Is It Me? Or was this Chronicle really “Lost”?

TV - Reality - The Gist

When the curtains rolled by around 11pm Saturday 19th July to unveil the new season of Gulder Ultimate Search 5, many a people were glued to their seats as Nigerian Breweries PLC began yet another legend in the quest for money, a car, fame, fortune and failure for 10 youthful representatives of the Nigerian population. They were originally 10 called The Heroes of the Order that set foot on the Agwu Hills in Enugu State to recover the Lost Chronicle and exactly a week ago, the life of the last one standing, Michael Nwachukwu changed for good.

GUS is mostly about characters and the individuality of this year’s contestants was not in doubt. However it is no big secret that the physical rigours of the GUS series have been designed to screen out the weaker sex so that an Ultimate Man will always emerge just as in the past 4 editions. This year, there was a conscious effort among the females to turn this around even though one couldn’t help but wonder how their constant bickering was going to help them achieve this purpose. And of course, there’s always a quiet, brilliant contestant in this case, 24 year old graduate Abiola Olanrewaju who many thought would remain as the last girl standing.

The eviction drama in GUS 5 kicked off with one member each of different sexes been given the boot. First to take the curtain call was 22-year-old Law student, Rita Uloko whose departure was in connection to the physiological damage she suffered to her knee. It would be recalled that the issue of Rita’s knee had cropped up when she first suffered a fall during the drills which she soundly dismissed by jogging on the spot to prove her point. But the body does not lie. Another fall again on the same knee and Rita was history.

As if to dispel the underlying notion that GUS lauds only the display of brute strength over mental abilities, Brian Mokelu failed to solve his puzzle and thus forfeited not only his role as totem bearer but his chance for the big prize. In the words of host, Bob-Manuel Udoukwu, the 25-year-old UNN Geography student’s “relevance in the camp had hereby been terminated.”

Next to leave were Abiola and 25-year-old Fred Dutman for failing at the spear throwing contest but the fact that the other contestants scored points at all was nothing short of a miracle given the warped nature of the spears’ aerodynamics. Aspiring model and Rivers State indigene, Abigail Opuogulya aged 22 and smart but conceited JJ Okop were next to get the boot when their team came last as Abigail failed in yet another physical task.

The other males in this year’s edition, though not lacking in macho looks all seemed to lack the necessary grey matter needed to solve riddles apart from the seemingly haughty JJ who, true to history, would never have been the Ultimate Man. Into the mix were the fishwives Ruphina “Phina” Ohakwe (who at 27/28 years old was the oldest Hero and mother figure in the camp) and Abigail who were so intent in carving a niche in the viewers’ minds with their quarrelsomeness.

With the camp reduced to four the female cause was left to Phina and yet another quiet female, Linda Iweka, UNIABUJA Computer Science student aged 21, who never seemed too sure of herself to take charge at any time. There was a bit of melodrama when both females came last on yet another physical/mental task and everyone thought they would be evicted but this was not to be as both were thrown a lifeline. The dream for an Ultimate Woman was however further shattered when another set of physical removed first Phina and then Linda leaving Marketing graduate Frank Mohammed and 26-year-old “Big Mike” as he was fondly called to jostle for the crown. Of course, by now the outcome of GUS 5 is well known.

GUS 5 didn’t fail in its tradition as one of the (if not the most) popular reality TV shows but Despite its cult status, GUS Season 5 fell seriously short when compared to previous seasons 1 and 2 and sadly followed in the tradition of GUS 3 and 4 by failing to live up to its billings. There just wasn’t enough flash to keep the viewers’ attentions.

Take the characters for example. Maybe it was the editors’ fault but GUS 5 looked more robotic and less realistic. There was no bonding, no romance, no drama, hardly any comedy or friction between characters (apart from Phina and Abigail) and all the crucial socio-dramatic elements that go to make up a popular TV reality show. But then maybe it was the fault of the screening panel who seemed to focus mainly on contestants with materialistic tendencies instead of diverse, eccentric and radical personalities. Hardly a tear was shed when any contestant got evicted unlike in the previous editions as the remaining ones saw only each eviction as a chance for them to lay hands on the cash prize and the SUV.

The choice of host also had a few question marks. A reality TV show usually requires the services of a vibrant, versatile, convincing and witty host but disappointingly, host Bob-Manuel Udokwu has still remained the same Bob-Manuel of Season 4: The Golden Age with no improvement whatsoever. At least one can be grateful that he is far more bearable than the “Tin-Tin” host of Season 3 at NIFOR. Jungle Film Works (the TV Production company) wowed us with their cinematic prowess in previous years but like Bob-Manuel they also decided not to tinker with their magic formula this year showing exactly the same cinematic capabilities they displayed before.

The scenic Agwu Hills location of this year’s Search sadly excluded marine activities from the tasks which was a shame actually giving that the ability to swim was one of the criteria for choosing contestants. The tasks themselves while solely lacking in creativity, focused so much on the physical and less on the mental aspects thus successfully eliminating females from the Ultimate prize which, if one really thinks about the way Michael discovered it, actually had nothing to do with these much touted physical attributes. Any female doesn’t even need to go through the National Youth Service scheme to know they could overcome the obstacles en route to the prize but maybe at a slower pace.

And on a final note, there’s the issue of the Legend itself. There’s something about that Chronicle story that accompanied the Search that definitely didn’t stand up to the test of time and maybe therein lies the problem. The myths that surround every season of GUS are beginning to sound more absurd nowadays and even the tiniest tot in your house can see through the charade. The sci-fi tale of the emergence of a despot in the future who radically altered the Star Wars-like landscape and banned all forms of intellectual improvement (a la the movie “Equilibrium” and several others), leading to the Heroes of the Order sending the Lost Chronicle back in time to be discovered in Enugu was laughably ridiculous. The animated cartoon than came with the story was even more so.

