B & P 9: Paparazzi vs. Glitterati, Onyeka Onwenu and Tantalize-hers

Between Niyi, Linda, Dele & Omowunmi

When the paparazzi fight the glitterati, you can be sure that what gets thrown around won’t be confetti. Blogville is becoming an extremely fascinating neighbourhood just like our own backyards and sometimes it’s very interesting to look out of our kitchen windows to see which neighbours are fighting.

Where am I headed this time? Well, those of you who visit Niyi Tabiti’s blog (GREAT blog by the way) and Linda Ikeji’s (GREAT chick by the way) would have noticed the quick war of words that went on last week. They’ve both resolved the issue now and I know its stale gist but no-one ever tires of hearing the story of a big fight, abi?

For those of you who don’t know, trouble started when Niyi granted an interview to a young dude during The Future Awards event who claimed he and Omowunmi Akinnifesi (everybody sabi her now? Na she dey picture) were getting married soon. Omowunmi (the real Omo-sexy in my opinion) when asked by Mr. Paparazzi, didn’t say anything to support or refute the claim so chikena! He went ahead to publish his story. And that’s when the dam bust!

Enter Linda, who then jumps into the fight with a post in which (in Niyi’s opinion) she lampoons the entire Nigerian entertainment media. Niyi, quick to the trigger, returned the service with a full backhand in a reply post which chronicled one of his experiences as Linda’s publicist and how several celebrities have denied relationships that turned into… ahem… deeper relationships and marriages. (He also gave us an insight into where Linda’s flat is located and what she does there! LOL!!!)

Anyway, all the parties have now settled, we now know Dele Fasan was an engagement-impostor and Omowunmi is still single (YIPEEE!!!!).

Personally, I feel there is a teeny-weeny little bit more to this story oh! My smallest toe (my gossip alarm) is tingling seriously! Then, I also want to know where that Dele Fasan of a guy is hiding now. Some people might be targeting the guy for some serious brushing but personally I think we all need to buy him a round of beer. After all it’s not easy to become an instant celebrity in Nigeria just like that. We too plenty…

If I was him, no shaking me for do the same thing. From now on, I am going to start targeting celebrities to marry on the Red Carpet like no man business. Oya! Onyeka Onwenu, Eucharia Anunobi, Empress Njamah and (my personal, full-breasted favourite) Mercy Johnson, where una dey?

Speaking of Onyeka Onwenu…

I saw her anchoring Zain’s latest Talent Reality TV show, “Don’t Forget The Lyrics!” (yes, yet another one…Sigh…). For those of you who never watched Black & White television back in the days, Onyeka Onwenu (who’s also referred to as “The Elegant Stallion” - before anyone accuses me of having a dirty mind, I didn’t coin that!) is a songstress-extraordinaire whose hit love-song “You and I” was probably the reason some of you were born in the first place. Not too long ago she decided to hitch her train with Nollywood, appearing in flicks and now she’s a TV host.

The babe-woman was totally smashing in the skinny jeans and blouse she wore during the Ibadan screening of the talent show that set off her pear-shaped figure so well even my sister complimented her (ladies, beware my sister’s tongue). Surprising because Ms. O’s old enough to be something close to my mother’s younger sister’s age (but abeg, since when did it become a crime to admire better thing/person?) I wonder where that fashion article I read somewhere got the idea that skinny jeans is a no-no for senior babes because it made them look like O.B.Y. (Old But Young)?

On the flip side, Zain’s “Don’t Forget The Lyrics!” is a reality show that doesn’t necessarily judge the voice of the contestants (for a change) but how well they can remember the lyrics of popular tracks in the music category of their choice (see more details below).

Gongo Aso @ The Ibadan Screening

What was the most popular track chosen for contestants at the Ibadan screening? Yep! You guessed right… It was 9ice’s Gongo Aso. The performances were entertaining but I wondered why the choice of that very popular song for the contestants. Is there any Yoruba guy out there that honestly doesn’t know the lyrics to that song? Come to think of it, even Ibo guys know it as well (as for Aboki them, me I no know o!)

