Dec 24th - Arrival: Oshodi, Lagos. ETA: 3pm via Easy Transport Service. To be received at Park by T. Banky, XsN, Rayo & Woomie. No male bloggers permitted to be present.
Evening - Visits to each of the above-mentioned females’ homes to assess the eligibility of their sisters and gauge the net worth of their respective Popsies just in case… To be chauffeured by Charizard in a black Toyota Corolla.
Night - Fatigued. Sleep over at Esquire's house after dinner. Will use XtraCool to make free night calls to each other from different rooms in the same house. Network will be bad as usual.
Dec 25th - Morn: Picked up by Inyamu for breakfast at Marcopolo then a quick trip to Venni Vicci for a spa treatment.
Noon - Visit to a Motherless Babies' Home for a Christmas Lunch accompanied by LG and FBA with a band of well-dressed but poorly-behaved park touts. LG will wear her white koi-koi shoe, play ten-ten with the kids and fight with them over sweets. All the kids' presents to be donated by Fashola and NURTW.
Evening - Presentation of Xmas gifts to me by Seye ( a new job in ICT, free browsing / web-hosting services for 5 years and a brand-new Acer Aspire laptop), XsN ( a Vic Secret bra as a keepsake / good luck charm and a promise of "better things to come"), Laspapi (a bike ride down the full length of 3rd Mainland Bridge with helmet & full Robocop protection gear), Standtall (a pair of kittens - which I'll apologetically decline - and an invitation to march at the 2009 World Women Rights Parade) and Afronuts (an Apple iPhone, digital camera and iPod).
Other gifts will include those from Woomie (Eko Dialogue and a month's supply of tickets to Terra Kulture - which I’ll convert to cash), Buttercup (an engagement ring plus a passport/visa to do a Masters in S.A.), Charizard (brand new wardrobe & a year’s supply of Bvlgari - no suits, ties or cufflinks, please), Badderchic (a cryptic invitation to “spend time”), FBA (3 bottles of paraga with roots, 4 fat joints & a half-smoked pack of B & H), Esquire (all the correct Naija CDs of 2008, a few wack ones & a 2GB microSD memory card) and last but not least LG (2 big bags of kuli kuli, a calabash of fura de nunu & an expired hamper). If I forgot you, kindly suggest and bring your own gifts.
Dec 26th - Morning movie @ Silverbird, evening movie @ Ozone. Chauffeured by Charizard and sponsored by Rayo. Chaperoned by Buttercup & Woomie, both wearing thongs.
Noon - Poetry recitals @ Terra Kulture sponsored by Aloofar (who will only speak in monosyllables) accompanied by Laspapi (who will beg for my autograph)
Evening - Dinner @ Rayo’s served by her 2 sisters who will fight to out-do each other. All three shall laugh at each and every one of my jokes and even some non-jokes. All 3 will burst into tears when it’s time for me to leave. Soundtrack for the evening - D’Banj’s “Suddenly”.
Dec 27th - Trip to Iya Basira’s with FBA. Peppersoup and beer of all shades & sizes to grace the table. FBA will instigate a fight while LG will add all the “aproko” and “pepper”. All 3 of us will seize a chance in the chaos to flee without paying. Panting seriously afterwards, FBA will offer me Sikirat to “relass” (relax)...
Dec 28th - Orange Awards pre-event with Afronuts. Will be chauffeured around Lasgidi’s red light districts in his red Nissan during evening time snapping pixes for our respective photo-blogs. Chaperoned by his wife & Standtall so we don’t “go too far”.
Dec 29th - Will use Badderchic’s “Invitation to spend time” Xmas present to spend a whole day and a whole night with her. What we’ll “discuss” will be none of your business…
Dec 30th - A day of complete and total rest. Sleep in preparation for Watchnight tomorrow. Person body no be firewood abeg!
Dec 31st - Watchnight Service @ any Bible-believing church nearby. Praise & Worship to be led by LG & special guest invitees, Rita and 30+. Seye on the instruments. After midnight will sneak into a Moslem Service with Esquire just in case the rapture occurs at either place first.
Jan 1st - New Year Dinner @ Standtalls’ for all Bloggers. Will watch her cats suspiciously for any hanky-panky.
Jan 2nd - Another rest day to nurse the resultant constipation. Video-conferencing with the She-Hulk, Vera Ezimora. ICT equipment to be supplied by Nysteria.
Jan 3rd - Writers Anonymous with XsN and Rayo seated on either side of me. Will pretend to be bored and “fall asleep” on XsN’s “pillows”. Rayo will giggle throughout an Erotic recital by Jaguda.
Jan 4th - Departure. Escorted to MMA by all the above-mentioned bloggers crying profusely. Will shed a tear or two too as I gratefully accept a 1st Class flight ticket from Laspapi. After they leave, will explain to the pretty counter girl that there’s no airport at Osogbo, my final destination. Will sell the ticket on the black market at a discount, take Easy Transport back and pocket the change.
Jan 5th - Back to my boring life and thankless job. Will demand for owed salary & a pay rise from the Boss who’ll promise the former and reject the latter.
Evening - Will go to the XtraSlowww café to send a collective Thank You note to all those wonderful Lagosian bloggers using the Acer Aspire.
Night - Begin drawing up another itinerary for Easter hols. Abuja bloggers, watch out! Na your turn!
PS: Oya, awon Bloggers, start looking for your names and plan accordingly.
Merry Xmas and a Happy New Year!
To God Be The Glory.
PPS: I’m about to introduce a new feature on my blog called “My Life’s Soundtracks” where I feature the lyrics of songs I’m feeling like MAD for at the moment. It’s actually meant to be a future feature on Esquire’s other blog which is still under construction so I’ll have to set the ball rolling here in the meantime.
Proposed Launch Date: January 1st, 2009.