In case there is a GUS 6 planned in the future (which is doubtable given that all the elements for brewing a good beer - which the Ultimate Search is about anyway - have been found) it would be great if NB Plc as well as Insight Communications as well as Jungle Filmworks put heads together to review the flaws apparent in GUS 5. The Scriptwriter, Director, art directors task builders/grips and film editors need to do more work to make the storyline more interesting the and the tasks more diversified while the narrator, host, contestants and even we the viewers need to put in more spirit in GUS.

I would have gladly helped too, but no one asked me to anyway…

PS: For more info on the past editions of the Gulder Ultimate Search such as previous winners, rewards, tasks and locations, click this link. To find out about the crew members a.k.a. the “Men” behind the Scenes click here. All referenced materials are copyright of NB Plc and related Agencies.

Thrice Beaten, Twice Shy...

Sports - Beijing 2008 - Football

“And Obinna looks up to the sky and says ‘Thank you!’ while Goodson looks down to the ground and says ‘Oh no!’ "
- Commentator’s comment as Obinna Nsofor scores second goal against the USA in the ongoing Beijing Olympics football event.

Thrice Beaten…
Ok, I deserve it. Yes, I truly deserve it. The punishment, I mean of watching the Falcons suffer yet another defeat. And yes, I agree I swore not to ever watch them play again but it wasn’t entirely my fault that I broke my resolution barely 24 hours after making it.

In case I didn’t tell you before, being an avid watcher of ALL female sports especially gymnastics, volleyball, tennis and football (in that order), I swear there’s nothing that gets my testosterone pumping better than the hiking-up of a decidedly short skirt when those Williams sisters hit a sizzling service down the courts or the sights of all those things that make them female jiggle when their fellow feminine counterparts play the round leather game (not as if our female National team has much to jiggle anyway).

Plus: a certain blogger named Rayo put some thoughts in my head when she commented that maybe she’d consider signing up for the female National team (as if I thought I’d see her filing out against the Brazilian babes just like that!) And like I’ve said before, there’s something about female sports that can never keep me away.

So I decided to punish myself once again and watch them play against their Brazilian opponents. I admit the Brazilian female team was more than half the reason I endured le tortura in the first place. Apart from the United States team, this is one team that is undoubtedly all-woman (if you get my drift).

And with enemies like the ones I saw hammer our gals 3-1, men truly, who needs friends?

Twice Shy…
Since I’ve been breaking all my resolutions of late, I decided to watch the guys play too and I must say the match against the USA gave me more fun in the last five minutes than in the entire match! No one could have put it better than the commentator when he said: “Fans in the US and Nigeria must be biting their fingers by now. The fingernails have long gone!”

Now seriously, apart from their draw with the Netherlands, the male football team, Dream Team IV has twice come close to losing their victories over Japan and the U.S.A. Though the Nigerian team did emerge victorious in both encounters, the slim margins of 1 - 0 and 2 - 1 respectively is enough cause for concern.

Now I’m nowhere near a professional sports analyst and I’m very sure someone else somewhere must have done all the analysis on his/her blog but (whisper mode on) I have serious doubts about the Dream Team winning the Quarter final match against Ivory Coast.

The match starts in a few minutes. Ok, guys. I’ve expressed doubts in you. Now it’s your turn to GO OUT THERE AND PROVE ME WRONG!

PS: Back in Lagos… And loving it!
Ok, quickly: I’m back in Lagos after leaving for a very short while and this time it’s different ‘cause I brought my PC with me! Sadly I won’t be staying long enough to attend the Summer Bloggers Reunion next week. Verily, verily I say unto thee: Every day in this city is an eye-opener and I can’t wait to write about it when I get back to my base this weekend.

Stay posted!

Twice Beaten, Once Shy

I consider myself the No. 1 lover of the Woman race. No, I'm not a womaniser (ok, maybe I am in a way) but I just love women. I actually believe they were the ones being referred to when the Bible used the phrase "fearfully and wonderfully made". I recall one chick I was trying to convince in those days. At a point, my pleas must have gotten too tiring for her that she blurted out: "I don't know what you like in me, sef! I'm skinny (true), ugly (totally untrue), I have little boobs (very true), and I'm not so smart (slightly true)."

I just smiled and said: "I like you because you are a woman..." Those were tose days sha.

It's also no big secret that I'm not so particularly in love with football. Don't blame me. Blame those junior Okochas who never chose me during football practice not even as goalkeeper! My short-sight was actually to blame but I never forgave them for killing a young man's dream just like that.

However I am a great supporter and fanatical fan of the Nigerian female football team (and all female sport teams for that matter).But I couldn't reconcile my love for them with the fact that they got trashed fair and square in the ongoing Olympic Games in Beijing. I almost burst a blood vessel chearing them on only to be solely disappointed in the end.

Anyway, I'm not going to analyse the hows or whys of how we got beaten but I felt there should have just been a little more bit of committment on their part, especially Cynthia Uwak. And Sarah Michael's efforts came just too late.

I still love women and I'm still their fan but I think I'll stop watching their matches for now.

Got to go now. A guy in this cafe is reading every single word I'm writing as I type this. This cafe, sef... (BIG HISS!!!)

WORD..?

I'm still stuck here... but alive. And I didn't go blind, Thank God! You know, I'm beginning to actually enjoy this informal blogging style but I promise to get back to the MN Mission Statement as soon as possible.