It was 9ice (pun intended) seeing the lyrics of the song scroll on the screen though especially one very tricky part I’ve been wounding lyrically for some time now. How could I have guessed that what he was actually singing was “Moet nlo, Hennessey nlo, Bacardi nlo, ohhhhh!!!?” Zain, thank you jare! While we’re at it, can I have the lyrics to “4Kasibe” too? Too hard? OK, what of Femi Kuti’s “Bang, Bang Bang”? Or Zulezoo’s “Kerewa”?

Ehen, back to the gist. My best performance? It was by one guy like that (I always forget guys’ names) who combined 9ice’s lyrics with Klint Da Drunk’s dance steps to produce a new style. Even Onyeka had to dub him “Klint Da 9ice”!

And ahem… ahem… Naija gals are very, very fine o! I mean, check out the fine Ibo babe with the dyed hair and killer glasses whose name is the title of an oldtime highlife track (Osondiowendi). The Asa-wannabe who said she performs at the Premier Hotel, Ibadan told everyone Asa was her role model and yet managed to fluff the second verse of “Jailer”. Or is the chick that did a duet with Onyeka? Abeg, if anybody knows Busola who is a student in Ibadan and who appeared on the Zain show, please tell her I’ll pay 50K sharp-sharp just to get her number. Her face, her voice, her smile, her white blouse with green patterns, her formings sef, all na die! That girl drove me NUTS, men!!!

Interestingly, a third girl, Tega said she studies Wildlife in Ibadan (GROWLLLLLL!!!) And by the way, can someone explain to me how come I can remember all the girl’s names?

And 14th February passes…

Finally! The dreaded day of love has gone by leaving a few earthquakes behind. (Hint: Afrobabe went from “It’s complicated” to being “Single”. Don’t ask me how or why but the news made me a bit happy sha!).

Interestingly, the day was celebrated in Osogbo, the Osun state capital, a little bit differently this year. The difference? Well a new outlet of the Tantalizers Fast Food franchise opened in Osogbo some time shortly before Lovers’ Day. Smart idea on the part of the restaurateurs - at least they launched just in time to catch the love-is-in-the-air market.

Apart from a few other smaller outlets, Tantalizers’ launch brings to two the number of places you can take your sugar-mummies and sugar-daddies to (did I neglect the kids? Sorry…). Mr. Biggs, which has been operating alone for quite a while now, was the first.

Now before those reading this think I have shares in both outlets or that this is a paid advert, no you’re wrong on both counts (I actually don’t like fast-food by the way, I think it’s way too over-priced).

I only mention it in passing because the word “Tantalizers” has now been added to the Osogbo people’s Lexicon of Forming. Heard one girl ask another one as she got on a bike where she was going to when that day of all days was Valentine’s Day.

The responder didn’t hesitate to tell her questioner (loud enough so we all could hear) that she was going to check out the latest fast-food joint.

She called it “Vulcanizers”!!!

Remain posted…

Peace!

Photo Credits: Omowunmi Akinnifesi/Niyi Tabiti (Niyi Tabiti’s blog)

Two Birthdays, A Wedding & A Soundtrack

Love is truly in the air, at least for two very wonderful people. Somewhere in Rumu-Okoro, Port Harcourt, my main homeboy, W.O. is about now exchanging wedding vows with his heartthrob, R. as they finally become man and wife on the 14th February, 2009. Sorry guys! I really wish I could be there but since c’est ne pas possible so I’m dedicating My Life’s Soundtrack below to you two. Happy Married Life!
Also, Special, Special shout outs to two bloggers who turn plus one today! The first is a beautiful banker who writes her opinions about life, sex, relationships and how to dredd your hair. The second is a lanky guy who posted a coupla risqué pictures on his blog recently, who is a real Master of dry wit and monosyllabic comments and whose profile borrows from a Jonathan Swift character.
Best Birthday Wishes to two of Blogville’s finest: Spicytee of Spicy Café (Go shorty! It’s your Birthday!) and AlooFar of Aloof and Far. I did want to do a proper tribute for both of them but I hope you guys will bear with me. Kindly take the track below, focus on the first two lines of Verse 2, delete anything inappropriate and insert ““Birthday” wherever you see “Valentine’s Day”…

Track: Valentine’s Day (from the Album “Originality”)
Artiste: Faze
Transcribed by: Naughty Eyes

