My Neighbour, The Witch

Real Life - Observation - The Gist

So last time I told you about Matilda, abi? Well… now you know who the witch is. Yeah, I know some of you were thinking I was going to say it was my sister, my sister-in-law or even an ex-girlfriend (God bless all these darlings). No… my neighbour is the witch and I can prove it.

Ok, first of all she’s not really my neighbour. It’s even worse! She’s my housemate! How a guy came about sharing a flat with a sorceress is a long story but I’ll try to summarize. She used to be housemate and friend to my sister until I moved in with said sister. Sis got another job and a new place and moved out leaving me there with the witch.

Some might say I’m sounding harsh in my judgments most especially as I haven’t seen her fly at night or attend a coven but just because I haven’t doesn’t mean that she can’t do it. I have it on good authority that she has visited a spiritualist once. And come to think of it, she feels I’m the devil too so I guess we’re even.

Now let’s study the points one by one. Take her music. She’s supposed to be born-again and stuff so she’s heavily into Gospel music - unlike me. She thinks I’m possessed by an unclean spirit because I rarely play anything spiritual but I know she just sings religious songs because their lyrics are much easier to remember. To make matters worse, she always criticizes any secular hit song only for you to catch her singing the same tune weeks later. Right now she’s feeling “Ijoba Orun” which she puts on continuous replay ALL DAY LONG. Was almost tempted to ask her if her (borrowed) copy of Lara George’s CD has only THAT track.

Me, I appreciate religious music but forcing it into the ears of all my neighbours for a radius of 2 blocks isn’t exactly my idea of Salvation and Evangelism. Why not leave the loud music for when Don Moen or Reinhard Bonke come into town? And when PHCN mercifully cuts the power, her bass voice takes up where the speakers left out as she belts out all the Integrity Music classics in English and her local tongue.

Then take her Religion. She’s supposed to be a born and bred, dyed-in-the-wool Anglican, right? Good. Now explain to me how come she jumps from one church to the other attending their programmes, vigils and stuff during the week and yet refuses to go to Church on Sundays! It sure beats the hell out of me. Why refuse to worship Him on this one special day? Is she afraid of the church building, the Pastor or the congregation?

Next is her attitude. She always goes on and on about me and my being a guy-thing being responsible for me not taking care of the house properly. Hello? Last time I checked, she was every bit as untidy as I am. Only difference is she knows how to put up an appearance when she’s expecting visitors. She expects me to clean up the bathroom (which I do occasionally - without announcements) and yet she has this annoying habit of brushing her teeth on the bathroom floor and shooting huge balls of phlegm all over the place (Yuck!) Now, I know I’m not really tidying up as well as I should but the dishes can wait till I return from work, can’t they?

Speaking of work, she’s so so intent on getting me sacked. There is no other explanation for why she times when I wake up and then rushes into the bathroom to stay for an hour! I mean, what is she doing there? She goes quiet for almost 30 minutes and then (in my opinion) just splashes water around for the remainder. To thwart the ploy, I took to waking 30 minutes earlier that my normal time (so as to capture the bathroom first) only for her to start waking up 35 minutes earlier! The same goes for the kitchen.

I bet by now someone’s wondering how a red-blooded male like me can manage sharing facilities with a female and avoid the problems of temptation. Maybe if she were drop-dead gorgeous or something, I’d have been giving her a better tag than the one I repeatedly use. Now I’m not a Romeo either but I am lucky I’m smart. Similarly, I prefer a female who has her grey matter in excess. As for her, her plainness of face and ill-proportioned figure would only make her appealing to a distinct class of men who prefer a certain part of the female anatomy to be in excess.

And to make matters worse, these men are not in short supply as they make their rounds, stupid men who leave their wives/mistresses/girlfriends to come and take a break in her arms, eat her food, sleep over and leave. Then I get to be her shoulder to cry on as she laments that she hasn’t yet found a husband and then she starts preparing to attend yet another vigil. Newsflash! Nobody needs a Prophet to foretell that no sensible man is going to marry a woman who gives them free recreational love.

Another thing I seriously dislike is a female who multiple-dates. I just can’t reconcile the idea of a person like her recklessly going a-sinning, confident in the fact that God is always there to forgive and take her back. I’m no saint, I don’t like throwing stones but I’m thinking she needs a well-aimed pebble to bring her back to her senses.

Despite all these, the witch has her uses though. If for nothing else, she keeps me supplied with rented Nollywood movies - trash and treasures alike - which I can never somehow bring myself to rent, not to talk of buying. And besides, even though my game is way too weak I can be sure that there will be someone I can always dazzle with my personality.

After all, she has none…

TO BE CONTINUED…