Anyway, I went to church on Sunday and guess what? The place was FULL! I mean, it wasn't a Church festivity or anything and there were actually 3 other Masses to attend during the day but the place was bursting at its seams like Jesus was coming tomorrow (He actually was, but considered poor sinner me - and gave me another day to repent!)

Back to the Church... It was St. Cyprain's Church, New Oko Oba and I must say the followership I saw there moved me. The members of the congregation seemed to cheerfully adjust to the over-crowding as we all sought seating space even in the stairwell! Me, I took my small corner and tried to flatten myself against the wall as well as I could. My heart went out to some women, men and children who stood (yes, stood) for the entire duration of the Mass. It was a far cry from my Uni days in PHC were the students would have marched out if they couldn't find ikebe space. God must have looked down on His children that day and beamed with pride.

My only grudge was my stairwell seat which seemed to be a favourite for those church members walking up and down. I got stepped on by the guys and buffeted on the head by the hips of those well-endowed Yoruba women (I didn't mind the hips especially if they belonged to a virile vixen but the Catholic Mothers' was another issue altogether - there's just no dodging that one!) Let's just say I got a headache.

Ironically, my position was exactly at eye-level with every woman's left hand and it was a fun exercise watching the different way women wear their rings. Singles, engaged, married, fashion and the bare. It's a wonder I heard anything at all in Church yesterday. It was a great experience though worshipping in a committed Church.

As I walked home, I couldn't help wondering: Why are we so religious? And not so Godly?

Hating on This Cybercafe

Hi y'all!

I was out for a while again, now I'm back again... again! Reason? I've been trapped in the Land of Eko, abandoned by my Boss who sent me here on an errand and mysteriously cut off my travel allowance midway through the whole thing. Told the guy I'm not returning to work till he pays all my allowances to the "A" so we're both sitting it out now to see who caves in first. Miss all the articles I have already saved on my HDD ready for posting but Thank God I have a bro who came to my rescue accomodation-wise. If not I might have been forced to sleep under the bridge (which one, by the way do people sleep under? Forgive me, I truly don't know)

I'm still stuck in Lasgidi without my darling PC so I can't blog as I used to hence my currently scattered form and format. Decided to try out the cybercafe close by and I'm sincerely regretting that decision. At least they are slightly better than one I went to that still uses Windows '95 (13 whole years after!) but nothing much separates the two. Worse, I hear it's the only one within the Fagba area of Agege.

Spent an entire hour just trying to log in to Blogger before realising it would never open. Switched to another PC and now I'm sitting in front of a system with a monitor that shows only the colour RED! Imagine that? I'm almost going blind typing this. Honestly, Lagos, I'm disappointed.

When folks like Laspapi and Esquire complain of Internet services, I'm always like: "Guys, don't worry. It ain't easy but let's manage till we all get our own individual browsing services." What a DREAM!

Anyways, if you don't read from me in a while, know I'm temporarily blind and jobless to boot. I'm thinking of turning professional beggar since that's the only qualification I'll soon have if I continue typing this.

So, I'm out...

Happy weekend!

PS: The pix shows the said RED monitor I had to use. To make matters worse, the cafe was in complete darkness!

Bits And Pieces 2: No More Drama

TV - Drama - Summarized

Once upon a time, there was a hit TV series called Inside-Out that featured Barbara Soki. Then there were others such as Ripples, Checkmate, Behind The Clouds, and my personal favourite, Basi & Company. All these programmes had a peculiar characteristic in common: they made you hunger for next week’s edition. Viewers of today don’t just know what they missed.

How would they know, when examples of what they get as Drama include:

Un-Super Story
Much as I RESPECT and ADMIRE Mr. Wale Adenuga and his PEFTI productions, I am SO NOT feeling the current edition of his Super Story series titled: “Omajunwa - The Child of Destiny”. The artistes are stellar and all the necessary ingredients are sprinkled into the plot but the script seems somewhat dry (for lack of a better word).

Enebeli Elebuwa’s screen renditions of an invalid are right on the money but I think he delivered his act better while he was on his feet instead of just lying down all the time whining. His cheating wife, her Manager-boyfriend’s schemes, his insolent children’s continuous disobedience, the pseudo-serious security man (who by the way fails to amuse me every time) and the sudden introduction of a previously-unknown son aren’t helping in reviving the plot either. The only other person that may just keep me watching is the woman who portrays Adesuwa, the dedicated house help.

Mr. Adenuga, can you do something… Maybe like give us another better series. PLEASE…?

And TARIMA too…
Ok, so Emeka died long ago. Point One taken. OK, his widowed wife has been pregnant all this while. OK, Point Two. So, his village people still think she’s a witch. Big deal… When is TARIMA (Tribe And Religion In Marriage) going to come to an end? The deceased/widow plot has been flogged even far worse than a dead horse that I can’t just help thinking if the script writers can’t come up with something else. Why torture us so?

Now, as if to answer my prayers, Emeka’s ghost has taken to appearing to certain people in the village scaring the bejeezus out of them while mysteriously leaving the very people responsible for his demise and the ill-treatment of his widow looking none the worse for wear. And to make matters worse they decided to freshen up the musty storyline by reviving several formerly dumped characters and giving them a new lease of life with recycled dialogue.

Sigh… There isn’t any tiny morsel of suspense in the whole thing! And pray, when will his wife EVENTUALLY give birth?

What Area Are We In?
A certain drama series which features Patrick Otoro (as Barrister) as well as a certain long-legged, cute-in-her-own-way babe called Seyi Olu-something-or-the-other (as Rali) is supposed to mirror our country Nigeria in its own little way. Throw in Ikponmwosa Gold (as Vendor) and certain other obscure idiosyncratic characters together in an extremely boring script and that’s Area Eleven for you.