[Intro]
Faze, Spankie…

[Verse 1]
The time has come to show the one that you care for
That you’re going nowhere and no love can compare
To the one that you both share
Take her hand, tell her the way you feel
Take his hand, promise you’ll never leave
It’s your special lovely Val-ey day

[Chorus]
Val-ey Day!
It’s Valentine’s Day, oh yeah
Valentine’s Day!
It’s Valentine’s Day, oh yeah!
V - You’re venerable to me
A - My angel girl can’t you see
L - You’re lovely, you’re all I need
E - My Empress, girl you’re complete
N -You’re natural and beautiful
T - You’re tender girl, you’re so simple
I - You’re innocent
N - My Number 1
E - My everything…

[Verse 2]
Today is a day to remember, it feels like a holiday
It comes once in a year, take your time ‘cos it’s rare
Show the one that you care for that you’ll always be there
Take her hand, show her the way you feel
Take his hand, promise you’ll never leave
It’s your special lovely Val-ey day

Repeat Chorus

[Bridge]
So tender baby, you are my lover
Ladies, ladies!
All I need, you’re complete
Oh!
So tender baby, you are my lover
Take her hand, tell her the way you feel
Take his hand, promise you’ll never leave him
It’s your lovely day, your Val-ey day

Repeat Chorus

It’s your lovely day, a day to remember

Lyrics © 2008 Faze & Independent Entertainment

PS: This geek is still trying to figure out how to embed the song into the post. So NOT funny…

I Am Indeed Grateful…

…to everyone who took out time to express concerns over my last post. The reactions via comments, e-mail, FB and good old SMS have been really touching. Now I am certain there is indeed love in Blogville (of the platonic, erotic, agape and fantasy kinds, of course).

There’s also a group I’m grateful to. They are called the nay-sayers. If for nothing, their views have spurred me on to keep searching for a much better job. It would indeed give me immeasurable joy just to look for an opportunity to tell them “I told you so”. (Special shout-out to my neighbour who came to tell me he wants to apply for the job I just quit. Thanks for the insensitivity).

They have also taught me a lesson: Sometimes bad news is best shared with only those who will most obviously eventually get to know of the drama or those who bother to ask. Honestly, I could have done without some opinions.

Yeah, I know, I know… I haven’t updated any of my “plenty” blogs in quite a while and as you can guess, this isn’t a proper post, just an on-the-spur-of-the-moment thing. I am still operating in zombie-mode at present but I’ll soon be back to becoming my normal annoying self, digging through your archives, putting up serious/scatter-brained posts and leaving witty comments on all your blogs and FB walls.

Now this: I didn’t intend to indulge in name-dropping at first but I’ve decided to show my gratitude to a few special bloggers this way:

Afrobabe, thanks for commenting on my “plenty” blogs. Reading your comments, now I am so glad I chose you for wife (What?!! You didn’t know?)

Bumight, remember that part of our vow where it says “For better, for worse”? I was actually considering taking over FBA’s job you know, but the sheer number of applicants scared me quite a bit because my CV might get lost in the multitude. But who knows, maybe if there’s an opening in the Park for an eye-glass-wearing tout, I too can tender my own “garage money”! LOL!

DB, (man are you always online?) you dropped your comments even before I finished editing the post! Thanks for the love and support, bro. And your e-mail…

SSD, you correct jo! Lawyer, babe, wife, activist, patriot, agony aunt, oyibo, Nigerian… I don’t even know what to call you sef. Doug wasn’t kidding when he called you A-W-E-S-O-M-E! Thanks oh! If not for your “ogogoro” suggestion, I don’t think I’d have had the “liver” to go ahead (LOL). Now I know why TE, TK, Bomboy and Mr. SSD love you so much (they personally told me) *wink, wink*

LG bey-bey! No vex! I been dey plan BIG for you this Valentine but devil don spoil plans for my pocket. Anyway, you fit come around make we manage soak garri and tapioca that day. We fit even go Chinedu house go watch Naija movie sef, after all him get Tiger generator. Thanks babe *chops LG’s knuckle*

~ Sirius ~ hmmm… Seriously, looks like you’ve been tracking Afrobabe all over my blogs o! Anyway, thanks sis! I know I haven’t been blog-visiting and commenting like I ought to but I will change soon, promise. (By the way, did I ever tell you I like the profile pix?)

