcasting license for Channels Television for supposedly announcing that Yardie was set to resign from office but I read an interesting piece by Steve Nwosu in the Daily Sun of Wednesday 17th September, which raises a lot of questions to mind.

Apart from all the back-and-forth between the Presidency and the Media, blaming the gist on hackers and all that, let’s not forget that the detention of some Channels TV and N.A.N. staff by the S.S.S. no matter how brief sharply brings to mind the gory glory days of Abacha when the same security arm used to hound staff of Tell Magazine for actually telling the truth.

Looking at it from one angle, Channels truly ought to have verified the authenticity of their stories before broadcasting giving its security implications - imagined or otherwise - and they have paid the price for putting sensationalism before professionalism. So I guess you could say Channels TV made an ass of themselves, right?

However, the NBC’s parodied flexing of its muscles in this way is just downright laughable to me. This was the same NBC that also suspended AIT’s broadcast license for the simple “crime” of being the first media house to give accurate accounts of the Lissa Village plane crash when various Ministers and top Government officials were busy contradicting each other, misleading the public on the actual location of the missing plane and prolonging the anguish of relatives.

Last I heard the Presidency is unhappy with SaharaReporters.com for publishing unflattering pictures of one of the First Kids or so. Who knows? Maybe, the next thing will be for the NBC to try suspending bloggers’ licences for blogging. At least that would give them something else to do (and apart from suspending licenses, what does the NBC do to promote broadcasting anyway?)

As far as I’m concerned the NBC is the ass of an ass. I would have stopped at just calling them an ass but this ancestor of the donkey took offence…

The Esama @ 74
NTA did it again! What’s making me indulge in my favourite sport of NTA-bashing this time? Well, they took up the entire morning of Sunday, September 14, 2008 broadcasting Igbinedion’s 74th Birthday celebrations. Of course I wasn’t so bored as to watch such drudgery but given I didn’t have much choice (haven’t been able to start up that cable TV fund I’ve been thinking of) I had to skip to the channel from time to time.

My personal Highlight of the broadcast was where the NTA reporter was interviewing the Esama himself after the church ceremony and tossed him a question about his happiest moments during the celebrations.

Esama started answering with the usual “every-day-is-a-happy-day” speech politicians know so well when he spotted someone off-camera. After enquiring from no-one in his entourage in particular if that was the Governor (?), he suddenly realized the microphone was still his face relaying his question to the over 40 million strong viewing audience. Displaying dexterity that belied his 74 years, he then deflected the mic down far away from his person and towards the floor leaving the said reporter feeling very embarrassed.

Luckily the director must have read the situation quickly and cut to another scene inside the church. By the time the Esama was ready to do the interview again, NTA decided they had had enough and this time they had the last laugh. They cut the interview on him!

Happy Birthday in arrears, Esama. May we all live till the glorious age of 74.

And while we’re praying Lord, may we never have EFCC-hounded children too. Amen!

So I Said It FIRST!
Remember when I spoke about the under-utilization of ATM’s when it comes to their advertising capabilities? Turns out the words were hardly out of my mouth before the banks finally caught on the idea. How do I mean? Just pay a visit to an ATM belonging to Bank PHB and you just might spot their adverts showing real time on its LCD display in full living colours.

Or at least there’s one I know that does. Went to the No. 53 Gbongan Road branch of the bank to carry out my plastic transactions and was pleasantly surprised to find the “Alfie The Talking Driverless Car” ad showing on the ATM screen. And it plays continuously from the very beginning through till the end until you pop in your card and the transaction menu takes over.

As a title screen clearly educated me, the real name of the ad is actually “Autodrive Version 2” (which is Version 1?) and it was directed by Jorge Rubia for Insight Communications/ Bank PHB and runs for all of 45 seconds.

And as the financial menu told me, my ATM card belonged to an Invalid Account and so I couldn’t withdraw any cash.

I still haven’t learnt the Twelfth Commandment obviously.