Area 11 (supposedly located somewhere in the FCT) is supposed to be a microcosm of our society with its attendant issues and its possible solutions but it misses the fine points of Drama horribly.

The character I most love to hate is a certain Senator - a caricature of the members of our dear National Assembly - who by the way says exactly the same thing every time.

Just 3 TV Dramas and I am already weary. The list could go on and on. Little wonder I favour the TV reality shows nowadays. Ever wondered why so many people are shunning evening Television to embrace the DVD craze, grabbing pirated copies of foreign TV series like “Desperate Housewives”, “Lost”, “Prison Break” and “24”?

Now you know why.

My Neighbour, The Witch

Real Life - Observation - The Gist

So last time I told you about Matilda, abi? Well… now you know who the witch is. Yeah, I know some of you were thinking I was going to say it was my sister, my sister-in-law or even an ex-girlfriend (God bless all these darlings). No… my neighbour is the witch and I can prove it.

Ok, first of all she’s not really my neighbour. It’s even worse! She’s my housemate! How a guy came about sharing a flat with a sorceress is a long story but I’ll try to summarize. She used to be housemate and friend to my sister until I moved in with said sister. Sis got another job and a new place and moved out leaving me there with the witch.

Some might say I’m sounding harsh in my judgments most especially as I haven’t seen her fly at night or attend a coven but just because I haven’t doesn’t mean that she can’t do it. I have it on good authority that she has visited a spiritualist once. And come to think of it, she feels I’m the devil too so I guess we’re even.

Now let’s study the points one by one. Take her music. She’s supposed to be born-again and stuff so she’s heavily into Gospel music - unlike me. She thinks I’m possessed by an unclean spirit because I rarely play anything spiritual but I know she just sings religious songs because their lyrics are much easier to remember. To make matters worse, she always criticizes any secular hit song only for you to catch her singing the same tune weeks later. Right now she’s feeling “Ijoba Orun” which she puts on continuous replay ALL DAY LONG. Was almost tempted to ask her if her (borrowed) copy of Lara George’s CD has only THAT track.

Me, I appreciate religious music but forcing it into the ears of all my neighbours for a radius of 2 blocks isn’t exactly my idea of Salvation and Evangelism. Why not leave the loud music for when Don Moen or Reinhard Bonke come into town? And when PHCN mercifully cuts the power, her bass voice takes up where the speakers left out as she belts out all the Integrity Music classics in English and her local tongue.

Then take her Religion. She’s supposed to be a born and bred, dyed-in-the-wool Anglican, right? Good. Now explain to me how come she jumps from one church to the other attending their programmes, vigils and stuff during the week and yet refuses to go to Church on Sundays! It sure beats the hell out of me. Why refuse to worship Him on this one special day? Is she afraid of the church building, the Pastor or the congregation?

Next is her attitude. She always goes on and on about me and my being a guy-thing being responsible for me not taking care of the house properly. Hello? Last time I checked, she was every bit as untidy as I am. Only difference is she knows how to put up an appearance when she’s expecting visitors. She expects me to clean up the bathroom (which I do occasionally - without announcements) and yet she has this annoying habit of brushing her teeth on the bathroom floor and shooting huge balls of phlegm all over the place (Yuck!) Now, I know I’m not really tidying up as well as I should but the dishes can wait till I return from work, can’t they?

Speaking of work, she’s so so intent on getting me sacked. There is no other explanation for why she times when I wake up and then rushes into the bathroom to stay for an hour! I mean, what is she doing there? She goes quiet for almost 30 minutes and then (in my opinion) just splashes water around for the remainder. To thwart the ploy, I took to waking 30 minutes earlier that my normal time (so as to capture the bathroom first) only for her to start waking up 35 minutes earlier! The same goes for the kitchen.

I bet by now someone’s wondering how a red-blooded male like me can manage sharing facilities with a female and avoid the problems of temptation. Maybe if she were drop-dead gorgeous or something, I’d have been giving her a better tag than the one I repeatedly use. Now I’m not a Romeo either but I am lucky I’m smart. Similarly, I prefer a female who has her grey matter in excess. As for her, her plainness of face and ill-proportioned figure would only make her appealing to a distinct class of men who prefer a certain part of the female anatomy to be in excess.

And to make matters worse, these men are not in short supply as they make their rounds, stupid men who leave their wives/mistresses/girlfriends to come and take a break in her arms, eat her food, sleep over and leave. Then I get to be her shoulder to cry on as she laments that she hasn’t yet found a husband and then she starts preparing to attend yet another vigil. Newsflash! Nobody needs a Prophet to foretell that no sensible man is going to marry a woman who gives them free recreational love.

Another thing I seriously dislike is a female who multiple-dates. I just can’t reconcile the idea of a person like her recklessly going a-sinning, confident in the fact that God is always there to forgive and take her back. I’m no saint, I don’t like throwing stones but I’m thinking she needs a well-aimed pebble to bring her back to her senses.

Despite all these, the witch has her uses though. If for nothing else, she keeps me supplied with rented Nollywood movies - trash and treasures alike - which I can never somehow bring myself to rent, not to talk of buying. And besides, even though my game is way too weak I can be sure that there will be someone I can always dazzle with my personality.

After all, she has none…

TO BE CONTINUED…

Bits And Pieces: Quick Takes On Entertainment

All Media - The Gist - Summarized

Street-ctly Credible
Caught glimpses of 9ice’s “Street Credibility” music video on Celtel’s Central Station Special on Wednesday July 23, around 8:30 pm or so. It’s sure been a long time coming and just like his moniker, the music video is nice too. However, after the initial dose I couldn’t help not feeling a bit unimpressed. The said video contains the same HD camera-shot footage, impressive backdrops, panoramic jib camera angles and feature artistes that are now slowly and steadily become a staple in almost all Nigerian music videos.