And for all those wonderful, wonderful people I neglected to mention please, vex-eth not. I decided to save the best for last. Here it is:

THANKS!!!!!!!!

I hope to be back to regular scheduled programming by next week.

Peace!

The Quitter

Hello peeps! Yes, I did promise not to post personal stuff here but I just had to do this seeing it’s my most favourite blog and all that.
I’m still suffering from self-induced shell shock after a sudden Life-defining decision I took recently and for now I can’t really see what lies ahead. Anyhow, someday in the near future when I eventually figure it out I’ll tell you here or on my Office blog why I did this…

My Address,
2nd February, 2009

The Managing Director,
S.L.A.V.E. Inc,
The Company Address,

Sir,

RESIGNATION OF APPOINTMENT

Due to several personal reasons, I regrettably wish to resign from my position in this company with effect from today. This letter serves to give you the required 2 weeks’ notice. [1]

It was an eventful experience working under you but these circumstances will necessitate my relocation, hence this decision.

Thank you.

JonXavier I. A.

So there! I’ve done it. It’s official.

And so with no savings, no prospective job offers and my future plans teetering on Jeopardy Mountain, I’ve finally done what I’ve been threatening to do for months and thrown in the towel. Interestingly, since then I’ve been getting mixed reactions since I called/SMS-ed my friends and siblings to give them the gist. Here’s a sample:

Woomie asked me if it was “faith or foolishness” (I still think it was half a dozen of one and 6 parts of the other).
Rayo was stunned (or so I think?).
My sis says it’s the most courageous thing I’ve ever done.
Esquire said… (what did he say actually? I think he just repeated my statement).
My ex-fling asked why I did such a stupid thing when I no other job offers.
My best friend (female), T Banky said nothing (and I thought she’d be the first to call me back and cry with me. Hmmm…)
Three other “best friends” of mine have said nothing too.
My elder bro said I shoulda consulted with him first (surprising because he’s been pestering me to sod the job since Day Half)
One other friend said it’s part of God’s bigger plans for me (Amen!)
Haven’t told my younger bro yet (as a result of my bruised ego, really)
My mum’s yet to check her e-mail as of when I wrote this… (methinks she’ll do a Thanksgiving when she does read it)
Haven’t told any of my Blogville wives too (for fear of receiving multiple e-divorces)
And I just told the rest of you…

Reactions, anyone?

In the midst of all these, Wo’s question still haunts me though.

Was this really faith? Or foolishness?

[1] Section 1 of the Employment Agreement dictates that “one month’s notice is required by either party for normal termination of employment after the probation period. Two weeks shall be required during probation.”

I finished Probation 3 months ago but my full employment had never been confirmed so technically, I was still under Probation. The Boss disagreed with my thinking though so we’re still trying to reach a compromise on that thorny issue. He says he’ll pay me to stay the whole month but I find it hard to believe until I see the paper or see it on paper!

The Reviewer's Back!!!

Ok, so the Reviewer’s back, huh? Just last month I did the unthinkable. Watching a Naija movie? Tough… Watching a Yoruba movie? Never… Watching TWO Yoruba movies back to back? Unthinkable!!! But I did and here’s the scope on one of them…

Aiye Aramide
Or at least that’s what I think the spelling of the title is. Quick Tip: If you like yourself, kindly apply the Fast Forward button generously to get past the useless ads repeated on each of the 3 CDs (yes, THREE!). Anyway, this movie features the likes of Nollywood heavyweights Bimbo Akintola, Femi Branch and (surprisingly, to me at least) Keppy Ekpeyong in a film that’s mainly lack-luster for most of its parts. I couldn’t determine exactly when this movie was released but from its looks I’m willing to bet it was shot within the past 3 years or so.

The movie revolves around a young lady Aramide, as played by Bimbo Akintola, who in the opening scenes wanders around Lagos looking for a place to sleep at night. Stereotypically, she chooses a place notorious with “Area Boys” and luckily gets “rescued” just in the nick of time by the Agberos’ prima donna who then (predictably still) introduces her to a group of prostitutes led by a “Big Girl” in every sense of the word.