Another First
I swear, Sele Eradiri (of Newsline) reads this blog! If not, tell me how come she went about doing a story for Newsline on Sunday, 21st September about enforcing the use of helmets by commercial motorcycle riders and their passengers? Remember I told you the helmet allegations would soon hit Newsline?

Turns out what the helmet enforcement law the FRSC is trying to make mandatory by January 1st, 2009 has long been enforced in Calabar for years now. And thanks to Sele Eradiri and her many years of investigative journalism for bringing the helmet issue to the forefront. Lord knows she’s the only alive person on Newsline nowadays.

And please people, the helmets are for our protection. Having worked with radiology personnel for some months now, I have it on good authority that motorcycle accidents are usually the deadliest.

Pure Water Just Got A New Name…
Also of note on the same episode of Newsline was the product launch of Chi Industries’ ChiSecure Mineral Table Water, the first time ever that good old table water comes packaged in… wait for this… TETRA PAK!

That’s right! Chi Industries latest attempts at re-inventing the wheel now means that high class yoghurts, milk and fruit drinks shall have to suffer the indignity of sharing their cubic cardboard packing with our dear ordinary “pure” water. The ad for this innovative concept (please note the intended sarcasm) shows Nollywood’s Saint Obi all dressed up as Captain ChiSecure, a superhero character who battles it out in a with another disease-carrying superhero when the bad guy tries to infiltrate Chi Water’s much-touted double seal.

Interestingly, before the appearance of Captain ChiSecure in the aisles of the supermarket where the battle takes place, the dirty superhero succeeds in contaminating a bottle of what looks suspiciously like the re-launched Table Water of a competing leading brand with the label carefully blurred out. One would have thought the Nigerian ad companies have better things to do than this sort of underhand mud-slinging they’re resorting to nowadays.

On the plus side, the idea of Tetra Pak-ing is actually good news for environmentalists as it means more use for recycled cardboard and less plastic / PET bottles littered all over the place.

Chi’s table water does have a certain cool factor about it especially in its looks. And just think about it: at a recommended retail price of 70 Naira per liter, you can now fool your more ignorant friends, visitors and neighbours into thinking your fridge is fully stocked with Tetra Paks. After all no one’s to know it’s just water.

Unless you tell them of course.

Happy New Month!

Bits And Pieces 4: We Apologise For The Break In Transmission. My TV Has Gone POOF!

There! I claim the award for the longest title for any post on Blogville this week. OK, where’s my Oscar? Or is it my Blog-scar? Thank you very much, thank you!

That aside, I am feeling very peeved at the moment. Very, very, very, very peeved! And my current state of mind is going to be reflected in my post this week as I’m beefing on everything. Well, almost…

My TV Has Gone POOF!
Last weekend wasn’t nice for me at all. Matter of fact, it was mostly nasty. Got back from a business trip to Bida, Niger State (where everything seems so slowww) after working my butt of from Monday to Saturday, put on my TV first thing as I step into the house and POOF it goes up in smoke!

Turns out a high tension cable cut somewhere on the street causing 330 volts of electricity (I actually measured it) to surge through the house. Most surprising was the speed with which the PHCN guys appeared on the scene to correct the fault after (note the emphasis) my TV had blown.

The long and short of the gist is that I get to miss the ongoing Maltina Dance All reality show till I get the idiot box fixed so I can’t post about that for now. Sorry guys!

From The Dailies
One of the interesting offshoots of the Niger trip was that I got to read the newspapers, a pleasure I haven’t had in ages. It’s a shame really considering I used to devour the stuff ravenously in former times even reading past issues all the way back to the 60’s just to find what exactly was good about the good old days (there isn’t much of a difference from modern times really, just that the economy was far better).

There wasn’t much gist that interested me in the papers sha, just a few conspiracy theories about Yardie’s disappearance, updates on Big Brother Africa 3, a top-class article written by John Ebri titled “Stealing as Patriotism” and then the gossip about the Northern cleric called Ma’asaba with 86 wives (yes, eighty-six!)