The trend is beginning to look like you can get away with a great music video even if the song in question is trash. Whatever happened to funny, simple or just plain crazy music videos? Or the ones with storylines like Djinee’s “I No Dey Shame” or Beautiful Nubia’s OST video for Tunde Kelani’s movie? (And another thought: How come the musical videos’ cinematic innovations are yet to migrate over to Nollywood?)

9ice’s video features the likes of Ruggedman and 2shotz but what really did it for me was Tuface’s T-shirt. Am I seeing double or were the words “Enyimba FC” boldly emblazoned on it? Any eagle eyes out there please spot if this is so and report to me A.S.A.P. Wouldn’t it be great if Nigerian football clubs could get out their own clothing lines instead of all those Premier League knock-offs a.k.a. replica jerseys many Nigerian “fans” crave for?

The Advert Wars
The Bankers are at it again. When they’re not trying to impress us with their lending rates or P & L sheets, they take to slugging it out in the boardroom or the football fields. Or our TV screens for that matter.

It’s no secret that Skye Bank PLC and Bank PHB are always going neck to neck with each other when it comes to advertising but guess what: now I think it’s about time I get to choose the winner.

Ok, so both banks decided to employ good music pieces for their ads. Good point but Skye Bank’s “Yes” attitude didn’t go down well with me when they decided to mutilate the “Lion King” soundtrack. If I was Cobhams Asuquo the Maestro Extraordinaire, I’d have distanced myself from such a debacle.

I guess I speak for all die-hard Disney fans to say I cringe anytime I hear “Hakuna Matata” sounding like it was edited with a machine gun or watch the nonsensical choreography in the two TV versions of that ad. Even my baby niece won’t dance to that.

PHB’s choice of R. Kelly’s “The World’s Greatest” showcasing the extraordinary capabilities of ordinary people (the so-called P H Beings) is the clear Advert War winner. For now…

As for me, I trust neither. It will take more than good music and a beautiful ad to stop me keeping my money under the mattress.

Between Power And Passion
Once upon a time, there was a certain energy drink in powder form called Power Fist that never seemed to catch on with the market even after it adopted the Koko Master as its brand icon. Saw the marketing dames/dudes behind it on one episode of The Apprentice Africa trying to re-brand their stuff.

Passion Energy drink, another competitor in the same sector entered into the game some months back and these guys are choosing to fight dirty even if the weapon employed involves some subtle name-calling. Pray, is there a better explanation for the Passion drink’s slogan which categorically states: Passion Pass Power!

If anyone has another interpretation of this, please let me know.

Sh*t Mennn!
No, I’m not the one swearing but a certain Radio OAP (On-Air Personality) was actually doing so! Happened to catch a certain Radio phone-in programme on LivingSpring 104.5 FM, Osogbo on Wednesday, the 9th of July or thereabouts. Time was going on 11 pm and the topic was on women who double-date.

Now, I don’t know the rationale behind the choice of topic but the contributors seemed to be feeling the gist. Then a certain female caller comes on air. Girlfriend wisely states that “…women date more than one guy because they want to have a spare in case one of them f**ks up”.

Being used to the Rhythm 93.7 Port Harcourt OAPs’ choice of punishment for using expletives which could take one of two forms: either getting the caller to apologize for using the f-word or cutting off the call altogether, I was a little bit uneasy when LivingSpring’s OAP goes ahead to parrot the caller, f-word for f-word.

Now I ain’t no prude but I sure was startled when the call drops while female caller was stating her point and homeboy yells out: “Sh*t Mennn! What is wrong with this network?”

No bad feelings, brother. I feel your pain too! Let’s just keep it clean on-air, OK?

Still Speaking of Ads…
After dissing them on the subject, the Onga Ad disappeared for a while and I thought they were listening. Who-sai? The ad is back in full force, further incurring my wrath and continuously embarrassing my poor dear Kate all the time. Unlike many people, I happen to really watch adverts - almost with movie-like dedication I must add.

Her excessively made-up “daughter” in that ad who brandishes an equally heavily made-up accent by the way, looks like she should be almost Kate’s age (hence the make-up) and I don’t still get the Onga/Tradition link.

Can anybody explain that ad to me as well? Maybe I’m getting slow… or maybe Iya Basira has been putting too much Onga in my food again…

Ko Won Je
That’s the title of another video I caught on CCS. This one is by Big Bamo featuring Tolu, all formerly of Maintain fame. The beat was good, I liked the changing tempos and switched beats and those killer dancers (they look like kids to me - I’m seeing double again) sure know how to step.

My only beef? The set did look a tad monotonous throughout the video. And as for the rap? Guess I didn’t notice till now how Olu and Tolu sound so alike.

And GUSsy Comes Visiting…
Lest I forget, my TV friend came visiting at night on the 19th of July. That’s right, the Gulder Ultimate Search began in earnest just as I’d hinted you earlier and this time there was no postponement in broadcast like after the unfortunate circumstances of last year.

In fact if death would have been mentioned in the same breath as GUSsy, it must have been when I was swearing at the maloo NTA Program Scheduler. Whoever it was decided to start showing Charley Boy and Tunde Obey’s “Zoomtime” in the time slot that had been hyped all day for the Ultimate Search. Luckily for them, me and the TV I almost smashed, they switched back just in time for me to see re-runs of the previous editions of GUS.

OK, the re-runs are long over, the selected 40 have been drilled at the Lagos Sea School and the preliminary 18 whittled down to the final 10 Ultimate Men and Women. So, grab your remotes, refuel your generators, and get ready to be entertained for the next 11 days or so.