From there the film goes down the time-worn spiral of the “standard” prostitution-movie with a series of dance sequences which are long and mostly unnecessary in which we see the state of Aramide’s progress as her colleagues groom her to blend into her new role as a whore-in-the-making. To signal her “graduation”, she then struts her stuff on a street corner where Keppy’s suave banker-type character picks her up. However, foreplay turns into rough play as Mr. Suave’s true nature surfaces in his sexual metamorphosis.

Keppy’s rendition of a sadistic psycho ironically had me laughing at first then became irritating with his continuous make-believe sexual groans as he caresses himself with Bimbo’s wig while dragging her all around the place by the roots of her short hair. If anything, the Big Man / Big Woman love scene just went to show us that Keppy can lift Bimbo from the ground effortlessly which he does time and time again anyway as if to convince us.

After unconvincingly “dragging” her down the stairs (with her co-operation of course), Aramide falls into a sepia-coloured coma in which we see a flash-back into the circumstances that led to her fleeing the village after being raped by her younger brother’s friends. The use of flash-back employed here instead of putting some delightful twists in the plot actually ties up the whole plot into a hopeless bundle chronologically and does raise some nagging questions. It would have made no difference actually if the scriptwriter had just started the story from the village and then shown how the consequences of rape had led to her migration and her subsequent choice of a wayward life in the city. Chikena!

Also, if the flash-back is supposed to be from Aramide’s point of view, how come we can see what goes on in all the scenes even when Aramide isn’t present like when her brother’s friends boast to him of what they have done? In yet another plot hole, what was the relevance of all the kidnapping drama when the guys use a car to abduct her given that she usually walks past them on foot anyway?

Another very BIG question mark in this movie is the part where her brother realizes that his sister was the rape victim when he sees his cronies with her bra. Why a bra for goodness sake instead of any other much visible article of her clothing, all of which they took off anyway? We guys might like our womenfolk, but I doubt if any guy out there can claim to tell his sister’s bras apart from any other! Was her brother then more familiar with his sister’s bras than was comfortably necessary? Sick!

Aramide later wakes up from her coma after yet another lucky fall - figuratively this time - into the hands of Femi Branch’s character who rehabilitates her more in the line of the biblical Good Samaritan. After moving in with him, she once suffers a relapse and resurrects her abandoned cocaine habit resulting in Femi almost kicking her out though he eventually forgives her and they live happily ever after. Or so we might be forced to conclude because the movie has no resolution of the plot or conclusion whatsoever, the same gimmick usually employed by the Production crews and “marketers” so that we shall eagerly await “Aiye Aramide Part 2”.

Its disappointments aside, this movie still ought to be termed a landmark Nollywood movie. One, it has absolutely no bit of the so-called Nollywood brand of suspense whatsoever (unless you term the rape, sadism and Femi’s discovery of her drug habit as such). Two, the story-telling is totally weak, a fact which the Director must have been striving in vain to distract us from by putting his entire creative abilities into the dance scenes. If you happen to belong to the young male demographic those scenes may appeal to you but for me they were just a waste of time especially when the Big Girl performs her own dances. What was the use?

Finally, the movie wasn’t captioned in any language at all even if mistakenly in its local Yoruba or even Pidgin English. The omission was totally unpardonable especially nowadays when marketers encourage movie circulations to areas where the particular dialect used isn’t the lingua franca. Come to think of it, even the Methuselah of Nollywood, a flick called “Living In Bondage” had subtitles! With this sort of oversight alongside the very puny production values in this film, it won’t be surprising that maybe they had no money to print subtitles during Post-production.

If you decide to rent this movie, don’t be deceived by the big names dropped on the cover. It won’t be worth your while.

And like I always say: Life is too short…
Photo Credit: www.onlinenigeria.com/photos/albums/userpics/10013/bimbo~0.jpg

PS: The second Yoruba movie was Funke Akindele’s word-of-mouth-notoriously-funny comedy Jenifa (Party 1 & 2) [sic]. Famous blogger and TV Presenter Funmi Iyanda’s marvelous review of Jenifa in this post addresses some very relevant Nollywood issues and says all there is to say and more about the movie really…

Big ups, Funmi!

UPDATE: It seems FIY wasn't the only one to do a review of Jenifa. Ran into Laspapi's version here. Both are classic so I'd recommend you read them and choose which appeals to your cinematic eye.

Funke's pix courtesy of Funmi's blog