And to think some guys can’t even get one! That man definitely has tons of game or the women must have been very shallow-minded because it makes you wonder what sort of magic pull he held over them. Guy sure must have been hung like a horse - no, make that a dinosaur - to keep all them women satisfied.

Last I heard a fatwa had been placed on his head unless he does as he had been told and divorces all but four of them or leave Nupeland for good. Unconfirmed sources say the Estu Nupe was getting so worried over the growing cases of female scarcity that he decided to break the monopoly once and for all …

Promos And Bank Woes…
First Bank has the Big Splash, Bank PHB says You Go Win, and UBA is offering the Savings Grand Slam. ‘Tis the season of bank promos again as they all strive to charm our hard-earned cash out of our pockets and into their air-conditioned vaults. Nice try, but if one wanted to write a book about bank woes it would be an encyclopedia.

My UBA account has been frozen for Lord knows how long just because I’ve been running it as a Corper’s Account for more than one year. Oddly enough I’d been trying to change it since I completed the service year but the pretty cashier always smiles at me each time I make a withdrawal and says no problem. Now I get to suffer the consequences of their inability to update their records.

Went to report at one of their branches at Abule-Egba but the idiot I met there kept insisting I produce an international passport, driver’s license or National ID card (I have neither) and current PHCN bill to prove my identity and place of residence. Beast-of-No-Nation that I am and the fact that I use a pre-paid meter in my house (which means I get no PHCN bills) made no difference to him as my explanations fell on deaf ears. Oddly enough, I wasn’t asked for any of these when I opened the account in the first place. Then, they were the ones begging me!

At least the guy I later met in their Osogbo branch was much nicer telling me my employee ID card and that PHCN bill (still!) were good enough. It’s just plain idiocy as far as I’m concerned but I’ll just have to comply. Does anyone out there have a PHCN bill to lend me, please?

Attracting Fakeness
Either everything in Nigeria is turning out to be fake or I’m turning out to be a fakeness magnet. Can’t for the life of me understand why everything I buy nowadays barely lasts as long as it should, is cunningly mislabeled or turns out to be a total fake.

First case in point: I recently decided to upgrade the limited capacity of my 64MB microSD memory card for my phone to 256 MB since I’m getting tired of the old one. A visit to the nearby Chinese-phone seller and 900 bucks later and I emerge the proud owner of the said card. I go home, pop it into my phone, format the card, plug the phone to my PC and start uploading my music like crazy. Just 8 songs later and a window pops up to say the card is full! WHAT?

I check the card to be sure 256 MB is written on the body, and then thinking my PC is in one of its moods swings, I check the card properties only for it to read 24 MB! It’s so ridiculous! I didn’t even know SD cards could come with such small capacity. Needless to say, I returned the card sharpish and got a replacement and the guy was even good enough to load a few songs and videos on it as if to compensate me for the trickery. Interestingly, he carefully returned the fake one back to the packet just waiting for the next gullible customer to come along.

Then there’s the case of the fake (or rather) stale wheat loaf I bought for my boss from a supermarket in the Alekuwodo area of Osogbo. But that’s gist for another day…

The Lennox Lewis Of Music
The weekend wasn’t all sorrow, tears and blood though. At least I got to listen to the Leona Lewis “Spirit” CD. The album’s such a knockout I’m beginning to call her the “Lennox Lewis of Music” for the moment. I’m really digging that CD most especially as it’s a refreshing distraction from all the Hip-Hop based tracks one gets to hear nowadays.

My faves include the tracks “Bleeding Love”, “Better In Time”, “Yesterday”, “Take A Bow”, “Best You Never Had” and a couple of enduring classics like my perennial favourite, “First Time Ever I Saw Your Face”. Ironically, most of them are love-gone-sour, heartbreak type songs.