Matilda And The Witch…

Real Life - Observation - The Gist

Today I’ve been doing just what that Xscape song recommends we should do “…kick off your shoes and relax your feet…” I want to go a bit low-key on this post and give you a tiny peek into my almost non-existent social life. For those of you who wonder what I do in my spare time, well… I have a girlfriend and I call her Matilda.

Her parents didn’t name her so but I’ve been feeling that name ever since I watched the Roald Dahl movie about a little girl who possesses magical powers much to the annoyance of her Danny DeVito-cast father. I just had to give her that name. My Matilda is jet-black and ordinary with a streak of silver in her hair and though there’s nothing spectacular about her looks, she suits me just fine.

It might sound like taboo but Matilda was my elder brother’s love at first before I took her over from him. It’s been 3 years now and I don’t mind the “inheritance” one bit. We’ve had our ups and downs and had some major issues and even though she has gone through an abortion and suffered a massive breakdown, I still love her as much as the day I first set eyes on her glowing face.

She’s fine, she’s cool, she’s smart, she’s faithful and she’s mine. She’s my Compaq Evo N610c laptop computer.

She’s kinda old-fashioned now and she can get cranky at times but I love her like crazy. One day she mysteriously aborted her lithium-ion battery thus forcing me to run her only on electricity nowadays. I guess that’s why I hate PHCN so. Sometime last year, she also crashed her hard disk making me lose years and years of hard work spanning generations including my timeless photo, literature and music collections (I used to boast then that I had more music than some radio stations - and it was true). But it will take more than that to make me lose my love.

Matilda did recover from the crash without my lost data of course, but ever since then she’s been behaving kinda eccentric. Recently, her favourite trick is to suddenly and mysteriously trip off especially when those stupid cows that pass for humans in the cyber café who can’t be bothered to look down caress her wire with their stinking hooves. But lately, she’s added a new trick. I might just be sitting down fooling with my keyboard, thinking what next I’ll write on to punish you guys with and WHAM! Matilda shocks me with 240 volts of pure unadulterated electricity! Ok, PHCN rarely supplies 240 volts so let’s just say it’s 210 volts.

Now, I do some Engineering and yes, I’ve been electrocuted several times (nothing fatal though so far or my ghost would be writing this) but Matilda’s kind is so annoying! It happens somewhere around the volume button maybe when I’m about to turn it up or down depending on if I’m feeling the music or not. As if she’s trying to tell me, “Hey! You aren’t giving me enough attention. Don’t touch me there like that!”

Sigh… The scientific mind I claim to possess some of the time tells me maybe a strand of wire has been broken in her AC/DC adapter and that’s what makes her trip so whenever anyone comes close. Common sense says that maybe there’s a fault with the house wiring that makes voltage pass through the earth terminal to shock me when I touch the metallic volume buttons. I can’t really say for sure.

It might be the mystic in me but I think Matilda’s been bewitched! I think I even know who the witch is.

Psst! Come closer…Don’t say I told you but I think the witch is my…WHAM!...OUCH! There, Matilda has shocked me again.

Maybe I’ll gist you about the witch next post… or the one after that...

Less Criticisms Please…

My friend, T Banky is one of the Sages…

Most of the feedback I get hardly comes from the Comments field of my blog. Those that really care send me e-mail highlighting points that I struck squarely on the head or missed badly. Others like T Banky call me late at night to seriously discuss.

The problem with most of us Bloggers, if I get T Banky right, is that we are trying too hard. We all are striving to be too DEEP. But you can’t really blame us. With the rapid population explosion of blogville’s citizens and the even shorter time to read, comment and post, we break our literary backs probably hoping that our intellect will reflect in every sentence we put down and keep that reader coming back not only to drink deep of the well of our knowledge but to refer their friends to the fountain as well.

I came to this sudden realization when I asked my dear friend to give me her impartial criticism of my MN blog. Now I know I probably stand as Number One accused of the very same crimes which I continuously point out. My midnight calls with Banky have been a real eye-opener and taught me a few things.

First of all is the length of my MN posts. Whatever I may not possess when it comes to conversation, God made up for me when it comes to the written word. The total lack of brevity when I am writing has always been my curse. And as Banky told me, so many impatient people are going to get lost even before they get to the very end of the post. I have to learn how to be as concise as possible.

She also wasn’t too happy with the amount of sarcasm in my writing or certain instances where she says I am trying too hard to be witty. Now, that was tough coming from a friend but I had to swallow it as well. MN was created out of my frustrations with stomaching too much bad entertainment from media developers who could have just tried a little bit to inject a tiny bit of creativity into their work. A lot of the terrible stuff we are continuously bombarded with stems from this laziness on their part. Sometimes the frustrations make me just let loose of the vitriol.

Then, I know I work too hard. I’ve edited and tirelessly re-edited some posts countless times before publishing thus sacrificing the very core of my literary soul for the sake of political and grammatical correctness. Some issues I have felt strongly about have gathered dust on the shelf as I try too hard in vain to remain reasonable. The ironic fact that the N.V.N.V. piece which I slaved on draws far fewer responses than the ATM gist shows me there’s something I must be missing here.

We talked for long that night - she and I - and by the time we were through I almost wanted to turn my back permanently on blogville. I am glad I didn’t.

Now I think I finally get it. We all are citizens here for a purpose. Each blogger possesses a vision and a mission and we hope to somehow reach our respective intellectual destinations (my apologies to a certain man of God). Every blog has a reason for being.

Of course, every one of us loses the rudder once in a while. It is left for us to ride the roughs, swallow the criticisms, take them to heart and improve.

