Bits And Pieces 4: We Apologise For The Break In Transmission. My TV Has Gone POOF!

There! I claim the award for the longest title for any post on Blogville this week. OK, where’s my Oscar? Or is it my Blog-scar? Thank you very much, thank you!

That aside, I am feeling very peeved at the moment. Very, very, very, very peeved! And my current state of mind is going to be reflected in my post this week as I’m beefing on everything. Well, almost…

My TV Has Gone POOF!
Last weekend wasn’t nice for me at all. Matter of fact, it was mostly nasty. Got back from a business trip to Bida, Niger State (where everything seems so slowww) after working my butt of from Monday to Saturday, put on my TV first thing as I step into the house and POOF it goes up in smoke!

Turns out a high tension cable cut somewhere on the street causing 330 volts of electricity (I actually measured it) to surge through the house. Most surprising was the speed with which the PHCN guys appeared on the scene to correct the fault after (note the emphasis) my TV had blown.

The long and short of the gist is that I get to miss the ongoing Maltina Dance All reality show till I get the idiot box fixed so I can’t post about that for now. Sorry guys!

From The Dailies
One of the interesting offshoots of the Niger trip was that I got to read the newspapers, a pleasure I haven’t had in ages. It’s a shame really considering I used to devour the stuff ravenously in former times even reading past issues all the way back to the 60’s just to find what exactly was good about the good old days (there isn’t much of a difference from modern times really, just that the economy was far better).

There wasn’t much gist that interested me in the papers sha, just a few conspiracy theories about Yardie’s disappearance, updates on Big Brother Africa 3, a top-class article written by John Ebri titled “Stealing as Patriotism” and then the gossip about the Northern cleric called Ma’asaba with 86 wives (yes, eighty-six!)

And to think some guys can’t even get one! That man definitely has tons of game or the women must have been very shallow-minded because it makes you wonder what sort of magic pull he held over them. Guy sure must have been hung like a horse - no, make that a dinosaur - to keep all them women satisfied.

Last I heard a fatwa had been placed on his head unless he does as he had been told and divorces all but four of them or leave Nupeland for good. Unconfirmed sources say the Estu Nupe was getting so worried over the growing cases of female scarcity that he decided to break the monopoly once and for all …

Promos And Bank Woes…
First Bank has the Big Splash, Bank PHB says You Go Win, and UBA is offering the Savings Grand Slam. ‘Tis the season of bank promos again as they all strive to charm our hard-earned cash out of our pockets and into their air-conditioned vaults. Nice try, but if one wanted to write a book about bank woes it would be an encyclopedia.

My UBA account has been frozen for Lord knows how long just because I’ve been running it as a Corper’s Account for more than one year. Oddly enough I’d been trying to change it since I completed the service year but the pretty cashier always smiles at me each time I make a withdrawal and says no problem. Now I get to suffer the consequences of their inability to update their records.

Went to report at one of their branches at Abule-Egba but the idiot I met there kept insisting I produce an international passport, driver’s license or National ID card (I have neither) and current PHCN bill to prove my identity and place of residence. Beast-of-No-Nation that I am and the fact that I use a pre-paid meter in my house (which means I get no PHCN bills) made no difference to him as my explanations fell on deaf ears. Oddly enough, I wasn’t asked for any of these when I opened the account in the first place. Then, they were the ones begging me!

At least the guy I later met in their Osogbo branch was much nicer telling me my employee ID card and that PHCN bill (still!) were good enough. It’s just plain idiocy as far as I’m concerned but I’ll just have to comply. Does anyone out there have a PHCN bill to lend me, please?

Attracting Fakeness
Either everything in Nigeria is turning out to be fake or I’m turning out to be a fakeness magnet. Can’t for the life of me understand why everything I buy nowadays barely lasts as long as it should, is cunningly mislabeled or turns out to be a total fake.

First case in point: I recently decided to upgrade the limited capacity of my 64MB microSD memory card for my phone to 256 MB since I’m getting tired of the old one. A visit to the nearby Chinese-phone seller and 900 bucks later and I emerge the proud owner of the said card. I go home, pop it into my phone, format the card, plug the phone to my PC and start uploading my music like crazy. Just 8 songs later and a window pops up to say the card is full! WHAT?

I check the card to be sure 256 MB is written on the body, and then thinking my PC is in one of its moods swings, I check the card properties only for it to read 24 MB! It’s so ridiculous! I didn’t even know SD cards could come with such small capacity. Needless to say, I returned the card sharpish and got a replacement and the guy was even good enough to load a few songs and videos on it as if to compensate me for the trickery. Interestingly, he carefully returned the fake one back to the packet just waiting for the next gullible customer to come along.

Then there’s the case of the fake (or rather) stale wheat loaf I bought for my boss from a supermarket in the Alekuwodo area of Osogbo. But that’s gist for another day…

The Lennox Lewis Of Music
The weekend wasn’t all sorrow, tears and blood though. At least I got to listen to the Leona Lewis “Spirit” CD. The album’s such a knockout I’m beginning to call her the “Lennox Lewis of Music” for the moment. I’m really digging that CD most especially as it’s a refreshing distraction from all the Hip-Hop based tracks one gets to hear nowadays.

My faves include the tracks “Bleeding Love”, “Better In Time”, “Yesterday”, “Take A Bow”, “Best You Never Had” and a couple of enduring classics like my perennial favourite, “First Time Ever I Saw Your Face”. Ironically, most of them are love-gone-sour, heartbreak type songs.

Leona sounds like at times like a mix of Mariah Carey, Alicia Keys, Shania Twain and Kelly Clarkson all rolled into one and her powerful lyrics hit home and hard too. If you’re looking for something fresh and you love music from any of these female artistes, then go grab this album from your friendly neighbourhood music store or pirate. You most definitely won’t regret it…

And Some Real Butt-Shaking!
After the disappointment of watching the Mo’ Hits music video for “Booty Call” (there’s hardly any booty in it by the way), I’ve learnt to be wary of songs that have the words: twist, wind, roll, shake or booty in their titles or lyrics. Then I also caught a video by a Naija dude called “Big Mouth” titled “Wyne Your Body” thanks to the Chinese-phone seller who downloaded it on my phone.

There’s nothing sensational / stunning with the songs or its lyrics and I’ve never honestly heard of Big Mouth before but the video features Naija girls for a change and wasn’t shot in the U.S., South Africa or even Kenya for that matter. Just good old Naija girls winding their entire bodies (not just their behinds) to a good old Naija-sounding song shot at a good old Naija location. Chikena!

I’m still trying to figure out the technicalities of uploading the stuff on YouTube so I can share it with you guys here but for now I’ll just keep on hitting rewind.

Now, where has that phone of mine gotten to…?