Leona sounds like at times like a mix of Mariah Carey, Alicia Keys, Shania Twain and Kelly Clarkson all rolled into one and her powerful lyrics hit home and hard too. If you’re looking for something fresh and you love music from any of these female artistes, then go grab this album from your friendly neighbourhood music store or pirate. You most definitely won’t regret it…

And Some Real Butt-Shaking!
After the disappointment of watching the Mo’ Hits music video for “Booty Call” (there’s hardly any booty in it by the way), I’ve learnt to be wary of songs that have the words: twist, wind, roll, shake or booty in their titles or lyrics. Then I also caught a video by a Naija dude called “Big Mouth” titled “Wyne Your Body” thanks to the Chinese-phone seller who downloaded it on my phone.

There’s nothing sensational / stunning with the songs or its lyrics and I’ve never honestly heard of Big Mouth before but the video features Naija girls for a change and wasn’t shot in the U.S., South Africa or even Kenya for that matter. Just good old Naija girls winding their entire bodies (not just their behinds) to a good old Naija-sounding song shot at a good old Naija location. Chikena!

I’m still trying to figure out the technicalities of uploading the stuff on YouTube so I can share it with you guys here but for now I’ll just keep on hitting rewind.

Now, where has that phone of mine gotten to…?

The Twelfth Commandment

All Media - Advertising - The Gist

No, it’s not what you think. The title of this post isn’t the title of a movie I’m reviewing. It isn’t an album either neither is it a documentary. It’s just an experience I’ve gone through recently that I thought I should share with you.

Do you know those automatic cash dispensers better known as ATMs (Automated/Automatic Teller Machines)? When they were introduced into the Nigerian financial scene by the banking sector I was one of the few people that danced madly in joy over the news. The reason for this was clear. In my line of thinking, ATMs meant PC Networking, Networking meant Computers and Computers meant Civilization. Hurray! Digital Civilization had come to Nigeria!

I remember waiting earnestly for my bank to issue me with the cherished plastic. After years of running a paper-based account I was finally going to say good riddance to the things of old and move up to the swipe-and-pay. No more torn bank books for me or having to sign twice behind the slip after waiting 30 minutes for the female cashier to freshen her make-up or the male one to stop chatting up the girl ahead of me in the queue.

And so one day it was my turn to be issued with plastic cash. My happiness knew no bounds. I wasn’t swayed by the fact that it wasn’t exactly a license for uncontrolled spending (a.k.a. a credit card) or that a few days ago, I’d read an article in a national newspaper captioned: “Beware of the Automated Thieving Machine”. Not even the mandatory 2-day wait for my account to fully migrate to digitaldom or the 105 Naira ATM charge deducted at my first withdrawal was going to dampen my enthusiasm. I had unshakeable faith in digital power!

“Wetin concern Media Nemesis with ATM?” you might ask. Well maybe it’s the media content developer in me. Deep in my mind every time I approach the automated money-doler, I can’t help but wonder how much underutilized these machines are in reaching out to people. All the ATMs I know just play annoyingly short and rubbishy repetitive snippets of classical music which a digital voice tells you to wait for your transaction. And the screens mostly deliver adverts tailored only towards the deploying financial institution offering you crazy loan schemes.

Now I’ll need your help here. I want you to close your eyes and imagine…

Imagine if the FIRST TIME you heard bits of Sasha’s “Adara”, 9ice’s “Gongo Aso” or P-Square’s “Do Me” was on an ATM machine! I can imagine the conversation going something like this:

A: Have you heard the latest?

B: No! Wetin dey?

A: Ah! You too slack oh! P-Square now have a new hit track out!

B: Oh yeah? Where you hear am? Which radio station?

A: Radio ke? Have you been to XYZ Bank lately?

B: No! When I no get money? Abi you pay inside my account?

A: Pay wetin? Abeg check out their ATM jo! Even if you just go there and pretend to do an Account Inquiry, you’ll hear all the latest tracks pumping out from the speakers. I even heard D-Banj’s latest CD there too. And there’s Ruggedman, Konga, Weird MC, Sammy Okposo, BOUQUI, even the latest boys from Aba…

B: Eh! Abeg I dey go there now-now Make e no be say na me be the last to hear am.