Banky has somehow shown me that if I continuously hack and hack away at the system, I would be taking everything away without putting anything back in there. I now have to learn how to criticize less and constructively criticize more.

I am also learning to consult more with the Oracles of blogville, thank God for them. When I’m drifting it’s a consolation to know that Funmi will still be fiyanda, Wole will always remain laspapi, Esquire will undoubtedly still be esquire and Woomie - loyal, unpredictable, DEEP Woomie - will still be the President of the Next Generation. We all have, and are still passing through this threshold.

Reading this, one might wonder: did I take any of Banky’s corrections at all? I can’t help it. I spent years creating this writing style and I will spend years refining it. But I am learning the constitution that governs blogville.

MN will surely still be around for some more time to come. Blogville utopia may not even be around the next corner but slowly and surely, we are getting there.

My friend, T Banky is one of the Sages… Thanks, Banky for keeping it REAL!

Mama, I’d Rather Die Than Watch You Again

Film - Flashback Review - Movie

Movie: Mama I Will Die For You

Starring: Patience Ozokwor, Uche Ndigwe, Ebube Nwagbo, Amaechi Muonagor, Diewait Ikpechukwu, Clemson Cornel Nonyelu

Directed By: Ndubuisi Okoh

Released: 2004

When the issues of poor audio, clueless acting/directing and tiring, hole-filled plots in our movies are raised, Nollywood fans and fanatics alike are always quick to respond to these issues with the sing-song refrain: “It took Hollywood more than a 100 years to get there and we will get there.” When the same old long worn-out themes are continuously recycled for our enjoyment, the chorus then becomes: “Nollywood is a true reflection of our society.”

On the other side of the divide, if you can’t stand uselessly torturous Nollywood movies (like I do) then you are not alone. However, the fierce proponents of Nollywood far outnumber us, its critics and this fanatical multitude is the very reason why bad movies continue to abound.

If indeed most of the themes explored in “Mama I Will Die For You” (and Nollywood in general) are truly reflections of our society, then the mirror in question must possess a scuffed, warped surface. This, most likely, must be the same kind of optical material that may have been used to make spectacles for the entire Production crew of this movie

Mama I Will Die For You (or MIWD4U, if you like) is a 2004 movie written, produced and executively-produced by Kaycee Oguejiofor and distributed by Filmark Prod Limited in the typical Part 1 and Part 2 VCD format. The film boasts special effects by Magic Mind Studios even though there is nothing special in the effects.

The theme of MIWD4U is very simple. An adulterous mother, not only contented with cheating on her husband, meddles into her daughter’s matrimonial home by seducing her son-in-law to sleep with her. The daughter catches them in the act and reports the heinous crime to the village elders who summon the guilty parties before the local shrine. Sometime before the summons, the dejected daughter tries to commit suicide (hence the movie’s title) but her efforts are thwarted by the totally unconvincing intervention of her sister and a few neighbours. At the climax of the movie, the whole truth is revealed, retributive justice is meted out - literally - by the hands of the gods and daughter and husband reconcile.

Even if you can bring yourself to forgive the cliché storyline and the outdated below-average production values, there is just no excuse for the flaws that abound aplenty in a movie that is still in circulation four years after it was released. Sadly these flaws begin to rear their ugly heads right from the very second you put in Disc One (a.k.a. Part 1).

I claim to possess a fair amount of patience but sitting through the entire 14 minutes and 29 seconds needed to view the trailers packed into the CD even before the opening credits began to roll taxed me to the max. Mercifully, there’s always the fast-forward button on the remote of course.

Nine movie adverts later (yes, nine!) and MIWD4U kicks off with Obioma (Ebube Nwagbo) going through the motions of shopping at the village market after which she has a chance encounter with Emeka (Uche Ndigwe) on her way back. As if to make up for lost time, the movie quickly speeds through the parts where Emeka informs his parents of his interest in Obioma to the first family introductory process up till they eventually get married.

From here the annoyance begins…If only the Producer had kept up with the pre-marriage tempo, then maybe this baloney would have been over sooner. But alas! It is not to be. The movie drags horrendously as we watch Emeka drive across the entire length of the Niger Bridge, sing a honeymoon-type duet with his wife (singing seemed to be a staple with Uche Ndigwe in those days) and then in one totally irrelevant scene, we get to see Amaka (Obioma’s bush sister) twist - as opposed to dancing - to a song playing on the living room sound system. The only people who may find that scene mildly interesting are those who enjoy the sight of sweaty female bodies in scenes with excessive lighting. There’s nothing even sensually provocative in Amaka’s gyrations.

Hop, skip and jump. Mrs. Regina Nnaji as interpreted by the overly-stereotypically cast Patience Ozokwor cheats on her husband then 9 months later, Obioma drops a bundle of joy for her own husband in a totally baby-and-mother unfriendly hospital. The suitable soundtrack for this scene should have been Shaggy’s “Strength of a Woman”. The mind boggles to think what kind of hospital makes a woman in labour climb 3 flights of stairs just to get to the Maternity ward. Whoever was the Location Manager was on this particular shoot deserves to be shot for this oversight.

Another person lined up for cinematic execution should have been the costumer. After giving Obioma some blood-racing, figure hugging costumes, Nonye Ike Okechukwu defaults badly in all the others. The nurses’ uniforms are so ill-fitting as to give the entire nursing profession a bad name and Amaka’s wardrobe too is so schlocky that it would shame a village girl to put most of those things on. Worse, Regina’s seductive dressing was actually a turn-off to me.

