Sunday, July 20, 2008

Matilda And The Witch…

Real Life - Observation - The Gist

Today I’ve been doing just what that Xscape song recommends we should do “…kick off your shoes and relax your feet…” I want to go a bit low-key on this post and give you a tiny peek into my almost non-existent social life. For those of you who wonder what I do in my spare time, well… I have a girlfriend and I call her Matilda.

Her parents didn’t name her so but I’ve been feeling that name ever since I watched the Roald Dahl movie about a little girl who possesses magical powers much to the annoyance of her Danny DeVito-cast father. I just had to give her that name. My Matilda is jet-black and ordinary with a streak of silver in her hair and though there’s nothing spectacular about her looks, she suits me just fine.

It might sound like taboo but Matilda was my elder brother’s love at first before I took her over from him. It’s been 3 years now and I don’t mind the “inheritance” one bit. We’ve had our ups and downs and had some major issues and even though she has gone through an abortion and suffered a massive breakdown, I still love her as much as the day I first set eyes on her glowing face.

She’s fine, she’s cool, she’s smart, she’s faithful and she’s mine. She’s my Compaq Evo N610c laptop computer.

She’s kinda old-fashioned now and she can get cranky at times but I love her like crazy. One day she mysteriously aborted her lithium-ion battery thus forcing me to run her only on electricity nowadays. I guess that’s why I hate PHCN so. Sometime last year, she also crashed her hard disk making me lose years and years of hard work spanning generations including my timeless photo, literature and music collections (I used to boast then that I had more music than some radio stations - and it was true). But it will take more than that to make me lose my love.

Matilda did recover from the crash without my lost data of course, but ever since then she’s been behaving kinda eccentric. Recently, her favourite trick is to suddenly and mysteriously trip off especially when those stupid cows that pass for humans in the cyber café who can’t be bothered to look down caress her wire with their stinking hooves. But lately, she’s added a new trick. I might just be sitting down fooling with my keyboard, thinking what next I’ll write on to punish you guys with and WHAM! Matilda shocks me with 240 volts of pure unadulterated electricity! Ok, PHCN rarely supplies 240 volts so let’s just say it’s 210 volts.

Now, I do some Engineering and yes, I’ve been electrocuted several times (nothing fatal though so far or my ghost would be writing this) but Matilda’s kind is so annoying! It happens somewhere around the volume button maybe when I’m about to turn it up or down depending on if I’m feeling the music or not. As if she’s trying to tell me, “Hey! You aren’t giving me enough attention. Don’t touch me there like that!”

Sigh… The scientific mind I claim to possess some of the time tells me maybe a strand of wire has been broken in her AC/DC adapter and that’s what makes her trip so whenever anyone comes close. Common sense says that maybe there’s a fault with the house wiring that makes voltage pass through the earth terminal to shock me when I touch the metallic volume buttons. I can’t really say for sure.

It might be the mystic in me but I think Matilda’s been bewitched! I think I even know who the witch is.

Psst! Come closer…Don’t say I told you but I think the witch is my…WHAM!...OUCH! There, Matilda has shocked me again.

Maybe I’ll gist you about the witch next post… or the one after that...


Woomie O! said...

SWIT, here's what's what: dump Matilda! I know i sound cold BUT! she's going to put you in trouble soon enough man.
Be on the lookout for another girlfriend, and this time around, make sure she's all yours from the start and she has all you'll ever need (for let's say another six months)...

This is the idea behind these girlfriends; you don't use them for too long, six month's okay, then you back up your files, trade the girlfriend for a newer (or better) one, talk about being a real player. That's the only way they're guaranteed to stay true to you...the thing to note is 'do not fall in love!!!!' or maybe, brace yourself to fall out of love easily.

Now that you know; start 'hustling' (as u guys put it) to get a new chic.

Just dump Matilda ASAP!!!

Naughty Eyes said...

@ Woomie: Mennn! That was cold... but so so true. Looks like I have to step up my game. And get ma hustle on...