Yeah, I know the idea might even sound lame but how would we know the efficacy of it if we never try it out anyway? CD releases, Nollywood movie trailers and screenings times, shows and events, indeed everything entertainingly gratifying could turn out to be fodder for this advertising cannon. Still imagining, just reflect on the even more numbers of customers they might reach if the telecom companies partner with banks to lease some ATM screen space to advertise their promos.

It’s not just the telecoms either. Imagine if Bank PHB gave us all the updates on The Apprentice Africa via their ATM screens and printed out the viewing times along with your financial details on the ATM receipt? Imagine if Skye Bank had printed out special complimentary Celebrity Takes 2 tickets for customers who use the ATM a certain number of times? Or if UBA had dome the same thing for the 2008 AMMAs? It’s a well worn cliché but if media marketers had just a little bit of imagination to utilize the numerous ATMs around instead of scrambling to erect massive bridge-like billboards, the possibilities would just start becoming endless.

Of course, typical with the Nigerian-faddish way of thinking, the possibilities of abuse would be endless too.

One can equally imagine the resulting cacophony that would result from the simple act of turning an ATM into a jukebox as neighboring banks would jostle not just for our accounts but our auditory senses as well. The issue of copyright infringement would also rear its ugly head in the hallowed halls of banking as greedy marketers no doubt would eagerly sign up to sell the same content to competing banks without any resultant remuneration to the artistes themselves. And which octogenarian would want to have his/her slowly failing hearing damaged more by “Do Me” blaring from a machine that’s already tough enough to manipulate as it is?

And if the marketers were given domain over the ATM screen then it would become an advertising Armageddon even worse than what we get when watching TV soaps. We’d be made to spend more and more time waiting for our transactions as we are bombarded with commercials for soaps, toothpaste, churches, cigarettes, condoms, furniture, milk, sweets, and yes, the banks too. The advert glut and the resulting chaos from it might be enough to even make you hunger once more for the days of paper…

My reverie is over. Much as the ATM symbolizes a movement towards the digital future for Nigeria I think I’d rather leave them as they are for now. ATM-based marketing can further enhance the entertainment experience if well handled but when last did we ever handle anything right?

Now going back to the title of this post, I assume everyone knows the 11th Commandment, right? (In case you didn’t it is this: Thou shall not get caught.) Well, recently, I was FLAT BROKE but that wasn’t enough to shake me like in the past. After calmly strolling to my friendly neighbourhood ATM in my friendly neighbourhood UBA premises, I slotted in the plastic key to my account and dutifully followed all the instructions on the screen. Of course, the amount was also dutifully deducted from my account and the card dutifully popped out…WITHOUT THE MONEY!!!

Not believing what I was seeing, I decided to take up the case with Customer Care. Unfortunately, the guards who must have heard all the ATM tales of woe dutifully and politely blocked the door (it was almost 6pm) and told me the problem would resolve itself within 48 hours.

48 hours?!? Now I was mad! Having nothing more on me than a damaged N20 note and none of my pride, I first tried to bluff, then seeing that wouldn’t work, I put on my best British aristocrat mannerism and politely asked the guards for a tiny N20 loan to find my way home. The guards in question must have heard those lines several times too because they both politely shook their heads: NO.

I was too weak to even drop the Briton routine and switch back to my Agbero one. To cut the long story short, a young Police dude who’d suffered the same ATM dupery saved the situation by lending me the said amount without even wanting to know if he’d ever see me again. Now I can’t really say bad things about the Police anymore.

For someone like me who likes to throw money around when people ask for my help, it sure humbled me how desperate one can go for just N20. And yes, the money did revert back to the card within the 48 hours as promised.

What lessons have I learnt from this? You just might consider taking your bank book along ‘cause you just might not know when that ATM will disappoint you. And I have learnt the Twelfth Commandment: THOU SHALL NEVER TRUST AN ATM…

PS: In case the whole idea of ATM marketing fully kicks off in Nigeria and becomes a money spinner for advert companies and media execs, just remember: I said it first!