3 days and 2 weeks later (according to the timeline), Obioma cautions her mother on her indecent dressing, the said mother convinces her lover, Chief Okenwa (Amaechi Muonagor) to present a goodwill gift to the baby and off they go for yet another love tryst gratefully bringing Disc One to an end with the closing credits rolling to a wack soundtrack with lyrics that tell the whole story.

But the punishment does not stop there. Pop in Disc 2/Part 2 and you still suffer the same 9 ads at the beginning robbing you (or saving you depending on how you see it) another 15 minutes. The movie continues where it leaves off with Obioma voicing her worry to hubby over mummy’s long disappearance. After then we zip over quickly to the village and as if to make up for keeping Diewait Ikpechukwu in the background for so long, we get to watch another totally irrelevant scene of him choking over a plate of rice (which he’s devouring hungrily by the way) while Amaka comes to his rescue with aqua vita.

Meanwhile as he sorely misses his wife who is gallivanting in the city, she (Regina) begins practicing her seduction skills on her son-in-law who rebuffs her initially then succumbs when his wife goes for a post-natal. I don’t know about you guys out there but I think the entire second seduction scene looked fake and totally avoidable. It is at this point that Obioma walks in on husband and mother and as she reports to the elders later: “I caught my husband and my mother stark naked making love…”

Really? Well, not exactly if not the NFVCB would have had issues endorsing the film in the first place. Then comes the fun part in the movie. Back-biting Chief Okenwa advices Chief Nnaji to deal with his son-in-law out of jealousy that the young guy is sharing his honey-pot but what does the weakling chief Nnaji do? Nothing! Hot blooded Regina tries another seduction scene (unsuccessfully this time) and Obioma decides to take the issue to the village shrine. How ironical it is that she makes the sign of the cross there!

After pouring her heart out to her poor audience she then makes a melodramatic attempt to hang herself only to have the suicide plot foiled by Amaka and some neighbours who don’t seem to hear the commotion in the first place only to materialize from thin air to save Obioma just in the nick of time. Another week later and in the biggest moment of cinematic stupidity, we see Obioma act out ALMOST EXACTLY the SAME SCENE ALL OVER AGAIN! The only difference is that she does it with a differrent attire this time. I couldn’t help but wish she would hang herself all over again this time around but without the neighbours’ intervention so the movie hell I was going through could come to an end.

Like I earlier mentioned, a summons is answered, retributive justice dished out by the “special effects” hand of the gods (Magic Mind should be ashamed of themselves), a confession, several flashbacks and a reconciliation later and the movie finally grinds to a halt.

Why did I take my time to put you through this horror of a plot? Simple. Perchance you happen to be in the vicinity of your neighbourhood video rental or you go visiting and you catch this movie somewhere in the middle, just do yourself a favour and RUN! After all, Life is too short to watch such N.O.N.S.E.N.S.E.

Reviewed: June 2008

The Second Apology...

My boss has his own way of punishing delinquency in the work place. If you screw up two times, he quietly calls you into his office and explains your failings to you in coloured details. Then to drive home his point, he ends the sermon with the stern warning: “There will not be a third time…”

That’s how it has been with me and MN. Yeah, I know I’m making excuses again but I’ve had to go for two very engaging business trips (to Lagos of all places, not outside the country!) and one impromptu one to Bida, Niger State forcing me to leave my laptop behind due to all the horror stories I hear of harassment by the Police or their other gun-totting nighttime alter-egos. It wasn’t easy being cut off from my darling Compaq Evo but I’m back now.

This is my second UNRESERVED apology and borrowing the words of my boss, there will NOT be a third time. Or so I hope… I realize it wasn’t too nice of me to promise to review movies and other stuff that I didn’t get around to doing and so I’ve learnt my lessons. From now on, No Promises!

Of course in my absence the business reality TV show, The Apprentice Africa was rounded up (I missed the finals thanks to PHCN) so I had to scuttle that review without really knowing who won. It really hurt not to make the review deadline I’d set for myself but maybe? Till Season 2, perhaps?

How foolish of me to try and tell the future to know which reviews I’d be doing and when. But that’s all in the past now. Here instead are some more entertaining stuff to look forward to:

Yet another reality show takes over our screens soon as the new edition of the Gulder Ultimate Search this time captioned “The Lost Chronicle” kicks off on the 19th of July and instantly ideas of Lara Croft and Indiana Jones come to mind. Let’s just hope this year’s edition is far better than the last.

The Malta Guinness Street Dance Africa competition has headed off to the Continental Finals and proves just what we’ve always known and said all along: NAIJA CAN DANCE! Those dance teams have busted some moves that gave “You Got Served” and “Stomp In The Yard” a good run for their money and I can’t wait to see them square off against their African competition.

July is the month for a new TV Quarter so expect some shake-ups in your TV programme viewing habits. And there’s still the continuous torrent of good and bad Nollywood movies as well as new music releases from the likes of Styl Plus, Sound Sultan, Six Foot Plus, etc alongside their musical videos in a few months to come. P-Square must be really dancing to the bank as their “Game Over” music videos seem to be on their way to becoming a runaway success like the audio CD did some months back.

On the hard copy front, Adesuwa Onyeokwe’s “Today’s Woman” magazine also looks to be a huge success. Spent a good part of two days trawling Lagos for a copy of TW as it is popularly called and all the vendors reported the same thing: it had all been sold out! Hear people are already booking copies in advance! Thumbs up to Adesuwa and the TW crew if what the vendors tell me is the truth. I’ll reserve my true opinions till I read a copy myself.

Then there’s the gist of my business wakas to share with you, more and more blogs to read and write, comments to be made and the earlier promised reviews are still coming back, trip or no trip. It sure looks like it’s going to be a busy month already.

But like I said before, NO PROMISES.

After all, Man proposes… and GOD controls…